AIBU about my friend hassling me

mamawheredidyougo · 2023-07-02T21:36:40+00:00

Got into a little disagreement with my friend. Very minor. But AIBU here. Friend just old me yesterday to verify a passport for him. I said that's fine, I'll do it, but he sent me three texts yesterday to check if I've done it. I responded to his first message but didn't respond to the others as I was out with the DC's. This morning I couldn't find where me passport was but quickly had to rush out to see my mother. Friend again sent me additional texts this morning, afternoon and evening to check if I've signed off the passport. His last text to me was 'mama... it's ok, I know your busy, I'll get my other friend to do it..". I then replied "Friend... you only told me to sign off the passport yesterday and had to keep rushing out to do x y z. Trust that I'm going to do it and as we were speaking, I have been looking for my passport". He then said "But you said you'll do it, if I say I'm going to do something, then I will do it. I need it to be signed off urgently as I want to go to X. I then replied "Friend, I'm sorry, I slept off after a long day with the DC's but first give people a couple of days if you want to do something then remind them". I can tell that friend is a bit upset but AIBU? I don't know if it's obvious. But I'm been trying to put down boundaries.

TravelDazzle · 02/07/2023 22:38

Did they tell you it was urgent?

Tumbler2121 · 02/07/2023 22:40

Why didn’t you do it immediately? Takes a moment. Instead you’ve got a drama and a lost passport.

eandz13 · 02/07/2023 22:41

It's just a non issue, really. He clearly wants it done as a matter of urgency, acknowledged that you're busy and he can get someone else to do it. It is annoying when someone says "yeah, I'll do it" and then you find yourself chasing things up, but if you're busy, you're busy. Just let this other person do it.

TeddySunflowers · 02/07/2023 22:42

It is a pain when someone says they'll do something but is actually too busy to do it. I think you should have just let it go when they said they'd get someone else to do it.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 02/07/2023 22:43

TeddySunflowers · 02/07/2023 22:42

It is a pain when someone says they'll do something but is actually too busy to do it. I think you should have just let it go when they said they'd get someone else to do it.

This.

Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 22:44

@mamawheredidyougo
I can understand your perspectives op, with me it was really mission impossible, spooks style needed asap.

That said I asked one friend, then had a second friend as backup as it really was down to the seconds.

Must admit I still don't know how I pulled that off

SarahDippity · 02/07/2023 22:46

So he only asked you yesterday and is already hassling you today?

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 22:46

My friend only told me this yesterday. When I asked favours, I usually give the person a couple of days before I remind them.

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers40 · 02/07/2023 22:46

If I asked someone to sign a passport I would ideally like it done within 24 hours but wouldn't chase till one week. YANBU.

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 22:46

SarahDippity · 02/07/2023 22:46

So he only asked you yesterday and is already hassling you today?

He hassled me yesterday and today.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 02/07/2023 22:47

eandz13 · 02/07/2023 22:41

It's just a non issue, really. He clearly wants it done as a matter of urgency, acknowledged that you're busy and he can get someone else to do it. It is annoying when someone says "yeah, I'll do it" and then you find yourself chasing things up, but if you're busy, you're busy. Just let this other person do it.

This

Lacucuracha · 02/07/2023 22:48

I think you should have told him when you’d be able to do it, then he could decide if he wants to wait or ask someone else.

As it is you held him up when he could have got someone else to do it.

meganorks · 02/07/2023 22:48

He probably should have said it was urgent. You could have said originally 'Yeah I can do that but I'm just heading out now/too busy today'. But not sure why you would get all offended when they ask someone else to do it because you are too busy. You were too busy!

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 22:50

I'm not offended that he said he will get someone else to do it but I knew he said it because he was slightly upset.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 02/07/2023 22:52

He should have said up front if it was urgent, but once you knew it was urgent you still haven't prioritised it and when he said "No worries I'll get someone else to do it because I need it done asap" you laid into him for rushing you.

Equally, if someone asks me a favour I will give them a general outline as to when I can do it, mostly just so I can book the time into my mental diary as well as giving them a general timeline eg "You need your passport verifying? Of course I can, but I'm out with the DC today and have an appointment in the morning tomorrow so I won't have time to do it until tomorrow afternoon, is that OK?"

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 22:53

meganorks · 02/07/2023 22:48

He probably should have said it was urgent. You could have said originally 'Yeah I can do that but I'm just heading out now/too busy today'. But not sure why you would get all offended when they ask someone else to do it because you are too busy. You were too busy!

Good point. He didn't say it was urgent but I should have told him that he would have to wait by x. But he knows I have DC's with needs and I'm always rushing here and there so I'd assume he would have least given me a day or two before asking me over and over again.

OP posts:

wutheringkites · 02/07/2023 22:55

Have you done it yet?

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 22:56

melj1213 · 02/07/2023 22:52

He should have said up front if it was urgent, but once you knew it was urgent you still haven't prioritised it and when he said "No worries I'll get someone else to do it because I need it done asap" you laid into him for rushing you.

Equally, if someone asks me a favour I will give them a general outline as to when I can do it, mostly just so I can book the time into my mental diary as well as giving them a general timeline eg "You need your passport verifying? Of course I can, but I'm out with the DC today and have an appointment in the morning tomorrow so I won't have time to do it until tomorrow afternoon, is that OK?"

Good point.

I only knew it was urgent when he texted me that message this evening.

But I didn't lay it in him. I put down boundaries. I told him to give me a whole day or at least two before reminding the person. But he was hassling me on the day (yesterday) and (today).

OP posts:

Mademetoxic · 02/07/2023 22:56

The amount of time you have spent starting this thread and posting replies to people, it would have been pretty much done by now.

Tandora · 02/07/2023 22:59

With something like signing a passport I would assume it’s fairly urgent so I would have told friend I wouldn’t be able to get to it for a couple of days. Especially after the first reminder you should have told him rather than ignoring his texts x

Avondale89 · 02/07/2023 23:00

Why not just do it, rather than arsing about on here?

Tandora · 02/07/2023 23:05

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 22:56

Good point.

I only knew it was urgent when he texted me that message this evening.

But I didn't lay it in him. I put down boundaries. I told him to give me a whole day or at least two before reminding the person. But he was hassling me on the day (yesterday) and (today).

Show quote history

Help with boundaries..

You said :

”Friend, I'm sorry, I slept off after a long day with the DC's but first give people a couple of days if you want to do something then remind them"

this isn’t putting down a boundary- this is telling him off.

putting down a boundary would be e.g.

“Friend, I'm sorry, I slept off after a long day with the DC's. If you want me to do something I’m happy to, but I need a couple of days notice to schedule it in, as my schedule with the DCs is very busy”.

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 23:10

Mademetoxic · 02/07/2023 22:56

The amount of time you have spent starting this thread and posting replies to people, it would have been pretty much done by now.

I've already done it.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 02/07/2023 23:17

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 22:56

Good point.

I only knew it was urgent when he texted me that message this evening.

But I didn't lay it in him. I put down boundaries. I told him to give me a whole day or at least two before reminding the person. But he was hassling me on the day (yesterday) and (today).

Show quote history

You didn't set a boundary, you made excuses because he was chasing you up when you hadn't done what you had said you would do. Neither of you put a time frame on it but if you've promised to do something then you should be upfront if there is going to be a delay to you doing it there and then.

A boundary is setting expectations upfront not after the fact. You set the initial boundary to prepare their expectations, you don't set a boundary because someone has questioned you as to why you haven't done the thing you said you would do.

Excuse:

F: "But you said you'll do it, if I say I'm going to do something, then I will do it. I need it to be signed off urgently as I want to go to X."

OP: "Friend, I'm sorry, I slept off after a long day with the DC's but first give people a couple of days if you want to do something then remind them"

Boundary:

F:"Can you sign off my passport?"
OP:"Yes but not until tomorrow afternoon as I have other plans today and tomorrow morning"
F: "Ok, no problem"
<Following morning>
F: "Did you do it yet? I need it signed off urgently so I can go to X. If you can't do it then I'll get Y to do it instead"
OP: "Not yet, I said I would do it this afternoon as I'm busy. If you needed it done sooner you should have said so yesterday when you asked and I said I couldn't do it until later today. Do you still want me to do it this afternoon?"

OhwhyOY · 02/07/2023 23:21

melj1213 · 02/07/2023 23:17

You didn't set a boundary, you made excuses because he was chasing you up when you hadn't done what you had said you would do. Neither of you put a time frame on it but if you've promised to do something then you should be upfront if there is going to be a delay to you doing it there and then.

A boundary is setting expectations upfront not after the fact. You set the initial boundary to prepare their expectations, you don't set a boundary because someone has questioned you as to why you haven't done the thing you said you would do.

Excuse:

F: "But you said you'll do it, if I say I'm going to do something, then I will do it. I need it to be signed off urgently as I want to go to X."

OP: "Friend, I'm sorry, I slept off after a long day with the DC's but first give people a couple of days if you want to do something then remind them"

Boundary:

F:"Can you sign off my passport?"
OP:"Yes but not until tomorrow afternoon as I have other plans today and tomorrow morning"
F: "Ok, no problem"
<Following morning>
F: "Did you do it yet? I need it signed off urgently so I can go to X. If you can't do it then I'll get Y to do it instead"
OP: "Not yet, I said I would do it this afternoon as I'm busy. If you needed it done sooner you should have said so yesterday when you asked and I said I couldn't do it until later today. Do you still want me to do it this afternoon?"

Show quote history

This. You weren't setting boundaries you were making excuses. You should have prioritised it, or if you couldn't you should have told him. You say he only told you today it was urgent but surely you should have realised yesterday when he messaged uou repeatedly?