Page 2 | AIBU about my friend hassling me

mamawheredidyougo · 2023-07-02T21:36:40+00:00

Got into a little disagreement with my friend. Very minor. But AIBU here. Friend just old me yesterday to verify a passport for him. I said that's fine, I'll do it, but he sent me three texts yesterday to check if I've done it. I responded to his first message but didn't respond to the others as I was out with the DC's. This morning I couldn't find where me passport was but quickly had to rush out to see my mother. Friend again sent me additional texts this morning, afternoon and evening to check if I've signed off the passport. His last text to me was 'mama... it's ok, I know your busy, I'll get my other friend to do it..". I then replied "Friend... you only told me to sign off the passport yesterday and had to keep rushing out to do x y z. Trust that I'm going to do it and as we were speaking, I have been looking for my passport". He then said "But you said you'll do it, if I say I'm going to do something, then I will do it. I need it to be signed off urgently as I want to go to X. I then replied "Friend, I'm sorry, I slept off after a long day with the DC's but first give people a couple of days if you want to do something then remind them". I can tell that friend is a bit upset but AIBU? I don't know if it's obvious. But I'm been trying to put down boundaries.

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 23:26

@melj1213

Point taken about the boundary setting.

But my friend has known me for 7 years and knows that I have DC's with needs that have multitude of appointments. I did not ignore his messages, I was out with the DC's at their appointments but could not respond right then and there. But I would always reply to his message just not in a quick succession.

I think it is common courtesy that when you are asking a favour from someone, you should a least give them a day before checking in to see if they have done it. I have asked many of my friends favours, even passports (and when it's urgent) but I would not dream of texting them constantly (on the day that you told them of the favour) to check if they favour has been carried out. I was merely just telling him give me at least 24 hours before checking.

OP posts:

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 23:28

This. You weren't setting boundaries you were making excuses. You should have prioritised it, or if you couldn't you should have told him. You say he only told you today it was urgent but surely you should have realised yesterday when he messaged uou repeatedly?

No. He is usually like this. He does it to his other friends too- so I was not to know that it was urgent, plus, I didn't know that the passport office process online verifications during the weekend.

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 02/07/2023 23:37

Lacucuracha · 02/07/2023 22:48

I think you should have told him when you’d be able to do it, then he could decide if he wants to wait or ask someone else.

As it is you held him up when he could have got someone else to do it.

This. You are thinking that you would wait a week before asking. Lots of people do not have a week to wait though. I try and respond with "I can do that at x time". Then do. I do not need reminders, I quite like them, but as I have adhd, I have systems to remind myself of things. I try to make things really clear, so that people can make choices.

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 23:42

@Snugglemonkey

I didn't say a week. I said he should have waited at least 24 hours before reminding the person.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 02/07/2023 23:44

I think it is common courtesy that when you are asking a favour from someone, you should a least give them a day before checking in to see if they have done it

I don't disagree, which is why your friend needs to take responsibility for not making it clear it was an urgent request initially.

However, I also thnk that it is common courtesy to give people an expected timeline when you agree to do something if you know you cannot drop everything to do it immediately. It takes seconds and means everybody is clear on the expectation.

"Can you do X for me?"
"Yes but not till tomorrow/the weekend/next week"
"Great, just let me know when it's done," or "Thanks but I actually need it today/this week/this month so I'll ask Y if they can do it sooner,"

You both could have been clearer about the situation and so have to take responsibility for that but the fact you're trying to put all of the blame at his door is why YABU

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 23:51

Point taken. I should have mentioned a time frame. I assumed because I've known friend for a number of years and he knows how busy my life is, that he would at least given me a day to do it. Usually, I do things for him with a click of a finger, but thought no, I need to put some boundaries. Guess that didn't work . Oh well. I'm still learning.

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Testina · 02/07/2023 23:57

All this talk of “setting boundaries” makes you sound like you were deliberately acting like a dick over it to make a point.

Then you post, “Usually, I do things for him with a click of a finger, but thought no, I need to put some boundaries.” - which certainly seems like it confirms my impression.

If you don’t want to do it, say no.

swishswashswoosh · 03/07/2023 00:02

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 23:51

Point taken. I should have mentioned a time frame. I assumed because I've known friend for a number of years and he knows how busy my life is, that he would at least given me a day to do it. Usually, I do things for him with a click of a finger, but thought no, I need to put some boundaries. Guess that didn't work . Oh well. I'm still learning.

This answers a few questions. Friend expected something immediate as this is what you usually do. You decided to put in a boundary (fine) but failed to tell him about it so he felt let down then annoyed with you. All of this is simple communication. Next time, when you set a boundary make sure it is communicated at the outset otherwise it is relying on someone to be a mind reader or you then feel aggrieved that they didn't uphold you boundary then passively aggressively tick them off for not doing so. This way lies madness.

FWIW, I agree that it is polite when asking for a favour to give someone a few days before politely chasing it up and he should have been clearer that he needed it asap. You are both unreasonable in separate ways.

Testina · 03/07/2023 00:06

The thing is, you say you were busy with kids and sleeping, but you also say you decided to put in some boundaries. So which was it? Because one is genuine, and one is deliberately dicking him about. Whether he should expect it same day is one thing, but having texted you 3 times on that day - you knew he wanted it done asap. But instead of just doing it or TELLING him you couldn’t, you decided to play games with “boundaries”.

melj1213 · 03/07/2023 00:10

mamawheredidyougo · 02/07/2023 23:51

Point taken. I should have mentioned a time frame. I assumed because I've known friend for a number of years and he knows how busy my life is, that he would at least given me a day to do it. Usually, I do things for him with a click of a finger, but thought no, I need to put some boundaries. Guess that didn't work . Oh well. I'm still learning.

The more you clarify the worse your behaviour comes across.

You usually do things immediately if he asks but didn't this time and then wondered why he followed up pretty quickly, especially when you didn't reply to his messages?

Especially when you didn't once communicate any of the relevant information to him?

Boundaries are set up front, so next time you need to set boundaries when you initially communicate, not after the fact

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 03/07/2023 01:18

Testina · 02/07/2023 23:57

All this talk of “setting boundaries” makes you sound like you were deliberately acting like a dick over it to make a point.

Then you post, “Usually, I do things for him with a click of a finger, but thought no, I need to put some boundaries.” - which certainly seems like it confirms my impression.

If you don’t want to do it, say no.

Getting to my DC's appointment on time and managing their needs during the day is more
important than using my time to look for a passport and clear a declaration. I decided to put my DC's needs first before attending to my friend.

Usually, I will be fretting, whenever he calls or texts, I will pick up the phone. If he has a favour, I will drop things to support him. I'm not doing it this time. I'm putting boundaries on my time. He text me the once, I told him I was out in the morning and will get round to doing the declaration and he proceeded to text me again a couple of hours later to check. I heard a ping on my phone,but was tending to DC's meltdowns. I thought dealing with DC's meltdowns was more
Important than me looking and checking and responding to messages on my phone. When I am done, I will get back to him.

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Punkkitty · 03/07/2023 01:30

This is all really weird. If someone asked me to verify a passport I would assume they wanted it done pretty much straightaway and do it. Or within a few hours. Not days or a week.

It’s not a request like ‘can you read my draft essay when you get a a chance?’

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 03/07/2023 01:37

Punkkitty · 03/07/2023 01:30

This is all really weird. If someone asked me to verify a passport I would assume they wanted it done pretty much straightaway and do it. Or within a few hours. Not days or a week.

It’s not a request like ‘can you read my draft essay when you get a a chance?’

shrug I guess I'm more considerate. When I ask people for favours. I give them a bit of time to do it and don't expect them to do what I have asked in a flash. I've always asked people to declare a passport on my behalf and usually wait a couple of days to a week before I ask them again.

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MenoRageisReal · 03/07/2023 01:47

I give them a bit of time to do it and don't expect them to do what I have asked in a flash.

So why do you usually immediately drop everything to do things for him? Maybe some food for thought there about why you treat him better than you expect for yourself.

You do need to set some boundaries in this relationship but you need to be much more upfront in communicating to be able to this effectively and avoiding stress like this for both you and friend.

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 03/07/2023 01:54

MenoRageisReal · 03/07/2023 01:47

I give them a bit of time to do it and don't expect them to do what I have asked in a flash.

So why do you usually immediately drop everything to do things for him? Maybe some food for thought there about why you treat him better than you expect for yourself.

You do need to set some boundaries in this relationship but you need to be much more upfront in communicating to be able to this effectively and avoiding stress like this for both you and friend.

I agree. I have come a long way and I guess its the people pleaser in me that wants everyone to think I'm the reliable person or the caring person that puts everyone first. I didn't handle this situation well but I'm learning how to set boundaries for myself.

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Punkkitty · 03/07/2023 02:00

@mamawheredidyougo Yeah I mean there are certain favours that are the type I wouldn’t expect someone to just drop everything to do there and then.

But passports are just something you want sorted and done and dusted. So I don’t really blame your friend.

But in your defence they might have been better placed asking someone they know who isn’t as busy as you if they wanted it sorted.

SunSurfSand · 03/07/2023 02:00

It's a job that takes a few minutes. If you weren't able to do it that day, you could have texted back 'I don't have time today/can't find my passport- when do you need it by?' and then you could have said whether it worked and given him the opportunity to find someone else.

These boring admin things- people just want them done and off their to-do list. I doubt he wanted to spend his weekend following you up for something that takes five minutes.

YABU

Original poster

mamawheredidyougo · 03/07/2023 02:06

SunSurfSand · 03/07/2023 02:00

It's a job that takes a few minutes. If you weren't able to do it that day, you could have texted back 'I don't have time today/can't find my passport- when do you need it by?' and then you could have said whether it worked and given him the opportunity to find someone else.

These boring admin things- people just want them done and off their to-do list. I doubt he wanted to spend his weekend following you up for something that takes five minutes.

YABU

True. I should have communicated clearly to him.

Everyone values their (own) time differently. A job that may take a few minutes may be important for one person to get it dusted and over with and for another person, the task is unimportant at the moment and they'll do it another time. In my case, I had to take time to search for my passport in order to declare it. To me, this was not important and thought it was more important to get my DC's appointments on time as well as do my mad weekend rush.

OP posts:

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 06:15

Dicking around with someone's passport is not setting boundaries.
Telling him you haven't got time to drop some milk off or looking something up on line for them is setting boundaries on your time.
You went into this fully intending to make him wait.

ARareKindaBear · 03/07/2023 06:26

You sound very annoying. Why didn’t you just do it as soon as he gave you it? Takes 2 minutes. I don’t blame him for getting irritated.

clpsmum · 03/07/2023 07:21

Tumbler2121 · 02/07/2023 22:40

Why didn’t you do it immediately? Takes a moment. Instead you’ve got a drama and a lost passport.

The

onlymyselftoanswerto1 · 03/07/2023 07:24

I don't get why the OP is getting such a hard time. People are busy and don't always have time to get to something straight away. If the passport was that urgent the friend should have said so at the start, OP was doing them a favour. Since when is it acceptable to hassle someone endlessly when asking for a favour? It might only take a few mins to do, but why are the friend's needs more important than the OP's time?

If I say I'll do something I'll do it, but that doesn't then give you the right to dictate to me when exactly I do it, especially if it's on a busy weekend. Manners cost nothing!

IhearyouClemFandango · 03/07/2023 07:27

Well I agree with you OP. It would be something I would put to the side until I sat down in the evening for example. Unless they explicitly said that it was an absolute rush job emergency.

Sounds like he is used to having you at his beck and call.

IhearyouClemFandango · 03/07/2023 07:28

And the OP hasn't lost his passport. She was looking for her passport in order to verify his.

BravoMyDear · 03/07/2023 07:29

mamawheredidyougo · 03/07/2023 01:37

shrug I guess I'm more considerate. When I ask people for favours. I give them a bit of time to do it and don't expect them to do what I have asked in a flash. I've always asked people to declare a passport on my behalf and usually wait a couple of days to a week before I ask them again.

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Keeping someone waiting for a 2 minute job isn’t very considerate is it OP?