AIBU about my friend hassling me

[mamawheredidyougo]

Got into a little disagreement with my friend. Very minor. But AIBU here. Friend just old me yesterday to verify a passport for him. I said that's fine, I'll do it, but he sent me three texts yesterday to check if I've done it. I responded to his first message but didn't respond to the others as I was out with the DC's. This morning I couldn't find where me passport was but quickly had to rush out to see my mother. Friend again sent me additional texts this morning, afternoon and evening to check if I've signed off the passport. His last text to me was 'mama... it's ok, I know your busy, I'll get my other friend to do it..". I then replied "Friend... you only told me to sign off the passport yesterday and had to keep rushing out to do x y z. Trust that I'm going to do it and as we were speaking, I have been looking for my passport". He then said "But you said you'll do it, if I say I'm going to do something, then I will do it. I need it to be signed off urgently as I want to go to X. I then replied "Friend, I'm sorry, I slept off after a long day with the DC's but first give people a couple of days if you want to do something then remind them". I can tell that friend is a bit upset but AIBU?

I don't know if it's obvious. But I'm been trying to put down boundaries.

It isn't a 2 minute job though.

He should have said it was urgent.

If you had decided to change your usual behaviour of doing things immediately to set boundaries, then you need to be communicative and clear about that too.

Of course he hassled you. You didn't do something immediately like you usually do. He probably asked you to sort out his urgent passport for him specifically BECAUSE you've made him think you're a superfast reliable person who gets favours done sharpish. Then you changed that up on him with no warning.

I agree with your bounary setting, for the record - you can't always be on edge to do things for others to people please, it's not healthy when you have your own responsibilities.

The thing is, you need to communicate these if those boundaries result in a change to your usual behaviour - you have taught other people to expect a certain thing from you, that's not necessarily their fault, your behaviour has conditioned them to expect it. It doesn't make them automatically malicious, selfish or toxic either - you have shown them who you are, they have never done anything to disrepect you or cross your boundaries, because you didn't have any yet!

Boundaries are good for your own well being - but to not communicate an imminent change to how you're gonna act is unfair on the other person. In this case, you really messed around with a matter that was actually urgent for your friend, he paniced because he didn't know why you weren't doing it, hassled you because he doesn't know whether you've forgotten or not... because you usually do things instantly, so why arnt you in this case? That's exactly why he thought he could rely on you for it! You taught him this standard.

Take it has a lesson learned rather than anyone being unreasonable, but I'd say perhaps keep a bit more room for why your friend reacted the way he did.

YANBU, he sounds like a bit of a pain. He should have told you it was 'urgent' in the first place and checked with you that you could do it within a day, which is an unusually tight timescale for a favour. Sounds like he was panicking. Hope you get past it!

If I wanted something done urgently, and could ask any suitable person to do it, I wouldn’t ask a busy mum on a Saturday 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yup, it’s all garbage isn’t it.