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AIBU?

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Original poster

False allegation

70 replies

Becra · 02/07/2023 13:22

Could really do with some help with this as feel so stressed about it! My daughter is 12 and coming to the end of year 7. She’s good friends with a girl in her form and has known her for years - this girl is known to gossip but it’s always been quite innocent.
My daughter came home from school on Friday very upset as she had overheard her ‘friend’ telling another girl on the bus that my daughter had stolen something from Claire’s accessories. My daughter confronted her regarding this and the ‘friend’ started crying. The ‘friend’ denied that she had said this - she also denied this to the teacher. She got her mum to collect her from school as she was so upset. The people that overheard her say it were questioned by the teacher and wrote it down.
This escalated on Friday evening by the mother of this girl saying that she was very annoyed that she had to collect her daughter from school, and that her daughter wouldn’t lie. This friend had told her mum a different story though - that my daughter had actually stolen something from Primark. We questioned our daughter, she categorically denied it, and we would hope we hadn’t brought her up to do something like this. We felt (hope) we did the right thing and went to the two shops in question for when they opened on Saturday morning, with our daughter in tow. Primark confirmed that our daughter hadn’t stolen anything (we’d taken her receipt with us with the time on) - the manager said he was willing to speak to the school and confirm this. We then went to Claire’s accessories and they don’t even sell the item that she supposedly stole (blusher). I phoned the parents of this ‘friend’ and the mum eventually called me back. Even with the evidence we have, she’s still adamant that her daughter wouldn’t lie and that our daughter is a thief! I really don’t know what else to do. I’m left with my daughter not wanting to go to school tomorrow as she’s so upset that people will think she’s a thief. We personally think that even without the evidence, the fact that this ‘friend’ is saying two different shops to different people, and denying it to the teachers is testament to her guilt/lying. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated though as it’s literally making me sick with worry! Thanks x

OP posts:
Siameasy · 02/07/2023 13:28

I think you’re fuelling and enabling this. If she had stolen it would be a matter for the shop or police ie the experts. The experts aren’t concerned so don’t give any oxygen to this weird attention seeker. These people get off on provoking a reaction. Teach her to shrug and say so what or roll her eyes and blank it all

WeAreTheHeroes · 02/07/2023 13:30

I think you should speak with the teacher and leave it at that. I'd advise your daughter to simply state she is not a thief and the friend who has said she is owes her an apology for making this up. Don't call the other child a liar and your daughter shouldn't either. And say no more. Any tittle tattle is reported to the teacher. Take the emotion out of it and stick to the facts.

Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:31

Thanks; I get where you’re coming from and agree. I guess I’m more concerned that mud sticks and people talk - especially 12 year-old girls! I just don’t want her being labelled a thief when she’s not x

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Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:32

Great advice - thanks x

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HarrisJu · 02/07/2023 13:34

I agree, don't fuel the fire.
Tell your dd that she has done nothing wrong and what other people think is their own business. Your dd knows the truth and you believe her.

Jazzyjezzabelle · 02/07/2023 13:35

You’re taking it too far, going to the shops. Having a receipt is not evidence of no theft. But it’s irrelevant, don’t get so over involved in this and make it a bigger deal, it’s really not that major, you speak to the school, don’t be saying you went to thr shops etc and had a manager confirm no theft, makes you look at bit odd, and let the school deal with it. Stop giving it fuel.

Scotsgranny · 02/07/2023 13:38

This is a great opportunity to teach your daughter some resilience. Of course it's upsetting to be accused of something you didn't do, and she may feel uncertain about the reaction of others in her class. But rather than building the drama, you can help her to put it in proportion and find ways to be positive if she encounters any comments from others. However she may find that everyone else has forgotten all about it by Monday anyway. Fallouts are a feature of this stage, but these things don't generally last. (Recently retired teacher)

Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:39

I didn’t say that the receipt was evidence of no theft - it merely showed the time that they were in the store! x

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Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:40

Thanks so much - great advice! Enjoy your retirement xx

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Jazzyjezzabelle · 02/07/2023 13:40

Agree, this is just a daft falling out with kids, but can I ask is there a back story here op in terms of you> dragging her to the shops, asking the manager if primark if she stole, you logically know he’d not know if she did, unless she was searched on the way out and now you’re very stressed. And worried about her being labelled a thief, it’s quite an extreme reaction and I feel sorry for your daughter having to go to primark like that and have it confirmed she was not a thief, clearly the manager was trying to help her.

Nagado · 02/07/2023 13:41

I think I’d get your DD to approach it with the contempt it deserves. If anyone raises it with her, she needs to roll her eyes and say ‘’you know what child is like. She ran out of gossip so decided to make some up. She can’t even make up her mind what shop I’m supposed to have stolen from and is only sticking to her story so her mum doesn’t ground her for lying. My mum saw the cctv from the shops proving she’s lying and is furious with her’ then change the subject. If she goes in to school getting upset or furiously denying it, then there will always be someone who believes there’s no smoke without fire. The less of a drama you make over it, the quicker it will blow over.

But she seriously needs to keep her distance from this girl.

Berlinlover · 02/07/2023 13:41

I can’t believe you went to the shops, your poor daughter.

CoralBells · 02/07/2023 13:41

People that lie are worrying. At least if she makes stuff up in future the school will have it on record that she lies.

CoralBells · 02/07/2023 13:42

Nagado · 02/07/2023 13:41

I think I’d get your DD to approach it with the contempt it deserves. If anyone raises it with her, she needs to roll her eyes and say ‘’you know what child is like. She ran out of gossip so decided to make some up. She can’t even make up her mind what shop I’m supposed to have stolen from and is only sticking to her story so her mum doesn’t ground her for lying. My mum saw the cctv from the shops proving she’s lying and is furious with her’ then change the subject. If she goes in to school getting upset or furiously denying it, then there will always be someone who believes there’s no smoke without fire. The less of a drama you make over it, the quicker it will blow over.

But she seriously needs to keep her distance from this girl.

Agree with this

Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:42

No, there’s no backstory - merely two parents trying to help their daughter out. She was the one who wanted to go in order to prove her innocence - we agreed as it just confirmed what we already knew x

OP posts:
Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:44

Thanks so much - great advice. Yes, this is the final straw with this girl. We’ve told her to be polite but keep her distance! x

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 02/07/2023 13:45

You have proof she didn’t do anything, as does your child

all she needs to say at school is it’s not true, the shops have confirmed that, and if people carry on about it then she speaks to the head teacher to take forward

i would also ensure that any friendship now ceases and would be telling my daughter not to have anything to do with the other girl

Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:47

@Berlinlover if you read my replies you will have seen that my daughter wanted to go and prove her innocence. We merely agreed as it would confirm what we already knew, as well as providing some sort of evidence. We’ve never encountered anything like this before x

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Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:47

@CoralBells agreed. Thanks x

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Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:48

@Tinkerbyebye great advice. Thanks so much x

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BallantyneValentine · 02/07/2023 13:49

I totally agree this is no longer about real facts and it is all about saving face. The friendship in whatever form it took is completely not healthy. We cannot control what other people believe about us we can only work on ourselves. If your DD focuses on her good other friendships instead of trying to deal with the other girl it will turn around. We had something very similar with our DD which turned very nasty and all we focused on her not being involved with the other girl it all sorted itself out.

Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:51

@BallantyneValentine thanks - that’s a great way to look at it and I’ll tell her this. Glad everything was resolved with your DD. If only we could all just be kind, hey? X

OP posts:
Mariposista · 02/07/2023 13:52

Your poor daughter. What a horrible lie to tell. I'd be encouraging her to keep well away from the little madam.

Original poster
Becra · 02/07/2023 13:53

We think so too. We’ve told her to steer clear and will be recommending some of the advice above x

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towriteyoumustlive · 02/07/2023 13:57

I don't get it.

Girl B accused girl A (your daughter) of theft to girl C. Girl B then denied saying this.

Surely when the teacher asked Girl C what Girl B said, Girl C said about Girl A being a thief, which then proves Girl B to be a liar so her comment about your daughter being a thief becomes irrelevant?!?!

I'd tell your daughter to be polite but not bother being friends with Girl B.