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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

False allegation

70 replies

Becra · 02/07/2023 13:22

Could really do with some help with this as feel so stressed about it! My daughter is 12 and coming to the end of year 7. She’s good friends with a girl in her form and has known her for years - this girl is known to gossip but it’s always been quite innocent.
My daughter came home from school on Friday very upset as she had overheard her ‘friend’ telling another girl on the bus that my daughter had stolen something from Claire’s accessories. My daughter confronted her regarding this and the ‘friend’ started crying. The ‘friend’ denied that she had said this - she also denied this to the teacher. She got her mum to collect her from school as she was so upset. The people that overheard her say it were questioned by the teacher and wrote it down.
This escalated on Friday evening by the mother of this girl saying that she was very annoyed that she had to collect her daughter from school, and that her daughter wouldn’t lie. This friend had told her mum a different story though - that my daughter had actually stolen something from Primark. We questioned our daughter, she categorically denied it, and we would hope we hadn’t brought her up to do something like this. We felt (hope) we did the right thing and went to the two shops in question for when they opened on Saturday morning, with our daughter in tow. Primark confirmed that our daughter hadn’t stolen anything (we’d taken her receipt with us with the time on) - the manager said he was willing to speak to the school and confirm this. We then went to Claire’s accessories and they don’t even sell the item that she supposedly stole (blusher). I phoned the parents of this ‘friend’ and the mum eventually called me back. Even with the evidence we have, she’s still adamant that her daughter wouldn’t lie and that our daughter is a thief! I really don’t know what else to do. I’m left with my daughter not wanting to go to school tomorrow as she’s so upset that people will think she’s a thief. We personally think that even without the evidence, the fact that this ‘friend’ is saying two different shops to different people, and denying it to the teachers is testament to her guilt/lying. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated though as it’s literally making me sick with worry! Thanks x

OP posts:

Original poster

Becra · 02/07/2023 13:59

@towriteyoumustlive Nonsensical isn’t it! It’s the mother that’s shouting it from the rooftops and saying her daughter wouldn’t lie. Going to take the advice above, stick to the facts, and get my daughter to hold her head high x

OP posts:

diddl · 02/07/2023 14:01

Is the other girl trying to turn mutual friends against your daughter?

Surely the school need to deal with this as bullying?

Hopefully your daughter has some good friends who will stick by her.

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 14:05

Don't speak to this mum again. Email the HoY today with all the details, asking HoY to deal with it first thing tomorrow morning because your dd is upset.

Original poster

Becra · 02/07/2023 14:06

@diddl it seems that way but luckily my daughter’s friends know she would never do anything like this. Like I say, any gossip in the past has been fairly innocent, but this is a step too far. I’m taking the advice above and try to remove any emotion from it x

OP posts:

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 14:07

Send her in. Tell her to hold her head up high and to insist if anyone does ask to not go into any detail, but to simply say that it's all a load of nonsense and she's stollen nothing. Teach her to be strong and show resilience.

Oblomov23 · 02/07/2023 14:08

You didn't need to go to the shops. In future calm down!

WonderfulUsername · 02/07/2023 14:10

I’m left with my daughter not wanting to go to school tomorrow as she’s so upset that people will think she’s a thief.

Including her own parents!

Poor kid, being paraded around the shops like that. You basically told her she's guilty until she can prove she's innocent.

Shockingly bad move OP and one I'm sure she'll never forget when it comes to telling you anything in future.

johnd2 · 02/07/2023 14:12

Honestly who cares who thinks your daughter is a thief. As long as the other girl isn't a police officer I don't think I'd worry about it. Yes you can help your daughter with her feelings about this, but don't let your own feelings get out of hand and make it worse! I get that being called a thief is triggering for many people but remember that's your problem don't make it your daughter's!

WonderfulUsername · 02/07/2023 14:14

Becra · 02/07/2023 13:47

@Berlinlover if you read my replies you will have seen that my daughter wanted to go and prove her innocence. We merely agreed as it would confirm what we already knew, as well as providing some sort of evidence. We’ve never encountered anything like this before x

And this isn't true either.

Having a receipt simply puts her in the shops at those times, it doesn't prove anything else.

Even the shops cant confirm she didn't steal anything as they're hardly likely to do an immediate stock take are they?

You should've told your child you believe her and that's that.

towriteyoumustlive · 02/07/2023 14:14

Becra · 02/07/2023 13:59

Yes it's really odd!

Unless girl C also lied and denied girl B saying this?!?!

But providing she told the truth to the teacher when asked then the fact that girl B lied is now a given fact, so it seems bizarre for her mum to try and say she didn't lie?!?!

The best lesson is to remind your daughter that people do odd things sometimes, so to stick with the people who are her genuine friends.

knockyknees · 02/07/2023 14:16

I'd be wondering if the nasty girl actually stole something herself, and is trying to cover up/deflect by lying about your DD.

wwyd2021medicine · 02/07/2023 14:17

knockyknees · 02/07/2023 14:16

I'd be wondering if the nasty girl actually stole something herself, and is trying to cover up/deflect by lying about your DD.

I thought this too

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 14:18

Kids gossiping is one thing but if another parent called my DC a thief, I'd send them a cease and desist letter.

TheaBrandt · 02/07/2023 14:25

Some girls of this age behave very very weirdly.

Your parading your Dd round the shops thing for “proof” was rather strange though.

Your role is to be brusque / calm / state the facts then move on and eye roll over it. Don’t get bogged down arguing it out with the other family.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/07/2023 14:25

I’m left with my daughter not wanting to go to school tomorrow as she’s so upset that people will think she’s a thief.

Including her own parents!

Poor kid, being paraded around the shops like that. You basically told her she's guilty until she can prove she's innocent.

Shockingly bad move OP and one I'm sure she'll never forget when it comes to telling you anything in future.

Yes, so weird.

MatildaTheCat · 02/07/2023 14:25

This is escalating far more than it needs to. Just explain to school/ the other parents or whoever that you’ve made enquiries and spoken with your DD and there has been no theft. The other girl has been’mistaken’. Calling her out and insisting that she’s a liar won’t achieve anything.

Then advise your DD to refuse to engage any further and keep her distance.

Watchthedoormat · 02/07/2023 14:33

Berlinlover · 02/07/2023 13:41

I can’t believe you went to the shops, your poor daughter.

Agreed.
Your poor DD. You've taken this too far.

Original poster

Becra · 02/07/2023 14:41

@Watchthedoormat @TheaBrandt @YetAnotherSpartacus if you had read my replies, you would see that it was actually our daughter who begged to go. Far from being weird, I’d consider us to be stable loving parents who are trying to help our daughter navigate a difficult situation. I know you’re behind a keyboard but just be kind. I’ll leave it there x

OP posts:

Conkersinautumn · 02/07/2023 14:42

Shops can hardly prove someone didn't steal!

But the story switching points the stealing to being either bragging or the story teller.

Your daughter needs to avoid the girl and that's literally all.

WonderfulUsername · 02/07/2023 14:44

Becra · 02/07/2023 14:41

If your daughter was really begging to go, then as the adults you should have told her no, because it proves nothing.

And the manager claimed they were will to speak to the school to confirm she didn't steal anything?

How exactly, considering they'd have no clue?

Original poster

Becra · 02/07/2023 14:47

@WonderfulUsername we’ve never been in a situation like this before and hope to never be again. As parents, if something will do no harm and it helps a person in a situation, I’d personally go ahead and do it. We’re all different though. Maybe we did the wrong thing by going but it certainly made our daughter feel better, so I’m not going to dwell on it x

OP posts:

WonderfulUsername · 02/07/2023 14:49

Fair enough but I'd be gutted my parents didn't believe me, even if I had been the one who apparently wanted to go to the two shops.

I'd fully expect them to tell me they trust me so not to be silly.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 02/07/2023 14:49

This is one of the most batshit crazy things I have read on here for a long time

Original poster

Becra · 02/07/2023 14:50

@knockyknees it did cross my mind but I just don’t understand what she’d gain from it. So long as our daughter gets an apology we’ll be happy. Hopefully this will teach the other girl an important life lesson too x

OP posts:

MumblesParty · 02/07/2023 14:51

If anyone asks about it, your daughter should just shrug and say she never stole anything, can’t think why her friend is lying, maybe she’s the one who stole something, who knows. Then change the subject. Term is nearly over and it’ll be forgotten by next term.

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