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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are people with more children happier?

121 replies

DinkeyDonkey · 02/07/2023 13:18

I have one child, who brings so much joy to our lives. So much so, I don't feel I need another. But I wonder, does having more children bring more joy? It must do.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 03/07/2023 08:52

I've been much happier since I had two. I think it's because it distributes the worry around a bit - can't be totally obsessed with one or the other at any time as they both need me. Incidentally I'm an only child and DH was really the driving force behind having a second but I'm so glad I did

User13630934 · 03/07/2023 08:52

The people I know without children seem happier than those with, I guess their lives are generally less stressful.

ContractQuestion · 03/07/2023 09:12

I'm so glad I had 2
I think for a short time after having no 2 (first 6.months?) I wasn't sure I'd done the right thing as those with 1 were much more free and mobile at that stage but like a pp since seeing their bond and watching them grow up together has been magic. I am sure 1 is easier but 2 has been so rewarding

I think more than 2 would be much easier with family support. And limits what you can do a bit. But if you are well off can Ben lovely to "fill a house." A friend with 4 grown up kids always has a fun Xmas/birthday etc as there's an instant crowd.

PurpleParrotfish · 03/07/2023 09:17

ThisIsACoolUserName · 02/07/2023 14:16

I have no children (by choice).
I have friends and family members with 1 or 2 or 3.
My grandma had 8.
It's almost impossible to compare or quantify what 'joy' is. It means different things to different people.
But I would say, I think each baby brings joy. However, as that baby gets a bit older and turns into a toddler and then a child - for many people - the joy is tempered by the extra worry, busyness, logistical difficulty and financial hardship that comes with having an additional family member.

I would say the opposite - the baby part is the most stressful as they are so vulnerable and dependent, you have to deal with sleepless nights and nappies and being judged for your baby not settling to sleep (or maybe that’s just my MIL).

My two are now late primary / early secondary and it’s a dream compared to that. With a partner who pulls their weight I can keep time for me and the other things that bring me joy. The thought of another baby brings only horror!

Mariposista · 03/07/2023 09:24

My beloved gran had 4. She died 3 months ago sad and disappointed, because only 1 of them (my mum) and one grandchild (me) really bothered to look up from our 'busy lives' to care about her.
I won't be having a large family.

JMSA · 03/07/2023 09:26

Mariposista · 03/07/2023 09:24

My beloved gran had 4. She died 3 months ago sad and disappointed, because only 1 of them (my mum) and one grandchild (me) really bothered to look up from our 'busy lives' to care about her.
I won't be having a large family.

Were the others males? That's been the experience in my family; it's the females that step up in these situations.

Seeleyboo · 03/07/2023 09:29

wutheringkites · 02/07/2023 16:00

In what way did she 'break' you?

Show quote history

She was on the go from day 1. Never experienced a newborn who never napped. She slept well at night though. She is super clever too so I wonder if she just needs way more stimulation than my others. Teachers have commented that she is very clever and they are pushing her through. Just picture never being able to stop chasing a little one till 10pm then up again at 4am with the other one. She is exhausting but wonderful. She was also the only one I suffered PND with and then lockdown.

Codlingmoths · 03/07/2023 09:31

JMSA · 03/07/2023 09:26

Were the others males? That's been the experience in my family; it's the females that step up in these situations.

Show quote history

I wonder this too- I have 3 and I’d love 4, but what I’d really really love is for my dd to have a sister. I think it is/can be such a special supportive relationship and have observed this so often as well as my own experience, I’m so sad she probably can’t have one.

AcidTest · 03/07/2023 09:32

PurpleParrotfish · 03/07/2023 09:17

I would say the opposite - the baby part is the most stressful as they are so vulnerable and dependent, you have to deal with sleepless nights and nappies and being judged for your baby not settling to sleep (or maybe that’s just my MIL).

My two are now late primary / early secondary and it’s a dream compared to that. With a partner who pulls their weight I can keep time for me and the other things that bring me joy. The thought of another baby brings only horror!

Show quote history

This is true until one of your children runs into problems as they get older - mental health problems, being bullied, struggling at school, fallen in with a bad crowd, drugs, relationship problems etc. Then you long for the days when the only thing you had to do to make them feel better was a cuddle and some milk!

Yousee · 03/07/2023 09:34

My first brought me so much joy, so much so that I felt the world needed and deserved more of my and DHs babies in it.
I'm absolutely beside myself with happiness to see the relationship between my babies so although I do not love the additional laundry or poo I need to deal with I would say I'm happier with more than one.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/07/2023 09:34

I'm happy with 2. I don't think I'd of been happy with more than that, wouldn't of coped.

mashm24 · 03/07/2023 09:35

I feel much happier since having my child. Expecting my second now x

Retrain12345 · 03/07/2023 09:35

Having more made our first child so much happier. They play together constantly and adore eachother.

It isn’t the same for everyone though, I just got very lucky.

Purplepeaches123 · 03/07/2023 09:41

No not in my personal experience. Honestly If I could have my time again I wouldn’t have any mostly because of the crazy world we live in. One is plenty. My adult children don’t have or want children and my teens have said the same. I’m happy with their decision.

AlltheFs · 03/07/2023 09:47

No. All the happiest people I know have 0-1 children. 2+ seems to bring more stress than benefit.

I think you always want more adults than children in a household. The minute they outnumber you are screwed.

Lentilweaver · 03/07/2023 09:52

You are only as happy as your saddest child. If your DC have no problems growing up- MH, drugs, extra needs, trouble getting a job even- then you are happy. If not, it's tough. And these days everyone has problems. The more DC, the more likelihood of problems.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but it's true as kids grow up....

BelindaBears · 03/07/2023 09:53

Mariposista · 03/07/2023 09:24

My beloved gran had 4. She died 3 months ago sad and disappointed, because only 1 of them (my mum) and one grandchild (me) really bothered to look up from our 'busy lives' to care about her.
I won't be having a large family.

I’m one of 4, and I’m the only one dealing with my elderly (and terminally ill) parents. I really didn’t enjoy being one of many as a child, and I’m certainly not enjoying it as an adult. It would be much simpler if didn’t have to involve them in anything and they provide me no support or comfort, that is entirely coming from my DH and friends. I have a cherished and happy only child.

marmaladeslade · 03/07/2023 09:55

I guess if everyone has one or none then we won't have to worry about climate change anytime soon. Human population would be wiped out. That may or may not be a good thing. WHo knows?

Emelene · 03/07/2023 09:56

I love having 2. I’ve come to terms with 2 being enough for me, and that another child won’t make me (or our whole family) happier. I think it’s individual for the mum and the whole family unit.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/07/2023 09:59

I have two, and would've liked a third, but DH wasn't up for it. Very happy with my two, think a third would've brought us more joy - but then, less time, money and attention to go round, so maybe not?

Mariposista · 03/07/2023 10:06

BelindaBears · 03/07/2023 09:53

I’m one of 4, and I’m the only one dealing with my elderly (and terminally ill) parents. I really didn’t enjoy being one of many as a child, and I’m certainly not enjoying it as an adult. It would be much simpler if didn’t have to involve them in anything and they provide me no support or comfort, that is entirely coming from my DH and friends. I have a cherished and happy only child.

Show quote history

Very sensible.
My mum and I sat alone at Gran’s funeral across the aisle from everyone else (nit intentional - we misjudged how much room we would need). One of mum’s friends said it was the most haunting image she has ever seen - everyone else crying and holding onto each other and us two sat there, alone, and too defeated to cry yet. I hope all those holidays, meals out, parties, living their lives was worth it (said with massive bitterness right now I’m afraid).
All the best OP, I feel for you.

Mariposista · 03/07/2023 10:06

@BelindaBears I mean, not OP

wutheringkites · 03/07/2023 10:10

I agree that this is about knowing yourself and understanding your own needs and priorities.

There is no magic number of children.

The people I know who are most happiest were happy people before having kids too, or haven't had kids at all (through choice).

Peony654 · 03/07/2023 10:11

it's totally individual, you can't reduce it to having child(ren) or a certain number.

Holly60 · 03/07/2023 10:13

DinkeyDonkey · 02/07/2023 15:54

Personally I wouldn't want to only have one. For their sake, especially as they get older and they have no one around to joke with, annoy and be there for them. I just can't imagine holidays and down time being all that fun with just adults, but that's just my opinion, I realise not all siblings get on (luckily mine do).

I don't see this as an issue as have lots of friends. He spends most of the week at nursery and at weekends he often sees other children (our friends' toddlers) and then he gets to have us all to himself at home as well.

I don’t know because my 1 brings me enough joy that I don’t need another. I can’t see how having less time with her would make me happier and I don’t feel anything is missing in my life. But obviously I don’t have more than one so can’t know, just as someone who has more than one can’t know if they’d have ended up happier sticking with one (or none!) either. I believe statistically there’s no evidence to support your theory but probably no strong evidence for mine either.

This is what I think too but I wondered whether people have had another and thought "I'm twice as happy now" 😁I don't have a theory really. It's just a question and maybe I am wondering if I will regret not having more.

For myself, I was very content after number 1 and wouldn't have been devastated to only have her. We did go on to have DS and the unexpected joy was watching their relationship with each other. They just loved each other from the start and watching them play together was one of my greatest joys.

They are both adults now and have their own children. It's still my favourite thing to have us all get together and see my children and their partners all laughing and joking together and now the cousins all playing together. It creates an impromptu party with very little effort.

Also having a son and a daughter has been special. Im glad I have been able to experience both