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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son been split from best friend at school.

60 replies

MadammeGazelle · 02/07/2023 10:21

Long story short, DC is in year1. The classes always get split for the next year and DC has been split from their best friend. Admittedly DC plays in a group but the actual BF is going to another class.

I'm wondering why this has happened and AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 10:22

I believe they do this to encourage expanding and building new friendships. Also sometimes to put some distance between friendships that aren't great - for the kids or for the class dynamics.

Original poster
MadammeGazelle · 02/07/2023 10:23

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 10:22

I believe they do this to encourage expanding and building new friendships. Also sometimes to put some distance between friendships that aren't great - for the kids or for the class dynamics.

Thank you for your reply. This is my first time at the rodeo so I'm just trying to work it all out.

OP posts:
SeeingSpots · 02/07/2023 10:24

Why are you annoyed? He will still see his friend at break time and lunchtime.

Honestly he's probably been split because he either relies too much on this friend and vice versa or because they tend to get silly chatting in class and they feel it would do them both some good to explore other friendships.

HomeSeck · 02/07/2023 10:26

Same here - but in my case I'm pleased as I've noticed there is definitely a situation where my son is being bossed around and only allowed to play what his friend wants him to.

So I imagine that school have picked up on this and are trying to let them both develop other friendships.

Confrontayshunme · 02/07/2023 10:26

Parents think teachers love to do this, but in actual fact, you have to balance SEN needs, free school meals, boys vs girls, highly emotional vs calm children and a host of other factors. I know it feels personal, but they have determined your child is better in x class, so that is where they are.

My DD is across the corridor from me and was devastated to find out her best friend had been moved. Then I found out her teacher was pregnant. Her bf would not have coped with a new teacher after the first term, but she can, so I wouldn't dream of questioning it. They will see each other at play and lunch times.

Sirzy · 02/07/2023 10:27

Sorting classes is a real juggling act for schools.

sometimes friendship groups are best split up during lessons because they can lead to children distracting each other or being silly and distracting others. They can still play at play times and out of school.

Original poster
MadammeGazelle · 02/07/2023 10:27

SeeingSpots · 02/07/2023 10:24

Why are you annoyed? He will still see his friend at break time and lunchtime.

Honestly he's probably been split because he either relies too much on this friend and vice versa or because they tend to get silly chatting in class and they feel it would do them both some good to explore other friendships.

Maybe annoyed is the wrong word. I just assumed they would be placed together and I didn't dream they would be separated. Maybe shocked is a better word.

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 02/07/2023 10:29

You would be better focused on building your son's resilience rather than complaining.

Much better life skill for him.

His friend is still at the school - they can play at lunchtime, playdates etc.

Life is full of small emotional challenges and here is a good opportunity to help model for him how to make the best of a situation and build new friendships.

The friend could have moved away entirely.
Their friendship may have withered anyway as they grew up
Etc
Your son needs to be resilient to these things. You will set him up better for life if you help him become so, rather than complain to the school

Original poster
MadammeGazelle · 02/07/2023 10:30

Confrontayshunme · 02/07/2023 10:26

Parents think teachers love to do this, but in actual fact, you have to balance SEN needs, free school meals, boys vs girls, highly emotional vs calm children and a host of other factors. I know it feels personal, but they have determined your child is better in x class, so that is where they are.

My DD is across the corridor from me and was devastated to find out her best friend had been moved. Then I found out her teacher was pregnant. Her bf would not have coped with a new teacher after the first term, but she can, so I wouldn't dream of questioning it. They will see each other at play and lunch times.

I can only imagine that it's a complete headache to sort all that out!

OP posts:
NaughtPoppy · 02/07/2023 10:30

Either random, or they’re not a good combination.

Original poster
MadammeGazelle · 02/07/2023 10:32

MojoMoon · 02/07/2023 10:29

You would be better focused on building your son's resilience rather than complaining.

Much better life skill for him.

His friend is still at the school - they can play at lunchtime, playdates etc.

Life is full of small emotional challenges and here is a good opportunity to help model for him how to make the best of a situation and build new friendships.

The friend could have moved away entirely.
Their friendship may have withered anyway as they grew up
Etc
Your son needs to be resilient to these things. You will set him up better for life if you help him become so, rather than complain to the school

I haven't said anything of a sort about complaining to the school.

OP posts:
TimeToMoveIt · 02/07/2023 10:32

My 3rd had this in year 3 which was crap because he only started in the school in year 2 and had only managed to make a couple of friends and thet were both moved to a different class. Unfortunately it happens though.

The secondary school they go to doesn't take into account friendships so they end up in groups with people they dont know at all. There's 2 kids from his primary school in his group but he never really spoke to them at junior school

Greenflamesburn · 02/07/2023 10:38

Wow let's find another thing to flog teaches over.
Benny must sit with Matty.
What you don't see is Benny and Matty are little twats together that don't listen an cause disruption. Yes even at 5-6 they start to learn to rule the roost. Splitting them is easier.
My year 2 and best friend have been Split as all they do is chat to each other. I'm hoping going forward her effort to school work improves.

Greenflamesburn · 02/07/2023 10:41

Ps you didn't enable voting YABVU it's school and this is not a battle I would consider with them

mn29 · 02/07/2023 10:43

Happens all the time, teachers have more to worry about than keeping best friends together. You just have to get on with it.

AuntMarch · 02/07/2023 10:43

Happened to me, having been specifically told we would stay together! Never in another class together again, not even a single subject in secondary school. Still very close friends now, 30+ years later.

They may drift apart, but then they would have anyway. And if they don't, no harm done anyway!

Theoldgreygoose · 02/07/2023 10:46

Why on earth shouldn't they be split up? Schools really have more to do than make sure friends go into the same class. Your DC will make new friends, and can still see his best friend at breaks. When I was at primary school I was moved up a year and so was never in the same class as my friends ever again, and went off to high school while they were still at primary. My parents most certainly didn't get annoyed and I survived.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/07/2023 10:49

Best friends aren’t necessarily best learners when placed together. It may be that or it may be random.

GeriatricMumma · 02/07/2023 10:49

Every year my sons school mix up the classes; they soon find new best friends.

Glittertwins · 02/07/2023 10:52

It's definitely for the best. I really don't think parents should encourage the special best friend thing - we've certainly seen it lead to tears and serious repercussions later on.

Original poster
MadammeGazelle · 02/07/2023 10:54

Maybe annoyed was the wrong word to use. Maybe shocked was more appropriate.

This is my first DC at school so it's a learning curve for me also and by no means a teacher/school bashing thread.

I have the upmost respect for teaching and the school is a fantastic one. Nor was I ever approaching the school about the separation.

OP posts:
electriclight · 02/07/2023 10:54

I'm a teacher. They make new best friends within weeks and often hang on to the old one too, who they are excited to see at playtime and lunchtime. It widens their social circle, gives them more friendship options and helps them learn the important skill of getting to know new people.

When we sort classes at our school we have to have equal numbers, fair mix of boys and girls, fair mix of SEN/G&T, pupil premium/fsm balance.

On top, aim to give everyone at least one good friend and split up dynamics that don't work or have been requested by parents.

Awful when parents complain and you only split them because the other child or parents asked you to!

Spinet · 02/07/2023 10:55

For some reason on MN you are never allowed to criticise teachers for even the tiniest thing. But realistically as a small child being separated from your best mate unexpectedly is a huge thing so it's perfectly reasonable to mention it. As an adult it's your own responsibility to make sure you get what you need but as a kid you can't and people are shocked if you try.

That doesn't mean your son can't learn to live with the new arrangements op. Maybe you can plan a weekly play date with the old friend and make space for a regular play with new friends too, if you're in a position to do that.

electriclight · 02/07/2023 10:56

Spinet · 02/07/2023 10:55

For some reason on MN you are never allowed to criticise teachers for even the tiniest thing. But realistically as a small child being separated from your best mate unexpectedly is a huge thing so it's perfectly reasonable to mention it. As an adult it's your own responsibility to make sure you get what you need but as a kid you can't and people are shocked if you try.

That doesn't mean your son can't learn to live with the new arrangements op. Maybe you can plan a weekly play date with the old friend and make space for a regular play with new friends too, if you're in a position to do that.

Not allowed? Every other thread is criticising school or teachers so that can't be true!

Calloffruity · 02/07/2023 10:59

Try not to worry. DD was in a group of 4 girls in reception - going into y1 the other 3 went into a class together and DD was put in the other one. I was worried but they sought each other out every break and lunchtime, and the friendship group remained strong throughout the year. Y2 they were all back together and remained so for the rest of primary, and stayed friends throughout.