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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Allow My Daughter To Express Herself

82 replies

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 16:46

My parents gave me a pretty good foundation I think, they weren’t too strict or too lenient. They allowed me a degree of freedom that my friends didn’t have on the basis that I worked hard at school, was always honest and adhered to the reasonable boundaries they set me.
So I’ve tried to do the same with my own kids but of course they are very young still. My dd is 5 and very mature for her age, she works hard at school and we have a great open relationship where she talks to
me about anything. Long may it continue. She is very expressive; loves clothes and fashion and it makes her so happy to express herself through clothes, make up etc. Today she wanted to wear a certain outfit, have purple hair and make up. Which I was happy to do for her. Off we go to a school fayre and looking around her I see that she’s pretty different to the other kids in terms of how they look. Am I in that wrong to let her do these things in her down time because she’s 5 or should I allow her the freedom to choose how she looks even if it means wearing a little mascara?

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 01/07/2023 18:31

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:29

@WonderfulUsername well there are kids in her school that turn up to actual school with permanently died hair at 5 and those that turn up in their own clothes regularly. She attends school with no hair colour, in her correct uniform 100% of the time!

Oh, I was just going off what you wrote in your OP...

Off we go to a school fayre and looking around her I see that she’s pretty different to the other kids in terms of how they look.

ApplesInTheSunshine · 01/07/2023 18:31

She’s 5. She shouldn’t be wearing any make up or having any colour in her hair.

Original poster
Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:32

@Superdupes she wants to wear sparkly eyeshadow? Her clothes are age appropriate. You’re therefore assuming that kids can’t be exploring different parts of their personality? By mature I mean she dresses herself, helps me cook, cares about the environment. None of those things are bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:34

@WonderfulUsername its out of school, so she wore what she wanted ie jeans, top and trainers.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 01/07/2023 18:36

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:34

@WonderfulUsername its out of school, so she wore what she wanted ie jeans, top and trainers.

I don’t really get how that’s different to a lot of the other kids?

Merryoldgoat · 01/07/2023 18:37

My son and his friends like hair glitter and colour for special outings etc. I don’t see any issues.

She’s dressed up for a special day out.

Personally I’d avoid mascara as it gets in eyes but that’s the only reason.

WonderfulUsername · 01/07/2023 18:40

ProfessorXtra · 01/07/2023 18:36

I don’t really get how that’s different to a lot of the other kids?

Show quote history

I genuinely don't either, or how helping mum cook dinner/dressing herself makes her any different to most 5 year olds.

And most kids care about the environment because it's drummed into them at school.

Original poster
Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:40

@Merryoldgoat thank you! Im trying to
work out the reasonable boundaries here that’s it. She likes to get dressed up, a lot of kids around her don’t care quite as much which is also ok. I don’t want to tell her
to tone her expression down and that’s what I was looking for guidance on. She doesn’t always wear mascara, she really
wanted to try it and I said ok for a special treat.

OP posts:
Winecrispschocolatecats · 01/07/2023 18:44

I've no issue at all with individual taste in clothes, and my DD has rocked green, blue, red and purple hair (at different times!) but I wouldn't have let her wear mascara at 5yrs old. It isn't at all age appropriate and there's the chance of a serious eye infection if wands are shared.

Lip gloss maybe. Face painting at the fair definitely. Mascara no.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/07/2023 18:46

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:40

@Merryoldgoat thank you! Im trying to
work out the reasonable boundaries here that’s it. She likes to get dressed up, a lot of kids around her don’t care quite as much which is also ok. I don’t want to tell her
to tone her expression down and that’s what I was looking for guidance on. She doesn’t always wear mascara, she really
wanted to try it and I said ok for a special treat.

What were you hoping to get from this post? Posters congratulating you on having such a wonderful relationship with your daughter? Or telling you how amazing your daughter sounds? It just sounds average to me

Tempone · 01/07/2023 18:49

Posters are being super bitchy on this thread. I hope you feel great about yourselves 👏👏👏

ProfessorXtra · 01/07/2023 18:51

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:40

@Merryoldgoat thank you! Im trying to
work out the reasonable boundaries here that’s it. She likes to get dressed up, a lot of kids around her don’t care quite as much which is also ok. I don’t want to tell her
to tone her expression down and that’s what I was looking for guidance on. She doesn’t always wear mascara, she really
wanted to try it and I said ok for a special treat.

If other kids permanently dye their hair and express themselves by not wearing uniform at school, how is she not like the other kids there?

Why would you be worried about toning down her expressing herself, when you clearly aren’t doing that at all.

Like @WonderfulUsername said, she sounds like a typical 5 year old

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 18:59

Make up on kids is rank. Makes me think of over-sexualised pageants and dancing.

This is either a fake post, AI or an attempt at bragging, which has gone tits up.

Original poster
Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:59

I like to think I’m a pretty good mum, I try to nurture and support my kids and allow them to be themselves. So far my kids have turned out to be respectful, kind, intelligent kids who share that with their peers. But honestly this post has reminded me of all the horrid people and attitudes I hope they never have to meet. I haven’t sexualised my child, I’ve allowed her to wear some wash out hair dye and Claire’s eyeshadow. And a little mascara as she really wanted to. I was looking for some advice as to whether that was ok to let her be herself on her own time when so many of her peers don’t want to show themselves in the same way. All this has shown me is how horrible people can be without applying common sense to a post. I hope you all enjoy your ivory towers!

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 19:03

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:59

I like to think I’m a pretty good mum, I try to nurture and support my kids and allow them to be themselves. So far my kids have turned out to be respectful, kind, intelligent kids who share that with their peers. But honestly this post has reminded me of all the horrid people and attitudes I hope they never have to meet. I haven’t sexualised my child, I’ve allowed her to wear some wash out hair dye and Claire’s eyeshadow. And a little mascara as she really wanted to. I was looking for some advice as to whether that was ok to let her be herself on her own time when so many of her peers don’t want to show themselves in the same way. All this has shown me is how horrible people can be without applying common sense to a post. I hope you all enjoy your ivory towers!

People aren’t horrible for disagreeing with your choices. You put your choices out there and literally asked what people think.

It turns out lots of people really dislike make up on little girls, because it feels very adult, very pageanty, and over-sexualised for a small child.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/07/2023 19:10

I was looking for some advice as to whether that was ok to let her be herself on her own time when so many of her peers don’t want to show themselves in the same way

How do you know her peers aren't showing themselves? Just because they don't want to wear make up, which personally I dislike on little kids, that doesn't mean they aren't showing themselves. You obviously have older children going by your latest post so why are you so bothered about this one

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 01/07/2023 19:15

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:59

I like to think I’m a pretty good mum, I try to nurture and support my kids and allow them to be themselves. So far my kids have turned out to be respectful, kind, intelligent kids who share that with their peers. But honestly this post has reminded me of all the horrid people and attitudes I hope they never have to meet. I haven’t sexualised my child, I’ve allowed her to wear some wash out hair dye and Claire’s eyeshadow. And a little mascara as she really wanted to. I was looking for some advice as to whether that was ok to let her be herself on her own time when so many of her peers don’t want to show themselves in the same way. All this has shown me is how horrible people can be without applying common sense to a post. I hope you all enjoy your ivory towers!

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, especially with the clarifications

ProfessorXtra · 01/07/2023 19:16

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:59

I like to think I’m a pretty good mum, I try to nurture and support my kids and allow them to be themselves. So far my kids have turned out to be respectful, kind, intelligent kids who share that with their peers. But honestly this post has reminded me of all the horrid people and attitudes I hope they never have to meet. I haven’t sexualised my child, I’ve allowed her to wear some wash out hair dye and Claire’s eyeshadow. And a little mascara as she really wanted to. I was looking for some advice as to whether that was ok to let her be herself on her own time when so many of her peers don’t want to show themselves in the same way. All this has shown me is how horrible people can be without applying common sense to a post. I hope you all enjoy your ivory towers!

You did kids at school dye their hair with permanent dyes and wear what they want to school.

Your dds outfit sounds fairly standard. I very much doubt there wasn’t any other kids wear jeans trainers and a top or similar. I also would think at a school fair there would have been at least some other kids wearing face paint or a bit of sparkly eyeshadow.

So it doesn’t sounds like she was that different. But you are worrying about letting her be different.

The post is confusing because you describe a child wearing make up and a particular outfit and say no one else’s kids looked the same. Then go on to decisive fairly normal clothes, point out that loads of kids at her school dye their hair etc.

It feels like either a massive backtrack as it doesn’t make sense.

You asked peoples opinions. They have it. But you keep going back and forth in the situation.

PonyPatter44 · 01/07/2023 19:16

But you also said that so many of her peers are showing up to school with dyed hair jumped the shark there a bit , so a bit of funky hair dye and sparkly eyeshadow sounds pretty much par for the course. Basically as long as she's safe, hygienic and age-appropriate, you and she should knock yourselves out with self-expression

mummymeister · 01/07/2023 20:07

Make up your mind OP for goodness sake. you asked opinions you got them. you might not like them or agree with them but there you go. I taught my daughters in particular that they didnt have to feel the societal pressure to look a certain way, to wear make up etc in order to be accepted or acceptable. there are other ways of expressing your individuality than with sparkly eye make up hair dye and mascara. and i am afraid, whether you like it or not and whether you accept it or not the fact is that the sexualisation of young children in particular starts with adult adornments like make up. why would any sane parent want to go there?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/07/2023 20:17

Clareanscombe1964 · 01/07/2023 18:15

@NeverDropYourMooncup it was a pair of purple jeans, a cream vest top and trainers! How was your popcorn!?!

So she just looked like a perfectly normal kid with a bit of glitter on her face and bright hair because it's the weekend?

There was me thinking that you maybe had a goth fairy in a purple and black tutu with sparkly bat wings, stripey socks, purple bat headboppers and a pair of rollerskates. Perfect for Sainsbury's on a Saturday morning in 2004, apparently.

You need to help her up her game if a pair of trousers is what counts for dramatic child sartorial choices these days.

Plipplopdrop · 04/07/2023 14:46

This is a weird thread.
The purpose seemed to be about an unusual 5 year old who is dressed up differently to her peers at a school event - and now she's suddenly a normal 5 year old dressed better than her peers?

Tinyplant · 04/07/2023 15:19

I was 100% with you until the last line about mascara.

I have a very expressive five year old, I let her dress how she likes, dance and sing in public etc. I try hard not to dim her shine.

But makeup on children is gross. Mascara on a child so young is not a good parenting move. You should be teaching her she is beautiful how she is. Five-year-olds eyelashes do not need mascara. If I saw mascara on a five year old at a school fair I’d be judging you hard.

Tinyplant · 04/07/2023 15:25

At five, self expression in the form of sparkly hair clips, tutus, fancy dress, face paint etc is normal. Make up is designed for adults and is not.

I don’t get what is “fun” for a five year old about having black on their eyelashes. Frankly it implies a self-awareness about their appearance which a five year old shouldn’t have. My five year old likes a pink dress, a fun hat etc but wouldn’t think at all about her eyelashes.

Tinyplant · 04/07/2023 15:30

I was looking for some advice as to whether that was ok to let her be herself on her own time when so many of her peers don’t want to show themselves in the same way

”Peers don’t want to show themselves in the same way”? What does that even mean? Here’s your answer: most reception-aged children wouldn’t even think to ask to wear mascara, or know what it was. That’s why they aren’t “showing themselves” in that way.

btw I’m not a dullard or overly strict; my daughter has watched me apply mascara before. But she doesn’t really know what it is (thinks its “eyeliner”) and would not ask to wear it herself. When she asks me
anything about makeup, I tell her its for grown ups, and she is so beautiful she doesn’t need it.