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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ridiculous to think he’s cheating?

59 replies

PicturePop · 01/07/2023 12:43

I do have a tendency to overthink things and I have really low self esteem so I could absolutely be clutching at straws here.

My boyfriend is a really busy man. If he’s not at work, he’s with friends, committing to his sport or with me. We don’t get a huge amount of time to do nothing.

He’s recently changed his role at work which he hates; it’s really getting him down. He’s been coming home at 8pm some nights. This has worried me but he has explained why, and he will sometimes leave me voice notes ranting about it during the day.

He also doesn’t post me anymore. He’s never been a huge social media poster but he last posted me in march. We went on a holiday at the beginning of May and he mentioned he loved the pictures and will post some. He hasn’t. I mentioned this as a passing comment the other day and he got annoyed, telling me to “stop bringing it up”. It worries me that he doesn’t want someone to see…

Also, when we have sex he is either not finishing or taking ages to finish. This has happened with him sometimes before, but it just seems more common now.

I just can’t put my finger on it, although I am a hugely anxious person and my gut feeling has been hugely wrong in the past. He gets really upset if he feels I don’t trust him and he says I need to be understanding of how busy he is.

Am I being ridiculous? Outside of all this he’s very loving and encouraging, and makes a huge effort to spend time with me. We don’t really look at each others phones but from glances, I’ve never seen anything suspicious.

OP posts:
LauraNorda · 01/07/2023 12:47

I think he is just stressed out at work with his new role.

Porageeater · 01/07/2023 12:49

There’s nothing there to suggest cheating particularly

philautia · 01/07/2023 13:11

YABU. I've been in a committed, extremely happy relationship for over a decade and not sure if I've ever acknowledged his existence, nor has he mine. Both very secure, definitely no cheating.

You are running the risk as coming across as very needy. If your aim is to have a man post about you on social media, you are not with the right man. I suppose you have to pick what is important to you.

NinjaTurtIe · 01/07/2023 13:18

It's true that his behaviour has changed but whether he is cheating or busy I don't know because both can lead to these changes. However, I'm leaning towards cheating because lack of social media posting is a red flag, being busy is not a barrier to sharing publicly photos that are by his own admission nice.
It's also possible to be both, that he IS busy but also cheating, too.
If I were you I would either end it now or try and find evidence.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/07/2023 13:21

My head is melted just reading this. Why does anybody have to bloody post about you on social media? Are you a celebrity? I mean really, how did we all survive before it's existance

Original poster
PicturePop · 01/07/2023 15:25

It’s not just about that though, it’s the fact he’s actively not doing it and then moaning at me everytime I bring it up

OP posts:
chupachucks · 01/07/2023 15:31

Sounds like he's stressed out and getting depressed. Some people on MN love to say he's cheating just to get to you and feel better about themselve.

I'd point to stress.

YeahIsaidit · 01/07/2023 15:54

He just sounds stressed out being stuck in a role he doesn't particularly like with later hours. Complaining about not "posting you" on social media sounds childish really, why do you think he should? Why are you moaning at him for not doing so? I'd be snappy too if someone was harping on at me about something so stupid, besides all those lovey dovey coupled up posts are cringe worthy and the majority of your fb friends or whatever really don't give a shit

Hadjab · 01/07/2023 16:08

Most men don’t post on SM regularly in comparison to women. As for the sex side, he’s probably stressed with work. I doubt very much he’s cheating.

GoodChat · 01/07/2023 16:12

I don't remember the last time
DP or I posted each other on social media.

It sounds like his new job is taking all of his energy and making him miserable.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 01/07/2023 16:15

PicturePop · 01/07/2023 15:25

It’s not just about that though, it’s the fact he’s actively not doing it and then moaning at me everytime I bring it up

Then stop bringing it up and adding extra stress on his shoulders. Then maybe he'll finish!

Sorry OP, but you definitely sound like you're adding more to his plate when you should be the opposite.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/07/2023 16:18

My DH has had jobs he hated in the past and the stress makes him retreat into himself. I always know when he is stressed because his behaviour changes. It sounds to me like your OH is very stressed and just needs space to sort his head out and work through things. He doesn't need you banging on about SM posts. Be there for him and be supportive.

WhatADrabCarpet · 01/07/2023 16:18

He's stressed at work and you're adding to it by bringing up, repeatedly, about not posting.

I'm not surprised he's finding sex a bit tricky now.

Stop with your obsession about 'posting.' Hardly anyone cares about this sort of thing anyway.

FurryPelmet · 01/07/2023 16:19

Unless he posts pictures online of everything except you, I just wouldn’t care. I haven’t posted a single picture of my husband on social media for ten years. Love him to bits and the absence of uploads is utterly irrelevant. The people that count know we are together!

BelindaBears · 01/07/2023 16:21

Sounds more like work stress to me but I’m aware I don’t jump to cheating as an automatic conclusion as frequently as a lot of posters so may be an outlier.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/07/2023 16:22

I don't suppose by any chance you're the OP of a similar post recently whereby the man didn't constantly compliment her outfits, even when she wore specific outfits she expected feedback on. As its similar vibes

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 01/07/2023 16:22

PicturePop · 01/07/2023 15:25

It’s not just about that though, it’s the fact he’s actively not doing it and then moaning at me everytime I bring it up

It's absolute madness to be put out that he's not posting pictures of you on his social media.

SleeplessinScarbourough · 01/07/2023 16:26

Stop asking him about posting and start whittling down your social media accounts to one or two at the most and gradually come off social media completely even if only temporarily and you will see that it’s not important

Elvis1956 · 01/07/2023 16:31

Can I ask how old you are. He doesn't post on sm as !much as you perhaps because he didn't grow up.with it, or more likely he's too busy with work and the clear stress it's giving him. He is not cheating

He's stressed with work not getting home till 8! The sex issue. Trying to make time to keep up with his mates and you.

For an example my dad died a month after I got married, interest rates on the subsidised part of out mortgage was 8%, the rest 15%. So I stopped socialising and lost touch with a lot money my mates (this was 30 years ago so no mobile no sm) what I am trying to day is he's just trying to keep things going at the moment and am is taking a back seat

Original poster
PicturePop · 01/07/2023 17:19

25!… but it’s not just all about the social media. Just that on top of the other things concerns me, and how defensive he gets about it

OP posts:
Original poster
PicturePop · 01/07/2023 19:00

Just a bad feeling

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 01/07/2023 21:54

PicturePop · 01/07/2023 15:25

It’s not just about that though, it’s the fact he’s actively not doing it and then moaning at me everytime I bring it up

If I was mega stressed with work, a bit stuck in a rut, taking longer to reach orgasm in bed (which is normal in men as they age) or sometimes not even reaching orgasm (which can be normal when people are stressed) and the person closest to me kept wittering on about social media of all bloody things, and then KEPT wittering on then I'd moan about it. My reaction would be because I've got enough on my plate and need a bit of support and understanding from my OH, who is being shallow, superficial and self absorbed, not because I'm having an affair.

adviceneeded1990 · 01/07/2023 22:00

Sounds more like a stress reaction than cheating, especially the sex stuff.

Robyn847 · 01/07/2023 22:05

Poor chap. He is stressed and mad busy. You saying that you can't trust him (with no basis other than your anxiety) is what's getting him angry and narked. If you don't address your anxiety it'll become the wedge that starts to destroy your marriage.

FindingTheFox · 01/07/2023 22:05

No one can know but nothing you've said would give me the idea that he is.