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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ridiculous to think he’s cheating?

59 replies

PicturePop · 01/07/2023 12:43

I do have a tendency to overthink things and I have really low self esteem so I could absolutely be clutching at straws here.

My boyfriend is a really busy man. If he’s not at work, he’s with friends, committing to his sport or with me. We don’t get a huge amount of time to do nothing.

He’s recently changed his role at work which he hates; it’s really getting him down. He’s been coming home at 8pm some nights. This has worried me but he has explained why, and he will sometimes leave me voice notes ranting about it during the day.

He also doesn’t post me anymore. He’s never been a huge social media poster but he last posted me in march. We went on a holiday at the beginning of May and he mentioned he loved the pictures and will post some. He hasn’t. I mentioned this as a passing comment the other day and he got annoyed, telling me to “stop bringing it up”. It worries me that he doesn’t want someone to see…

Also, when we have sex he is either not finishing or taking ages to finish. This has happened with him sometimes before, but it just seems more common now.

I just can’t put my finger on it, although I am a hugely anxious person and my gut feeling has been hugely wrong in the past. He gets really upset if he feels I don’t trust him and he says I need to be understanding of how busy he is.

Am I being ridiculous? Outside of all this he’s very loving and encouraging, and makes a huge effort to spend time with me. We don’t really look at each others phones but from glances, I’ve never seen anything suspicious.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 01/07/2023 22:18

Sounds like he is busy and super stressed. Leaving you notes ranting about work isn’t normal

Emmamoo89 · 01/07/2023 22:22

Yabu

PurplePear7 · 01/07/2023 22:24

Have you posted about this before..?

DinaofCloud9 · 01/07/2023 22:24

End it then if you aren't happy.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/07/2023 23:30

PurplePear7 · 01/07/2023 22:24

Have you posted about this before..?

That was my thought. Similar enough to the recent OP who expected compliments from her partner constantly

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 07:34

I think, the real problem is, he’s not reassuring you. How hard would it be to just pop a post up of you every now and again? He shouldn’t want you to feel anxious or worried. On the surface of what you’ve said, it doesn’t scream cheating, but I’m the same as you, my gut has been off in the past because sometimes I can’t tell the difference between that and my anxiety! So I get it. Explain this to him. Tell him it’s not that you don’t trust him, you know he’s busy, but could he please just give you some reassurance to settle your anxiety. If he loves you he should absolutely do that for you!

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 07:34

DinaofCloud9 · 01/07/2023 22:24

End it then if you aren't happy.

Or she could chat to him like an adult and try and resolve it…

ABugWife · 02/07/2023 12:12

It sounds more like stress than cheating to me.

Can you post the photos on your social media and tag him in them? If he is fine about it then he was just too busy to do it himself, if he kicks off then he was trying to hide something.

Jongleterre · 02/07/2023 12:17

He sounds stressed and you will be adding to it by nit picking at him.

Original poster
PicturePop · 02/07/2023 17:13

Thank you all, we had a nice chat lastnight and he said he’s been feeling a bit tired and never gets time to wind down. He was really calm and understanding; he said he “wants to post pictures but never get a spare minute” and that it’s nothing to do with me. I soooo hope that’s true

OP posts:
YeahIsaidit · 02/07/2023 17:20

I'm glad you were able to have a chat and get some reassurance. I am still a bit flabbergasted that you yet again brought up him posting you on sm and are placing so much importance on that

greyhairnomore · 02/07/2023 17:24

PicturePop · 01/07/2023 15:25

It’s not just about that though, it’s the fact he’s actively not doing it and then moaning at me everytime I bring it up

Ridiculous thing to get worked up about

Original poster
PicturePop · 02/07/2023 17:26

I didn’t bring it up, he did to explain himself. It did make me feel more at ease and he was really nice and calm

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/07/2023 17:41

You do know this is crazy behaviour by you, don't you? He is stressed with work and you are nagging him about stupid, irrelevant online photos. It's childish and you really need to get a grip if you require online validation of your relationship.

I couldn't date someone with this type of attitude towards social media for longer than 5 minutes. It's really childish & annoying.

YeahIsaidit · 02/07/2023 17:51

PicturePop · 02/07/2023 17:26

I didn’t bring it up, he did to explain himself. It did make me feel more at ease and he was really nice and calm

OK fair enough but that alone shows that you must nag him about it quite a bit which is really unreasonable and childish. It's more fitting for a 14 year old wanting to show off their bf to their mates or whatever, not a grown woman.

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 18:40

YeahIsaidit · 02/07/2023 17:20

I'm glad you were able to have a chat and get some reassurance. I am still a bit flabbergasted that you yet again brought up him posting you on sm and are placing so much importance on that

It is important. It’s important to her. And when you’re with someone if you’re active on social media you should want to show them off. I personally think it’s a red flag if someone doesn’t do this.

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 18:41

PicturePop · 02/07/2023 17:26

I didn’t bring it up, he did to explain himself. It did make me feel more at ease and he was really nice and calm

That’s great. Don’t let people say there’s something wrong with you for wanting reassurance. There’s nothing wrong with it. I would stop reading the replies on here now and just accept what he’s said and move on 😊

airmaxJ · 02/07/2023 18:43

Tell him your not feeling important to him and that if you so you'll be reassured, did he post pictures yet ?

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 18:45

He sounds stressed to me.

If you're not a social media poster, it can feel like a lot of effort to post things (particularly as it sounds like you might overanalyse what he's chosen to put up), so I can understand why that feels like another thing he doesn't need right now.

You've said he's loving and encouraging, that sounds great.

That said, if you don't trust him, then you might be better to just end it and be done. And find someone who is more compatible with your expectations.

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 18:46

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 18:40

It is important. It’s important to her. And when you’re with someone if you’re active on social media you should want to show them off. I personally think it’s a red flag if someone doesn’t do this.

Show quote history

OP says he's not a big social media poster though.

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 20:07

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 18:46

OP says he's not a big social media poster though.

Show quote history

But he’s an active one. He’s on there. Honestly if posting pictures makes your OH happy it’s not a hard thing to do.

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 20:24

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 20:07

But he’s an active one. He’s on there. Honestly if posting pictures makes your OH happy it’s not a hard thing to do.

Show quote history

I'm also on social media but very rarely post. It is quite a big deal posting if you don't do it all the time. If my OH told me I had to post pictures of him to make him happy, I would "politely" tell him I would post what I wanted.

And if I posted on MN that DH told me I had to post pictures of him on my social media, how long would it be before I got a LTB?

theGooHasGone · 02/07/2023 20:29

PicturePop · 01/07/2023 15:25

It’s not just about that though, it’s the fact he’s actively not doing it and then moaning at me everytime I bring it up

If he wanted to do it he would. He's getting annoyed because he's busy, stressed and you're nagging him about something he sees as utterly inconsequential.

FuckOffTom · 02/07/2023 20:31

I genuinely can’t think of anything worse than posting on social media. I much prefer to stay private and if I was with someone who
sulked with me over that, I’d probably end it to be honest. I know everyone’s different but I hate being “online” in that way!

FuckOffTom · 02/07/2023 20:34

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 18:40

It is important. It’s important to her. And when you’re with someone if you’re active on social media you should want to show them off. I personally think it’s a red flag if someone doesn’t do this.

Show quote history

I would see it as a red flag if someone insisted I did this.

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