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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not speaking

38 replies

anonymous322 · 01/07/2023 10:39

(Apart from the obvious LTB. Which I know and making plans for)

How can I deal with him. He stopped talking to me 2 weeks ago. Nothing major at all happened he has these mood swings a lot, he’s very much like his mother they both are the same. Over past 2 weeks I’ve had my daughters party which he didn’t turn up for and I had to drag my 3 kids on my own to the venue and put up balloons etc whilst they cried, it was so stressful. He turned up at the end and my friend mentioned he looked really out of it (no drugs at all he’s never taken them but he seemed drunk). When I was sitting with parents (child started reception so hardly know them) he sat with us with crying red eyes! So embarrassing. I got my BIL to take him over to my other BIL.

my daughter had her sports day and again he didn’t turn up but just as we were leaving he turned up. He started walking away and I called him and he sat in the car but he was breathing really loudly and told me he’s not sitting in the car with me and walked off.

over Xmas when visiting my parents he tried “running away” a few times, my sister reminded me he did the same thing of trying to get in the car and running away when my daughter was born 8 years ago, I ordered papa johns pizza and he kept saying “these bastsreds have probably never had pappardelle johns in their lives”.

its not just my family he’s like this whether they are there or not,

I hate him, this morning I tried to be civil and he just started again. Advice please.

my sons graduation from nursery is coming up and a few more events. Shall I just not tell him or tell him and risk him embarrassing me.

OP posts:
Diddykong · 01/07/2023 10:42

I wouldn't tell him about any of the events. If he wants to he can ask for communications from the school/nursery and I would stop involving him in any plans until you can leave. He sounds unhinged though, has he has any mental health assessment?

Whataretheodds · 01/07/2023 10:42

Stop trying to engage with him.

W0tnow · 01/07/2023 10:42

Well, you’re leaving him so that’s good. It sounds like a poisonous atmosphere, especially for your children.

dealing with it? I don’t know. What else can you do except try to keep it together until you go?

Can you leave him now and stay with family for a bit?

Bimblesalong · 01/07/2023 10:44

Echoing has he had a mental health/ physical health assessment.
Glad you’re leaving.

Original poster
anonymous322 · 01/07/2023 10:46

Sorry there’s lots more to add:

  1. he doesn’t have sex with me he’s got ED. He’s had it since his 20’s. He said it’s stress

  2. I found emails about 2 years ago which have been going on for ages about his giving money to strangers online: here’s my post from that time: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4288117-Not-sure-how-to-react

3). He doesn’t talk to me. His mother created do many issues and so did his sisters but he’s never once stood up to the .

  1. makes me feel invisible. I suffered childhood neglect and trauma which he knows about and his words to me quite often are “no one wants you, including me”

Not sure how to react | Mumsnet

Found something on husbands phone last night - we were out for dinner and I used his phone for the scan and order service. Not sure how to deal with o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4288117-Not-sure-how-to-react

OP posts:
pinklama · 01/07/2023 10:48

How can I deal with him.

By matching him and stop trying. Don't engage, don't make small talk, big talk, tell him about family events. If he wants to run away let him, it may help your cause in the divorce. It is a lost cause, he has to make the effort to be a part of family life. If he doesn't, that is his call. Just focus on yourself and the kids and moving on.

Babsexxx · 01/07/2023 10:48

Right well first things first he’s clearly got some sort of substance abuse problem….is he bipolar? Substance abuse can go hand in hand with this disorder, I’m not saying all do! Btw I would leave this shit show it might force him to do something his behaviour isn’t remotely normal.

Gymmum82 · 01/07/2023 10:51

He sounds extremely mentally unwell.
I would ignore him. Don’t invite him to anything. Events/birthdays etc. Don’t give him the opportunity to ruin anything. Let him run away. Sounds like life would be easier if he did.
Make leaving a priority and document everything. He doesn’t sound safe to be around the children unsupervised particularly if he is drinking and driving

Original poster
anonymous322 · 01/07/2023 10:53

@pinklama my parents live in the middle of no where so him running away with my only mode of transport was out of the question so I had to chase after him
and stop him. There’s no trains nearby and would have cost a lot for train tickets if they drive me to nearest station. But I get what you’re saying some things I should just leave him to it rather than trying to stop him,

he used to do this a lot on Saturdays just run off in the car but I didn’t chase him then as I was home with the kids

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 01/07/2023 10:59

Glad you are making plans to leave. As others have said, stop engaging.

GabriellaMontez · 01/07/2023 10:59

Focus on your plans to leave.

Ignore him. Don't involve yourself with him. Don't count on him.

rainbowstardrops · 01/07/2023 11:03

Just focus on your plans to leave and try to ignore him.
His behaviour in your previous thread that you linked to, is awful!

SoWhatEh · 01/07/2023 11:06

Honestly I would fully disengage. Go about your business as if you were a single mum. Don't inform him of events he might turn up to at the end to disrupt. Don't let him distress the children again.

He sounds as if he is severely depressed or has some other severe mental health problem. Which is tragic for him, but your children's happiness and security are the priority.

If he says mean things to you, blank them and have a mantra in your head to cancel their power, e.g 'More valueless words from a madman. I'm fine, sane and strong.'

TimesRwo · 01/07/2023 11:12

Agree with others - disengage and just carry on with your life. Don’t tell him about events. If he misses them, then it’s on him.

He throws this tantrum and you understandably pander to him for the easier life. But in reality, it encourages him to act this way because he knows he can with no consequences.

Popetthetreehugger · 01/07/2023 11:19

Do you drive ? If so then keep tight hold of the keys , if he wants to run off , let him .

Clarinet1 · 01/07/2023 11:22

Sounds awful and you are right to LTB. However I can’t help wondering, if he has ED and the two of you don’t have sex, where did the three DC come from?

Pamspeople · 01/07/2023 11:35

What's your plan for leaving him, OP?

trulyunruly01 · 01/07/2023 11:39

It doesn't actually matter what he thinks of you as his is not a valid opinion due to the very obvious mental health issues at play here. To me, you sound like a responsible, caring, loving parent.
I think if you are unable to physically leave at this time (why?) then you have to separate within the house. Let him look after himself, you concentrate on you and the children, display invites to school/nursery events somewhere he can see them and go no further in trying to involve him. Can you stretch to a small car of your own? Then he can come and go and run away as he pleases. It's summer and there is scope for lots of outdoors activities, picnics etc so it may be easier to keep you and the children disengaged from him after school and at weekends.
Soon it will be the long summer break and it seems to me that it would be a good time then to really accelerate the full separation.

ithinkifeelaliveagain · 01/07/2023 11:41

My ex used to do similar, if I annoyed him he would just stop talking/engaging with me for weeks at at time. Once he eventually began to engage he would say it was my fault for upsetting him and expect me to apologise. I’ve since learned it’s a classic It’s a control method though so don’t even try to win him back round. Just calmly get in with your life and LTB asap, especially after seeing your other post! You will be miserable with this man for the rest of your life if you don’t leave.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/07/2023 11:42

@Pamspeople - she's hardly going to broadcast her plan to leave him on the internet is she?

GrumpyPanda · 01/07/2023 11:53

anonymous322 · 01/07/2023 10:53

@pinklama my parents live in the middle of no where so him running away with my only mode of transport was out of the question so I had to chase after him
and stop him. There’s no trains nearby and would have cost a lot for train tickets if they drive me to nearest station. But I get what you’re saying some things I should just leave him to it rather than trying to stop him,

he used to do this a lot on Saturdays just run off in the car but I didn’t chase him then as I was home with the kids

Who is the car registered to? If him, you'll need to replace it anyway once you ltb, so maybe make that a priority now, especially if it means searching around for a cheap older model.

BadLad · 01/07/2023 12:01

Are the children also his? You describe them as “my daughter” etc, and what, with his ED etc.

But anyway, there’s certainly nothing worth staying for.

Pamspeople · 01/07/2023 12:08

LookItsMeAgain · 01/07/2023 11:42

@Pamspeople - she's hardly going to broadcast her plan to leave him on the internet is she?

I guess I meant timescale etc, how long is she planning to live like this.

NeedToChangeName · 01/07/2023 12:13

You relationship is over, I think

Start planning for your new life

Don't bother telling him about events, if he'll turn up drunk / spoil it

TheCatterall · 01/07/2023 12:47

@anonymous322 can you keep the car keys on your person or hidden at all times? Or does he need them for work?

I do wonder if he’s just an abusive dickhead or if he’s having some form of psychosis?

I’d start living your life separately now. Don’t invite him or tell him about events. Go about your daily life as if he doesn’t exist and he’s just a ghost in the house.

It sounds awful to be living in and I hope you get out soon. x