To tell sister her parenting is alienating others

[OnionsAndLemons]

I think my sisters parenting is so extra, that whilst I believe your children should be your top priority, I think her reactions to thinks are out of proportion.

Example: we both think our children should not have to kiss/hug anyone they don’t want to. So I said to her 2 year old after a family meal out, ‘cuddle goodbye?’ Her 2 year old just stood there so I said ‘no?, Ok’ and stood up. My sister pipes in, talking to her daughter ‘we can say no auntie Kate can’t we, tell auntie Kate we can say no’. I was so embarrassed as it was in front of everyone, I said I was not pressuring for a hug. She said oh I know we’re just teaching her she can say no. I agree with the concept but she’d have learnt from the interaction with me alone she can say no.

My mum was doing my sisters 2 year olds nappy. She initially wouldn’t lie down for it and when she did my mum said ‘oh well done, good girl’ or similar. My sister said mum was overdoing it with the praise and asked her to tone it down as girls are taught to be obedient and she doesn’t want that. (Note: my mum treats my son exactly the same, lots of praise when he does as asked). She does this sort of thing with my mum a lot and my mum is feeling constantly criticised and untrusted. My sister told my about the nappy thing, expecting me to agree but I told her you can’t micromanage every interaction.

I have an isofix car seat for my son in my car and bought a cheaper one (but new and from a reputable place) for my mums car for occasional use. My son is the same age as my niece so they both fit in it. However my sister has told my mum her daughter is not to use it as it’s cheap and doesn’t rear face. She doesn’t feel it’s safe. But hasn’t bought one herself. Didn’t share cost with me when I suggested we buy one together they can both use. Has never learnt to remove her own car seat to put in my mums car.

These are a few example but I could go on. Next time she says something similar to me or tell me about something to do with my mum I feel like it’s all going to spill out.

Sorry, rear facing is recommended and safest so I'm with sister on that

So what about, on the same post, the example of the mum then texting to say poo was a bit green and the sister said she didn't need to know every detail. Which is it then? Text with details or don't text.

It's like posters pick and choose what to criticise OP for and ignore the rest.

I wouldn't tell her, no.

You’re delusional. It starts from the beginning. The most crucial age of brain development is 0-5. If a parent is not enforcing that “no” is totally appropriate, and that we don’t have to people please others, especially grown ass adults, from an early age then I can imagine the parent won’t implement it when they’re older, either.

A child isn’t going to always refuse a hug/kiss/whatever. But if you teach kids from an early age that when they don’t want to - no is ok, and you don’t have to spare a bloody aunt or uncles feelings, then you’re setting the standard early.

I think she sounds over the top and actually, this could be the flip side of those threads that pop up saying "my mum prefers looking after my sister's children"
Or
"Why does nobody offer to help with my children?"
You're right, people will stop interacting with her children who could end up being a bit of a pain to settle into school.
However, I would back off from interactions, don't offer the toddler a hug just wait for her to come to you but don't speak to her directly because it could well backfire and leave you as the bad guy here.

She sounds annoying, but it’s for your mum to confront her if she chooses to.

It's like some posters ignore whatever they want. I clearly said.....

Some of the examples paint her as a knobhead

Which means I clearly wasn't ignoring the rest 🤯

@OnionsAndLemons i think an issue here is your mum not standing up for herself to your sister. Is sister normally the golden child that folks pander to?

@rainbowstardrops Legs are not an issue when rear facing. Children’s bones don’t fuse properly until age 6; they’re connected by cartilage, not ossified bone.

If there is a crash when forward facing, this can cause the cartilage to stretch and rupture the spinal column, resulting in paralysis or death.

It’s 5 times safer to rear face than forward face - only 8% of crashes rear facing result in severe injury, compared to 40% forward facing. The longer you rear face, the better - ERF seats will allow your little one to rear face until age 6/7.

Unfortunately this information isn’t quite out in the mainstream yet and our car seat laws are woefully inadequate and not backed by science, which is why most parents still forward face.

What is legal is not what is safest.

Not really. You said the example of the text about vomiting is a bad one but you either ignored or failed to notice that the point OP was making was that the sister then changed her tune when she got a text about another detail like she insisted. So it isn't a bad example because it clearly shows that the sis is hardwork and nothing the mum does would escape criticism.

She sounds okay to me. She has her own parenting style. It may annoy you, but it's her choice, isn't it?

Lol

The car seat is fine. I also don't let other people drive my kid. It's never been a problem, and I'd pay for extra childcare rather than be pressured into putting my child in an unsafe car seat.

The obedient comment is ridiculous, as is making a scene over the hug. I'd just say quietly to my daughter "no problem just say no thank you".

Not if you get what she means it isn’t.

it feels as though OP is reaching for anything with which to criticise ds. Given that she is a dm too I wonder if she thinks she is doing any better.

if this is about concern for ds why not take her aside and have a quiet word with her.

I didnt ignore or fail to notice it, it was rolled up in the fact that I said some of the examples paint her as a knobhead. Do you just come on here to pick apart what people have said and get into boring tit for tat?

Do you just come on here to pick apart what people have said and get into boring tit for tat?

Ah, yes yes act all defensive and start the nasty comments instead of admiting that you ignored an important point in a post you picked apart and criticised inaccurately.

Clearly, it's not about you saying 'some of the examples', as I've already clarified... but okay. There's no need to repeat myself.

No tit for tat here though, just disagreeing with you (like you've done with the OP) but you're now making it seem bigger than it is with that comment. I agree, it's boring trying to continue with this.

Hi, OP —-

In your first example, you and your DN handled the ‘no hugs’ well between you. Why was reinforcement required? Perhaps a quiet ‘you did that well, Niece!’ at most. But that would be praise, and we aren’t supposed to praise little girls, so maybe not.

The other examples are simply ridiculous, except that a rear facing car seat really is required.

Your sister has massive PFB syndrome and sounds tight to boot. I hope your mum can start laying down some ground rules, and you can develop a thicker skin

Fair enough if she wanted the child to vocalise a "no", but "tell Auntie Kate no" is very different from "tell Auntie Kate we can say no"... It's a subtle difference but I bet anyone would be annoyed at being on the receiving end of the latter publicly! Even (actually, especially) those claiming they wouldn't

Genuinely curious..how are we meant to reward and reinforce positive behaviour in our DDs if not through praise?
I don't understand how, if these cousins grow up with the boy constantly being told he is a good boy, with the girls good behaviour being met by silence, its going to do anything positive for her?

Tut Tut...

Do you usually play the victim and become irate, throwing out scathing comments once someone disagrees with you or is it only when you're online? I think I know the answer. Sleep well 😴

That would be a weird way to do it indeed... If you're going for the whole without praise theory, then you'd either use praise that's more directed and describes the behaviour (that was so helpful) rather than the person (good girl/boy)

You can also use generic but gender neutral (good job/well done)

Or some people think you shouldn't praise because it's still a judgement of behaviour and instead you point out their own achievement etc (I saw you did that all by yourself)

Or just say it's a load of bollocks and saying good boy/girl is fine.

But whatever you do it doesn't make sense to have one approach for boy children and another for girls!

Re car seats, rather than just taking our word for it, you can read up about why rear facing seats are better here:
https://rearfacingtoddlers.com/

You could then forward your sis the site, saying you've realised she's right about this and the two of you can choose and buy one together from that site for your Mum to use. Gives her max opportunity to be sensible and chip in.

I agree with all of the points your sister has made. And you are a fool for not rearfacing your child - do you seriously think your son is less likely to die / be injured in an accident in your Mum’s car vs your own?

She sounds hard work, yes, but I don't think you should tell her she's alienating others. Let her work that out herself or you will just come across as critical and unsupportive. She has every right to parent in the way she sees fit and you should respect that or maybe see less of her if it is hard to swallow. As for your mum, she should assert herself if she wants to use the car when caring for your niece and ask your sister to get a car seat she is happy with.

My mum used to continually critique my sister's parenting. I found it uncomfortable as the sister, let alone what my poor sister .just have felt. Any attempts by me to offer an alternate view were dismissed by my mother. I got the same treatment but to a lesser extent when I had kids (generally got on with our mother better than my sister did) - it was less direct too and mostly reported to me by others. Annoying but I did my best to ignore it as I didn't agree with her criticisms.

Try to be more chilled out about it all.