To tell sister her parenting is alienating others

[OnionsAndLemons]

I think my sisters parenting is so extra, that whilst I believe your children should be your top priority, I think her reactions to thinks are out of proportion.

Example: we both think our children should not have to kiss/hug anyone they don’t want to. So I said to her 2 year old after a family meal out, ‘cuddle goodbye?’ Her 2 year old just stood there so I said ‘no?, Ok’ and stood up. My sister pipes in, talking to her daughter ‘we can say no auntie Kate can’t we, tell auntie Kate we can say no’. I was so embarrassed as it was in front of everyone, I said I was not pressuring for a hug. She said oh I know we’re just teaching her she can say no. I agree with the concept but she’d have learnt from the interaction with me alone she can say no.

My mum was doing my sisters 2 year olds nappy. She initially wouldn’t lie down for it and when she did my mum said ‘oh well done, good girl’ or similar. My sister said mum was overdoing it with the praise and asked her to tone it down as girls are taught to be obedient and she doesn’t want that. (Note: my mum treats my son exactly the same, lots of praise when he does as asked). She does this sort of thing with my mum a lot and my mum is feeling constantly criticised and untrusted. My sister told my about the nappy thing, expecting me to agree but I told her you can’t micromanage every interaction.

I have an isofix car seat for my son in my car and bought a cheaper one (but new and from a reputable place) for my mums car for occasional use. My son is the same age as my niece so they both fit in it. However my sister has told my mum her daughter is not to use it as it’s cheap and doesn’t rear face. She doesn’t feel it’s safe. But hasn’t bought one herself. Didn’t share cost with me when I suggested we buy one together they can both use. Has never learnt to remove her own car seat to put in my mums car.

These are a few example but I could go on. Next time she says something similar to me or tell me about something to do with my mum I feel like it’s all going to spill out.

I’ve not seen in the OP that the sister has disputed that? She just said she didn’t want her to use it and hasn’t bought an alternative. I didn’t see that she has demanded her mum buy one?

She sounds insufferably tedious and up her own arse, yes.

Well she’s right. If you’re not rear facing your child then you aren’t putting their safety first.

Crashes still happen even on short and infrequent journeys in grandparents’ cars they hardly go in.

She sounds a bit performative and over the top with the "tell Aunt Kate we can say no" and the nappy lectures.

The car seat issue she's not unreasonable. It doesn't sound like she's expecting other people to buy a car seat, she's just decided that she doesn't want to use a specific car seat. I'd agree with her fwiw. Basic car seat standards are quite low and I'd not expect to be criticised for choosing to have one that's higher tested.

None of that's a big deal though is it? Your mum just needs to not take it personally, and insist your sister buys a car seat or agrees to forward facing in emergency.

A relative in our family was like this. It went away after about 2 years, when her second was born 😂

But we handled it by spending less time with them and laughing at them behind their backs. Not nice obviously. But poor old grandma gave up her time to help and was told off for letting a 6 month old watch a bit of tv at the wrong time day, for example. You do bring it on yourself.

Then she needs to provide a seat or accept that her mum won't take her DD places or will say no to babysitting on days when she needs to drive somewhere.

If she wants her child rear faced that's fine. She just has to accept that until she buys a rear facing car seat their child can't go in their mums car.

It's the sister herself that brought up the nappy issue expecting OP to agree with her.

Your mum is being ridiculously over sensitive. She doesn’t have to agree with your sister’s approach of avoiding “good girl” messages, but it’s not a personal criticism. Neither of you get it, with your defence that she does the same to your son, that’s not the point. The girl isn’t going to lie there at nappy change thinking, “boys are praised for compliance too” - it’s just going to be another message about being a good girl, and though your mum’s praise for compliant behaviour is spread equally, society’s isn’t. Your sister is trying to redress that. Is she OTT? Maybe. But is it personal against your mum? No.

So what car seat is she going in, when with your mum?

Not allowing front facing is a valid choice. You were quick enough to say yours wasn’t second hand and was from a reputable place. So it’s OK for you to think safety is OK, but not her? 🧐

Your sister sounds like an over thinker- but she’s not wrong in principle about how girls are socialised, or the safety of a car seat.

None of these 3 incidences strike me as particularly OTT

She’s clearly cares about her daughter, but is a first time parent, so won’t always hit the mark spot on despite having the best of intentions.

The comments about praising for nappy changing were laboured, but I can see what she means about girls being raised to be obedient.

The comments after the hug were just reinforcing to your daughter it was ok to say no. For her to be saying this, it shows it’s important to her that her daughter knows this.

If the comments she made were about the importance or saying please or thankyou, you probably wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow.

Car seat issue is between her and your mum to sort out. It’s her decision what car seat her daughter uses.

I’m not saying she should use the car seat (and actually will now be looking at getting another one for my mums car, I assumed if it was new and from a car seat company, it would be safe). What I’m saying is she has provided no alternative, did not take me up on the offer to share cost, and says she doesn’t know how to remove her own car seat to put in my mums car.

I was embarrassed because no one was paying attention to me offering a cuddle, they would have all seen my sister telling her daughter to tell me no. Equally her step-son (9yr) sits on my families laps whether they want him to or not. She doesn’t say anything.

My niece recently vomited at my mums house, it wasn’t a lot, was straight after having a bit of a cough while eating and she was her normal self after. So my mum didn’t tell my sister until pick up. My sister said my mum should have text her. My sister spoke to me about it, that’s she just wants communication and I said maybe she’s feeling a bit criticised. Both sister and her husband said they don’t care if they want a text they should get one. So my mum texts a few days later that notices poop was a bit green. Sister said she doesn’t need to know every little thing.

She's just trying to communicate her views as a parent. You realise that she entitled to think differently to you?
My sister is a bit like you actually, thinks her parenting is superior to mine and laughs behind my back. It's really impacted our relationship. I've never criticised her parenting, we all do it differently and that's fine as long as it's safe. I don't see why it's such a big issue for you.

“What I’m saying is she has provided no alternative, did not take me up on the offer to share cost, and says she doesn’t know how to remove her own car seat to put in my mums car.”

You still haven’t said what she’s actually doing about the car seat? Does she expect your mum to buy a rear facing one?

“Equally her step-son (9yr) sits on my families laps whether they want him to or not. She doesn’t say anything. “

Stepson. So what conversation have you and your family had with his father about telling his son to check first before climbing on laps?

@Testina my mum can’t drive anywhere, she’s expected to stay local or take the bus

You don’t like her much, do you?

stop getting involved, let her and your mum sort it out.

Karma will bite her in the bum when dd doesn’t do as she’s told, because there is no reason to behave if she doesn’t get positive reinforcement like praise etc.

Your mum needs to grow a back one and say no. She either provides a car seat or your mum isn't taking her daughter out or doesn't babysit on days she has plans.

Moaning about it is pointless if no action is ever taken.

@Testina It’s not really for me to bring up. step son doesn’t do it to me as we don’t see him often, other family tell me about it.

Your poor mum! Why is she still providing childcare?

Your sister is allowed to raise her dc how she likes op. Your Mum doesn’t have to continue helping if she disagrees. It’s normal to want your child to be safe. Saying no is part of that.

My first thought when I read that too. She's not responsible for her stepchild

@Brightbear i actually do like my sister very much but I’m just very frustrated

I don't think it is about growing a backbone. It sounds like mum wants to be spending time c with them. I agree though she should be saying she needs a car seat provided. Not sure how the bus is any safer!