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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex is getting angry at My suggestions

54 replies

Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 06:17

So im currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby, the father is my ex who I split with in April of 2022 but we continued to meet up on a casual basis for the next 7 months or so until I found out I was pregnant. He hasn't been involved during the pregnancy as continues to say he doesn't even know whether it's his or not so I've said he can do a dna test if he so wishes. He's been dating this girl I believe for the last few months although he says it's none of my business. I've said im not comfortable with her being around my baby until they've been in a longterm secure relationship. He has flipped out calling me all sorts and says I can't control this. Do anyone of you have any advice on what you would do in this situation?? The only advice I've seen online are for kids that are older and not newborn/babies.

OP posts:

Loverofoxbowlakes · 01/07/2023 06:28

If he is the dad, and he does step up once the baby is born then there is literally nothing you can do to stop him introducing her to your baby once born. Unless she is a massive safety risk it really is out of your control who he introduces the baby to. Sorry that's not what you wanted to hear.

MintJulia · 01/07/2023 06:29

If your ex is on the birth certificate than he has equal Parental Responsibility to you and so when he has his child on his time, it will be up to him who he introduces.
As a dad to a new born he will be expected to build a relationship with his child and some childcare skills before being entitled to take the child out alone for an hour or two.

So there are two things you can do to retain a little control while your baby is very small. Don't put your ex on the birth certificate. He can of course go to court, have a dna test, prove paternity and be added later but it will buy you a few months to ensure your child is safe.

If you breast feed your child it would be unreasonable to separate the two of you for longer than the interval between feeds, for the first three months.
But beyond that, if your ex has PR he is free to involve his new girlfriend on his time if he wishes.

Reugny · 01/07/2023 06:31

Stop contact with him now and inform your midwife that you are no longer with the father.

Sort out another person to be your birthing partner

Tell the hospital/maternity unit that you don't want him as a visit.

A few days after giving birth tell him you have by text. Make sure you have someone with you and don't let him in to visit until you are ready if at all.

You are basically a single parent so don't give the child just his last name when registering the birth.

If he does go to Court for contact and to be put on the birth certificate the Court won't be interested in giving him solo contact over night until after the child is one. Before then it will be little and often e.g. 30 to 45 minutes with you present at first.

PriOn1 · 01/07/2023 06:31

If you choose to co-parent with this man, you have to accept you have no control over what he does when he has your child.

Of course, he may not want to have a relationship with your child.

Hopefully others will be along to advise, but I think you have to decide whether you want him to be registered as the father or not. From the sound of it, if you don’t push it, he isn’t likely to step forward. But if you want him to step up, and he does, then you have to accept you have no control over how he does it.

Reugny · 01/07/2023 06:41

Oh and PPs are right it is none of your business who is around your child when the child is with him unless that person is a known danger to children.

In fact your child can even stay over at that person's house.

If you cause issues e.g. harass someone related to him, then you won't be told that is happening and the address of the person regardless of whether the person is a grandparent, partner of the father or family friend.

heldinadream · 01/07/2023 06:44

Well he's unlikely to have the baby on his own for some time - maybe nearly a year after baby is born. So it's not an issue yet.
Are you even putting him on the birth certificate? Questions like this are of much more immediate importance.

Reugny · 01/07/2023 06:46

Forgot to add it is expected if he is the father, wants to be added to the birth certificate at any time and takes steps to be added, he's added. The birth certificate is a legal record for your child as an individual not you.

So while you can not take him to register the birth so he doesn't have PR then, if he bothers to do it later then you will be advised to agree by your lawyer.

However to claim child maintenance from him via the CMS he doesn't have to be on the birth certificate.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 07:06

Sever all contact with him, don’t put him on the birth certificate, claim CMS as soon as you can.

His behaviour is going to annihilate you, you’re particularly vulnerable at the moment and the last thing you need is him trying to control you and your baby when it’s born.

Original poster

Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 07:07

He has said he doesn't want to be at the birth as we are no longer together and baby is taking my surname. I haven't made a decision about the BC yet as I thought we'd be able to make reasonable decisions together but he's making me doubt things after his serious lack of effort

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 01/07/2023 07:18

Don't judge the women, she might be the best thing that happens to your child if the father decides he wants contact.
Don't look at it as a negative look at it as extra support and to look after the baby.

She will never replace you, no women can but she's not the bad guy here.
It's him that's behaving poorly.

Tinythumbelina · 01/07/2023 07:24

Don't put him on the BC

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 07:29

Do not put him in the BC. Just don’t. Especially not in a misguided hope it’ll have an emotional effect. It’ll give him power you don’t want him to have.

You need to protect yourself and your baby. He needs to earn any kind of right to see this child, something he has so far failed to do spectacularly.

I’m surprised you’re even in contact with him.

Having him at the birth is a truly appalling idea, too. You need someone who can advocate for you and care for you. You will be at your most vulnerable.

Gettingfleeced · 01/07/2023 07:38

Do you want your DC to have a relationship with this man? What might that look like? (Eg. Shared custody, eow, once a week for an hour in a contact centre?)

Do you think he would be a steady and reliable person in your child's life, always prioritising your child's needs or that he would be unreliable and let you/DC down at the last minute?

If you want him in your child's life you have to accept he will introduce people to your child that you might not know or like. If not, cut ties now.

Search old threads on Mumsnet for "birth certificate" as there may be some issues you haven't considered relating to whether his name is on the birth certificate.

veryfluffyfluff · 01/07/2023 07:39

You can be uncomfortable with it but you can't stop it. Not unless you refuse him any contact.

Original poster

Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 07:45

Thanks for your replies.
Still in contact with him because I didn't want him to miss out and being his first child as well I stupidly thought (even though it wasn't planned) he would want to be involved but I think im just hurting myself or my expectations are too high.

I dont think badly of her as I don't know her (yes think it's a bit odd to start a relationship with guy with a baby on the way but that's my own personal belief) I guess I'm worried he is going to prioritise other bits in his life.

I was doing okay emotionally until the last week and now I can't stop crying that this is not how I thought pregnancy and having a baby would be like

OP posts:

UndercoverCop · 01/07/2023 07:50

I'm not sure it is that odd to start a relationship with a man with a baby on the way, you'd been separated for seven months at the point of conception, so nearly 16 months now?
He may well also have not told her about the ongoing physical relationship, maybe just that it was a one off or similar.

Either way your focus is on the wrong person.

Velvian · 01/07/2023 07:57

Honestly, I would cut contact for now. No question that the baby has your last name anything else would be madness. Continuing contact with this man is not sounding good for you at this stage of the pregnancy. He doesn't sound interested.

The last thing you would want is time away from your newborn with another couple playing mummies and daddies.

Do you have family support?

Ywudu · 01/07/2023 07:58

Do not put him on the birth certificate, just don't. You don't want to end up in a situation where you are applying for an emergency court order because he has taken the child and won't give it back.
I would stop contacting him, he just isn't that interested and no father is better than a useless one.

Cheetahmum · 01/07/2023 08:04

He has to come with you to register the birth if he wants to be on the birth certificate and given he's disputing being the father it doesn't sound like he'll do that anyway.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 08:04

I was doing okay emotionally until the last week and now I can't stop crying that this is not how I thought pregnancy and having a baby would be like

And this is why you need to cut him off. Stop trying to include him. He’s horrible. He doesn’t care about you or the baby. He denies it’s even his child.

Why are you doing it to yourself? Be honest about your reasoning - is it to try to win him back? Take him back from her? You feel you have a claim to him? Because you’re lonely? Worried about doing it alone?

Whatever it is, he’s only bringing negativity and pain. You do not need that.

Sever contact.
Do not invite him to your birth.
Do no put him on the birth certificate.
Claim CMS.

If he wants to be involved at any point, it’s on your terms and he needs to earn any right.

Daisydu · 01/07/2023 08:05

He’s right, you can’t control that. If he has the child on his own he can have who he likes around that baby.

Daisydu · 01/07/2023 08:09

Just seen your second post. I feel for you. I was left pregnant and the dad was in a new relationship within a month. He was involved though and was good to me to be fair. But as your ex is saying he isn’t sure if he’s the dad, I think no contact for now, wait for him to do a dna test. Also people suggesting don’t put him on birth certificate, if you know he’s the father then you shouldn’t not do that in my opinion.
but still, you can’t dictate who he has around the baby, so let that go.

electriclight · 01/07/2023 08:15

He probably thinks you got pregnant on purpose. Weird that neither of you used contraception when you were just casual, didn't want a baby and didn't even like each other very much.

He's single so he's allowed a new relationship. He's probably told her you did it on purpose and made you sound mad. You can't interfere with who he introduces the baby to on his time any more than he can control who you introduce the baby to on your time. You are trying to control him and make him behave as if he's in a relationship with you and care what you think.

I'd stop contacting him and plan to be a single parent. If he wants a relationship with the baby let him do all the running, and if he doesn't well that's great. Claim cs as soon as you can.

AuntMarch · 01/07/2023 08:16

I split from my child's father before I gave birth. I did put him on the birth certificate. He is the father, and as entitled to be a parent to our child as I am.

But in your situation OP, when he is questioning paternity, I absolutely wouldn't. I would agree to it later if he did a paternity test to satisfy his own doubts and then wanted to be added, but I wouldn't give him those rights until he's proven he actually wants to he a father.

If he isn't involved in the pregnancy you don't need to be having contact with him at present. I'd send him a photo of scan images or a summary of appointments perhaps so he can never claim you stopped him being involved, and answer any pregnancy related questions if he were to show interest, but no need for conversations otherwise.

But no, if he steps up as a parent, you cannot dictate who he has around when it is his time with the child. But he isn't going to be having overnights for a long time, it'll start with frequent but short visits, with you there.

Original poster

Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 08:18

I have good family support just not local. I'm almost 2 hours from either of my parents.

I am feeling pretty lonely and I'm working my backside off to prepare for the baby and working overtime etc.

He lost his father 2 years ago who wasn't around for majority of his childhood till he was in his teens and I didn't want history to repeat itself by him not being around which is maybe why I've kept wanting him to be involved

OP posts:

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