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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex is getting angry at My suggestions

54 replies

Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 06:17

So im currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby, the father is my ex who I split with in April of 2022 but we continued to meet up on a casual basis for the next 7 months or so until I found out I was pregnant. He hasn't been involved during the pregnancy as continues to say he doesn't even know whether it's his or not so I've said he can do a dna test if he so wishes. He's been dating this girl I believe for the last few months although he says it's none of my business. I've said im not comfortable with her being around my baby until they've been in a longterm secure relationship. He has flipped out calling me all sorts and says I can't control this. Do anyone of you have any advice on what you would do in this situation?? The only advice I've seen online are for kids that are older and not newborn/babies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 08:22

electriclight- I was on the coil when I got pregnant and I went through with the pregnancy because I had a previous termination the year before (he had lost his father a few days before i found out I was pregnant and didn't want the baby) and I mentally couldn't go through that again. I also continued seeing him as I still had feelings and he admitted he still did but didn't have the same kind of love for me as before.

OP posts:
BadgerFacedCoo · 01/07/2023 08:24

Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 07:45

Thanks for your replies.
Still in contact with him because I didn't want him to miss out and being his first child as well I stupidly thought (even though it wasn't planned) he would want to be involved but I think im just hurting myself or my expectations are too high.

I dont think badly of her as I don't know her (yes think it's a bit odd to start a relationship with guy with a baby on the way but that's my own personal belief) I guess I'm worried he is going to prioritise other bits in his life.

I was doing okay emotionally until the last week and now I can't stop crying that this is not how I thought pregnancy and having a baby would be like

But odd to have a baby with an ex but you keep your personal beliefs.

He's not even acknowledging he's the father- wanting DNA tests etc. You really need to start being realistic here. You've tied yourself to this man for life with non of the benefits of a relationship. You can't choose his partners.

Strictly1 · 01/07/2023 08:24

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 07:06

Sever all contact with him, don’t put him on the birth certificate, claim CMS as soon as you can.

His behaviour is going to annihilate you, you’re particularly vulnerable at the moment and the last thing you need is him trying to control you and your baby when it’s born.

Don’t give him any rights but take his money. No wonder society is at it is!

Would you be happy for him to dictate who you see? Do you have any real concerns about her other than it doesn’t suit?

Please think carefully about what you really want. I work with children and watch how parents are so busy fighting they lose sight of the feelings of the children they say they are fighting for. It’s not about you but what’s right for the child you two have created. I’m sure he has done lots wrong too but you both need to put all of that aside and be the grown ups.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/07/2023 08:25

I don't think it's on you to call the shots of his relationship.

The baby is hardly going to be off with them both anyway when so little.
Are you going to be breastfeeding? Because if so the baby will either be clamped to you cluster feeding 24/7 or needing a feed every couple of hours.
If you do want to BF and your ex says it's not fair or what then tough shit. Your baby, your choice.

I can't imagine the new gf will want to play happy families just yet either.

ladykale · 01/07/2023 08:26

Reugny · 01/07/2023 06:31

Stop contact with him now and inform your midwife that you are no longer with the father.

Sort out another person to be your birthing partner

Tell the hospital/maternity unit that you don't want him as a visit.

A few days after giving birth tell him you have by text. Make sure you have someone with you and don't let him in to visit until you are ready if at all.

You are basically a single parent so don't give the child just his last name when registering the birth.

If he does go to Court for contact and to be put on the birth certificate the Court won't be interested in giving him solo contact over night until after the child is one. Before then it will be little and often e.g. 30 to 45 minutes with you present at first.

He isn't abusive though, what right does she have to deprive her child of their father?!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/07/2023 08:34

Look, you chose to continue your pregnancy with this man. This is how it is. The sooner you accept he doesn't care for you or the baby the easier all of this will become. Dont beg him for scraps, especially if he is with someone else. Raise your head high and crack on. Let him know when baby is born and get a claim in via CMS.
In answer to your question, once/if paternity is established and he has contact, he can introduce the baby to whoever he wants. You cannot demand to meet her first, she owes you nothing. She just needs to be kind to your child. That is all.

electriclight · 01/07/2023 09:25

After one unwanted pregnancy and a termination, I'm surprised there was a second unwanted pregnancy. He's an idiot for not using a condom.

What is he currently saying about his level of involvement, assuming he accepts the baby is his? If you are discussing his gf meeting the baby I assume he expects some level of contact?

Quitelikeit · 01/07/2023 09:32

Sadly you need to accept this is what happens when you have a child outwith a relationship

Your child will have half siblings and be doing and seeing things beyond your control

You are in control now but once she is born you won’t be if you allow contact

And unless you are going to be spiteful about it then there’s no reason why this child shouldn’t see their father

Surely you realised she’d have a step mother in the future?

missmollygreen · 01/07/2023 09:35

Reugny · 01/07/2023 06:31

Stop contact with him now and inform your midwife that you are no longer with the father.

Sort out another person to be your birthing partner

Tell the hospital/maternity unit that you don't want him as a visit.

A few days after giving birth tell him you have by text. Make sure you have someone with you and don't let him in to visit until you are ready if at all.

You are basically a single parent so don't give the child just his last name when registering the birth.

If he does go to Court for contact and to be put on the birth certificate the Court won't be interested in giving him solo contact over night until after the child is one. Before then it will be little and often e.g. 30 to 45 minutes with you present at first.

Weaponise the child early. classy

JudgeRudy · 01/07/2023 09:37

Loverofoxbowlakes · 01/07/2023 06:28

If he is the dad, and he does step up once the baby is born then there is literally nothing you can do to stop him introducing her to your baby once born. Unless she is a massive safety risk it really is out of your control who he introduces the baby to. Sorry that's not what you wanted to hear.

This

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 01/07/2023 09:38

I don't know what to suggest in terms of the BC. Can you even request CMS if you don't put him on the BC as PPs have suggested?

I think if this man is the child's father and he wants a relationship with the baby then you would be wrong to prevent that because you don't like the fact his girlfriend might be around. Really, if you accept he's the father and he wants a relationship with the child you also accept his time is his time.

If you get the impression he wants nothing to do with the child then by all means leave him off the BC but I'm not sure where that then leaves you in terms of what he would be responsible for financially.

RicherThanYews · 01/07/2023 09:40

I'm dumbfounded by the double standards on here. Other threads where a mother posts that she has children and a new boyfriend results in her head being ripped off for introducing the new boyfriend too soon and she is always advised to wait until the relationship is on solid ground before introducing the new boyfriend to the children. When a deadbeat dad does the same thing its perfectly OK and the mother should mind her own business? The op is being sensible, she just wants to be sure that the deadbeat dad is in a serious and committed relationship (when baby is born) before the child meets the new girlfriend. Only on fucking Mumsnet.

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 09:53

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Don't give the baby his name.

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 09:53

And for the love of God, sort out some contraception.

Conkersinautumn · 01/07/2023 09:58

A caring parent isn't going to introduce someone into their child's life who is more than likely temporarily around.

But you're both persisting with an informal dynamic when obviously there wasn't a future.

He's not attached, holding off emotionally probably until dna test so he has more investment in his current gf and he's right. Going forward you have no business about his private life. He might not be putting it kindly but if you do coparent you cannot be dictating these things. You need to keep your focus on your child.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/07/2023 10:00

RicherThanYews · 01/07/2023 09:40

I'm dumbfounded by the double standards on here. Other threads where a mother posts that she has children and a new boyfriend results in her head being ripped off for introducing the new boyfriend too soon and she is always advised to wait until the relationship is on solid ground before introducing the new boyfriend to the children. When a deadbeat dad does the same thing its perfectly OK and the mother should mind her own business? The op is being sensible, she just wants to be sure that the deadbeat dad is in a serious and committed relationship (when baby is born) before the child meets the new girlfriend. Only on fucking Mumsnet.

Why are you assuming he's a deadbeat dad? The baby hasn't even been born yet. He was no longer in a relationship with the OP when the baby was conceived. It's understandable that he's not exactly jumping for joy.

Starlightstarbright2 · 01/07/2023 10:01

so you aren’t due for 2 months - when baby is born contact will be with you for the first few months … so this is not a heat and now problem- if they last they will have been together over 6 months so not a short term relationship so put that on the back burner for now .

He sounds very disinterested in the baby for now - he isn’t interested in the pregnancy - leave him be for now . Let him come to you .

once baby is born let him know . The recommendation is little and often .he may: may not be interested- one thing I learnt the hard way you can’t make the ex be interested.

I wouldn’t rush to put him on the bc and despite what others think you can claim cms without him been on the bc . If he disputes paternity he can be made to do a dna test… which may resolve everything in his mind

focus on you for now .

safly you can’t determine whether or not he will be a good dad and that really hard to get over the idea it’s something you can control

PrueRamsay · 01/07/2023 10:02

Quite a lot to unpick here.

It sounds like you are still in love with him, I am very sorry, that must be hard.

Given his doubts about being the baby’s father, I agree with PPs that you should sever contact until you have the DNA results. Get these as soon as you can. If he is the baby’s father then yes, I think he should be on the birth certificate.

Moving forward (assuming he is the father) you will need to come to an agreement around contact and around child maintenance.

Unless any women he is involved with are a danger to your child, you have no grounds whatsoever to dictate who he spends time with when he has the baby.

Finally, don’t sleep with him again, and review your contraception before embarking on any new relationship.

RicherThanYews · 01/07/2023 10:08

@HundredMilesAnHour he told her to abort her first baby, he has had zero interest in this baby for the entire pregnancy and has called the OP a myriad of names whilst saying the baby isn't his. Rather than focusing on the baby who could be his, he is concentrating on a new girlfriend. Yeah, he sounds like the Mary Poppins of dad's doesn't he .

RicherThanYews · 01/07/2023 10:08

@HundredMilesAnHour he told her to abort her first baby, he has had zero interest in this baby for the entire pregnancy and has called the OP a myriad of names whilst saying the baby isn't his. Rather than focusing on the baby who could be his, he is concentrating on a new girlfriend. Yeah, he sounds like the Mary Poppins of dad's doesn't he .

bumblebee2235 · 01/07/2023 10:12

Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 07:45

Thanks for your replies.
Still in contact with him because I didn't want him to miss out and being his first child as well I stupidly thought (even though it wasn't planned) he would want to be involved but I think im just hurting myself or my expectations are too high.

I dont think badly of her as I don't know her (yes think it's a bit odd to start a relationship with guy with a baby on the way but that's my own personal belief) I guess I'm worried he is going to prioritise other bits in his life.

I was doing okay emotionally until the last week and now I can't stop crying that this is not how I thought pregnancy and having a baby would be like

If he is denying it's his at points... is his new GF even aware? I wouldn't touch someone with a barge pole whose ex is pregnant, I'd feel like a rebound!

electriclight · 01/07/2023 10:36

RicherThanYews · 01/07/2023 09:40

I'm dumbfounded by the double standards on here. Other threads where a mother posts that she has children and a new boyfriend results in her head being ripped off for introducing the new boyfriend too soon and she is always advised to wait until the relationship is on solid ground before introducing the new boyfriend to the children. When a deadbeat dad does the same thing its perfectly OK and the mother should mind her own business? The op is being sensible, she just wants to be sure that the deadbeat dad is in a serious and committed relationship (when baby is born) before the child meets the new girlfriend. Only on fucking Mumsnet.

Of course it's not sensible to introduce a child to a casual partner until you know it's serious.

Of course that's going to be the advice for anyone, male or female, who is thinking about doing that.

So no one is saying he is right to do that. It's just that op can't stop him or do anything about it, so needs to be realistic and manage her expectations.

Original poster
Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 10:36

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 09:53

And for the love of God, sort out some contraception.

I was on the coil!

OP posts:
electriclight · 01/07/2023 10:40

OP, you are hurting yourself because you like him and on some level want all of this to end up with the two of you together.

Look after yourself and your baby. Put him on the bc because he's the dad. Claim cm because your baby deserves financial security. Plan to be a great single mum and negotiate contact that works for both of you. Keep contact to essential communications about the baby only. If he isn't interested, and doesn't want to be a dad, consider moving closer to your family so all the people who love you and your baby are on hand to help.

Original poster
Cotswoldlife90 · 01/07/2023 10:40

So just read everyone's replies and I agree not to contact him further as emotions are getting involved and I'm probably not thinking very straight
Appreciate everyone's points of views

OP posts: