Husband lacks empathy for toddler

[DassDio]

Recently our DS has had the dreaded chicken pox. He’s only 18 months old and has been managing pretty well during the day with it, but it’s really shaken his night routine. He has never been the best sleeper, only going through the night from around 15 months, but this has seen 1-2 hour stints of crying out/wanting cuddles/etc. and a number of settles beforehand. My husband and I both work full time and are lucky enough to be able to work remotely, but it’s been pretty exhausting.

My husband has never been pleasant on limited sleep so I have always defaulted to handling the bulk of night time duties since DS was born. He helps out, but he’s often grumpy about it and it definitely affects him more than me. I think I’ve been trained to have limited sleep these days.

Anyway, since the chickenpox started (7 days ago) it’s felt like he lacks any empathy for our toddler. He seems to think our 18 month old is trying to manipulate us to get what he wants all the time. I’ve tried to explain that they don’t have the brain development to consciously try to manipulate so young, but he won’t hear it. At night, when DS is upset and hard to console, my husband will say “No!” In his face and “Back to sleep. now!” Which probably doesn’t sound that bad on paper but it comes across quite aggressive in person. This never has the results he’s hoping for and often just escalates the crying. Husband will often storm out of the room and declare “leave him to cry”. If I try to go in to calm DS down, husband gets very annoyed at me and it will lead to an argument. DS doesn’t always go back to sleep for me quickly, but he doesn’t scream and cry. He typically asks for cuddles, water, or a bum change. In truth I get the feeling he’s uncomfortable from the chickenpox and he just wants reassurance that we’re there.

I think our parenting styles are ultimately very different, he’s a bit old fashioned and strict, I’m more emotionally driven, which means clashes are guaranteed. But am I being unreasonable to think that husband is lacking in empathy here? Any ideas on how to help him look at the situation differently? I feel like I’ve done all the research into baby development and modern parenting recommendations, but husband still thinks he knows better. Is that me being arrogant or him being dismissive?!

At night, when DS is upset and hard to console, my husband will say “No!” In his face and “Back to sleep. now!” Which probably doesn’t sound that bad on paper but it comes across quite aggressive in person.

that sounds fucking awful on paper poor little boy. Your DH is a knob

I would do all the night waking's with your ds. Just to stop his dad being like that with him and while I was sitting there waiting for ds to go back to sleep I'd be thinking very carefully about if I wanted to be with his dad.

This sounds like my partner with our 2 year old. Drives me mad.

Your husband is being verbally abusive to an 18 month old his own flesh and blood. Jesus Christ he sounds bloody vile.

Be with your son not your arse of a husband. Your baby is uncomfortable chickenpox is shit. He doesn't understand he is depending on his parents to make him feel better.

As for manipulative behaviour your husband is displaying that in spades.

Did he show these traits prior to you marrying him and having his child? I suspect these tough traits were attractive to start with (Don't worry, millions of others have felt the same), but now you're seeing the down side to these attributes.

You won't change him. Just be there for your son. He wants reassurance and empathy, as you've correctly pointed out. Your husband is who he is and who you chose. You're a good mum. Fact is, you'll be doing the bulk of the parenting during the difficult years. That's it. Keep doing what you're doing otherwise.

I don’t think you can make your husband see anything differently without outside help. You’re already running around trying to patch up the holes in his parenting. How convenient that he doesn’t do well on no sleep. Who bloody does?! You’ve just had to step up because he refused to. What would happen if you suddenly decided you didn’t want to the bulk of the nighttime duties?

Yelling at a toddler who’s upset and recently had chicken pox and telling you let him cry is fucking disgusting and it does look bad on paper.

Would he be open to some sort of couples counselling? I’m afraid if this was me, I’d be saying we needed to work through the different “styles” of parenting in therapy or I wouldn’t want to carry on the relationship.

Also I’ve just read that he gets upset at you for going to comfort your son. What the actual fuck. Don’t bothering arguing with your vile husband about it, go and comfort your baby. Ignore the bigger baby having an adult tantrum.

This is child abuse and you're lucky this site anonymous, because if I knew your details I'd be all over social services like a rash to report him

Leave leave leave. He has no true feelings or love for your poor baby.

Also your husband is displaying classic abusive tactics of victim blaming and projection. He is the manipulator, not the sickly bubs.

He is yelling at a sick 18 month old because he doesn't want to deal with him being sick. Chicken pox is a disease. It makes toddlers and babies feel horrible. If I found my dh yelling at my child when sick ... I'd be having a serious re-think of the whole relationship.

I sincerely hope that he will get sick soon and I sincerely hope that you will yell "NO" and "Get back to sleep" at him when he does.

He is a horrible man. Don't get pregnant again.

You need to leave this angry man before he does permanent emotional and psychological damage to your child.

Your description of him accusing an 18 month old of manipulating you reminds me of my exH. I wish I had left him when I just had one DC.

Do not have another baby with this man.

Make plans to end the relationship.

Sounds like your husband is getting overwhelmed when he is tired and he is not getting what he wants so he is getting angry. Id point out to him if he can't manage his emotions as a grown man why is he expecting more of an 18m old than he is capable of himself. You could do the nights but I want some payback else where such as a lie in.

Your husband sounds awful.

Your DS is sick and of course he is looking for more comfort, it's temporary.

To be fair, your husband is expecting your 18 months old to regulate his emotions while he is unable to control his. He sounds like a bully. Lack of sleep is not an excuse to be abusive to your child.

When DS had chicken pox it was pretty hellish, being trapped in the house during the day and him being restless all night despite oat baths, meds, cream, cuddles; but its part of being a parent. I was broken inside (I have some MH conditions that are exasperated by poor sleep) and DH was working away, but you have to learn to care for your child without that clouding your actions, something he evidently can't do to the detriment of your child. As a PP has said, he is expecting a toddler who is genuinely incapable of doing so to regulate his emotions whilst he has a grown man can't and hasn't made any effort to work out coping mechanisms.

There is a difference between gently letting LO know it’s time to go back to bed and being aggressive. The latter isn’t okay. I don’t think you’re wrong to try to calm DS down but I do think you need to get on the same page parenting style wise. DH has all the patience in the world when DS 23mo needs help (tooth brushing, potty training etc) but zero when it comes to unfavourable behaviour (throwing food, tantrums over little things). DH acknowledges this and we both “take five” and encourage the other to when one of us is losing our patience because that’s on us not on DS. Playing devils advocate, I wouldn’t undermine DH in front of DS as it’s bound to cause a row. I’d address it after the fact. I would change tack if he’s been short tempered and say gently repeat “daddy said it’s time for bed and it’s night time, I love you and see you in the morning” cuddles and kisses and whatever. We have to learn to parent, I don’t agree that LTB is the first step. Also, I think a sick 18mo gets a pass! Hope he feels better soon.

The way he is interacting with your toddler is abusive and so harmful to the poor child's development. Really you need to take this seriously and protect your child. There is "grumpy unhelpful husband" and there's a man shouting at a sick toddler and saying to leave him to cry. Toddlers are sponges- relationships and experiences have such an impact on how they grow up, emotionally and in terms of their own relationships and mental health. Please protect your boy and yourself.

This makes me feel so sad for your little baby.

I think it's a bit much to say it's abuse and you need to call social services, but it's not ok.

Do you feel comfortable saying to your husband he's never to talk to your son like that again and being very firm with him? If you're not and are scared to then there are bigger questions about the dynamics of your relationship and you need to consider if you want to continue to expose your child to it.

I feel for you!

I think your husband should probably be allowed to parent his kid how he wants, and you the same. it’s ok to have different styles of parenting, you just need to respect each other and support each other.
Friends of mine just leave their kid to cry all the time. They tell me it works but needs a bit of getting used to.

@Cockortwowhisperer there are different ways of parenting, yes, but none of them should involve cruelty

If mine refused be kind to a poorly child and infact behaved abusivly, that would be the end of the relationship for me. I fully expect he is unkind when you’re poorly or down too.

You could always talk about his bullying to another person in ear shot of DH. Hopefully force reflection

Consider booking yourselves into a parenting course, it can be a pain to organise and the last thing you want to do after work, but they are only 10-12 weeks and it gives you both a chance to explore your parenting styles and hopefully get closer to the same page in style.
It’s really good to do it early in the child’s life before negative solutions get really entrenched. Husbands are often the most resistant to these classes, but get a lot out of them once they are there and have better relationships with their children. If you do go for classes research it well and get reviews and feedback from past participants as a lot of them are very wish washy.

OP, my two DC have just gone through chickenpox, the younger is 10 months. Two weeks of hell, no sleep, both kids up every 2 hours etc. etc.
My DH/their dad, got up and held our crying DD for hours on end throughout the night. He took their temperature, administered paracetamol at 3am, bathed them in oat baths, arranged for a friend to bring calamine lotion from the UK for the itchy scabs. He lay on the floor next to my DS as he had nightmares.

This is how you do it.

Im so sorry to hear about your DH and how he’s handled it. Are there some other dads he could speak to for advice? Is he the only dad in his friendship group?

An aggressive man shouting in the face of a crying, unwell toddler who wakes up uncomfortable and looking for comfort from his parents…

What a catch.

He’s vile, OP. Truly.

He sounds aggressive and unkind to your son. Why are you staying with him when he’s cruel to your child like that?