Husband lacks empathy for toddler

[DassDio]

Recently our DS has had the dreaded chicken pox. He’s only 18 months old and has been managing pretty well during the day with it, but it’s really shaken his night routine. He has never been the best sleeper, only going through the night from around 15 months, but this has seen 1-2 hour stints of crying out/wanting cuddles/etc. and a number of settles beforehand. My husband and I both work full time and are lucky enough to be able to work remotely, but it’s been pretty exhausting.

My husband has never been pleasant on limited sleep so I have always defaulted to handling the bulk of night time duties since DS was born. He helps out, but he’s often grumpy about it and it definitely affects him more than me. I think I’ve been trained to have limited sleep these days.

Anyway, since the chickenpox started (7 days ago) it’s felt like he lacks any empathy for our toddler. He seems to think our 18 month old is trying to manipulate us to get what he wants all the time. I’ve tried to explain that they don’t have the brain development to consciously try to manipulate so young, but he won’t hear it. At night, when DS is upset and hard to console, my husband will say “No!” In his face and “Back to sleep. now!” Which probably doesn’t sound that bad on paper but it comes across quite aggressive in person. This never has the results he’s hoping for and often just escalates the crying. Husband will often storm out of the room and declare “leave him to cry”. If I try to go in to calm DS down, husband gets very annoyed at me and it will lead to an argument. DS doesn’t always go back to sleep for me quickly, but he doesn’t scream and cry. He typically asks for cuddles, water, or a bum change. In truth I get the feeling he’s uncomfortable from the chickenpox and he just wants reassurance that we’re there.

I think our parenting styles are ultimately very different, he’s a bit old fashioned and strict, I’m more emotionally driven, which means clashes are guaranteed. But am I being unreasonable to think that husband is lacking in empathy here? Any ideas on how to help him look at the situation differently? I feel like I’ve done all the research into baby development and modern parenting recommendations, but husband still thinks he knows better. Is that me being arrogant or him being dismissive?!

Does your DH think an 18m old has the capacity to wake up feeling unwell (a concept they won’t understand, they will just feel uncomfortable and scared) yet has the capacity of thought to think I must lie here quietly and go back to sleep for fear of upsetting my father?

as a PP said, would it work for him for someone to aggressively shout in his face to sleep when he’s unwell, especially someone 5 times his size who is supposed to care for him?

Lack of sleep/disturbed sleep is horrendous, but there are 2 of you. Perhaps take it in turns to wear earplugs so you get a bulk of sleep rather than both being disturbed each time?

Please have a conversation with your DH in the daytime when things are calmer about his behaviour. It’s not right. Good luck x

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I hope your DS is starting to feel better soon.

My ex husband was a bit like this. Didn't even want me putting a landing light on for our 12 month old as he thought he was manipulating us to get his own way. It's honestly bizarre and a bit terrifying how ridiculous their thinking is but you won't change it op.

Notice I said ex husband?

Unfortunately I still have to send my child half the time due to our wonderful family court system. We are a good few years on and was better than it was but I still worry myself sick constantly as I know he doesn't have the patience required for a young child.

You cannot accept this behaviour. To treat an 18 month old like this at any time is horrible but when they actually have chickenpox - just vile. How can he not want to comfort his child when he sees him distressed rather than shout at him?

Toddler behaviour ramps up in the twos and threes and he will end up losing his temper - so you need to do something now

Sleep deprivation is a form if torture for a reason. Its bloody hard to function on little sleep. I am not excusing his behaviour, to me its unacceptable and once your child is better I would be having a serious conversation about this. A grown man shouting at a baby who essentially cannot control their behaviour or responses is really quite sad. As a parent periods of a lack of sleep, disturbed sleep do happen and you should be pulling together as a team to manage. For example my dh is an evening person so he would do the evening shift, put baby to bed and deal with any wake ups till 2pm ish. I would go to bed early and get a good 5 hours or so of sleep. We'd then swap so he could get a good rest and as I'm an early riser anyway I felt better at dealing with baby. We've done this kind of routine whenever any of ours have been ill. Is this workable?

Alternatively, I would have him sleep in another room if you have one and have your son in with you. During a period of chickenpox little ones sleep is bound to be disturbed and you'd both be silly not to have expected it. By bringing him into your bed and practicing safe co sleeping measures you can both get some sleep. If possible can either of you or both of you take a few days off? That way you can sleep in the morning whilst he handles the baby and then if he needs to he can nap when your son does.

I feel a bit worried about this because your son is 18m so presumably he hasn't reached the full on toddler stage where he deliberately won't do what you ask. Can you get your DH to read a book or go on a parenting course before then?

At night, when DS is upset and hard to console, my husband will say “No!” In his face and “Back to sleep. now!” Which probably doesn’t sound that bad on paper but it comes across quite aggressive in person.

It does sound bad on paper. What a horrible way to treat a sick child. Chicken pox is one of the nastiest illnesses.

It really isn't. Social Services wouldn't do anything, different parenting styles are allowed.

YANBU

I have a 17 month old. I gave always done all of the wake ups too. For different reasons though - breastfed, still fed to sleep. He's always slept so much better with me that I decided to co-sleep. DH in our room, me in DS's room.
I remember being told off at night like that (albeit I must have been older to remember, guessing around 3) so I think it has made me find me be the opposite with my DS.
The way your husband is handling won't work!

He is right to a certain extent. When a toddler tries your patience and he’s so tired and getting angry, the best thing to do is leave the child safe in the cot and leave. If you mollycoddle him too much he will just refuse to sleep.
I bet he has the idea of manipulation from his parents, that generation had a stricter parenting style which quite often worked. The reason being larger families meant you didn’t have the time to pander to a crying child who doesn’t like to be left. At 18 months you do need to assert yourself and enforce a sleep routine though, for your own sanity and your husbands. The extra sleep will help everyone’s mood.

Yep I can agree with this. My ex acted quite like the ops husband and in the family courts eyes it's just different parenting styles and he got 50/50.

It boils down to selfishness. He wants his needs met in terms of sleep ahead of meeting your poorly ds's needs for comfort.

My dh has done similar. I just handle everything where I can. My worst fear would be 50:50 where I can't watch over them with him. You have my empathy op.

Hi All - thank you for taking time to post and comment. I just want to elaborate a little as I realise I wrote this post whilst peeved at 2am and I think it’s probably misled some of you a little.
My husband doesn’t shout at our DS - he says “No!” In a firm voice but doesn’t shout. His behaviour is more frustrated and less aggressive. This behaviour only comes on when DS is up in the night - during the day my DH is far more patient. We’ve been together for over a decade and he has always been one to struggle with limited sleep.
There have been a couple of suggestions around parenting classes and finding a way to make our parenting styles more consistent - I think these are probably my best options and I’m really grateful for the idea. I’m hoping that having a professional explain that ‘toddlers cant regulate emotions and meltdowns aren’t them being naughty or manipulative’ might make him listen and understand.
My DH is not a cruel or angry man - I think he needs to check his own emotions when dealing with our DS at night for sure, but I can say with 100% certainty that he’s not abusive.

Thanks again :)

Sounds awful on paper. I'd be done if anyone had spoke to my baby like that. Easier to say than do I know but Jesus your husband sounds like a horrible bully.

Just because you say he doesn’t shout and you don’t think he’s abusive does not vindicate him. The fact that you need to get a bloody professional in to explain to him that his child is not manipulative is horrific.

Even saying firmly ‘no. Go to bed’ even without shouting when you have a sick baby who needs comfort from their caregivers is incredibly cruel. Not understanding or providing the physical assurance they need is spiteful. This isn’t a clash of parenting styles- it’s a complete lack of empathy (your words….) for a tiny, helpless thing.

I can’t imagine him doing such a thing but if my husband even attempted to be ‘old school’ with our sick baby who needed their parents- I would be hitting the roof.

I hope you take this all a bit more seriously with the next thing that makes you twitch rather than channeling your energy into protesting how he isn’t actually abusive. Because based on what you’ve written, even taking out the shouting- he is cruel. Doesn’t matter how patient is apparently is in the day. Broken sleep gives no one a free pass to be a callous prick.

I would tell him that having a child means you need to meet their needs first and your own needs and wants come second. He needs to grow up and deal with this.

I’m hoping that having a professional explain that ‘toddlers cant regulate emotions and meltdowns aren’t them being naughty or manipulative’ might make him listen and understand.

I agree with every word @Suprima posted on this.

OP, your child will be potty training in the next year or so. How is your H going to behave when things don't go his way?

Your child is also going to get fond of the word No. How will your H react when he starts using it?

When you find yourself contemplating calling in a professional to explain civil, grown-up behaviour and empathy toward a small, vulnerable being, his own flesh and blood, to a man, you are fighting a losing battle.

And @DassDio just to clarify - tone of voice is one thing to you and quite another to the 18 month old who needs comfort.

But it is the accusation he is leveling at the child - the baby - of manipulation that is the chilling part of all of this.

You are dealing with a narcissist.

Were you definitely “peeved” at 2am, or were you acting on instinct this behaviour was fucking unacceptable? Your OP mentioned him being aggressive. I wonder if in the cold light of day you’ve shrugged it off and minimised it as a way to cope. It’s easily done.

Ultimately I hope he sees the error of his ways and is able to have empathy for his child. I actually don’t believe this has anything to do with parenting styles. He just doesn’t have any empathy for his ill baby. I’m surprised some people on here seem to be brushing it off. I’m sure if a woman posted on here that she had just been aggressive to her toddler crying with chicken pox it wouldn’t be seen as a parenting “style”.

It’s Ok to have different styles of parenting. It’s not OK to be aggressive towards an 18-month old toddler who is barely more than a baby and is also ill with chicken pox. This isn’t an older child having a tantrum. It’s a baby who is itchy and unwell and is waking up feeling miserable. Nobody should ‘respect and support’ a parent who thinks an 18-month-old baby is being deliberately manipulative and shouts in their face.

Horrible man.

What a nasty prick. Your poor kid.

Your child will need your kindness and compassion very deeply as he navigates childhood with a ‘father’ like that. Stay true to your positive instincts about parenting OP.

My DH is not a cruel or angry man - I think he needs to check his own emotions when dealing with our DS at night for sure, but I can say with 100% certainty that he’s not abusive.

You know the phrase "In vino veritas"?

Well, there is an analogy.

It involves the instinctive response by a parent to babies and small children at 2am. That's when you see the real person.

Your child will get more annoying to be honest, when they're 3 or so and they understand things more and purposefully push boundaries (which is a usual part of development) you really need to know how to control and deal with frustration without taking it out on the child. He needs to prioritise sorting this.

‘When you find yourself contemplating calling in a professional to explain civil, grown-up behaviour and empathy toward a small, vulnerable being, his own flesh and blood, to a man, you are fighting a losing battle.’

This. The barest of minimum decent father would be desperately educating himself on child development, parenting, how to develop empathy since he has none. Your update does not help, he still sounds appalling.

"You need to sleep somewhere else until our child is well. You're making their safe haven very stressful and unnecessarily so. If he gets tonsillitis or a sore throat from screaming for support I will expect you to arrange GP and explain the circumstances."

"You expect me to ignore a person who has only just come into this world, who only knows us to support their needs during the night. What if I ignored you when you were frightened, upset or in pain? Fortunately you're able to get in a car and pick up the meds you need to make yourself well and understand that the illnesses aren't for ever. Your child however, is not that far developed"

Alternatively just open the door, throw an outfit of his out and ask him to vacate the home. Lock doors and enjoy your child, he sounds kind and loving and nothing like the broken that is your husband.

He sounds awful quite frankly. What he says sounds awful on paper TBH. He doesn't sound like he understands child development AT ALL. Your poor little one. Have you had a chance to sit down and talk about your approach to things? If he's not up for adapting/being evidence based then I can't see a way forward for you.