Recently our DS has had the dreaded chicken pox. He’s only 18 months old and has been managing pretty well during the day with it, but it’s really shaken his night routine. He has never been the best sleeper, only going through the night from around 15 months, but this has seen 1-2 hour stints of crying out/wanting cuddles/etc. and a number of settles beforehand. My husband and I both work full time and are lucky enough to be able to work remotely, but it’s been pretty exhausting.
My husband has never been pleasant on limited sleep so I have always defaulted to handling the bulk of night time duties since DS was born. He helps out, but he’s often grumpy about it and it definitely affects him more than me. I think I’ve been trained to have limited sleep these days.
Anyway, since the chickenpox started (7 days ago) it’s felt like he lacks any empathy for our toddler. He seems to think our 18 month old is trying to manipulate us to get what he wants all the time. I’ve tried to explain that they don’t have the brain development to consciously try to manipulate so young, but he won’t hear it. At night, when DS is upset and hard to console, my husband will say “No!” In his face and “Back to sleep. now!” Which probably doesn’t sound that bad on paper but it comes across quite aggressive in person. This never has the results he’s hoping for and often just escalates the crying. Husband will often storm out of the room and declare “leave him to cry”. If I try to go in to calm DS down, husband gets very annoyed at me and it will lead to an argument. DS doesn’t always go back to sleep for me quickly, but he doesn’t scream and cry. He typically asks for cuddles, water, or a bum change. In truth I get the feeling he’s uncomfortable from the chickenpox and he just wants reassurance that we’re there.
I think our parenting styles are ultimately very different, he’s a bit old fashioned and strict, I’m more emotionally driven, which means clashes are guaranteed. But am I being unreasonable to think that husband is lacking in empathy here? Any ideas on how to help him look at the situation differently? I feel like I’ve done all the research into baby development and modern parenting recommendations, but husband still thinks he knows better. Is that me being arrogant or him being dismissive?!