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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel bad for reporting violent ex

73 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 30/06/2023 12:01

We have two kids 1 and 3, together 13 years, he was extremely controlling and moved me 400 miles from my family and friends and work to a rural area
Violence started when I got pregnant and he threw a phone at me for crying about it as I had just got a new job, told me “just be grateful you’re pregnant you silly cow”
2nd child conceived when he refused to use protection and promised to pull out
he was violent throughout the pregnancy and kicked me in the back when I was 8 months pregnant. I gave birth covered in bruises
i reported him finally after he kept me and the kids in a room for hours while screaming at me how he would kill me, that he was having “dark thoughts” and I was “in danger”
it was terrifying and I have ptsd and constant nightmares.
I reported to police and moved back home. Me and kids are well supported now and living a much happier life.
my ex is due to be prosecuted and he is guilt tripping me, saying he’ll never work again and won’t support us and may as well kill himself

i was just trying to get the kids ready to go for a day out to a museum but now I feel completely shaken and freaked out can anyone handhold or tell me that what I’ve done is ok
some of my friends have said I should withdraw the charges as how does it help having him criminaliSed
i feel utterly alone and shattered, what is “right” does not feel right
Should I call CPS and withdraw the statements , so he can carry on working and sending us money ? We are poor and living in one room, I am going to go back to work asap and have resigned myself to looking after the kids by myself , I study every time they sleep and hope to get a good job by next year

has anyone been in a similar situation
aibu to go forwards with the prosecution? I don’t want him criminalised I just wanted us to escape

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 30/06/2023 12:04

He will know he still has control of you if you withdraw the charges.
Keep pushing forward, it will get better.

pastaandpesto · 30/06/2023 12:11

Life isn't black and white and I can imagine that there might be some circumstances in which the best outcome might be achieved by not formally prosecuting DV.

From what you've said here, I would say your situation is NOT one of them. This man is an abuser and your children need to be protected from him.

Hoardasurass · 30/06/2023 12:20

What he is doing is witness tampering. Its designed to make you drop the charges and is a crime. You need to report this to the customer as he's probably in breach of his bail conditions by contacting you too.
As for his threats of suicide it's unbelievably common for abusive men to make these threats when they lose control of their victims it's just another form of coersive control. Please don't believe him.
Now as for him getting a criminal record I'm afraid all I can say to that is good he deserves 1 he could have killed your unborn dc when he kicked you, he threatened to kill you infront of your dc and 1 day he would have followed through with that threat. Do you think he would have spared your dc? Because I'm not so sure that he would as he's shown no care or consideration for their welfare when he was kicking you whilst pregnant.
You are doing what you need to to protect yourself and your dc hold your head up high and remember that you are doing what is right and required to keep family safe

Hoardasurass · 30/06/2023 12:22

That should say prosecutor not customer bloody auto correct

cestlavielife · 30/06/2023 12:23

Do not withdraw
Threats to kill you bruised held hostage
You withdraw he gets unsupervised contact
His actions his problem
Do not protect him

To protect him you will lose sll the protection you have
Do not waiver
Those friends have no idea , were they there being assaulted ?

Wishitsnows · 30/06/2023 12:25

If you withdraw he will get access to your children. This man is violent and dangerous. He thinks he can convince you to drop the charges for his own benefit. Let the police or prosecutors know he is doing this. Stay strong. You can do this.

cestlavielife · 30/06/2023 12:26

Consider why you dont wsnt him criminalised?
How does it help? It does not.
If he was a strsnger who bruised you snd held you hostage you woukd not hesitate right?
Yet you considering
To allow him to say hey i did nothing haha
Your dc need to know he did bad and had consequences. It s sad but get them help to process it

cestlavielife · 30/06/2023 12:26

You can do this

Jonnycakes · 30/06/2023 12:30

You gave birth covered in bruises due to this man. How long before his temper is transferred to your children? As for your so called friends, maybe they would think differently if they’d been beaten, screamed at, and held against their will by him? Keep pushing forward, you’re doing the absolute best for your children. Keep strong, the only reason he’s contacting you is to keep control and because he realises the game is up.
On a side note, my mum left a violent man when pregnant with me. We might not have had loads of money but she raised me with so much love in a safe and peaceful home. I’m more thankful to her for that than for any material possessions she could’ve bought me. Good luck op x

Justcallmebebes · 30/06/2023 12:31

Please stay strong and see this through. If you don't, he will see it as your weakness and take advantage of that.

Plus, if he is convicted, it could forewarn any other poor woman who has the misfortune to be involved with him. This must be very hard for you, but keep going. It will get better in time

LilyAndTheKing · 30/06/2023 12:32

I don't think you can withdraw the charges, it's up to the CPS to review cases submitted by the police and decide whether there is a reasonable chance of being found guilty.
It is his fault entirely if he receives a criminal record, he committed the acts of violence.
Please let your case worker/police know that he is intimidating you.
Your friends are beneath contempt, I'd ditch them. How dare they belittle what has happened to you.
The police do take domestic violence very seriously these days and about time, too.
💐

Damnyouautocorrect1 · 30/06/2023 12:32

If not for you, press charges for your kids. Do you want to end up in the daily Mail because you allowed a violent man to beat your kids to death?

Tinkerbyebye · 30/06/2023 12:37

You do not withdraw charges. Let it run it’s course

set up a new email just for him, to discuss kids only and block him everywhere else

he is abusive and threatening to kill himself is part of the blaming process. Ignore him

i would also dump those ‘friends’ who say withdraw the charges. They are saying that it’s acceptable for a man to abuse a woman and get away with it

think of your kids, they are better off without him

Charles11 · 30/06/2023 12:37

I'm sorry for what you've been through and no one deserves that.
Please do not be intimidated by him and carry on standing up for yourself and your children.
Do not listen to your friends and do not listen to him either. He's a despicable excuse for a human being and should have thought about this before he was violent and abusive to his partner.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 30/06/2023 12:40

My exh nearly killed us all drink driving.. I reported him. Your responsibility it to you and your dc. Not your ex.

PizzaPastaWine · 30/06/2023 12:49

This guy is continuing to control you. He is also perverting the course of justice. I would make the officer dealing with this aware.

Does he have any contact with your DCs?

BallantyneValentine · 30/06/2023 12:53

All I can say is that my MIL stayed with a man similar to your husband for nearly 50 years. He has taken every asset and every penny from her as he created a way to force her out when he was done with her. Currently he is obsessing over a young woman and her kids and he doesn’t give a rats ass about MIL. Do not live that life. It is horrendous what these men will do. They are evil.

Conkersinautumn · 30/06/2023 12:55

He will keep on it if he can use any of this to control you. As he directly trapped and threatened you and the children access of any sort doesn't seem likely. He's not the sort to ever pay up. Cut contact or restrict it to being through a third party and leave him to his pit he's created. Move forwards. You're friends are giving you risky advice. Any bending to him and you'll never get free

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/06/2023 13:01

If you drop the charges that will not stop him from abusing you and the DC. What it will do is give him the opportunity to get access to them, visitation rights etc.

His guilt tripping you is another form of bullying you.

I'm not saying he absolutely won't attempt suicide, but if he is going to be that way inclined don't let it be a murder suicide....

GCSister · 30/06/2023 13:03

Do not withdraw anything. He's a dangerous man who needs locking up.

He's continuing to abuse and control you and it's important that you don't let this happen.

And in my experience a conviction for DV rarely has a significant negative effect on a man's future. I know someone who spent 6 years in prison for DV and he's living the life of Riley. It's not stopped him getting a job or multiple girlfriends 😡

Hereforsummer · 30/06/2023 13:04

Do you think he feels guilty for what he put you through? He sounds like a real danger to women and absolutely should be criminalised. Does he not have bail conditions to prevent him contacting you? If so you should be reporting breach of those and possibly witness intimidation rather than considering withdrawing your statement. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing for you and the DC. Don't let him bully you.

CharlieCoCo · 30/06/2023 13:08

Your friends want to know how it helps having your abuser criminalised? your actual friends are wondering this?
Well, its a consequence of him abusing you and his children. it can help save your life, it can help save your childrens life. what do they think will happen if you dont prosecute? they think you will be able to have healthy friendship co parenting the children? you will spend the rest of your life scared and wondering if the children are safe each time they are with him. good luck, stay strong, have confidence this is the best thing and try to find a support group, which will give you friends who keep you safe.

RoseslnTheHospital · 30/06/2023 13:09

He is still trying to control you.

This is really important to realise. This guilt tripping is designed to get you to do what he wants. Don't withdraw any statements, push on with the court case and get through. Plan your future life assuming he won't pay you any maintenance and work from that starting point. Things will get better for you.

He should be apologising constantly to you, not trying to guilt trip you.

I wonder if the police/courts would consider his messages to be an an attempt to intimidate or influence a witness?

ColdHandsHotHead · 30/06/2023 13:11

Stay strong. Remember you are keeping yourself and children safe from this criminal. Any problems he has are of his own making, not yourself. You are simply protecting yourself, your children and probably other women from his violence.

Kpo58 · 30/06/2023 13:15

Do not withdraw the statements.

Let's say he does go through with the threats of killing himself, it won't be a loose to you as then he will be out of your left forever and can't carry on abusing you and your children. There may even be a small inheritance that would benefit the kids.

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