Page 3 | Feel bad for reporting violent ex

poetryandwine · 30/06/2023 19:08

Stay strong, OP! You’ve shown incredible strength to get yourself and your DC away from this animal. He can’t stand not having you under his control. Hence these threats.

Definitely report them to your caseworker, the police, or the prosecutor. And whenever you are tempted to withdraw, remember that doing so potentially gives this disgusting excuse for a man access to your DC.

PonyPatter44 · 30/06/2023 19:17

Lovey, he is already a criminal. He abuses women and children; that is a crime, and he IS a criminal. Its not your actions that make him a criminal, its his!

Why are you allowing him to contact you? Block him on every single channel, and tell the investigating police officer that he is still trying to intimidate you. If he is in prison on remand, phone the prison and ask them to block contact.

bumblebee2235 · 30/06/2023 19:27

PTSD will make you feel so frozen with fear. Rationalising will go out the window. I've been there, you think it's all your fault and become easily manipulated and constantly feel guilt.

He deserves this! If he doesn't get punished for this, he will do this to another innocent party and children. Keep telling yourself that, dismiss the guilt for yourself and place the thought of this happening to another victim.

You will get through this, and I use to be so mad when people told me it would make me stronger! I would think how??? How could I get stronger when I feel so broken down and destroyed? Self worth in tatters and living in perpetual fear. But oddly enough you do, and then you see these people a mile off and you can stare them down and make them feel so small. Also you will get an amazing life at the end of it, where you become resilient, strong boundaries! Hang on in there once he's been done, you can get the support, therapy and really start to move on.

I found thinking of future plans helpful for myself.. holding onto little seeds of hope and focusing my mind on easy achievable goals x

longwayoff · 30/06/2023 19:29

Dont let him blackmail you. He's embarrassed as everyone will see him for what he is. Step back and you'll be counting black eyes again in no time at all. Show.him up.

mumda · 30/06/2023 19:31

Just remember how much he hurt you whilst you were carrying his baby.
The man is a bad one. Do not feel guilt for this.

Get some support from real friends and not DV-sympathisers.

Hibiscrubbed · 30/06/2023 20:05

some of my friends have said I should withdraw the charges as how does it help having him criminaliSed

Never have people been more wrong.

Do not withdraw charges.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2023 20:15

First thing you need to do is contact the prosecutors handling this case (I'm in the US so not exactly sure of the right term) and tell them that he is contacting you and threatening you and trying to manipulate you into withdrawing your statements. This IS witness tampering and I'm sure it's illegal in the UK, as it is here.

Secondly, how is he contacting you? If it's electronically/phone, then block him. Do not answer calls from unknown or blocked numbers. If he's sending in friends and family to 'plead his case' then block them too.

For the 'friends' who are saying 'how does it help to have him criminalized', I'll tell you how. He will have a record that will follow him and as such, it will hopefully protect other people from him. And he will know that you have stood your ground and not allowed him to manipulate or bully you.

As far as the money he sends, he is using it like a weapon and will continue to do so for as long as he can. He'll stop sending it every time you piss him off. He'll tell the DC and everyone else that you 'spend it on manicures' and such. As hard as it is, it will be better to learn to live without it as soon as possible. That way he can't use it against you.

IHateLegDay · 30/06/2023 20:18

Do not drop the charges.
Countless violent men have been given access to their children and gone on to murder them to 'punish' their ex.
Please please continue with the charges and never allow him to see your children.
He didn't care about their safety when you were pregnant with them and he was beating you. He could've easily killed them.
What's stopping him if he has unsupervised access?

Gingernaut · 30/06/2023 20:19

letmeeatcrisps · 30/06/2023 12:01

We have two kids 1 and 3, together 13 years, he was extremely controlling and moved me 400 miles from my family and friends and work to a rural area
Violence started when I got pregnant and he threw a phone at me for crying about it as I had just got a new job, told me “just be grateful you’re pregnant you silly cow”
2nd child conceived when he refused to use protection and promised to pull out
he was violent throughout the pregnancy and kicked me in the back when I was 8 months pregnant. I gave birth covered in bruises
i reported him finally after he kept me and the kids in a room for hours while screaming at me how he would kill me, that he was having “dark thoughts” and I was “in danger”
it was terrifying and I have ptsd and constant nightmares.
I reported to police and moved back home. Me and kids are well supported now and living a much happier life.
my ex is due to be prosecuted and he is guilt tripping me, saying he’ll never work again and won’t support us and may as well kill himself

i was just trying to get the kids ready to go for a day out to a museum but now I feel completely shaken and freaked out can anyone handhold or tell me that what I’ve done is ok
some of my friends have said I should withdraw the charges as how does it help having him criminaliSed
i feel utterly alone and shattered, what is “right” does not feel right
Should I call CPS and withdraw the statements , so he can carry on working and sending us money ? We are poor and living in one room, I am going to go back to work asap and have resigned myself to looking after the kids by myself , I study every time they sleep and hope to get a good job by next year

has anyone been in a similar situation
aibu to go forwards with the prosecution? I don’t want him criminalised I just wanted us to escape

Anyone who tells you to drop the charges is not your friend

Report every contact to the police, what he's doing is criminally offensive.

Do NOT drop the charges - you will never hear the end of it from him and the police will take you less seriously the next time.

THE. NEXT. TIME.

Give him any chance and you will regret it.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 30/06/2023 20:48

In the early days of divorce we had a court meeting (not in the courtroom but a room inside the court) where exh was trying to plead he wasn't violent. Wasn't a danger to the dc. Should have 50/50 etc etc... It was mentioned I had reported him for dd and he tried to attack me across the table.
Showed his true colours with impeccable timing. Your ex is biding his time to blow also op. Don't fall for it. Take it all the way. Or Heaven help you if you don't..

Original poster

letmeeatcrisps · 30/07/2023 12:08

Thank you all so much for these replies I’ve not been able to get back to this thread but just read it now and it’s given me strength on a day when I really needed it. Thank you.
it has been so interesting to see who of my friends has been unconditionally supportive and who’s implicitly taken his side! (In the guise of “protecting the family structure”). He also is unable to see that the children witnessing violence from a caregiver is much worse than them missing their dad. He keeps guilt tripping me that our son won’t have proper male role models. But the kids are are loved and cared for here and in a peaceful environment - it’s shocking to realise they never had that before
(also, if anyone else reading is trying to leave an abusive relationship - please just go, it took me a year after deciding to finally leave - the longer I’m out the more I realise how horrific and unnatural it truly was)

OP posts:

billy1966 · 30/07/2023 12:18

Well done.

Stay strong.

Stop listening to and contact with the loser who supports abusers like your ex.

Real friends would never support an abusive partner.

Do not withdraw your complaint.

Your children deserve protecting from him.

Well done.

Hoardasurass · 30/07/2023 12:26

@letmeeatcrisps no role model is far better than a violent abusive 1

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/07/2023 12:40

Oh love, I’m sure it’s very difficult but you’re doing the right thing.

A male role model like him is exactly what your dc don’t need and to be honest, some of your friends don’t really sound like friends. You are being so brave and you deserve people around you who will support you and your family unconditionally.

Stay strong, you’ve got this.

Bb234 · 30/07/2023 12:46

The ‘friends’ that are advising you to withdraw charges are not friends they are firmly on his side and are probably going this on his behalf.
I would stop talking to them altogether because they are probably relaying I go back to him and if your talking to him now before the court case this could be used against you in court.
block him and leave him to it, if you go ahead with this you are 100% protecting your children he’s a dangerous individual.
Im glad you’re away from him you and your children, good luck everything gets better I promise you!

LakeTiticaca · 30/07/2023 12:52

So what if he threatens kill himself. He won't, but if he does, you will be rid of him forever.
He's a nasty piece of work and he must be brought to book. Please don't let him intimidate you into dropping the charges.
Definitely speak to the authorities about his continued harrassment

BoohooWoohoo · 30/07/2023 12:57

Your friends gave you terrible advice back then. You and the kids deserve to be safe and free of this abusive scumbag.

No dad is better than having contact with a bad dad. "Preserving the family structure" is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship. Happy structures happen in many different shapes and forms and you have found a new and better one.

Wishing you all the luck for your future.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/07/2023 13:37

He keeps guilt tripping me that our son won’t have proper male role models.

He doesn't have one now. Far better none than a bad one.

BeaumontLivingston · 30/07/2023 14:14

Yes I know that feeling. It passes, and if you don't act on prosecution you'll be setting yourself up to be taken advantage of.

What I learned with these people is they do not let up, they do not care and they do go all the way with things.

If it was the other way around do you think he would prosecute you? He would.

You should go through with it even out of duty to the rest of us who may meet him. He deserves to be punished for all that. They put screens up in court, you won't have to see him.

ImGonnaHaveToTurnMyBackOnYou · 30/07/2023 14:32

You're amazing and wonderful and you're doing the right things.

Don't let him or a few very naive 'friends' talk you out of the prosecution etc.

I didn't have enough evidence to take mine to court. Or I would have.

You're strong enough to continue. Your children will thank you.

X

MisschiefMaker · 30/07/2023 16:45

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 30/06/2023 20:48

In the early days of divorce we had a court meeting (not in the courtroom but a room inside the court) where exh was trying to plead he wasn't violent. Wasn't a danger to the dc. Should have 50/50 etc etc... It was mentioned I had reported him for dd and he tried to attack me across the table.
Showed his true colours with impeccable timing. Your ex is biding his time to blow also op. Don't fall for it. Take it all the way. Or Heaven help you if you don't..

This is terrible but also a little bit funny. What an absolute numbskull.

BrawnWild · 30/07/2023 16:53

Hose people arent your friends.

He isnt a proper male role model.

Stop talking to idiots who have mixed loyalties and will talk you out if things in order to benefit him. The Judge and Jury dont have the same biases as your so called friends.

Reframe it. You arent doing anything to him. You told someone what he did and now the appropriate legal action is happening as a natural consequence. Classic case of "if he cant do the time, he shouldn't have done the crime."

Phoning you to say he is going to kill himself is manipulative. You know it.

Sauvblanctime · 30/07/2023 17:03

letmeeatcrisps · 30/06/2023 12:01

We have two kids 1 and 3, together 13 years, he was extremely controlling and moved me 400 miles from my family and friends and work to a rural area
Violence started when I got pregnant and he threw a phone at me for crying about it as I had just got a new job, told me “just be grateful you’re pregnant you silly cow”
2nd child conceived when he refused to use protection and promised to pull out
he was violent throughout the pregnancy and kicked me in the back when I was 8 months pregnant. I gave birth covered in bruises
i reported him finally after he kept me and the kids in a room for hours while screaming at me how he would kill me, that he was having “dark thoughts” and I was “in danger”
it was terrifying and I have ptsd and constant nightmares.
I reported to police and moved back home. Me and kids are well supported now and living a much happier life.
my ex is due to be prosecuted and he is guilt tripping me, saying he’ll never work again and won’t support us and may as well kill himself

i was just trying to get the kids ready to go for a day out to a museum but now I feel completely shaken and freaked out can anyone handhold or tell me that what I’ve done is ok
some of my friends have said I should withdraw the charges as how does it help having him criminaliSed
i feel utterly alone and shattered, what is “right” does not feel right
Should I call CPS and withdraw the statements , so he can carry on working and sending us money ? We are poor and living in one room, I am going to go back to work asap and have resigned myself to looking after the kids by myself , I study every time they sleep and hope to get a good job by next year

has anyone been in a similar situation
aibu to go forwards with the prosecution? I don’t want him criminalised I just wanted us to escape

nooooo!!!! He doesn’t deserve your sympathy!! Plus what if he gets another partner and does the same? Claire’s law will protect her. He shouldn’t have done what he did & now he has to face the consequences