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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel bad for reporting violent ex

73 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 30/06/2023 12:01

We have two kids 1 and 3, together 13 years, he was extremely controlling and moved me 400 miles from my family and friends and work to a rural area
Violence started when I got pregnant and he threw a phone at me for crying about it as I had just got a new job, told me “just be grateful you’re pregnant you silly cow”
2nd child conceived when he refused to use protection and promised to pull out
he was violent throughout the pregnancy and kicked me in the back when I was 8 months pregnant. I gave birth covered in bruises
i reported him finally after he kept me and the kids in a room for hours while screaming at me how he would kill me, that he was having “dark thoughts” and I was “in danger”
it was terrifying and I have ptsd and constant nightmares.
I reported to police and moved back home. Me and kids are well supported now and living a much happier life.
my ex is due to be prosecuted and he is guilt tripping me, saying he’ll never work again and won’t support us and may as well kill himself

i was just trying to get the kids ready to go for a day out to a museum but now I feel completely shaken and freaked out can anyone handhold or tell me that what I’ve done is ok
some of my friends have said I should withdraw the charges as how does it help having him criminaliSed
i feel utterly alone and shattered, what is “right” does not feel right
Should I call CPS and withdraw the statements , so he can carry on working and sending us money ? We are poor and living in one room, I am going to go back to work asap and have resigned myself to looking after the kids by myself , I study every time they sleep and hope to get a good job by next year

has anyone been in a similar situation
aibu to go forwards with the prosecution? I don’t want him criminalised I just wanted us to escape

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 30/06/2023 13:42

he kept me and the kids in a room for hours while screaming at me how he would kill me, that he was having “dark thoughts” and I was “in danger”

Better he makes threats against himself than being able to continue being violent and abusive to you and your kids.

how does it help having him criminaliSed

That's on him. He is a criminal, he has committed crimes against you, and is all too likely to escalate to worse. It is 100% his fault, not yours, that he is being prosecuted.

I study every time they sleep and hope to get a good job by next year
That's brilliant! Stay strong.Flowers

Panteranoir · 30/06/2023 14:14

OP you are not criminalising this man.

He is a criminal. If he is found guilty it will be justice for you not criminalization.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 30/06/2023 14:22

If not for you, consider the next woman who comes across him. He will have painted you as some crazy ex who won't let him see his kids. At least she can make a Clare's law request and be fully informed. He is paying maintenance now because you still have some benefit in being kept happy. It is even more important if his job depends on a DBS. Would you want him to teach your children, care for your granny, enforce laws or be a doctor? People still work with a criminal record.

Fair enough if you do not feel strong enough for yourself, although you should of course make the police aware of the pressure he is putting on you. Do not do it for his benefit though.

sandyhappypeople · 30/06/2023 14:27

I think you need to get some new friends if they are suggesting you drop the charges, if all they care about is the money continuing to come in rather than you and your kids best interests they aren't the best people to be giving you advice.

How it helps him being criminalised, is that for one, he has to face up to what he's done, and two, if you drop the charges, and he gets away with this he may then be able to try and get full custody of your kids if he wished, if you've gone through official legal proceedings and he's been charged with DV, you won't have to live under the threat of what he could do as it's highly unlikely he'll be able to do anything after that.

And although this is NOT your responsibility to bear, you may even save some other woman from going through what you've gone through, because under Clare's Law that conviction will be there for anyone who may need to see it.

Please stay strong.

Gettingfleeced · 30/06/2023 14:28

Do not withdraw the charges. He isn't "being criminalised" - he is a criminal.

BlastedPimples · 30/06/2023 14:32

What freakshow friends have you got telling you to drop the charges? For pity's sake.

Nail him. Get rid of him. He's scum.

Ophy83 · 30/06/2023 14:33

There's an excellent book called In Control by Jane Monckton-Smith. She sets out a timeline of dangerous relationships- one red flag is when someone says they are thinking of killing themselves when they lose control of you. If they've got to that point you are actually in significant danger from them as well. Keep well clear, report any communications etc. The court should have vulnerability provisions in place for you so you don't have to see him at trial and he can't see you

pickledandpuzzled · 30/06/2023 14:36

Those are not friends.

If you back out, then you are backing out on behalf of your children too. They need you to do this for them.

Sealover123 · 30/06/2023 14:43

He did all this and now must face the music. Why should he not face the consequences of his actions? Stay strong and DO NOT withdraw charges.

TalkingInTheKitchen · 30/06/2023 14:43

Dropping the charges will allow him access to your children, please don't let him pressure you into dropping them.

Irridescantshimmmer · 30/06/2023 14:52

He's done enough damage, continue with the prosecution for yours and your kids safety - he deserves all he gets as he deserves to rot in hell for what he has done.

Concentrate on you and your kids, life is better for you now which you have said, so keep it that way by keeping him away.

Its time to heal and move on. Remember, you and your kids survived and its time to heal and move on as time really is the greatest healer it does get better.

JFDIYOLO · 30/06/2023 15:08

You did exactly the right thing. The strong, protective and difficult thing for the safety of yourself and your children.

He is dangerous.

He isolated you from all your allies.

He got you pregnant again through trickery.

You gave birth covered in bruises.

He held you hostage and threatened your lives.

He is using threats and emotional blackmail to try to control you and the children.

He has already hurt you.

If you go back, he WILL hurt you again.

And he will hurt your children.

He has committed multiple criminal offences = he is already a criminal.

Even if you never see him again, if you withdraw the charges he will do it to other women and children.

You're doing exactly the right thing.

MisschiefMaker · 30/06/2023 16:13

You are doing the right thing. He is a danger to you and your children. Going through with a prosecution sends a clear message that you won't be victimised anymore and that you have powerful institutions on your side.

Another consideration is that a successful prosecution puts the narrative well and truly in your favour. When your children are older he will likely try to minimise his actions or paint himself as a victim (which he is already doing). If he's been to prison for abusing you he'll have a much harder time trying to convince your DC to be sympathetic to him.

FOJN · 30/06/2023 16:25

How is he still able to contact you? Block him on every communication channel. Do not interact or respond to him in anyway.

He is an adult who made a choice to violently abuse you, it's not up to you to protect his job or him from the legal consequences of those actions.

JFDIYOLO Is right, he is dangerous. Do not underestimate how dangerous abusers like him can be. Protect yourself and your children.

Go forward with the prosecution, show him you are serious about holding him accountable for his abuse of you.

Some of your friends are not friends at all. Criminal convictions are about providing justice for victims, introducing offenders to consequences and, where a custodial sentence is applied, protecting the public or previous victims from further harm.

Brefugee · 30/06/2023 16:27

"friends" who are telling you to drop charges as it's hard on him are not friends. Don't have contact with them alone.

Do you have a dedicated police officer or social worker who you can confide in about what they have said and what he is saying.

lousyatchoosingnames · 30/06/2023 16:29

Are your friends his flying monkeys? Honestly see it through, you owe it to yourself, your kids and him.

Joeylove88 · 30/06/2023 16:43

It sounds like you need new friends who prioritise you and your children being safe and not his horrific person being let off. I can't get my head around why they would think it's not worth prosecution! You have done the right thing never doubt yourself for a moment and I'm sorry for everything you had to go through. I hope you and your children can build a happy life without him in it!

Shatteredallthetimelately · 30/06/2023 16:43

How is he still able to contact you?
This...

Why are you even allowing him to send these threats?
Stop reading them and block him.

By retracting your statements you'll be sending out a message that you were fine with his behaviour, are sorry for reporting him and are happy in allowing him to continue.

If he decides he wants to kill himself that's his decision.
But TBH he probably has as much intention of killing himself as he did when he said he'd 'pull out' inorder for DC 2 to be conceived.

He's trying to control you and in calling off the charges you'll be enabling him.

Leave be and let the authorities deal with him.

GrumpyPanda · 30/06/2023 16:51

Lots of good advice above OP. Just to add, your AIBU was really unclear - you are asking if you would be unreasonable to withdraw the charges - so I'm almost certain both the yes and no votes are really saying one and the same. Please hold firm, it's the only sensible thing to do. You've shown so much courage and resilience already, you've been awesome!

Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 16:54

Please continue. You think his threats are bad, how bad is it going to be when he gets to have your kids on his own, use them against you and, god forbid, abuse them too? To me I would do ANYTHING to prevent that, and that would include going through with the prosecution.

Usernamen · 30/06/2023 17:03

Honestly? Let him kill himself.

Anyone who threatens suicide to manipulate a victim deserves to die.

Hollyppp · 30/06/2023 17:10

do not withdraw!! This needs to be on his record - he did these things!! How awful would it be if was walking around with no black marks on him free to do this to other women

FuckOffTom · 30/06/2023 17:13

Firstly, well done for getting yourself and your children away from this man.

Aside from all the great points raised, having a criminal conviction for DV will hopefully stop any other woman in the future being in that position with him.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/06/2023 18:34

IF you withdraw statements, you will be GIFTING him the ability to say:

'I did nothing wrong, see, she with drew her statements, I didn't get in trouble, because I didn't do anything wrong...'

You'll be giving him that on a fucking plate and he will use that to justify his behaviour, further his behaviour, towards you, your kids and anyone else he chooses.

Do not back down.

You are not criminalising him. He did that by comitting crimes against you AND your children.

Look at this as if you were reading about someone else. What would you say to her?

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/06/2023 18:36

Oh and yes, friends who tell you to drop the case... they are NOT your friends. Sounds like they are his friends.

He could have avoided this... by not abusing you, by not committing crimes. He chose to do what he did. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't anything you did... it was his CHOICE.

Do you really want him free to make such choices again, because he absolutely will.

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