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Original poster

AFFAIRS -HYPOCRISY -A MESS

67 replies

hypocrytebitch · 30/06/2023 08:30

I have been with DH for 15 years
I love him very much
About 8 years ago I had a 12 month sexual relationship with a bloke at work.
It was just about attention, ego boosting, excitement blah blah blah.
DH has no idea and I've been pretty ashamed of my behaviour and feel confident I would never do it again.
Fast forward to this year and I noticed a change in DH behaviour to me
Alarm bells deafened me and my gut screamed that he was having an affair.
I challenged him and he denied it
I felt awful for accusing him
A few weeks later and I just knew he was up to something
So I gathered the evidence and I was right. I found out her name, address and even that of her husband and children.
Long story short but he has now admitted to doing what I did but only for a few months
He says he doesn't know why he has done etc etc and has done all the usual stuff of begging for forgiveness, never do it again and from now we will be stronger than ever
He has told me that he knows I would never be unfaithful ( gulp) and he trusts me 100%
My issue is this, why is what he has done absolutely destroying me?
Why do I feel so betrayed ?
I feel like my marriage could be over because he has had an affair.
Why would I think it was okay for me to do it and justify it because it meant nothing but when I get a taste of my own medicine I am distraught
I had no idea that I was such a massive hypocrite and I hate myself
Please excuse typos I'm on the train and sobbing

OP posts:
LemonPeonies · 30/06/2023 09:03

Well it is hypocritical but no ones perfect. You could be honest about your affair and try and work it out, you can see from both points of view now so will be difficult but perhaps you could go to couples counselling if you both want to try and make it work.

Xeren · 30/06/2023 09:04

You’re feeling devastated about your DH’s affair because that’s a completely normal reaction regardless if you had your own affair or not.

The lies, the rejection, the feeling you’re going mad. Of course it hurts!

Morewineplease10 · 30/06/2023 09:14

When I discovered my ex's affair I felt compelled to tell him about a relatively small indiscretion on my part - he used it against me and refers to it now as my 'affair'. It was nothing of the sort and I really regret telling him.

So personally I'd keep quiet op, on the off-chance your marriage doesn't work out. Yours was a long time ago. You've processed it, why drag it up.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible. Perhaps you can draw on your experience to understand why he's done it.

I hope he genuinely wants to work it out with you and you can move on and be stronger as a couple - if thsts what you want.

bumblebee2235 · 30/06/2023 09:14

This is probably not right.. but if it was me I would leave and start a fresh. I would feel guilt for what I had done the whole way through, then betrayed and distrust on his part. So for me it would be ruined and I wouldn't be able to move past it. It would be too much for me to get over. It wouldn't be a case of sorting out one issue, it would be him earning my trust or vice versa, it would be sorting out too many entrenched issues on both sides.

Wicksytricksy · 30/06/2023 09:19

You're both shagging about so it's not really working is it? I'd just call it quits. At least you can blame his grubby affair instead of your own.

booksandbrews · 30/06/2023 09:31

Oof this is tricky. And your feelings are completely valid - your affair doesn’t wipe out his. I can really recommend the Reddit forum /asoneafterinfidelity - loads of people who are reconciling (or considering it) after infidelity and there are a few people there in this exact situation.

brunettemic · 30/06/2023 09:57

So you had an affair, which was longer than his and he doesn’t know. He had an affair and you know.

You feel betrayed, which is fine but you’re also safe in the knowledge you’ve done the same/worse (depending on your view of the timescales) and he doesn’t have to go through those feelings.

OhmygodDont · 30/06/2023 09:58

I think it’s time to call it quits tbh. I don’t think owning up at this stage would make anything better either.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/06/2023 10:00

No offence mate bit you're in no position to be getting super upset. You've already done the same to him.

Are you worried he'll actually leave for her or something?

Scienceadvisory · 30/06/2023 10:03

I think you should own up. Letting him think he is the only one to betray your marriage vows is wrong. You are just as bad as he is. Best to be completely honest with each other and then decide together whether to call time on the marriage or to work on it.

Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 10:03

Yes you are a hypocrit. I also do not really feel massively sorry for you - you did the same (or worse) and lied about it for years, some might say this is karma.

All that said, don't hang on to a marriage you dont' want to be in because of that. If you can't forgive him you need to leave, it's not fair to continue and keep punishing him (and lying about your own conduct).

5128gap · 30/06/2023 10:08

Because you know what it looks like. You know from your own affair how much you gave of yourself physically and emotionally to someone who wasn't your husband. You know how much you lied and deceived him and what a fool you made of him when he believed everything was normal. You cant forgive him because you think the behaviour is unforgivable and he's turned you into the victim.
There's posiibly also part of you that thinks you 'sacrificed' your affair for the marriage and its feels unjust that you're not being rewarded by a happy ever after. I mean, if he was going to have an affair, you might as well have carried on with your cake and eating it too, right?
You may also be a bit jealous of him getting to enjoy the excitement that's in the past for you.
Its complex, and unfortunately not as easy as 'we're quits now'.

Ladyoftheknight · 30/06/2023 10:08

You feel so strongly about it because you're clearly okay with what you did, so it's like it never happened. I think you need to be honest with him and work through this. You're even now, if you want to stay together you have to be open.

JogOn123 · 30/06/2023 10:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sealover123 · 30/06/2023 10:19

I would confess and be honest. It's not fair to make him think he's completely at fault. Then once he knows, ask - should we call it quits or work on our marriage? It's up to both of you to decide how to proceed with the full facts.

booktokbear · 30/06/2023 10:25

Thing is, if you own up now it's going to be even worse as you let him take all the shame on himself. I assume he'll be angry that you let him beg and promise when all along you were being a hypocrite. That will be hard to get round.

Maybe this isn't worth saving.

Babdoc · 30/06/2023 10:27

You have some options.

  1. agree to have an open marriage - that you are free to have a side dick and he can have the female equivalent, and neither of you will fuss about it.
  2. get divorced.
  3. have couples counselling to work out why you both decided to shag outsiders, then work on putting it right and being faithful in future. None of us here can tell you which option will work for you.
Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 10:29

5128gap · 30/06/2023 10:08

Because you know what it looks like. You know from your own affair how much you gave of yourself physically and emotionally to someone who wasn't your husband. You know how much you lied and deceived him and what a fool you made of him when he believed everything was normal. You cant forgive him because you think the behaviour is unforgivable and he's turned you into the victim.
There's posiibly also part of you that thinks you 'sacrificed' your affair for the marriage and its feels unjust that you're not being rewarded by a happy ever after. I mean, if he was going to have an affair, you might as well have carried on with your cake and eating it too, right?
You may also be a bit jealous of him getting to enjoy the excitement that's in the past for you.
Its complex, and unfortunately not as easy as 'we're quits now'.

I think this is probably spot on.

truthhurts23 · 30/06/2023 10:32

If you confess now you might as well just end the relationship ,
he will use it against you forever and he will even feel justified about his cheating

SquirrelFan · 30/06/2023 10:48

Don't tell him - you will just put him through what you are going through now. Try to put it all behind you and look forward, having learned your lesson.

Mayorquimby2 · 30/06/2023 10:52

Either call it a day or tell him.

I think it's another betrayal by you to allow this power dynamic to exist where you are the victim and he is prostrating himself to make it up to you when the reality is you were just as bad as him.

excelledyourself · 30/06/2023 10:53

God, OP. What a mess. Did you not think about how you would feel when you were digging?

You can't end the marriage and have him think it's all his fault.

I suppose a lot of it comes down to how you have reacted? Have you called him all the names under the sun and questioned him on how he could do this? Or have you just been upset, but otherwise calm, etc?

If the latter, perhaps you can tell him and decide together how to move forward.

If the former, then yes, he'll be angry at the hypocrisy, and rightly so.

But I think you need to tell him regardless.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/06/2023 11:01

You need to tell him what you did and together you need to figure out what's gone wrong here.

DollyTheFluffyOne · 30/06/2023 11:04

5128gap · 30/06/2023 10:08

Because you know what it looks like. You know from your own affair how much you gave of yourself physically and emotionally to someone who wasn't your husband. You know how much you lied and deceived him and what a fool you made of him when he believed everything was normal. You cant forgive him because you think the behaviour is unforgivable and he's turned you into the victim.
There's posiibly also part of you that thinks you 'sacrificed' your affair for the marriage and its feels unjust that you're not being rewarded by a happy ever after. I mean, if he was going to have an affair, you might as well have carried on with your cake and eating it too, right?
You may also be a bit jealous of him getting to enjoy the excitement that's in the past for you.
Its complex, and unfortunately not as easy as 'we're quits now'.

Perfect answer.

5128gap · 30/06/2023 11:06

I think realistically whether you will get past it will depend on your own experience of your affair. He's saying it meant nothing, he doesn't know why etc. Does that strike a chord? Did your affair also happen 'by accident'? Was it meaningless? Do you deeply regret it and feel more committed to your marriage than ever? Does what he's saying match your experience enough for you to relate and accept?
Or are you remembering how you deliberately crossed boundaries knowing where it would lead? Remembering that in fact the OM was not meaningless. You found him preferable to being faithful to your husband. You prioritised him and had feelings for him?
Obviously your husband's experience will be different from yours, but I think you'll find it hard not to project, and the more deliberate and intense your own affair the poorer the outlook for getting over his.