Page 3 | AFFAIRS -HYPOCRISY -A MESS

yipeeyiyay · 01/07/2023 13:47

Morewineplease10 · 30/06/2023 09:14

When I discovered my ex's affair I felt compelled to tell him about a relatively small indiscretion on my part - he used it against me and refers to it now as my 'affair'. It was nothing of the sort and I really regret telling him.

So personally I'd keep quiet op, on the off-chance your marriage doesn't work out. Yours was a long time ago. You've processed it, why drag it up.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible. Perhaps you can draw on your experience to understand why he's done it.

I hope he genuinely wants to work it out with you and you can move on and be stronger as a couple - if thsts what you want.

If he ever mentions it again tell him he must feel like a utter complete shit if the small thing you did was bad as he had a complete affair so he's obviously a cretin amongst cretins

ABugWife · 01/07/2023 17:57

I feel like you have to forgive him graciously and start fresh with a clean slate and not confess your affair - if you want to stay together.

If you can't do that and what a hypocrite that would make you, then be honest and split up.

Walesagogo · 29/07/2023 22:35

My guess is thats its simply that he has more to lose from separating than staying and some people prefer staying in an unhappy marriage than being alone. I've known some stay in a marriage for practical reasons such as having their laundry done, their meals cooked etc and not having to travel back and forth to see their dcs.
Or maybe he doesn't want to leave your dcs?
I think you'd probably know if he was having an affair from what you've said.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2023 22:47

I think you should go to couples counselling - you obviously love each other but crave the excitement or sex or whatever it is outside the relationship too- maybe you could explore an open relationship with rules or swinging or something like that? Or maybe it's out of both of your system?

I don't agree with pp saying throw it all away as you both seem quite similar people so you may be very well suited and if you can work out together what was at the root of these affairs starting you could come out the other side much stronger either returning to monogamy or with some kind of open relationship

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2023 22:48

Babdoc · 30/06/2023 10:27

You have some options.

agree to have an open marriage - that you are free to have a side dick and he can have the female equivalent, and neither of you will fuss about it.
get divorced.
have couples counselling to work out why you both decided to shag outsiders, then work on putting it right and being faithful in future. None of us here can tell you which option will work for you.

This

Jl2014 · 29/07/2023 23:54

The affair you had was in your control. You know how much of little it meant to you. The affair he has had is out of your control.

Things out of our control are more difficult to console.

I think you should keep your affair to yourself. Sharing that is only going to make things worse.

Gymnopedie · 30/07/2023 00:38

I will never tell him about what I did years ago as he would never be able to forgive me and we would divorce
He would see our last 8 years as a lie and no way would he want to save our marriage

Then you have to give yourself a damn good shake and work through his affair with him. Because the last 8 years HAVE been a lie, and he would be perfectly justified in divorcing. For the deception and the affair you had.

Personally I think it would be fairest to tell him and let things fall where they fall. If you love him as much as you say you do, then give him the respect of letting him know who he's been married to.

You say your affair meant nothing except:

About 8 years ago I had a 12 month sexual relationship with a bloke at work.
It was just about attention, ego boosting, excitement blah blah blah.

So why is his different and not OK? Why is his so serious it's marriage ending but yours was blah. I don't like your 'blah blah blah'. That sounds like you are completely convinced yours was trivial and what you've done is squared it in your own head. Stop and think about what you actually did.

Hawkins0001 · 30/07/2023 00:41

hypocrytebitch · 30/06/2023 08:30

I have been with DH for 15 years
I love him very much
About 8 years ago I had a 12 month sexual relationship with a bloke at work.
It was just about attention, ego boosting, excitement blah blah blah.
DH has no idea and I've been pretty ashamed of my behaviour and feel confident I would never do it again.
Fast forward to this year and I noticed a change in DH behaviour to me
Alarm bells deafened me and my gut screamed that he was having an affair.
I challenged him and he denied it
I felt awful for accusing him
A few weeks later and I just knew he was up to something
So I gathered the evidence and I was right. I found out her name, address and even that of her husband and children.
Long story short but he has now admitted to doing what I did but only for a few months
He says he doesn't know why he has done etc etc and has done all the usual stuff of begging for forgiveness, never do it again and from now we will be stronger than ever
He has told me that he knows I would never be unfaithful ( gulp) and he trusts me 100%
My issue is this, why is what he has done absolutely destroying me?
Why do I feel so betrayed ?
I feel like my marriage could be over because he has had an affair.
Why would I think it was okay for me to do it and justify it because it meant nothing but when I get a taste of my own medicine I am distraught
I had no idea that I was such a massive hypocrite and I hate myself
Please excuse typos I'm on the train and sobbing

Because sometimes that's the pickle with our emotions, sometimes we ourselves can dance, but then when others dance, it's holy trinity.
.i think it's partly that we expect our partners to always be faithful even if we ourselves stray and have affairs, but then as you say when they too have an affair it's how dare they etc

Hawkins009 · 31/07/2023 23:28

All the best

Deathbyfluffy · 31/07/2023 23:37

It’s unfair that you’d try and save your marriage while not telling him about your affair - you’re making him carry all the guilt when you’re just as bad (arguably worse for it going on longer).

Lampzade · 31/07/2023 23:40

5128gap · 30/06/2023 10:08

Because you know what it looks like. You know from your own affair how much you gave of yourself physically and emotionally to someone who wasn't your husband. You know how much you lied and deceived him and what a fool you made of him when he believed everything was normal. You cant forgive him because you think the behaviour is unforgivable and he's turned you into the victim.
There's posiibly also part of you that thinks you 'sacrificed' your affair for the marriage and its feels unjust that you're not being rewarded by a happy ever after. I mean, if he was going to have an affair, you might as well have carried on with your cake and eating it too, right?
You may also be a bit jealous of him getting to enjoy the excitement that's in the past for you.
Its complex, and unfortunately not as easy as 'we're quits now'.

This

1993GoToo · 31/07/2023 23:42

How are things @hypocrytebitch ?

Tannedandfake · 31/07/2023 23:43

hypocrytebitch · 01/07/2023 13:15

I will never tell him about what I did years ago as he would never be able to forgive me and we would divorce
He would see our last 8 years as a lie and no way would he want to save our marriage

Show quote history

Absolutely amazed at your response!
You need to tell him

monsteramunch · 01/08/2023 07:59

Hawkins009 · 31/07/2023 23:28

All the best

Just sharing as I know some people are unaware, you can watch threads and bookmark the most recent post you've read so when you come back to the thread you start from where you left it.

Just thought I'd share that as I noticed you often placemark with this post but using the watch function is quicker and also means you don't have to add one.

Not meant patronisingly, I just know some people don't know this feature is available

Hawkins009 · 01/08/2023 10:31

monsteramunch · 01/08/2023 07:59

Just sharing as I know some people are unaware, you can watch threads and bookmark the most recent post you've read so when you come back to the thread you start from where you left it.

Just thought I'd share that as I noticed you often placemark with this post but using the watch function is quicker and also means you don't have to add one.

Not meant patronisingly, I just know some people don't know this feature is available

Show quote history

Fair points, I must admit I do forget that feature, I'll try to use it more. Much appreciated for your assistance.

Frankola · 01/08/2023 12:08

Ooooo dear this is a right mess isn't it OP?

Just because you have had an affair yourself doesn't mean your feelings of betrayal are invalid. He has made a mistake here. As did you, but at the time you did it you obviously didn't think about how much it would hurt your DH to find out, and now you have because you're on the receiving end of it.

To me you have a couple of options.

1- if you can't get over it your divorce. But if you're going down that path it's only fair to come clean about your own actions

2 - Work through getting over it and sorting your marriage. Counselling is probably your best option

One silver lining is that you should be able to understand how bad he must feel for doing it. You should also be able to understand his motivations so maybe this whole process might be a bit gentler for you.

polkadotdalmation · 01/08/2023 18:54

You had carried,on your affair u til it ended, and seemed to be working on your marriage successfully until your DHs bombshell landed. However hard it is forgive him, and yourself and try to work again on the marriage. Don't ever tell him. If you feel the need to unburden your self and your guilt, don't. Guilt is the price you pay, but it's a less heavy price than the end of an otherwise good marriage, division of your family and misery all round.