Page 2 | AFFAIRS -HYPOCRISY -A MESS

Sartre · 30/06/2023 11:07

You feel this way because you’re human and this is a totally usual reaction to have when you have been betrayed, even if you once betrayed that person yourself.

Your marriage is over, both of you have cheated so neither of you are truly happy together.

CherryLipgloss · 30/06/2023 11:11

I'm not normally one for dragging up the past. But in this case I think you should tell him and go to counselling together to see if you forgive each other. Otherwise it will be very difficult to work through the stages of recovering from his infidelity (not an easy thing for a marriage) while knowing all the time that you have no real "right" to be angry and hurt (but you still are).

KarmaStar · 30/06/2023 11:15

Don't tell him that will achieve nothing.
But there is little to remain in this marriage for,you have both looked elsewhere for sex and excitement.
Also,you'll be living with an unfair secret,he will feel it's all because of his affair and you will have to keep quiet and say no you just don't think you are meant to be together.So much wasted energy.
If you still decide to remain together you'll have to get over his affair,work out why you are looking outside of your marriage for fun and work at having fun together.

KirstHD1 · 30/06/2023 11:18

I would not tell him about your affair. It was a long time ago and you have not strayed since. He sounds repentant. You might want to try marriage counselling. At least you will find out what drove him to have an affair with another woman. But don;t tell anyone you have had an affair

Jazzyjezzabelle · 30/06/2023 11:22

I think you felt comfortable in the relationship, that you could shag about but he’d never do that to you. Now you’ve realised he feels the same and doesn’t feel the relationship is all that, it’s devastated you. You’ve went from thinking you were in control to realising you are not.

Peachy2005 · 30/06/2023 11:28

You “might” forgive him but I doubt he’ll forgive you for the past affair, even though he’s just done the same thing.

Couples counselling and then decide whether to split up…but I think if you tell him, it’s going to be all over.

millymog11 · 30/06/2023 11:30

After you had your affair 8 years ago but did not tell your husband, you made a unilateral in your own head only decision that your affair was fine, it was as you explain it
"It was just about attention, ego boosting, excitement blah blah blah.
DH has no idea and I've been pretty ashamed of my behaviour and feel confident I would never do it again"
And for these above reasons (your own words) you justified yourself and your actions and decided on your own and at your own discretion that the marriage was fine, your husband was enough for you (after all your experimentation) and he did not need to know nor did he have any right to know and he must just carry on in the marriage with you in ignorance because that is what you wanted.

Now take the above scenario and reverse all the people. You expected your husband to be absolutely fine with the above scenario (even tho he did not know about it, nor did he have any choice in the matter).

You now have a choice.
(1) Accept your entire marriage basically since your own affair eight years ago has been a sham and a lie (because he did not know or have a choice, not necessarily because you cheated) and end it now
(2) Accept that you are in a better position now than he has been for the last 8 years because at least you actually know. And if you want to keep the marriage you tell him everything you did now, whilst also accepting that he can now walk away immediately as soon as he knows what you did 8 years ago.

People who cheat on their partners always apply double standards in my experience. Always.

Nesbi · 30/06/2023 11:42

I think he has to be told, otherwise:

1: Marriage breaks down, he has to live believing the narrative that it was all his fault and OP was blameless. That is horribly cruel - who here would want to be in his position?

2: Marriage survives, he has to live with the narrative that he fucked up but OP is blameless. The power dynamic is based on a festering lie. That is horribly cruel - who here would want to be in his place?

Palmfrond · 30/06/2023 11:55

KirstHD1 · 30/06/2023 11:18

I would not tell him about your affair. It was a long time ago and you have not strayed since. He sounds repentant. You might want to try marriage counselling. At least you will find out what drove him to have an affair with another woman. But don;t tell anyone you have had an affair

Why are people saying this? 7-8 years ago is not that long ago. If my DP had spent A YEAR(!!) fucking someone behind my back I would, naturally, flip my fucking lid, whether it was one year ago or twenty.

neverbeenskiing · 30/06/2023 12:06

My issue is this, why is what he has done absolutely destroying me?

Maybe because you thought you had the upper hand. You had your excitement, mid-life crisis, ego boost, whatever you want to call it...and once it was out of your system you thought you had something safe, secure and dependable waiting for you. You took it for granted that he wouldn't betray you the way you betrayed him, or maybe you thought he wouldn't have the option. Finding out that in his mind you were safe, dependable and predictable and he was craving a bit of excitement with someone else is likely a blow to your ego, as well as a betrayal.

Then there's the added layer of guilt, on top of the sadness and humiliation of being cheated on. Because even though what he's done is horrible, you know that allowing him to beg for forgiveness and berate himself for his failings, positioning yourself as the injured party and him as the bad guy is fundamentally dishonest. His affair doesn't cancel out your affair.
You both fucked up, but only one of you has had to face the music.

wavingtreetops · 30/06/2023 12:11

Wicksytricksy · 30/06/2023 09:19

You're both shagging about so it's not really working is it? I'd just call it quits. At least you can blame his grubby affair instead of your own.

This.

Except don’t blame his affair. Say it’s just not working. If you do leave tell him about your affair so he doesn’t need to live with the guilt of his behaviour ending it, when it’s clear there are deep problems in your relationship.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 30/06/2023 12:20

hypocrytebitch · 30/06/2023 08:30

I have been with DH for 15 years
I love him very much
About 8 years ago I had a 12 month sexual relationship with a bloke at work.
It was just about attention, ego boosting, excitement blah blah blah.
DH has no idea and I've been pretty ashamed of my behaviour and feel confident I would never do it again.
Fast forward to this year and I noticed a change in DH behaviour to me
Alarm bells deafened me and my gut screamed that he was having an affair.
I challenged him and he denied it
I felt awful for accusing him
A few weeks later and I just knew he was up to something
So I gathered the evidence and I was right. I found out her name, address and even that of her husband and children.
Long story short but he has now admitted to doing what I did but only for a few months
He says he doesn't know why he has done etc etc and has done all the usual stuff of begging for forgiveness, never do it again and from now we will be stronger than ever
He has told me that he knows I would never be unfaithful ( gulp) and he trusts me 100%
My issue is this, why is what he has done absolutely destroying me?
Why do I feel so betrayed ?
I feel like my marriage could be over because he has had an affair.
Why would I think it was okay for me to do it and justify it because it meant nothing but when I get a taste of my own medicine I am distraught
I had no idea that I was such a massive hypocrite and I hate myself
Please excuse typos I'm on the train and sobbing

You clearly shouldn’t be together given you’ve both had affairs! I’d tell him so the guilt isn’t all on him and split up.

NorthernLights5 · 30/06/2023 12:22

I honestly think anyone who would continue in the relationship with him thinking he's messed up the relationship and OP is blameless is a whole other level of evil. You'd genuinely have to be so so cruel to even consider doing that to someone.

People don't like hearing this but many times (not always) affairs are due to underlying issues within a relationship. You need to get to the bottom of those if you want to try and continue the relationship. That includes being honest though if many of the posters are to go by, you wont. Which is just awful, sick even.

Conkersinautumn · 30/06/2023 12:27

There's no.point in your marriage as its resting on a pile of lies. It's fairly non salvageable as you're both not exactly trustworthy going forward. The only chance would be based in honesty, but honesty will blow this out of the water

booksandbrews · 30/06/2023 12:53

Nesbi · 30/06/2023 11:42

I think he has to be told, otherwise:

1: Marriage breaks down, he has to live believing the narrative that it was all his fault and OP was blameless. That is horribly cruel - who here would want to be in his position?

2: Marriage survives, he has to live with the narrative that he fucked up but OP is blameless. The power dynamic is based on a festering lie. That is horribly cruel - who here would want to be in his place?

I agree with this. Either way, you both need to be honest about what’s happened. It will allow you to start moving forwards, either separately or together.

5128gap · 30/06/2023 13:12

NorthernLights5 · 30/06/2023 12:22

I honestly think anyone who would continue in the relationship with him thinking he's messed up the relationship and OP is blameless is a whole other level of evil. You'd genuinely have to be so so cruel to even consider doing that to someone.

People don't like hearing this but many times (not always) affairs are due to underlying issues within a relationship. You need to get to the bottom of those if you want to try and continue the relationship. That includes being honest though if many of the posters are to go by, you wont. Which is just awful, sick even.

Well he has messed up the relationship, hasn't he? He's indulged in a marriage breaking act. It's only pure chance the OP also has. Her guilt doesn't halve his. They are jointly and severally responsible for the whole of the guilt.
As for cruelty, I think in the scheme of things a failure to confess to an affair is small potatoes compared with the cruelty of actually having one. If you murder someone and admit it, they're no less dead than if you get away with it. He's every bit as bad as her, not some blameless victim of 'evil'.

neverbeenskiing · 30/06/2023 13:39

Well he has messed up the relationship, hasn't he? He's indulged in a marriage breaking act. It's only pure chance the OP also has. Her guilt doesn't halve his. They are jointly and severally responsible for the whole of the guilt.

But she's not taking her share of the responsibility.

I agree with you that her guilt doesn't halve his. But his affair doesn't absolve OP of her guilt either. They both indulged in the same "marriage breaking act", it's only pure chance that he got caught and she didn't. If she keeps quiet she will be knowingly allowing him to spend the rest of his life believing that

A.) His behaviour, and his alone, was responsible for the demise of the marriage and breaking the poor, blameless OP's heart.
B.) That his behaviour, and his alone, was responsible for putting the marriage at risk but the benevolent OP forgave him and he is forever in her debt.

Neither is the full truth.

Liv999 · 30/06/2023 13:48

I think you should call it quits, it's not a marriage if you've both cheated

Original poster

hypocrytebitch · 01/07/2023 13:15

Morewineplease10 · 30/06/2023 09:14

When I discovered my ex's affair I felt compelled to tell him about a relatively small indiscretion on my part - he used it against me and refers to it now as my 'affair'. It was nothing of the sort and I really regret telling him.

So personally I'd keep quiet op, on the off-chance your marriage doesn't work out. Yours was a long time ago. You've processed it, why drag it up.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible. Perhaps you can draw on your experience to understand why he's done it.

I hope he genuinely wants to work it out with you and you can move on and be stronger as a couple - if thsts what you want.

I will never tell him about what I did years ago as he would never be able to forgive me and we would divorce
He would see our last 8 years as a lie and no way would he want to save our marriage

OP posts:

Original poster

hypocrytebitch · 01/07/2023 13:17

Wicksytricksy · 30/06/2023 09:19

You're both shagging about so it's not really working is it? I'd just call it quits. At least you can blame his grubby affair instead of your own.

If we do split I would blame mine as well as his
If we do split I will tell him that it's not just his fault
We are both to blame

OP posts:

Original poster

hypocrytebitch · 01/07/2023 13:18

booksandbrews · 30/06/2023 09:31

Oof this is tricky. And your feelings are completely valid - your affair doesn’t wipe out his. I can really recommend the Reddit forum /asoneafterinfidelity - loads of people who are reconciling (or considering it) after infidelity and there are a few people there in this exact situation.

Thank you
I will look into this today

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 01/07/2023 13:21

@hypocrytebitch

If we do split I would blame mine as well as hisIf we do split I will tell him that it's not just his fault. We are both to blame

Do you mean that if you split you will tell him about your affair?

Original poster

hypocrytebitch · 01/07/2023 13:22

Thank you all for the varied comments, suggestions and advice

OP posts:

Original poster

hypocrytebitch · 01/07/2023 13:23

monsteramunch · 01/07/2023 13:21

@hypocrytebitch

If we do split I would blame mine as well as hisIf we do split I will tell him that it's not just his fault. We are both to blame

Do you mean that if you split you will tell him about your affair?

Yes I would tell him what I had done and that is splitting up isn't all down to his recent activity
I am also massively at fault

OP posts:

Gcsunnyside23 · 01/07/2023 13:33

hypocrytebitch · 01/07/2023 13:23

Yes I would tell him what I had done and that is splitting up isn't all down to his recent activity
I am also massively at fault

Show quote history

I think that's the best way you either forgive him, say nothing and move on (I think I would withhold some details if how long etc but that's just me so he doesn't hold it over me) or you call it quits and be honest so you can move on both fresh.
Youre upset because of course it's horrible but also because you might be realising the situation you were in and out the hurt and devastation yours could have caused for nothing