Brother’s wedding and children/stepchildren

[ChorltonCreamery]

I am the eldest of 4. Sister is married with kids same age as mine, brother married with a two year old but SiL has two from a previous relationship which was unhappy because of her ex’s controlling ways.

Her children are similar aged to mine and my sister’s. The boy’s behaviour is challenging to say the least especially if he is not the centre of attention. . My brother is just a big kid so plays with him all the time so I don’t think he realises what a problem this behaviour is.

The boy adores my father. One example is when brother visited, my father was out with the grandchildren. When he returned the boy had an absolute meltdown attacking my nephew.

My sister confessed that her husband ( he is not controlling or abusive in any way) said that his kids are no longer allowed to be in the same room as these children. Ironically this was because of an incident with the girl, who is very shy, hurting my niece.

So that’s the background.

Youngest brother is getting married in a couple of months. My niece is six and asked to be a flower girl ( not a brat but excited and her cousin and friend had been one) but future sister-in-law said the wedding was for ‘big people’. Upsetting as we would like a family wedding but not our wedding! It is totally up to them.

My sister did ask SiL to clarify that it was child free stressing that no more would be said etc. Well it turns out her nephews will be there and her cousin’s toddler/ Goddaughter was flower girl.
My brother is making it child free as he thinks our elder brother would bring his stepchildren and chaos would ensue.

Essentially our children can’t go to brother’s wedding as he refuses to confront our other brother over his stepson’s behaviour.

If this was your brother would you say anything?

But the brother getting married is the one who has made this decision, so he is the only one you can raise it with.

Either you tell him how you feel or you keep your feelings quiet.

Genuinely I don’t have issues with the other kids being there. SiL is perfectly entitled to have her nephews there.

Then why bring it up

You and your sister should talk to your brother, the one who is getting married. Explain that it's not right to invite young children from the bride's family but none from the groom's family. Tell him that you are hurt that he's punishing you all for your brother's step children's shitty behaviour.

He should invite his nephews and nieces, but not the abusive step niece and nephew who hurt other children. Ask him if he will consider this because you and sister probably won't be able to come to the wedding otherwise.

This is their event.

Its ridiculous that people feel entitled to be angry about someone else's event.

Sounds like your brother doesn't want to leave one child out. Sounds fair enough to me.

It might be absolutely fair. Say there's room for 50 guests and she's chosen her 25 and he's chosen his 25 and the kids haven't made the cut on his side as he wants his mate Gary from down the pub instead

Then there nothing you can do about it - it isn't anyone else's fault, it's the brother getting married who organises the guest list!

In which he's entitled to make his decision but can't expect to be immune from the consequences of making it.

Just say you have no one to babysit the kids so you won't be able to attend. Step away from everything else. I wouldn't attend if kids weren't invited as I have no babysitters. Even more so to a family wedding where my babysitters would be attending anyway.

Let your brother get on with it. He will regret it when his family cannot attend.

Then there would be drama and accusations that the step kids are not considered to be family.
I'm so glad I eloped.

Because they’re using the excuse of it’s a child free wedding to exclude the disruptive step children unless I’ve completely misunderstood.

Can you think of a way that he can invite your children and exclude the stepchildren of his brother without causing offence or singling them out? I don’t think it’s possible and so while I understand it’s upsetting, it does appear to be the least upsetting way forward which means all his brothers and sisters attend and still speak to him afterwards so I can see why he’s chosen this route.

Someone is going to have to say something because it will become very clear when you all turn up on the day (if you do indeed go!)

You said he'd be happy to have the other children there if the step son wasn't invited but then said you don't feel comfortable having the conversation so are you just assuming thats the reason?

He could tell his brother that he doesn't want those 2 children at his wedding because they've assaulted his nieces and nephews. That's a legitimate reason not to invite them. He should still invite his nieces and nephews.

I don't think that thread has anything to do with OPs current situation.

You have a coward in the family.

Your brother is doing the right thing, he can’t exclude 2 children in the family. This is the least worst way of dealing with a bad situation

Don’t make an already difficult situation worse by trying to change his mind. It won’t have been an easy decision, but he’s made it, so you need to accept it.

I have been in your shoes. Unless you all have a talk about the step sons behavior set down rules this will only get bigger and bigger until there is a rift you can't fix in your family. Yes the boy has issues and that is sad however the rest of you don't have to allow it to ruin get together and events and simply visits

Ah yes, why have a quiet chat when you can make it a big event with the whole family there.

You're a right drama llama. Stay away from the wedding and let them have a nice day.

Have a quiet word with your brother- he's your close relative so you should both be able to have an open conversation hopefully.

Explain you're hurt and it's really
h upsetting his nieces and nephews get left out because of hisstep-child. Your dc are blood relatives abd the other child isn't.

He either tells your other brother why his step-son can't go or tells him he must take him home if he acts up-How old is he and how actually bad is he?

In my family it'd be deeply frowned upon to leave family children out, not least if it was all because of a step-child's disruptive behaviour.

Read this again 6 months on (thanks whoever dragged it up again). I can't understand who is who but this time I'm confused about who the SIL is.