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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My wedding and Brother-in-Law’s relationship

64 replies

ChorltonCreamery · 23/09/2018 10:07

I am a long time lurker.
My DP’s brother is lovely; he is kind, generous and incredibly funny but never really had a career. He either has a job that matches his qualifications and becomes overwhelmed or he has a dead end job. I would suspect he has mild anxiety. He refuses to fly. His partner is a bit long-suffering, not enjoying life as much as she could ( in spite of her good career)if there was a bit more money or if he flew.
I like her but rarely see her. If I see her with friends she just waves at me, I made an effort so the kids would be close but she wasn’t interested.
Well DP and BiL have had an unexpected inheritance and we are finally tying the knot.We were going to tell everyone over a meal.
Well I bumped into Sister-in-Law. She was transformed,happy, friendly and excited BiL was spending his inheritance on taking her on a cruise to the States.....our wedding right in the middle of this holiday!
My DP told his brother about the clash. Now both my DP and I would be devastated if they weren’t there but at NO point did he ask him to change his trip but he did! SiL has now kicked him out and the relationship is over.
How would you proceed? Do we say anything? Do I approach her? BiL is off work and MiL thinks he is having breakdown.
We feel beyond guilty. The date is so far in advance we didn’t think to ‘clear’ it with family.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/09/2018 10:12

Take a deep breath!

You haven't caused anything, you've done nothing wrong.

If she has ended their relationship over this then there is more going on, as you have hinted, and it is her decision. She is an adult. She can decide what she wants.

Your BIL can also decide what he wants. If he chooses his DBs wedding and would cancel/change his holiday arrangements for it then that is his decision to make.

So don't feel guilty. Just support BIL in talking about it and deciding how he wants to proceed.

Singlenotsingle · 23/09/2018 10:12

Surely either you or they could rearrange the dates, if it's so important?

And it sounds as though BIL's relationship wasn't that strong in the first place if she could end it over something that can be put right so easily!

Crabbitstick · 23/09/2018 10:13

Sounds like she was ready to end things and your wedding stuff isn't really the issue.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2018 10:18

I agree, it sounds to me as if she was counting on this cruise being the ONE positive change to their relationship, make or break - and he flunked it.

It's not to do with you. If the relationship was good then it wouldn't falter for this; if it was bad then truly, what's really been lost?

trojanpony · 23/09/2018 10:20

If she has ended their relationship over this then there is more going on

This with bells on.

Santaclarita · 23/09/2018 10:23

It's nothing to do with you. Him cancelling the holiday was the last straw for her I guess, so the relationship wasnt strong. If it was she could understand that it needed moved.

Although had you booked anything for your wedding or just picked a date? If it was just picked a date the wedding could have been moved really, but if no one talks to each other then no plans can be made.

JennyHolzersGhost · 23/09/2018 10:28

Not quite clear on the rationale here. Is she angry because she thinks he is using the wedding as a way of chickening out of a trip that involves flying, because he regrets booking it but can’t say so directly ?
If so I can’t really see what it’s got to do with you tbh. Can’t you just be supportive to him and not turn this into a drama about yourselves ?

Johndoe10 · 23/09/2018 10:32

I agree, it sounds to me as if she was counting on this cruise being the ONE positive change to their relationship, make or break - and he flunked it

This.

EscapeTheCastle · 23/09/2018 10:38

I wonder if it's a transatlantic crossing? There are only fixed dates when they happen, it's not like you can reschedule the holiday for a week later.

I wonder if the BIL was just too casual about wanting to cancel the holiday and it was the final straw for your SIL?

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2018 10:39

It definitely sounds like she wasn't happy anyway with him. It's not your fault she broke up with him.

Fireworks91 · 23/09/2018 10:42

If you'd only just got the inheritance couldn't you have changed the wedding? Sounds like she was at the end of her tether, I'd make contact and try to have a conversation.

Sciurus83 · 23/09/2018 10:47

You haven't caused this at all, it's way bigger than this date clash

Awrite · 23/09/2018 10:47

Sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

It would have been something else if she'd truly had enough. Nothing to do with your wedding really.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/09/2018 10:47

I would just make sure you’re supporting him.

It’s not your fault.

A simple thing that helped my when deeply depressed was someone taking me out for a drive, just to change my environment. The option to talk or just say nothing. You don’t have to get dressed in anything in particular or even shower. Just get in the car.

I’m not saying this will work for him but I found it a good starting point. To not feel you would be judge for your neglected appearance or to summon the energy to converse.

Goldmandra · 23/09/2018 10:56

Anxiety that prevents you from doing a job that matches your qualifications and restricts your holidays isn't mild. It sounds like he really struggles and that's hard to live with.

You haven't done anything wrong but you may not understand the impact his anxiety has on his ability to function.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 10:58

Let her go - she was stuck in a relationship with a man who did not make her happy and she finally has left - because for the first time he was doing something for her and then he changed it for your wedding (and I have to say you didnt need to ask him too - you do need to own that bit the fact that you went straight to him after finding out and would be devastated if he wasnt there. What did you think he would do. He clearly isnt capable of discussing it sensibly so went straight to cancelling the trip).

Looking back I would have approached her first. BUT I think she is much better off out of this relationship so leave her well alone

MissingSummer · 23/09/2018 11:00

Did either of you know about each other's dates before booking your respective things?

BlueJava · 23/09/2018 11:00

So the SIL broke off with your BIL because he wanted to change the date of a holiday? The fact that it was because of your wedding is beside the point. That's ridiculous. I assume your BIL and SIL aren't married - may be she is jealous about your marriage? Or he's difficult in other ways and this was the final straw.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 11:05

BlueJava the OP says this

My DP’s brother is lovely; he is kind, generous and incredibly funny but never really had a career. He either has a job that matches his qualifications and becomes overwhelmed or he has a dead end job. I would suspect he has mild anxiety. He refuses to fly. His partner is a bit long-suffering, not enjoying life as much as she could ( in spite of her good career)if there was a bit more money or if he flew.

So I think you can see why she did it - he had finally done something to make her happy and then he simply shuts it down straight away with no discussion.

She is far better of out if it and would only be wanted back to look after him and make sure he doesnt have a breakdown

Feefeetrixabelle · 23/09/2018 11:07

I think he should cut his losses there. She was probably waiting until after she got a free cruise to dump him but didn’t want to hold out a bit longer. He’s had a lucky escape

Emilizz34 · 23/09/2018 11:09

You haven’t caused this at all. From your op, it sounds like the relationship is a difficult one. If your bil and his partner were never able to go on a break involving airline travel then their holidays were possibly very limited or non existent . This cruise may have been the only thing that his partner had to look forward to and she was probably upset that he cancelled without consulting her.
Don’t blame yourself . If the breakup hadn’t happened now , it would have happened over something else . Don’t cancel your wedding

magoria · 23/09/2018 11:17

If she has helped and supported him for years it may as others say just be the final straw for her.

At the back of the pile again with no care or thought given to how she feels. Everyone else more important.

You and his family can only be there for him and pick up the pieces.

Let her go and look after herself first and not have to put him first for a change.

Petalflowers · 23/09/2018 11:32

Have a great wedding!

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 23/09/2018 11:39

I’ve looked at the Queen Mary to New York next August... this would be a major bucket list holiday for me and I imagine that would be amplified if I had a DP who didn’t fly.

If that DP then cancelled on me, i think it would make me rethink the relationship but in broader terms. It’s OK to have different priorities, but it doesn’t always work in a relationship.

If SIL has had enough, even if you were to change your wedding date to accommodate their holiday, I suspect they wouldn’t stay together. As said, so often on here, he’s shown her who he is. And she doesn’t like it.

SalemBlackCat · 23/09/2018 11:41

SIL sounds like a greedy, self-absorbed bitch to be honest, and she wasn't 'transformed' when you saw her, she was simply excited that her husband was spending his money on a cruise for her. Her true colours came out, and my sympathy for your poor BIL who has clearly put up with a lot of her abuse and negativity, only for her to up and flee when she gets her way. No doubt once his money ran out, SIL would have ran out, anyway. Your husband did nothing wrong, he wasn't to know his brother booked a cruise. It is the SIL that is the selfish bitch.

Be there to support your BIL as it seems he really needs it after his ex showed her true colours. At least now BIL can spend his inheritance on himself, sounds like the poor guy needs it.

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