DC (6) friend keep joining the clubs I send my DC to for some independence!

[Throwaway9876]

My DC (6) is fairly typical, but a new child joined their class this year and they quickly became firm friends. It’s a nice little friendship and I do like the child a lot. However, my DC entirely dropped all of their existing friends and these two now have a very close relationship as a pair, but with no other friends at all in their class.

There’s little more I can do about this in school, the teachers already don’t allow them to pair up for behaviour reasons (they’d just chat rather than work, so not terrible behaviour).

Although the other child is nice enough, I’m concerned at the lack of social interaction with other kids and that my DC is now dependent on this one friend.

I’ve therefore sent them to a lot of extra-curricular clubs so that they have socialisation outside of this relationship, but the friend keeps joining these too! I assume my DC is telling them enough information and even asking them to join.

I know I don’t have the right to dictate who can do what, but I’m so cross that my efforts to have my DC do something independently keep being thwarted! I’m now looking to move time/location in two of these clubs and I’d be furious if the friend followed.

YANBU: Put my big girl pants on and speak with the other Mum to explain I WANT the children to do some things separately.

YABU: It’s a free world!

It’s annoying but you can’t talk to the other mum, I think it would come over very badly

If the other child is saying to their partner that your kid is getting to do xy or z outside of school and they want the chance to do that to you are putting that parent in an awful position having to say no to something that they want to try because your kid has told them that it is fun.

are there any other kids you can invite for play dates on free evenings. Just tell your kid that you are looking after so and so tonight -I’m sure there’s a parent out there who would appreciate it!

its a tricky one. Do you have any mummy friends with children of a similar age who you could arrange play dates with?

You will come across as VERY unreasonable if you say anything. How is the child finding out the specific clubs?! Are they all through school?

Why do you feel the need to control your child's friendships to this extent?

Sorry I think you'd look like a right tool if you spoke with the child's mum.

The child is new to the class and has instantly made a connection with your child. You can't be that over protective of your child, let them go and make friendships and socialise themselves. He's 6! Leave them be.

It’s annoying but I wouldn’t say anything to the mum. I’d also try and have playdates with other children to encourage those friendships

From the OP: I assume my DC is telling them enough information and even asking them to join.

I understand your annoyance at this. Not sure what you can do other than maybe change times and hope the other child can’t switch too! You can’t tell your DC to keep her activities secret.

I understand your concerns, but I think realistically, they’re 6, and the best course of action is to leave them to it. If they’re happy with how things are at the moment…then that’s that. Friendships ebb and flow and change when they’re little, so i would step back and let them figure it out for themselves. If you want to do anything, then like a pp has said, maybe organise some play dates with other friends, who they’re not S close to anymore. But with this clubs issue, I don’t think there’s much you can do without it coming across really badly

Yabu

Because it isn’t good for a child to drop their friends due to the influence of one person. If the child had only ever had one friend at school that would be different but here, OP’s DC had multiple friends until this child arrived. My DD had a friend who wanted DD exclusively- this wasn’t good for her, so I encouraged her to get the girl to join in with DD’s friend group more of the time, and taught her it was ok to say no to the girl sometimes if DD wanted to play with others instead.

I don’t think you can stop them joining. Is it possible to talk to the club organisers and ask that they perhaps put them in different teams/groups/pairs etc. Obviously this depends on the activity.

Same happened here. It was super annoying. But you cannot talk to the other mum, without offending her. It's none of your business. A hobby/club is public, you cannot control people. Just let it go.

If your child is happy and not bothered that to me is the only thing that matters

@RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime - but the OP hasn't said any of that.

I don't think there's anything unusual about children wanting to have a best friend at the age of 6.

Because it’s not helpful to put all your eggs in one friendship basket. What happens if the friend moves, and the original child, having dumped all their previous friends, finds themselves isolated?

OP, I had this when my son was in reception year. He was super sociable and had lots of friends. A friend from an outside group he knew joined the school, along with another child. Soon they started actively trying to prevent him from playing with his other friends. I spoke to the teacher about it, so she could keep them separate during class time, and I just had lots of play dates with other children. I also taught my son that it was ok to say ‘no’, and continue playing with other friends.

It took a while, but worked. Eventually the other two children just split off on their own. The main friend then left the school, leaving the other child completely isolated and it took him a couple of years to reinsert himself back into the various friendship groups.

Try for a club that’s harder to access without careful planning, for eg cubs. Also, talk to the hobby clubs and see if the children can be put into separate groups.

I wouldn't be happy if I was trying to expand the circle of friends.

You have summer holidays coming up, so this could be a good time to meet up with others.

But don't discourage this friendship, it could be one that lasts decades and if your child is happy then go with it.

I’m not trying to stop the other child doing anything, I just don’t want my own child to have no social interaction with other children because of it.

I’m happy to move my child to a different group (further away, less convenient) to let them have some opportunity to actually try making other friends.

At the minute, DC would not even entertain speaking to another child if their best friend was there which is hardly healthy or developmentally appropriate.

There’s a few kids that we could invite over and we do, but it’s super awkward and DC just keeps asking for their best friend in front of the other child…. this is why we were making such an effort to find new groups!

But we don't know that this kid is preventing the OP's child from hanging with other kids! I presume the OP's kid is encouraging the kid to join the same activities and clubs. If they were trying to get away, they wouldn't tell them surely?

None, unfortunately. I’m friends with other school mum’s but all the kids there now really know they’re not who my DC wants and my DC has no qualms telling them that they’d rather have their best friend over….

None are school clubs, they’re all driving distance away and with other similar groups available at different places/times.

This could have been my child a few years ago a new child joined the class him and my son became fast friends ds is neurodiverse and behind his peers when it came to playing and making friends finally it seemed to be working out they played together lots got into a bit of trouble messing about (drawing on each other) the school were really promoting this friendship putting them together all the time however it became clear mum wasn't happy with this and despite her child wanting to work and play with mine she changed his class then his entire school I often wonder why someone would take against a friendship so much for no reason

This is exactly the situation - DC was sociable with a bunch of kids until the new best friend arrived, now they both are so socially dependent on each other they won’t function without the other…

I think you understand (unlike other people responding) that I’m not out to end the friendship, just trying to make sure DC has other independent opportunities to develop social skills and friendships.

If the children treat each other well as friends and there’s no power dynamic then I think YABU to intervene in their friendship.
I met my best friend at primary school and we are like sisters. My DM didn’t like the look of it so forced me to go to the same secondary school as my older siblings which was different to my friend’s school. I spent the entire time waiting for school to end so I could join them in college. We’re closer than ever as adults.
I don’t think your DC will thank you later if you come between them.

She's only 6, friendships will come and go, if she was fairly sociable before this friend came along, chances are she will be again. Just let it run its course.

My dd was friends with 3 other girls in primary school, they were all inseparable, 2 months into secondary school and they barely spoke to each other.