DC (6) friend keep joining the clubs I send my DC to for some independence!

[Throwaway9876]

My DC (6) is fairly typical, but a new child joined their class this year and they quickly became firm friends. It’s a nice little friendship and I do like the child a lot. However, my DC entirely dropped all of their existing friends and these two now have a very close relationship as a pair, but with no other friends at all in their class.

There’s little more I can do about this in school, the teachers already don’t allow them to pair up for behaviour reasons (they’d just chat rather than work, so not terrible behaviour).

Although the other child is nice enough, I’m concerned at the lack of social interaction with other kids and that my DC is now dependent on this one friend.

I’ve therefore sent them to a lot of extra-curricular clubs so that they have socialisation outside of this relationship, but the friend keeps joining these too! I assume my DC is telling them enough information and even asking them to join.

I know I don’t have the right to dictate who can do what, but I’m so cross that my efforts to have my DC do something independently keep being thwarted! I’m now looking to move time/location in two of these clubs and I’d be furious if the friend followed.

YANBU: Put my big girl pants on and speak with the other Mum to explain I WANT the children to do some things separately.

YABU: It’s a free world!

YANBU to feel annoyed but you would be unreasonable to act on it in anyway.

i get where you are coming from. My kids have some friends who stick to them like glue and then dominate their diaries a bit more than I’d like. I just hope it all blows over

It’s definitely at an unhealthy level in the sense that if the BF could be there and isn’t it’s always “where is xxx” and telling other kids they don’t want to play with them.

We did find some solace in the first few weeks of activities when DC went alone and didn’t expect BF to be there - they actually went off to play with others happily!

I’m sort of hoping summer can be a bit of a reset TBH, both families are away at different times so not a huge amount of time for play dates with each other.

I think this is a bit odd too, and it does seem like that parent is pushing the friendship too hard. A couple of the clubs are understandable (the most local option) but others aren’t and there’s obviously been effort and Googling to find which place runs certain activities at what days….

I do wonder if the BF school move was due to their DC having no friends and that they’re just desperate to keep this friendship going. I don’t want to ruin the friendship but my DC needs some space as I’m definitely starting to feel the pairing is unhealthy for both kids!

That’s a good idea - they’re going into year 3 so really do need to “grow up”.

I don't think it's normal that your child is complaining in the face of other children that s/he'd rather be playing with Best Friend and genuinely wouldn't want to go to school if that person wasn't there. And I'm saying that as someone who had two v close friends in nursery/primary and didn't socialise much with the others (went to birthday parties etc but not round to their houses 1:1).

Sounds almost like they're afraid without them?

I dunno what clubs they're in but are they the sort of thing where they'll be sorted into groups and teams (like a sports club or drama etc, brownies) for tasks? The club leaders should be able to make sure they're having to talk to other kids.

Have you actually told your child that it's rude to ignore all the other children (or say outright that they only want to talk to BF)? I don't think they're too young to understand.

I've had this with my daughter this year. She has one best friend and they get on great but they both go to the same football club, swimming lessons etc and are always in each others pockets. I signed my DD up for a drama class and it was lovely and she made lots of new friends, then one week guess who showed up? Now my DD has ditched all her new friends and is stuck like glue to her bestie at drama too 🙈

This happened to two friends of mine with girls aged about 7.
After two years, in desperation, the mother who wanted independence for her daughter and had no choice but to move schools.

The quieter girl became smothered by the strong character of the other girl. Both are lovely girls, but the dynamic was wrong.

The other girl had infiltrated every single activity, break time and possible friendships that couldn't be formed.

Once that break was established they did meet up for normal play dates.

The solution worked well.

Honestly, just leave them to it! They are six. It makes me sad when adults impose their own view of how many friends a child should have and how sociable they should be based on their own ideals.

Your child is learning social skills. They have a good close friendship and that is all some people need. In any case, that will most likely change over time and your child will need to adapt their social skills to deal with it.

FWIW, my daughter had a very close, exclusive friendship when she as in reception to year 3. The other mum didn't like the exclusive nature of their friendship although similar to you, she had nothing against it per se (i.e the dynamic was fine). So she used to try and invite other children over to their house and leave my daughter out and it caused issues which was hard to watch. But they always gravitated back to each other. Anyway, the other child left at the end of year 3 but we kept in touch sporadically (they are now 17). Turns out the both my daughter and her daughter have autism and the other mum said how it's no wonder that they gravitated towards each other when they were little as they are both so similar even now in how their autism affects them.

I would just be grateful that your child has found someone that they click with as not everyone is that lucky.

If it’s impacting their learning at both school and clubs, and also stopping any development of other friendships it’s not healthy really.

I’m not trying to get in the way of their friendship, I just don’t want it to be impacting every single area of my DCs life - if the friendship ends it’d be a nightmare at school and at every single club.

I’ve tried to avoid making it anyone’s “fault” or blaming anyone, but in reality the other child is the more controlling and outgoing child and my DC follows and I have no doubt that my DC would struggle more if they were “dropped” after being told by this child they can’t be friends with anyone else if they want to say friends with BF.

My child is definitely not learning social skills with this child - they both act like they’re 3/4. They definitely need to realise how to act age appropriately and they will not learn this from each other if neither socialises with no one else.

This sounds a bit like us, but I’m desperate not to move schools if at all possible - my child integrated great and achieved really well for 2 years before this and the school is a 2 minute walk from our house.

I would have said I don’t want to move DC from their other friends, but now they don’t have any!

This is what I’m worried about - it’s not a normal “best friend” dynamic where it’s a preference, but instead a total inability to get on with others if BF should be there but isn’t.

I don’t think it’s scared per se - they manage fine at new clubs when they don’t expect BF there, it’s only if they know they will/should be there that this happens. I don’t quite know how to describe it.

I find it odd that the parents of these other children are either oblivious to op trying to do stuff on their own or actually wants to shove them together the whole time. You’d think they would have the same concerns?

Dd1 was best friends with my friends Dd when they started school as they were both so young for their year they genuinely didn’t realise they could be friends with anyone else! Neither was dominating though and by 6 ish were part of a nice wider group.

@Clymene yes the OP did say that However, my DC entirely dropped all of their existing friends and these two now have a very close relationship as a pair, but with no other friends at all in their class.

As this child joined the class from another school and this didn’t involve a house move, I do wonder whether friendships were an issue as it seems like this friendship has got way too intense and is seemingly encouraged and almost protected by the Mum (by not even allowing my child any space to mingle with others even out of school).

I really hope this isn’t the case, because if it’s down to a parent I don’t think there’s any option but to move schools.

I am friendly enough with the Mum due to our kids, but not particularly close.

I’m glad it worked out for your DD.

My story is almost the opposite, a nice bunch of about 6 friends before the BF started and now no longer friends with the group at all and only friends with BF.

I think if you can move to a different swim class or something that is a good idea. I’ve kept quiet about DS going to beavers, there’s 4 in our town and I know if I broadcast it then it’ll end up with half his class in his group and it’s good for him to have an opportunity to mix with others.

It’s lovely to have a best friend, it’s not lovely to be socially isolated or to mess about in activities and not learn anything.

I actually would speak to the mum about it, you can do it in a friendly way, especially as it seems to be impacting both boys.

I’ve not been sharing but I presume my DC is mentioning it, and there’s nothing to be gained by telling them not to as it’ll sound really malicious if a parent gets a third hand retelling.

I think I’ll move the swimming lesson then mention how well it’s going at the next activity we’re at where parents stay, making it very clear that I think DC is making such good progress when he’s in a group with no one he knows and pays attention.

Thank you for all the opinions and suggestions, keep them coming!

Other parent - if you’re reading this I do like you and your DC, I just want to make sure everything isn’t too focussed on just one friendship that impacts absolutely everything in my DC’s life even when they’re not there!

I think the personality and vocabulary change and being less sociable since getting a new friend is concerning. I'd try and minimise contact with new friend over the summer. If the school this child was at before is a local school and they've not moved school due to a house move I'd try and find out more from contacts at that school

There's nothing you can do, but I get that it's annoying.

I would focus on playdates with other DCs in the class. Maybe invite the mum round too at the same time. Arrange to do play in the park etc with other DCs on the weekend. When your DC is having fun with others (and they likely will) they will see that different friends bring different things to their life.

I would also move to different activity group further away, as your DC is unlikely to know the exact location, so they can't say to friend "it's the X activity group on the road next to the post office" or whatever clearly identifiable group it is, so the friend (or their mum) can't easily find it without asking you. If they do ask you directly, hedge it a bit and say it's a bit out of the way and you're not sure you're continuing, in fact you're looking at moving to (insert nearby different activity) instead. Be a bit flaky about the details or "Course, I'll let you know". (then don't). Just as they don't need your permission to join a group your DC attends, you don't have to be completely transparent about where you go and what you do.

Sorry it was the second bit of your post I was referring to:

My DD had a friend who wanted DD exclusively- this wasn’t good for her, so I encouraged her to get the girl to join in with DD’s friend group more of the time, and taught her it was ok to say no to the girl sometimes if DD wanted to play with others instead.

This is not the same situation at all. While I agree the focus on this child to the exclusion of not enjoying an activity or school unless their friend is there, the other child doesn't seem to be jealously guarding her son. That's not to say it's a healthy dynamic though as the OP has explained in her subsequent posts!

I'm confused, how are they going into year 3 if they are 6?

If they have summer birthdays they would be turning before the start of Y3, so 6 now.

Yea I did think that after I posted, considering my birthdays august I should have realised !

Summerborn kids…. They’re currently year 2 and will be 7 in the summer holidays before they start year 3.