DC (6) friend keep joining the clubs I send my DC to for some independence!

[Throwaway9876]

My DC (6) is fairly typical, but a new child joined their class this year and they quickly became firm friends. It’s a nice little friendship and I do like the child a lot. However, my DC entirely dropped all of their existing friends and these two now have a very close relationship as a pair, but with no other friends at all in their class.

There’s little more I can do about this in school, the teachers already don’t allow them to pair up for behaviour reasons (they’d just chat rather than work, so not terrible behaviour).

Although the other child is nice enough, I’m concerned at the lack of social interaction with other kids and that my DC is now dependent on this one friend.

I’ve therefore sent them to a lot of extra-curricular clubs so that they have socialisation outside of this relationship, but the friend keeps joining these too! I assume my DC is telling them enough information and even asking them to join.

I know I don’t have the right to dictate who can do what, but I’m so cross that my efforts to have my DC do something independently keep being thwarted! I’m now looking to move time/location in two of these clubs and I’d be furious if the friend followed.

YANBU: Put my big girl pants on and speak with the other Mum to explain I WANT the children to do some things separately.

YABU: It’s a free world!

Oh i completely get it OP! I was in the same situation and i spoke to the mum and asked her not to change the daughters class to the same one as my daughter, i said it more along theblinea of i don't want her doing the club with anyone from her class if possible as want her to meet new people. I said if she wanted a specific time class then that was fine, but i would be moving my daughter to a different one

Are there any hobbies you and your husband do that you could get her involved in too? Infrequent hobbies that require parental engagement that her friend can't just tag along to? if not maybe do more stuff as a family. Also talk to your daughter about it being good to have more than 1 friend and not dropping her other friends. A friendship age 6 is unlikely to last but ensure the other girl isn't being controlling

This

I’m absolutely not looking to do this, the school arrangement is fine (teachers agree no working together due to silliness, but playtimes they play together exclusively).

They do some activities together outside of school (2 activities), but I’ve since signed DC up to 4 more and BF has followed them to all! These aren’t obscure clubs either, so lots of other options.

What I’m feeling frustrated about is the lack of opportunity for my child to be with kids without this child. My child is also behind socially and by BF always being at the same places is lacking opportunities to talk with others and learn social skills.

I’m not against the friendship at all, just don’t want it to be at the detriment of absolutely everything else.

Age 6 is such a young age. I had a best friend at this age who I had no contact with after I left primary school (and it had faded anyway). No argument, nothing personal, we just drifted apart as kids do. I think the worst thing you can do is discourage this friendship. Your DS won’t understand. Why not just let him have his best friend? I’m sure at school he does play with other kids in the wider sense. My DD has two best friends at school that she only wants to play with. I think it’s really harmless and a natural part of growing up.

Yanbu to feel annoyed but I don’t think there is much you can do. At age 6 I think the friendship has the possibility to end as quickly as it began! Kids are fickle!

I think if you have a good relationship with the other mum it is fine to say "I want Little Jimmy to do this one by himself - he'll just piss around and learn nothing if he goes with a friend."

I mean I hope it's ok because I've done it several times now. Nobody has told me I'm being a dick so far.

It’s been going strong since October and I’m not trying to dissuade the friendship, just want other options to socialise for my child.

The two are so interdependent on each other they both miss any opportunity to develop skills and honestly both act very young for their age as it is acceptable to them (and it’s starting to make other kids actively dislike them both).

You have WAY too much time on your hands if you’re tying yourself in knots about this. Ironically, you are thwarting your child’s independence by trying to dictate their friendships .. VERY unreasonable!

Btw I think it is always wise to foster a range of friendships rather than being reliant in one friend.

They’re six and have six extracurricular activities??!!! Wow!

I do understand your frustration with this OP. At that age, I would have sat my DC down and explained to them why it was important that they maintain other friendships. Best Friend might get friendly with someone else/might move away/ etc. They definitely would have understood at six.

I appreciate children are very different as far as emotional maturity goes, but have you tried this?

I think this will have to be the way and it’s a diplomatic way of dealing with it.

It is true that our DC muck around together (hence why school separate them for work) and I’ve also seen them mucking around together at clubs.

I might subtly test the water with us changing swimming lessons and see how it goes. Before people jump on me for this “because there’s no choice in lessons so they didn’t choose to be with you”, I assure you there is (the pool runs lessons for every conceivable hour outside of school - the same pool probably has 60 different slots for each stage).

I think you’re absolutely right. My DD was a bit immature socially and had two intense 1-1 friendships at different times in primary. I would have been put out if the same kids had followed her to clubs too. Nothing particularly against the kids (although one of them wasn’t too nice) more just that it isn’t healthy to be fixated on just one friend. She went to a different secondary school and now has a big group of mates and no social issues.

It’s ramped up from 2 to 6 in the last year as I’ve been trying to find one my child can do solo without their friend, and also find the one they really love. Some are seasonal too, and my DC really wants to give everything a go (until friend arrives, when suddenly they’d rather just chat/monkey around than engage and group leaders inevitably don’t feel able to separate them).

What I was meaning to reply with was that DC is immature and the pairing of the friendship really isn’t helping this (they act totally age inappropriate around each other).

DC definitely doesn’t have the comprehension for this, we tried explaining after best friend was off school for a week and our DC tried to refuse to go to school because BF wasn’t there so had no friends….

My daughter had similar - I did move time and just have to hope they don't move as know it's up to them but it is annoying. I like my children to have the opportunity to make friends out of school too.

I wonder if it is worth asking the school to split them up into different classes next year if they are distracting each other! It all sounds a bit codependent.

We had a problem like this, we asked the school to promote other friendships as it had all got a bit intense tbh. They were split into different work groups which helped immensely.

I think your plan for changing swimming lesson for a start is a good idea. I guess the other parent perhaps thinks their child will settle better in a new activity with a friend. But it is clearly not working for you.

When you change lesson, I would use that chance to mention to the parent that you felt your child was messing around too much and not learning so you want to have them away from each other as learning to swim is so important. If you say it in a friendly way I don't think they should take offence.

I'd start with swimming. Just say to the mum your moving dc as teacher said they aren't learning anything as they are too chatty

I would definitely speak to the school. It sounds like this other kid has become your child's crutch to a really unhelpful level. Not wanting to go to school because they're away is not good.

I'm sorry I was unsympathetic at first. You hadn't made it clear how stifling the friendship is at first.

Unfortunately it’s single form entry so it’s either same class or move school, and I’m definitely not thinking this is at the level of moving school quite yet (although it might be at some point).

I’ll definitely speak to the teacher next year very early on to make sure that they’re aware of the dynamic and to try to help both children interact more with others.

Because she’s his mother , because he’s only 6, because she wants the best for him in developing social skills, because she wants him to experience a wider group of friends, because she she is concerned for his happiness and wellbeing… because she’s a normal parent.

Her child is very young and with their current friend they do no work in school and have no other friends. What do you think she should do?

Speaking to the other mum may be helpful if the children are being babyish with each other and being mocked by the other children. Stressing it's a good friendship but they both need to learn to socialise with other children to and not mess around with each other in classes so not both doing the same classes may help.

I disagree with some PPs, I think the friends mum enrolling her son in 4 plus out of school activities at the same time as OPs son is actually pretty odd.