Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to tell her to stop contacting him?

75 replies

YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 17:40

After our baby was born it seems to have sent his ex (mother of his older children) into some weird sort of spiral.

We've been together 6 years and they were separated for 2 prior to that so it's not a recent separation.

Until this point she's always been semi reasonable, not the worst ex I've read about anyway!

Since DS was born she has openly admitting to him several times that she's sad about it, she even posted on social media about feeling down and needing to be cheered up the day he was born (I've removed her now), she will text him randomly saying she's just making sure he's not going to abandon DSC now (as if), she asked when he was first born if she could come in and asked to hold him, I agreed and then she said she couldn't and started crying and left, she's rang DH before saying she's struggling with the children having a sibling she doesn't know etc..

I'm honestly sick of it now. I understand that it can be difficult when your ex fully moves on and has a new family but my god. She's sent him another message this evening saying it's been playing on her mind and she's worried 'to death' about DSC and "us" (her words) being pushed out. We have never given her any reason to suspect this. Obviously DS hasn't been around long but he's a good dad and I'm a bloody good SM too if I say so myself.

I'm going to tell DH tonight that I want him to message her and tell her to stop with this. That he understands she's struggling but he can't be her crutch now and he doesn't want another message or call about our baby from her again. He's getting fed up too but he's worried about rocking the boat at a sensitive time.

(She has slight form for this btw, she was a little bit like this when we got married although not half as bad and when she separated from her ex partner she clung to DH for help a bit too much for my liking)

OP posts:
Lavenderflower · 28/06/2023 17:45

I don't your husband can't tell her not to contact him as they share children, however, he can put boundaries and advise he doesn't feel comfortable with her conversation.

I can understand her feelings up to a point but she is oversharing with your husband.

Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 17:46

Sorry I meant stop contacting him about this!

OP posts:
GeriatricMumma · 28/06/2023 17:49

I think it's difficult as he has allowed the communication for so long.

If I was you, I'd suggest he just 'ignores' any messages which aren't about their children.

He needs to only engage with conversations with / about his children.

I wouldn't get him to tell her to stop as it'll just cause friction and issues,

insatiableme · 28/06/2023 17:50

My worried would be that her insecurities will rub off onto the step children and they will have doubts of feeling different or left out.
He needs to be putting boundaries in place and discussing how she could pass these insecurities on to the child

drpet49 · 28/06/2023 17:51

She sounds unhinged.

Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 17:51

GeriatricMumma · 28/06/2023 17:49

I think it's difficult as he has allowed the communication for so long.

If I was you, I'd suggest he just 'ignores' any messages which aren't about their children.

He needs to only engage with conversations with / about his children.

I wouldn't get him to tell her to stop as it'll just cause friction and issues,

She's never been this bad before so it's been easier to ignore.

I'm just sick of trying to enjoy my son and him having to field sobbing phone calls from his ex. Talk to a friend about it for goodness sake!

OP posts:
Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 17:52

insatiableme · 28/06/2023 17:50

My worried would be that her insecurities will rub off onto the step children and they will have doubts of feeling different or left out.
He needs to be putting boundaries in place and discussing how she could pass these insecurities on to the child

And yes there is of course this.

So far they seem to adore him but I just hope she's not like this in front of them (they were there when she cried and left after holding him). They are a young teen and just shy of 11 too so not daft.

OP posts:
Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 17:54

There's always been little bits of this like I say. Like when she split up from her ex a few years back and would do random things like ask DH to call the boiler repair man for her or send him a picture of how much weight she'd managed to lose that week or something as if they were best mates (they aren't).

Just odd behaviour.

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 28/06/2023 17:55

Your husband needs to encourage her to seek emotional support from friends and family.

Does she have a drink problem? It might explain the increase in contact and the sobbing phone calls if she's self-medicating her fears with booze.

Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 17:57

PollyAmour · 28/06/2023 17:55

Your husband needs to encourage her to seek emotional support from friends and family.

Does she have a drink problem? It might explain the increase in contact and the sobbing phone calls if she's self-medicating her fears with booze.

I'm not aware of one and neither is DH.

My honest opinion is she just enjoyed sharing something with him that no one else did and now she's upset she isn't "his children's mother" anymore, if that makes sense. Obviously she is but not the only one! She's always been quite territorial over where she thinks she should factor in his priorities.

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 28/06/2023 17:59

I guess how she feels may be fairly normal, after all, lots of dads DO reduce contact and interest in older children when newer children come on the scene. Not to mention that your DS gets to live with him 24/7 but their kids only see him half the time (if that).

BUT I totally agree with you. These are feelings she should be discussing with friends, family or a therapist. Not you or your family.

SchoolShenanigans · 28/06/2023 18:01

This is probably quite normal for blended families. It's a very tricky situation and I'm sure he'd feel similarly if the shoe was on the other foot.

Has she currently got a partner?

Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 18:03

SchoolShenanigans · 28/06/2023 18:01

This is probably quite normal for blended families. It's a very tricky situation and I'm sure he'd feel similarly if the shoe was on the other foot.

Has she currently got a partner?

No partner currently and my husband has said she always wanted more DC.

It's not that I'm saying her feelings are not understandable, just don't bring them to our door all the time. Talk to your friends or family or anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 18:04

And no I honestly don't think my husband would be ringing her up crying when she brought her new baby home!

OP posts:
ChesterAndRaoul · 28/06/2023 18:06

I would encourage him to send her message that addresses her fears, promise her that he loves all of his children and having a newborn does not affect that. He could then go on to say that he understands why she feels this way but he would prefer to keep the communication between them purely about the children between them as these ongoing messages are putting him in an uncomfortable position.

However, if he does not want to rock the boat then you can't force him and the only other option is ignoring those types of messages completely.

veryfluffyfluff · 28/06/2023 18:07

Your husband needs to just ignore it and keep it factual about the kids. He could try saying that he's not the right person for her to be opening up to. You shouldn't be in the position that he's telling you what she's saying as it's not really for you to worry about.

I wouldn't be letting her in to see your DC. She's not wanting to see them for any positive reason.

Dotcheck · 28/06/2023 18:07

Did he put the brakes on anymore children?

A friend of mine was pressured into an abortion by her husband. They split up and he went on to have more children.
My friend did struggle

ColdHandsHotHead · 28/06/2023 18:10

She needs professional coubselling but I'd suspect she enjoys creating all the drama.

Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 18:11

I don't know exactly what happened between them, I know it wasn't a huge amount of time after the birth of their second that they separated and I know that my husband said at the time he'd not wanted anymore children (whether he said that to her I do not know, just what he's told me he felt at the time) as he knew he wasn't happy in the relationship. He did say she's always wanted lots of DC though

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 28/06/2023 18:11

If she wanted more children she probably is "mourning " the fact that in the absence of a current partner this may not happen.

Perhaps a message from DH next time she does something along the lines of DSC are and will always be my children and the arrival of new baby does not diminish my relationship with them. However I am afraid you need to seek support from your own family if you are feeling down about the fact you are not in a position to have another child and not from me, your ex.

Daisydu · 28/06/2023 18:23

YawnYawnYawwwn · 28/06/2023 17:57

I'm not aware of one and neither is DH.

My honest opinion is she just enjoyed sharing something with him that no one else did and now she's upset she isn't "his children's mother" anymore, if that makes sense. Obviously she is but not the only one! She's always been quite territorial over where she thinks she should factor in his priorities.

Show quote history

My dps ex is like this. 4 years later and she still struggles with the fact we have kids together. She texts regularly saying things like “make sure you spend time with just ds this weekend and not your other kids” and “ds should come first because he was here first” and “ds should come first always” fucking hell it does my head in, get over it woman. Dp ignores all those messages, has blocked her on everything apart from email, and literally only replies about seeing his ds, and doesn’t respond to any of her silliness.

SayHi · 28/06/2023 19:00

YABU to tell your adult partner who they should stop texting.

He does need to tell her to get a grip and stop asking him (reassuring her once or twice is fine) because it’s getting silly now.
But this is for your DH to decide and not you.

He obviously doesn’t mind else he would have already said something to her.

Bluebellsbells · 28/06/2023 19:35

You do have a say in this as it impacts your tel and family life. She is too dependent on him and it definitely needs to stop.

He needs to kindly but firmly say that communication should be made about current needs of children and that's it. Not emotions, feelings but objective facts about the care of his children. That's it. No talk of her feelings, he's not her support monkey, she needs to find another outlet for this.

My partner had an ex similar- it was interesting how her attitude completely changed when she got a new fella! But up until that point she was using him as emotional support and it often over stepped many boundaries and one thing it certainly wasn't was about the kids!

My partner put in boundaries he should have done years previously and it became worse for a while, lots of kick back from her, but eventually it became the norm.

Bluebellsbells · 28/06/2023 19:35

Relationship

Original poster
YawnYawnYawwwn · 29/06/2023 07:09

Thank you. He's going to message her.

YABU to tell your adult partner who they should stop texting

I didn't tell him anything. I asked him and discussed it with him and he agrees.

OP posts: