To ask DH to tell her to stop contacting him?

[YawnYawnYawwwn]

After our baby was born it seems to have sent his ex (mother of his older children) into some weird sort of spiral.

We've been together 6 years and they were separated for 2 prior to that so it's not a recent separation.

Until this point she's always been semi reasonable, not the worst ex I've read about anyway!

Since DS was born she has openly admitting to him several times that she's sad about it, she even posted on social media about feeling down and needing to be cheered up the day he was born (I've removed her now), she will text him randomly saying she's just making sure he's not going to abandon DSC now (as if), she asked when he was first born if she could come in and asked to hold him, I agreed and then she said she couldn't and started crying and left, she's rang DH before saying she's struggling with the children having a sibling she doesn't know etc..

I'm honestly sick of it now. I understand that it can be difficult when your ex fully moves on and has a new family but my god. She's sent him another message this evening saying it's been playing on her mind and she's worried 'to death' about DSC and "us" (her words) being pushed out. We have never given her any reason to suspect this. Obviously DS hasn't been around long but he's a good dad and I'm a bloody good SM too if I say so myself.

I'm going to tell DH tonight that I want him to message her and tell her to stop with this. That he understands she's struggling but he can't be her crutch now and he doesn't want another message or call about our baby from her again. He's getting fed up too but he's worried about rocking the boat at a sensitive time.

(She has slight form for this btw, she was a little bit like this when we got married although not half as bad and when she separated from her ex partner she clung to DH for help a bit too much for my liking)

Of course when a new child comes along, the existing children do have to adapt. But this is no different really to proper siblings. I have children from previous, I have a step child and I also have children with my partner, when we had our children together naturally things change. What didn’t change for us is that we didn’t start having our older children less, however we do work it so we have a weekend every 5 weeks where it is just me, dp and the children we have together. We love this time, but it doesn’t mean we do less with the others, or love them any less. Dps ex hates this though, even though we have dss half the time, she still complains that we don’t include him in that one weekend. Some people are just pathetic.

I think by sending a message about this you’d be being unnecessarily unkind. The tone of comments here is all about her being some old, frazzled, barren, bitter ex. All of this could be true, but simply ignoring it/grey rocking is the simplest way to remove DH from her list of emotional crutches. A message will likely escalate any shit, not least by articulating her greatest fears of “things changing”. Obviously, things have changed, and she is feeling she is being left behind (her problem) but you can make that clear without embarrassing her and making things tricky between DH and her which is not fun at all (trust me!).

How does he respond currently? Some firm “I’ve already answered this” or “no” type responses might be appropriate and less inflammatory.

Also: the thought of going to a spa with my DH’s ex makes me want to snuggle with a roll of barbed wire. 🤣

Did your DH speak with her @YawnYawnYawwwn?

Crying after she held your baby is a bit extreme! Especially in front of her children.

Well there's your answer as to why she's feeling this way, she was denied support from him after her second baby was born. I would just try and extend some empathy, especially as you have no idea the circumstances in which they seperated.

Good advice.

Just wanted to say, I kicked my ex partner out when I was pregnant with our second child. He then had another woman pregnant when I was. He set up his family home there and they went on to have another child. She then eventually kicked him out and he's had another baby with the new woman. We didn't see him nor get a penny from him.

I don't understand this 'grief' and trauma from a man moving on. Have a good cry in the bath at what should have been, then it's back to business of making sure the kids are content and secure, surely? Totally see why you're raising an eyebrow at her still feeling an attachment to him. It's weird af. She needs therapy and I don't mean that in a derogatory way, it's not on your husband to console her outside of any children issues.

YANBU

Your DH needs to reassure EX that it is only their relationship that has changed- he will always be there and love all of his children equally. She will always be the mother of his children but she is no longer his wife and he can’t be her shoulder to cry on. If she is struggling emotionally she should try talking to a doctor or councillor.

Personally you lot are too nice, I’d be saying to my dp tell her to get a fucking grip 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

😂Totally.

Poor bloke being shared with his ex and new wife.

She's to get a grip.

What ??? 😂

@Spankydom I don't think they are Mormons.

🤣

I cannot for the LIFE of me imagine how you could enter into a marriage with a man, much less have a kid with him, who was previously married and left his partner not long after they had a child, without getting some clarity from him about the nature of their relationship breakdown. I mean that's a pretty significant piece of the puzzle of what makes him who he is, wouldn't you say?

Could be, as is often the case with 'crazy' exes, that there's more to this than meets the eye. Her behaviour isn't reasonable, on the face of it. But on the face of it, without some pretty significant context, neither is leaving your wife and young children. Could be the birth of your baby (especially if part of his reasoning for leaving her was 'not wanting any more children'!) is triggering some serious trauma in her.

As usual, in any situation where there are traumatised kids involved (family breakdown is an ACE), their needs and feelings should take priority. If that means your partner going the extra mile to prove to them they aren't about to be replaced, then he does that. If that means him having a stern word with the ex about keeping her concerns between the grown ups and not sharing or parading them in front of the kids, then he does that. If it means you taking the high road and not starting a bunfight with their mum, then you do that.

Frankly I think a lot of people are going through a lot here, whereas you have everything you want - partner, new baby - and are just a bit irritated. So rise above it, enjoy your baby, tell your husband that you don't want to hear any more about his ex except as relates to practical matters around her kids, and leave him to deal with it.

😂

You are definitely taking the piss aren't you?

She sounds insane and very insecure but I don't think your DH can do anything other than acknowledge and shut up. He risks making everything worse. It's shit but he chose to have 2 kids with her so you're stuck with her antics to an extent until the younger one is 18 really.

I didn’t mean share in a sexual sense. That’s why I wrote ‘share’ . I meant in an emotional sense. DP is the father to his ex’s kids so it’s natural that he will need to have a good emotional relationship with their mum or it will impact on the kids! They pick up on stuff like that quite easily.
OP looks after her kids and neither of them are going out of the situation any time soon, so it was just a suggestion that they do the ‘adult’ thing (that’s ‘adult’ not adult in the sexual sense) and try to find a common ground to be civil to each other.

I think this is one of my favourite posts I’ve ever seen on Mumsnet. Go to a spa with your husband’s ex-wife who is clearly emotionally unhinged and drink wine together. What could possibly go wrong?

Good grief… as if he’d want to be “shared” with someone he has attempted to extricate from his life.

This makes it worse. They do not emotionally share him. What a horrible thought, he’s a human not a possession. Having a cordial relationship with an ex is not sharing him . No more than any one else you have a cordial relationship with. And going to a spa together or the cinema and drinking wine is just odd. Whatever this woman’s issues are it is not the op and her husbands to,fix.

Good lord can people stop suggesting OP and her DH baby this crazy ex and cater to her nutty behavior? DH should have told her politely to knock it the fuck off and hung up the phone every time she started wailing about her feelings. OP and her DH have a new baby and the ex wife is wasting their time and destroying their quiet enjoyment.

No wonder she's messed up

I wouldn't rock the boat. Hopefully it will settle as she gets used to the situation.

In time as the children grow up he will have less and less context with her.

I really hope so.

Well it couldn't be more obvious that she isn't resigned to the end of their relationship, could it? Crying at the milestones that take him further from reach, showing herself to him 'improved' by her weight loss?
Tempting as it is to grab the low hanging fruit and put this all down to her 'craziness', in reality, few people hold a torch for someone for six years without anything to fuel the flame. The odds are certainly against it.
At best your husband is guilty of laziness and weakness in failing to set and maintain boundaries; at worst there's a part of him that enjoys the idea he may still be loved and wanted. I think whatever you ask of him you'll get one excuse after another so you may need to be very firm about what behaviour is acceptable to you. Don't facilitate him by taking on the dirty work yourself, you will just enable him to keep his good guy image in her eyes, present you as the villain, and keep that torch burning. She needs to hear that he doesn't want this behaviour, or her, and she needs to hear it from him.

Yep I’ve read some crazy stuff on here but this.. well!!