To ask DH to tell her to stop contacting him?

[YawnYawnYawwwn]

After our baby was born it seems to have sent his ex (mother of his older children) into some weird sort of spiral.

We've been together 6 years and they were separated for 2 prior to that so it's not a recent separation.

Until this point she's always been semi reasonable, not the worst ex I've read about anyway!

Since DS was born she has openly admitting to him several times that she's sad about it, she even posted on social media about feeling down and needing to be cheered up the day he was born (I've removed her now), she will text him randomly saying she's just making sure he's not going to abandon DSC now (as if), she asked when he was first born if she could come in and asked to hold him, I agreed and then she said she couldn't and started crying and left, she's rang DH before saying she's struggling with the children having a sibling she doesn't know etc..

I'm honestly sick of it now. I understand that it can be difficult when your ex fully moves on and has a new family but my god. She's sent him another message this evening saying it's been playing on her mind and she's worried 'to death' about DSC and "us" (her words) being pushed out. We have never given her any reason to suspect this. Obviously DS hasn't been around long but he's a good dad and I'm a bloody good SM too if I say so myself.

I'm going to tell DH tonight that I want him to message her and tell her to stop with this. That he understands she's struggling but he can't be her crutch now and he doesn't want another message or call about our baby from her again. He's getting fed up too but he's worried about rocking the boat at a sensitive time.

(She has slight form for this btw, she was a little bit like this when we got married although not half as bad and when she separated from her ex partner she clung to DH for help a bit too much for my liking)

This is NOT a normal reaction!
my DS has a lovely half sibling and I feel nothing but happiness for him, his dad and step mum. What a silly comment.

In this case, sounds like the mum is still hasn't got over the relationship breakdown, especially he he left her when the kids were so young, time will help but until then I wouldn't interfere

I couldn't handle this.

He needs to send her a clear message saying that she needs to keep communication purely about DC, nothing else. And if the inappropriate messages continue then he won't be responding further.

She needs to accept that he has moved on.

And she needs to stop talking about your DC.

I wouldn’t get him to send a message, I would absolutely start employing serious grey rock responses to anything along the emotional lines about your baby. She needs to get therapy/talk to her friends about this stuff, not your DH. Equally I wouldn’t get him to drop a bomb by sending her a “telling off” message that might cause a negative reaction.

YANBU. Does she work, have hobbies?

Has there been a reduction in contact with your DH’s older kids since your baby was born? I’m always reading posts on here in which expectant mums moan that they want time with just their husband and new baby, and want the step kids to stay away for a few weeks. And people usually say that that’s reasonable.

It’s pretty common for men to be more focussed on the children they have with their current partner vs their older kids. I’m not surprised she’s worried.

This sounds like a tricky situation? Have you thought about doing something together just the two of you? Maybe coffee? Or cinema? It could give you a chance to bond and get to know each other a bit more and try and see what is causing so much stress for her. I’ve found it’s quite easy to get to know someone in a relaxed environment like a spa.
She might be more happy to ‘share’ DH if she’s got to know you a bit? Then might be easier with kids for them all to get along?
It puts DH in a difficult place too. Has he thought about doing something with just the kids? Maybe zoo? Or museum? Might allow all kids chance to bond together without either of you.

OMG don’t encourage the drama llama please. OP will never get rid of her.

I can understand her to a point. When you create a family with someone it’s a sacred thing and to have that ripped way and for them to start all over again with someone else is like intense grief of mammoth proportions.
what she’s going through is extreme trauma.
I would suggest your husband helps her to seek trauma counselling for the childrens sake.

'Sacred thing'
'extreme trauma'
'intense grief of mammoth proportions'

are you the ex wife??

No absolutely not. They were with us the day after we got home as normal. I have never asked for time without them or anything like that, they have been coming as normal and we even arranged for my parents to watch them at our house if I'd gone into labour whilst they were with us, they ended up not being in the end but we had absolutely no plan to stop normal contact at any point.

This is why I don't understand it, they were the first people aside from me and DH to meet our baby. We haven't, imo, given any indication that anyone is going to be pushed out and as far as I can tell they don't feel like they are either they seem happy and in love with their new sibling.

I don't know how much more time she needs to get over it, they haven't been together for nearly 9 years now, she's been in other relationships too since then even getting engaged at one point. It's like when her life isn't going as planned she clings back to DH.

Fucking hell “Get to know someone at a spa”. 🤣🤣. Assume this is sarcasm?!

Sometimes when people split up ,the grief can lay hidden ,especially if they didnt want to part.The ex is obv feeling threatened by his new family ,and the close bond a lovely new baby brings.She probably felt "safe" when he didnt have new child of his own. For you its hard because you just want to be close and not have the ex wife making a nuisance of herself! I think she will calm down soon ,its just the newness ATM .Give her time ,maybe as her prev RL havent worked out ,she is as you say clinging on to her ex.You have all the goodies here and she is feeling sore .She is not a threat to you .Is she older than you by a way? Maybe she feels her second chances have diminished

She might be more happy to ‘share’ DH if she’s got to know you a bit?

I don't need her to be happy to share him, he's not hers to share 😂 he is my husband, I'm not sharing him with her like he's a possession.

She is not a threat to you .Is she older than you by a way? Maybe she feels her second chances have diminished

Yes she is. I did wonder if this could be it. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of her situation or if she does or doesn't think more DC are on the cards for her but I guess it may be that.

I think the only way to nip this in the bud is for your husband to shut this down, he needs to clearly tell her its got to stop, she needs to find support elsewhere.
I don't understand the weight loss thing, is she asking him to take photos of her weight loss?
I think there night be some boundaries that need putting in place.

It does sound as if she is struggling with the fact she may not have any more children now. It sounds like she would have wanted more in the marriage but then the marriage ended and her other relationships haven’t worked out and led to other children. So depending on her age and coming to the realisation she may not have more children is bound to be hard. And seeing the father of her children having what she wants must be hard too.

Maybe your DH could suggest she talks to someone about it? A counsellor. Because even if he reassures her till he is blue in the face that the new baby won’t affect the older children she is reacting from a place of hormones and loss and sadness and isn’t probably being rational about it all.

I think your DH needs to ignore the messages not about the kids and perhaps gently but firmly ask her to talk about any feelings the birth of his new baby has prompted with her friends or family and not him. It sounds as if his older children have been rightfully encouraged to feel that their family is growing, not that they're being pushed out or sidelined, so I don't see what genuine issue there could be for her to raise with their father.

Congrats as well OP on the safe arrival of your little one.

Also the idea of trying to befriend the ex so she can gracefully find it in her heart to decide to 'share' her ex of ten years with you, his wife, has properly tickled me. A "new" partner after divorce can never be allowed to forget their place in the hierarchy 😂

He just needs to be honest "I care about you as the mother of our children, but I can't be there for you like this. I've moved on with my life." Then send her some websites/phone numbers for a therapist.

Have you never been a spa with a group, some of which you don’t know that well and then a few wines down at the end of the day, you’re all the best of mates?
it’s just a relaxing environment and everyone communicates much better when people are relaxed.

Does your husband want to say something? This would piss me off a lot if I were in your shoes,it's not your husbands job to fix his ex wife's insecurities.

this is quite a disturbing post. She isn’t sharing him , that’s so creepy, she’s an ex of nearly a decade. Why would the op go to the cinema or have a spa day with her so they can share him <shudders>

I don’t think it’s about her being older. I think this is about power. She knows she is being manipulative and drilling into your time and family life. It’s like she’s emotionally peeing on your DH and their kids to mark her territory. This absolutely wouldn’t happen if she had another bloke. By implying that his kids are going to be neglected all of a sudden is an attempt to show both of you that they (including her) were all there first and should have a higher standing in his list of priorities. Quite right getting him to stop behaving like a neurotic twat and maybe suggest that she discusses her very important feelings with a counsellor instead of calling him.

Erm, no. Going to spa with a group of people I don't know sounds like hell.

Wow, completely inappropriate.

They don't share DH, OP is married to him and his ex sounds dramatic and attention seeking (why post sad attention seeking post about a new baby on Facebook?).

It's sad that she is struggling, but it's not up to OP and her DH to be an emotional support for her. She needs to get a counseling or talk to her friends.

If they were excluding her kids that would be another story, but from everything OP posted so far, that's not the case here. They've been included.