Should I speak some home truths?

[Clareanscombe1964]

Before I get into this story I should prefix that at different periods of time I’ve really struggled with bad relationships and money so what I’m about to say is not meant to seem judgemental at all.
There is a mum of a child in my dad class at school, the children are pretty good friends. We got chatting one time before Christmas and the topic of presents came up where became apparent quite quickly that she was struggling to get her child gifts and that by comparison we were in a fortunate position to be able to buy things for ours. The conversation honestly made me feel really bad and it was a prompt for me to reevaluate the meaning of gifts. Anyway it was after this that she asked me to go food shopping with her to keep her company. All the way round she was hinting that she couldn’t afford the shopping and she how she was so
worried she couldn’t cover it. I felt at the time trying to guilt me into paying for it. I was left a little annoyed.
regardless she asked me to lend her some
money to help with food, a few weeks later and as I could I did. But the messages
for money have increased and on more than one occasion have made less sense. In context I’ve given her probably 500
now. But I would send her 120 only to get a message two days later saying she had no
food again. I’ve had to stop as we are also feeling the squeeze and need to prioritise my kids. She promised a small
amount back, which is the only
part I’ve asked for due to
my phone bill, it didn’t come which left me
with late payments to manage. I feel pretty used and am
left thinking there’s more to this than simply money worries, to go through that much cash in a short period. She has a boyfriend living with her which without going into
detail, he’s contributing nothing, won’t look for work but is happy to eat all the food and take money from her account that was meant for bills. My previous caveat re relationships was important as I know how hard they can be but she’s openly said she’s not afraid to tell him to go. I said to her that he is happy to take take take so that her son basically goes hungry but she is also
guilty of allowing it to continue.
the last random request was that her sister was in trouble and she needed money for a taxi to go and help her. I said no.
But what’s really annoyed me is that her bf sister is staying with them and this morning they were asking for food from the school for apparently her son. Not only do I feel
mugged off but there are also
other kids struggling and knowing there is Something amiss here with the money I’m frustrated she’s taking resources away from
others. To be honest I want to block her but feel uneasy due to the kids friendship group. I don’t know if it’s drugs or what but something is going on and feel she needs some home truths. Am i being unreasonable?

You've been really generous and so kind hearted. Tell her you can't lend her any more money as you simply can't afford it, you've given her a lot already and you hope she gets her finances sorted out. I wouldn't tell her any home truths as who knows what this could unleash.

You seem a lovely kind and considerate generous person who unfortunately got taken advantage of.

But you did what you thought was the right thing ( having experiences something similar to that woman and shame on her, her lump of a boyfriend and sister. The poor child in all this.

Do not give her anymore, hope her child will be ok and services will step in ( as badly needed). Definitely say can you pay the money back as have few unexpected bills.

Terrible how vulnerable innocent children are made to suffer at the hands of so called parent/s.

YABU for giving her money. Short term solution she needs to sort her life and lazy arse partner out. £500 from you does fuck all but kick the can of reality down the road.

ZairWazAnOldLady
She’s stolen £500 from her child’s friends mother. She really doesn’t have any morals. Ask to see the safeguarding person at your child’s school. Tell them you want to tell them something because you are worried about a child but you don’t want to discuss it or hear what happens and you understand you have been foolish. Explain the child may be hungry and how much and when you have given money. Thank them and leave. Dont give her any money again for anything.

This. You have been naive and/or foolish. If you genuinely have concerns about the child's welfare then report to safeguarding and SS. Obviously don't give her another penny.

I met a beggar once, said she needed £10 for the bus home, then suddenly it was £20, then £30 ... Of course I just walked away

Someone telling you they've spent £120 on food and are going hungry three days later is in the same category. It just isn't believable.

You’ve been kind, she’s a scammer.
It’s common - mums with little kids aren’t threatening and can easily pretend that they can’t afford stuff and tug on your heart strings as there’s a kid involved.

Basically, you need to write off all the money you’ve lent/given - none is coming back. If you see her in person, just be polite, don’t say anything personal. Just chat about the weather. I wouldn’t even say she’s made your phone bill late. I wouldn’t reply to any messages asking for help - it’s all lies - just ignore.

And you won’t be the only person she’s scoring money from. You’ll probably fine she has some nice stuff in her house - better than you could afford. She’s just a lying piece of shit and gives people who are really in poverty and really need help a bad reputation. This child is already known to SS so I’d leave them well alone. Kids can socialise at school, that’s it.

I would guess she’s on coke tbh. Stop giving her money.

So sorry OP.

My sister is in this position and it's drug abuse. The asking for relatively large sums of money for "food" only for it to be gone in a couple of days (with only 2 adults and a DC) is exactly their situation. Sponging cuckoo of a boyfriend coming into the home to take advantage of the vulnerable situation. Awful.

My mum had to cut her off mostly from lending money and it seems to be the only thing that has helped her get relatively back on track.

I thought they're probably spending it on drugs too. I'd definitely raise concerns with the school or SS.

Don't give the woman any more money.
If you must, give the child a sandwich or fruit if you are nearbyorbake the odd biscuits.

You could research charities or banks that offer free financial/budgeting help and attend that with your friend.
It would be great if the boyfriend would also attend and he might learn about supporting himself by mowing lawns or bringing in some contribution.
Also seek lists of places where she can access seconds canned food and misshaped vegies etc.

Don’t have anything more to do with this person. You aren’t getting that money back. Don’t stress yourself by trying to get it.

Move on and use this to work on yourself. Why did you get scammed.

You are a good person, so it would not occur to you that someone would take advantage of your kind and generous nature as well as your genuine concern for the welfare of her child to extort money from you to feed some sort of addiction – booze? opioids? meth? gambling? or some combination of those? But this mum's script is most definitely coming directly out of the junkie's handbook for shaking down family, friends, even strangers for money. There's a shamelessness around the frequency of her requests that a normal person in financial need just doesn't exhibit.

Addicts have this familiar grift that so often involves varied and too detailed stories around what they need the money for. In her case it's everything from Christmas and food shopping --- and once you mentioned the woman’s claim of a sister in peril and her needing care fare to go help her??? Yeah, my addict detector went off!! Does she even have a sister? The sibling in trouble, the sick aunt or grandmother in need..... such common and tired junkie tropes. And, of course, the requests always come with the promise of paying the money back. They need to update the script!!

Maybe it's the boyfriend with the addiction problem or maybe it's both of them, but sadly, I highly doubt any of the money you've so thoughtfully given her thus far has actually gone to the care of that poor little boy.

As others have suggested, I think you may need to put in a call to social services. This child is not surrounded by adults who can care for him.

I'd be tempted to involve social services, for the child's sake. Even if he is being properly fed, his mother is an amoral grifter and the kid deserves better. She deserves careful oversight.

Dont give anymore money. She isnt being honest about where the money is going. Its what my gambling sister would do. I reckon her lazy ass partner is a gambler

You were quite right to try to help at first, but don't feel bad about refusing to help any more - good money after bad. They sound like a useless bunch of wasters, but maybe the chance to help the children more directly will come up in future?

If this is real then you, as a grown adult, should have more sense than to give away your money to someone who is clearly just scrounging.

£500???!! OMG.

Feed the child at play dates. Ficus purely on the child if you want to help.

I know a woman like this. It wasn't just me but other people too, it eventually came to light. It was a drug/gambling issue. The answer is always no I'm afraid.

She promised a small amount back, which is the only part I’ve asked for due to
my phone bill, it didn’t come which left me with late payments to manage.

Clearly you aren't particularly well off either, so why the fuck would you continue to 'lend' money to this woman after the first time???? Ask yourself why she is asking someone she barely knows for money, it'll be because anybody close to her has already wised up. Absolutely unbelievable.

Walk away, who cares that her boyfriend's a leech, she clearly prioritises him over her own child. I would also do my best to let other parents know not to get sucked in like you were.

YABU because you don't what the 'home truths' are. Basically she's fleeced you out of money but as the old MN adage goes 'never give what you can't afford'. I understand it's annoying and frustrating. I've been there.
If she's asking the school for food (I assume you're not in the UK) then school will already know about the issues. But you can, as a PP suggested, flag to the school that you're concerned about the DC not being fed. (The other parts of the story aren't relevant ie you lending money to them).

Also I was the mug in a situation like this. I was paying for her shopping....she always had money for weed though.

There's an old saying 'never a borrower or a lender be'. Too true - lending money often spells death to friendships. But this woman is no friend she's a feckless scrounger and emotional blackmailer.

A strong 'fuck off and stop using me' should get shot of her. Also report this to the school, as they should be keeping a close eye on the kid.

Block her! And don’t speak to her again, she has taken advantage of your kindness. She will go through life doing this to anyone and everyone.