Should I speak some home truths?

[Clareanscombe1964]

Before I get into this story I should prefix that at different periods of time I’ve really struggled with bad relationships and money so what I’m about to say is not meant to seem judgemental at all.
There is a mum of a child in my dad class at school, the children are pretty good friends. We got chatting one time before Christmas and the topic of presents came up where became apparent quite quickly that she was struggling to get her child gifts and that by comparison we were in a fortunate position to be able to buy things for ours. The conversation honestly made me feel really bad and it was a prompt for me to reevaluate the meaning of gifts. Anyway it was after this that she asked me to go food shopping with her to keep her company. All the way round she was hinting that she couldn’t afford the shopping and she how she was so
worried she couldn’t cover it. I felt at the time trying to guilt me into paying for it. I was left a little annoyed.
regardless she asked me to lend her some
money to help with food, a few weeks later and as I could I did. But the messages
for money have increased and on more than one occasion have made less sense. In context I’ve given her probably 500
now. But I would send her 120 only to get a message two days later saying she had no
food again. I’ve had to stop as we are also feeling the squeeze and need to prioritise my kids. She promised a small
amount back, which is the only
part I’ve asked for due to
my phone bill, it didn’t come which left me
with late payments to manage. I feel pretty used and am
left thinking there’s more to this than simply money worries, to go through that much cash in a short period. She has a boyfriend living with her which without going into
detail, he’s contributing nothing, won’t look for work but is happy to eat all the food and take money from her account that was meant for bills. My previous caveat re relationships was important as I know how hard they can be but she’s openly said she’s not afraid to tell him to go. I said to her that he is happy to take take take so that her son basically goes hungry but she is also
guilty of allowing it to continue.
the last random request was that her sister was in trouble and she needed money for a taxi to go and help her. I said no.
But what’s really annoyed me is that her bf sister is staying with them and this morning they were asking for food from the school for apparently her son. Not only do I feel
mugged off but there are also
other kids struggling and knowing there is Something amiss here with the money I’m frustrated she’s taking resources away from
others. To be honest I want to block her but feel uneasy due to the kids friendship group. I don’t know if it’s drugs or what but something is going on and feel she needs some home truths. Am i being unreasonable?

I hate kids that use their kids as bait. Don’t fall for it. Let the school know. Call SS. Think about all the taxpayer’s money that goes into that house and ask where it’s being spent. It’s not food.

There's a reason social services are involved with this woman and her family. Whatever she has told you is the reason is unlikely to be the truth. The truth will be linked to what she constantly needs money for. Say no and block her. I would also tell the school, although they probably already know.

*parents that use their kids as bait, Obvs

Defo drugs

@WhenIWasAFieldMyself What would police do? Asking to borrow money isn't a crime

Exactly what I was thinking!

Next time she says she has no four for her child get a bag of food with , nuggets, fish fingers , fruit and vegetables, pasta , rice , bread , sheers and ham . That should last the kid done days . She is using you and worse not even taking care of her child . Do not give her any money

Not sure about "home truths", but you should stop giving this person money and stop spending time with her.

In my opinion the money was worth it to get rid of her. She is an absolute user and just write it off now and have no more dealings with that leech.

all the best

Wow . Your daughter must have been so upset z we as adults can deal with it , just about deal with it , but a child ?
Honestly just like you say that would be very alien to me too , how can people behave this way

If she is doing this to you she is also doing it to other soft touches. I wonder how many times she has 'borrowed' £500.

Her leech boyfriend is probably more than that , he might well also be an abuser, a pimp, a trafficker. Don't let him become your abuser too.

Report your concerns to the school. Send your D.C. with an occasional extra sandwich or banana or kitkat to share with their friend. Write off your £500 and move on.

this.

She is using the child to pull at your heart strings. Just say you aren't prepared to give her money. Tell her to get a cleaning job if she needs cash. She wont be dropping £15 on a taxi if it takes her an hour to earn it will she?
She is scrounging off you like her BF is scrounging off her

Next time she asks say "oh actually I was going to ask you for the money you owed me as I'm broke myself"

Was just about to post similar. Next time she asks, say “Actually I could do with you starting to pay back the £500 I’ve lent you as things are starting to get tight here, here’s my bank details if you want to set up a standing order……” (obviously with no expectation you’ll see a penny).

I wouldn’t tell her she doesn’t need to pay you back , I’d let her think she does if only to stop her asking for more , but I’d write it off on my head as gone . What a manipulative free loader , asking you to come shopping with her is chilling.

Exactly! No need to tell her you’re hard up, it’s none of her business.

There are three adults in that house, if they cannot feed one kid it’s because he’s not a priority to them and no amount of income will change that sadly.

She won’t give a shit if you tell her home truths or cut her out of your life. That sort are totally thick-skinned, and she will just move on to the next target.

OP, I had a friend whom I met in my first part time job when we were both sixth form age. Over the years, our lives went in different directions but we remained fast friends. We always had so much to talk about and she was always so kind and (I thought) generous.

I studied and worked really hard and in my thirties, I landed a fab job and my husband and I bought a lovely home for us and our kids. I think it was at this point that my friend became grabby. I think it was because she could see with her own eyes how well I was doing.

I’m trying not to denigrate her lifestyle, but it was so different to mine and, as we both had children, the divergence in our ideals and choices just became more and more obvious. But still, we retained something of a friendship. Only… she kept asking me for money. Repaying small amounts and then asking for more.

It never prevented me from paying my own bills, because I was in a very fortunate position. But, at the end, she owed me £500 - like yourself.

By this stage in our lives, I had a lot of “home truths” I wanted to share with her. About money, school attendance, drugs, kids, boyfriends… it was all just coming from a place of wanting my recompense. A pound of flesh in place of my hard earned cash. Worthless words!

I wrote the money off and said nothing. It was the strongest message.

First she messaged me asking for another £20. Ignored. Then again. Message more desperate now - about her kids and bailiffs. I ignored this too. A few days later she messaged to ask me over for coffee. I responded and said yes and she asked me to bring her some cigarettes when I came. So I ignored and didn’t go.

A few weeks later she sent me an apology and £70 to my bank. I still ignored her. That was the last I ever heard of her.

I walked away from that decades-long friendship £428 worse off. But I could still be “friends” with her now, and owed £3,000 if I hadn’t wised up!

My story is supposed to demonstrate that the best way to deal with this is to write the money off and say nothing. No words will actually make the blindest bit of difference. And, the longer you keep this line of communication open, the more open to manipulation you are.

You’re being scammed by a total sponger.

Start hassling HER for money. “I can’t pay my electricity bill. Could really do with the £500 I’ve lent you.”

You are being scammed. She is a grifter...

It is possible for someone to be simultaneously vulnerable and manipulative.

I had a friend start doing this to me. My dad was a landlord and even gave her a place to stay at very reduced rent. She lived upstairs in the house where there were two flats, I lived downstairs. She started not paying rent, or paying part of it, and it and very late. She was asking for money from me. I was a grad student and didn’t have a deal and was living on student loans and a couple part time jobs. This went on about 2 years, as she had a baby, and father was nowhere to be found. She was in a bad spot, and we wanted to help. I had known my friend for some time, so assumed that after a bad patch, she would pull it together. But that didn’t happen.

My dad told me after two years or this, honey, I can’t keep subsidising her, as this is part of my income too (he was retired), and she needs to stand on her own feet now. The other tenant had moved out because he didn’t like being disturbed by the baby crying at night, so my dad was losing a lot of money. He told me that she needs to pay something and you need to talk to her, or she is going to have to leave. My dad was living in another state, so I had to be the one to break the news.

I finally said to her,look, I value our friendship, but I’m not a bank. I don’t have a lot of my money myself, so I can’t lend you anymore. And you at least need to pay the very reduced rent as this is part of my dad’s retirement income. Her mother was well off, and I said maybe you should stay with her, or ask her for some help? Maybe you need to get your daughter’s dad to contribute? Can you get some help from social services (this was in the States, so it is admittedly more difficult there).

Nothing happened after another few months, I brought it up again and was ignored. Finally my dad came up and had a talk with her, and she moved out to stay with her mum. Needless to say, I never heard from my friend again, nor did we get any money back from her.

Lesson learnt about setting more boundaries.

Agreed. Not your business how she lives her life. It is your business whether you give her money or not. That's the only part of this you have control over.