To be happy despite my life being objectively shit

[Fluffytuffs]

I have NC for this as I am kind of mortified to admit the reality of my life. These are my problems:

1. I am in a sexless relationship for over a decade with a man who is kind and loves me but who I am not in the slightest bit attracted to. Like, seriously you might as well ask me to have sex with my brother.
2. I despise my workplace (though am currently working on changing it) and am recovering from a truly horrific experience in which I was bullied/stalked by a colleague, (I have literally never been so frightened by someone in my life)
3. i have friends but my friendships are not smooth and joyful, I find they can be difficult and kind of begrudging and demanding.

I actually could go on but will leave it at that. But here’s the thing - I am quite contented! Like, I love walks, nature, good food and wine, travel, my pets, and I get a lot of joy from these things. But sometimes I stop and think that I really should be unhappy and more keen to change things. I had a troubled childhood and I wonder is this a factor, like are problems my comfort zone??

AIBU to be happy, and does anyone relate?

Thanks ❤️

Hi

Yanbu at all. I feel like that and if I were to list some things going on, you'd think I'm crazy.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, life is shit sometimes.

I've been muddling over the exact thing you've said, and I don't think it's the comfort of problems, no. I think its the ability to focus on good things and taking joy in small things like a walk ❤️ it takes alot for a person to see the good in the rough times and you're doing well.

I wish your problems go away just like I wish mine.

Lots of love

I half expected a sort of stealth boast about how your life really isn’t shit

but the reality is day in and day out you go to work in a job you despise, and then come home to essentially your brother (and I get the feeling you’d like a whole lot more on a man than a sibling), and then holidays and hi days where you might see friends are often fraught and difficult

i think you have convinced yourself to crack on as it because you have glimpses of happiness when in nature etc

but I think you’d be better off actually making a change Op. this is no way to live

How old are you?

It’s positive to be able to find contentment amongst imperfection, definitely; and to recognise where good things exist in your life and where worrying about things isn’t going to solve the problem.

Being willing to overlook such objectively poor situations: where you are actively being treated badly by friends, bullied by colleagues, and in a relationship with a man who doesn’t give a toss about you feeling undesirable and unwanted, could point to you not feeling like you’re worthy or deserving of anything better in those areas, though. Or feeling powerless to do anything about it so thinking it’s something you just need to accept and get on with. That you then mention a difficult childhood, which will have conditioned you somewhat to powerlessness and resignation, doesn’t suggest that the way you feel comes wholly from a positive place. Have you had therapy for it previously?

Thanks for replying. In response to questions: I am in my early 50s. My partner is honestly very kind and would dearly like our relationship not to be sexless - that comes from me not him. In the course of my job I deal with people who have have had a lot of tragedy in their lives and I wonder does this skew my perspective on life!

Yes

I think you are convincing yourself that it could be so so much worse

which is true

but what a way to live OP

how old are you ?

That is a very kind message, thank you. I hope your problems go away too 😍

Sorry early fifties. Second marriage? Kids?

Neither. One long term relationship - nearly 20 years.

Why do you think your life is objectively shit?

It sounds like there are parts of your life that are a bit crap, but they're obviously not overwhelming because you wouldn't be happy if they were.

Yes, you hate your job, but you come home to a relationship that is pretty much perfect for you(we'll ignore that your husband would like sex, because that's a separate issue) and you love how you spend your free time.

Sounds like a fairly happy life to me!

That’s such an interesting take, thanks! And a lot of truth in it, I would like to think. Like, take the terrifying work event - I learned so much from that situation and ultimately stood up for myself and I bet my ass it’s never going to happen to me again as I will see that personality type coming a mile away, so there’s actually a lot of positive in it. Thanks again, you got me thinking x

I think there is surely value in finding joy and pleasure wherever you can despite what else may be going on in your life and that’s what
you’re doing. Maybe at some point in the future you will feel the need to work on the other things and make changes but not until you’re ready. All the best X.

There is a lot to be said for being content with an ok but not perfect life, it's a good character trait to have and far better than the opposite

A lot of people are always striving to be "living their best life" whatever that means and and constantly trying to "keep with the Jones's" and this stops them from being content. I would personally rather be the type of person who can be happy without every aspect of my life needing to be perfect.

Very true, as opposed to "living my most mediocre and problem-filled life". Might get that on a t-shirt 😎

I think you sound really level headed. I actually think happiness is a bit of an illusion. Happy and sad are highs and lows, you can't live at either end of the spectrum, its not sustainable. But contentment is much more realistic. Its just not considered very exciting in society, so everyone is ironically out striving to be happy and making themselves quite miserable!

March to the beat of your own drum. If you're content the go with it!

I feel a lot like you. I'm late 50s and had an unhappy childhood. I am also in a sexless marriage and have become disabled.
I've become less interested in friends and more introverted but I feel happy. Thankfully we are financially comfortable and live in a lovely area. We have created a wonderful family and I too enjoy the small things more which I never had time to notice.
I've not had therapy but wonder sometimes if I'm convincing myself to be happy because I almost died, had a shit childhood and now don't have to work or worry about paying bills.
Does it matter why we are relatively happy so long as we are?

I read a book recently called Sapiens which had a whole bit in it about happiness studies.

According to the studies, unless your life is actively getting worse or better, you generally have the same baseline happiness throughout your life.

Let's say your baseline happiness is a 7 out of 10 (not that I have a clue how they measure it). You win the lottery, and for a while it goes up to a 9, but after a few months it drifts back down to a 7 as you adjust to your new circumstances. A few months later you lose a leg in an accident, this time your happiness drops down to a 3, but again you adjust to your circumstances and your happiness drifts back up to a 7.

In order To sustain that change, your circumstances would have to continue changing, so for instance getting an incurable disease where your symptoms get progressively worse.

Apparently we basically have our base level of happiness genetically coded into us, I suppose it's all chemicals and hormones at the end of that day so it depends on how good your body is at producing those chemicals.

Disclaimer: this all based on a 10 year old book and I've done no further research on it, so it may have been debunked, been bollocks all along etc.

Same here and I try to look for small happinesses. Similar age, sexless marriage no idea how to deal with that (it's me), child with SEN, had difficult teen years with lots of drama, but own our own flat, both have work etc and DS happy. Live in a nice country town. I do think to an extent that you make your own happiness.

I’m very similar. Objectively my life is awful, yet I’m happier than I have ever been. I think it’s because I’m an introvert, and utterly hated being young. Now that I’m middle-aged, no one pays any attention to me, or asks what I do at the weekends, and so on. The pressure to socialise has gone. I can just be myself. It’s bliss.

I always think that relationships aren’t always about sex. Obviously I’d you are craving that then it might causes problems. But if you are happy with your fella, and you are content don’t rock the boat.

As for you job, glad to see you are in the middle of a change. I always think jobs are the biggest factor in a happy life, I mean we spend more time with our work colleagues and doing the work than we do anything else. It has to be what we want to do.

@Darkandstormynite being called level headed has made my day, genuinely. And you are right - we don't hear so much about contentment - it's not sexy enough.

@petuniasandpetals It sounds like there is a lot of good in your life, and most importantly you are able to see this. Isn't it funny how we second guess ourselves. Like "but should I be happy....if I have therapy will I find out that I've no reason to be happy?" etc etc.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg That makes SO much sense! I recently spent a few hours among extremely wealthy people (we were in an area where the euro-royalty park their yachts) and it struck me that they didn't look any happier than any of us - quite the opposite. But in ways that goes against everything we are taught about being happy, self actualising etc, doesn't it.

I know how you feel. I have 535 in my bank account, I am going through an acrimonious divorce after many years of sexlessness. I always have a feeling that everything will be fine in the end and derive joy from.small things. URNBU.

Good for you, and I hope everything will be fine for you. And on the plus side, you are going out with Morten Harkett 😍

I would crawl through fields of broken glass for that man. 😂