To be happy despite my life being objectively shit

[Fluffytuffs]

I have NC for this as I am kind of mortified to admit the reality of my life. These are my problems:

1. I am in a sexless relationship for over a decade with a man who is kind and loves me but who I am not in the slightest bit attracted to. Like, seriously you might as well ask me to have sex with my brother.
2. I despise my workplace (though am currently working on changing it) and am recovering from a truly horrific experience in which I was bullied/stalked by a colleague, (I have literally never been so frightened by someone in my life)
3. i have friends but my friendships are not smooth and joyful, I find they can be difficult and kind of begrudging and demanding.

I actually could go on but will leave it at that. But here’s the thing - I am quite contented! Like, I love walks, nature, good food and wine, travel, my pets, and I get a lot of joy from these things. But sometimes I stop and think that I really should be unhappy and more keen to change things. I had a troubled childhood and I wonder is this a factor, like are problems my comfort zone??

AIBU to be happy, and does anyone relate?

Thanks ❤️

That's such a lovely, therapeutic response, thanks x

Now that's resilience 😂😅

Are you Buddha? Seriously, good for you. People spend years trying to meditate to this level of non attachment to their shitty circumstances. You sound lige you've got it nailed. Well done.

Yanbu.

A lot of things in life are about the attitude you have.

No, of course you are not unreasonable for being happy. It's great. I don't think the "bad" things you've listed are irreparable or unchangeable either.
I did feel for your husband when you said he would like your marriage to contain sex. Is he happy? I don't think I could stay in a relationship where the other person had to suffer and put on a happy face. I'm sure it's not fantastic for him being classed as a sibling. Maybe, as you are happy without sex and not in love, it would be kinder to be single and let him go and find someone else who really loves him? You know him best obviously, he may be happy where he is.

I couldn't stay in job I hated. Why don't you find another job?
I understand making peace with the other aspects.

I say this from a point of view of an incurable, irritatingly positive, optimistic person: I think the ability to be content is an absolute gift. And if more people had it the world would be a happier place. The need for more more more - stuff, experiences, love, wealth whatever - is what drives so much unhappiness. To be content is a great thing and I think “brava”! for you op.

I can relate . I feel content. I'm nearly 50.

I had a breakdown, left my great career so I could concentrate on my daughter who has autism. Helped to nurse my bedbound father until he died. My partner left , was hoping through a difficult time with chronic illness. Worried about bills to the point of not opening post. Haven't had a holiday abroad in 20 plus years. Am now full time carer for my mum with Alzheimers.
I live in a 2 bedroom with mum, teenage daughter and dogs. I feel content. My mum goes to daycare and each day I take my dogs to the most beautiful local park and connect with nature.
I don't want for anything just a clean and safe home environment for my daughter and Mum.
I love my coffee, my walks, netflix and just relaxing when I can, listening to the dogs snoring xx

@EvilElsa Yep, it was cruel of me to compare him to a sibling; I would be really hurt if he did that. I guess I was trying to be amusing about it all. It's a complex situation which I won't go into at this point - we both have health issues that got in the way of a healthy sex life. I think we both hope that the situation will change, but we are scared to even try.

@lljkk I am working on it, yep. It's not actually the job I do that I hate, it's the appalling management and (a few) toxic people. But I have been doing a degree and am now very close to qualifying to do something else.

@PhoenixIsFlying You sound like you have true purpose in life. It may be extremely hard to have two people depend on you, but you have a huge role, and I bet you are more fulfilled than many people with far easier lives. And yes, dog snoring is glorious (as opposed to human snoring 🙄)

I have a different take on it. Life definitelybisn’t perfect but I am happy because I choose what I am going to think and I choose happiness.

Sure we all have problems but there is no law that says you have to worry about them. I don’t care what people think of me, I don’t internalise other peopke’s nastiness. In this moment I choose to feel blissfully happy. I have done a lot of meditation though.

If you read up on Stoicism, which is massive in the US a lot of the things you’ve mentioned are core theories. Choosing not to worry as it’s not helpful etc

I feel like you op. And our first two circumstances are very similar. Wouldn't mind if the man disappeared tbh but I'm living a very low key, not successful on paper life but I have two lovely children and not too much stress day to day and some great pets and live in middle of nowhere. My friends are all very far flung but it's OK.
For me, not worrying myself about a man has been the single best thing. Wasted my 20s doing that and the freedom from it is great. As a divorced mate said, they need us, we don't need them.

I think sometimes security and routine can be enough to feel content. Especially for someone who had a difficult childhood or have recently endured tough events in life. I think that noticing the beauty in everyday things and enjoying the small, simple things is very important and valuable.

I've tried to learn not to worry. When I was severely ill I thought of taking my own life but a friend talked me round and I decided there and then that if I was choosing to live I would choose to be happy.
So with the help of anti depressants and yes being stoic and being helped by no longer letting the state of my marriage bother me I've chosen to be happy.
One of my very closest friends has died this year...she wanted to live so badly that I feel I owe her that.
Yes life is shit (these are her words) but I still want it.
I think you learn to make your own happiness and yes I laughed when you said about therapy to find out if I'm actually happy or just faking it.
I have (another) friend who is convinced I'm just faking it because I can't be happy in my marriage. I often think she is right because I can get so down but I no longer feel desperate as I used to. I think that's a getting older thing.

I think that if, in life, you have enough space to live, and live safely, and some degree of choice about how to spend your time and money, then you’re doing really well.

Throughout all of human history, this has not been available to most people.

It’s ok to be content.

I crave days just going for walks, reading, doing things in my own garden, baking, getting the house tidy, sitting with a cup of tea, spending time not having to answer to anyone else’s questions or listen to their problems. I can’t remember the last time I had a whole day like this. I think genuinely it was in about 2008.

That you can do these things is lovely.

If you know that you can live with yourself with the decisions you are making now, then what more do you need? If you think you might regret something that you are doing, or not doing, in future, then you need to weigh up your options in contemplation of making a change.

I know people who ‘have it all’ and are miserable. People who look successful, beautiful , rich on the outside but struggling with mental health, domestic abuse, alcoholism when you scratch the surface. If you’re happy then great. There’s no need to chase what society says you should.

I know it's not the point of the thread but if you do want to get your sex life back, I have some advice on that too. A good few years ago DP went through a long period of being very ill, and once she got better, I found it hard to start seeing her as someone to fancy again, rather than someone to care for and look after.

We had a few abortive attempts to get things going again, but what eventually worked was agreeing that we'd commit to doing something we hadn't done for ages every three days.

Things had deteriorated to the point that we could start with really small things - a proper kiss, her sitting on my lap, giving the back of her neck a little stroke etc.

It was a bit silly, and felt a bit awkward sometimes, but it trained our brains back into looking for something sexy to do to each other, and as we ran out of little things to do it built up the tension, both of us looking forward to the other escalating things slightly

Happiness has nothing to do with your circumstances, it's all down to your mindset.

Thanks @fdgdfgdfgdfg , I feel like we have become too mortified to even talk about doing something about it. But your suggestion is lovely and doable I think.

@VerveClique I hope you get some of that precious free time someday soon. That is a very long time to be without it.

@petuniasandpetals sorry for using a cliched term, but that is a big journey you have been on, and good for you for moving into the light. I am very sorry you lost your close friend.

@KittySmith1986 you make a good point. A background of childhood tension and watching for trouble can make you a bit a of a security addict.

@Carouselfish sorry you have also experienced the workplace hell. I hope you weren't also bullied, I wouldn't wish my experience on bloody Putin!

Heavily relate. I also had a seriously messed-up childhood and we’ve had some major issues in the family over the last few years. I have had some MH challenges, our 17 year marriage isn’t what anyone would sign up for, but I think now I’ve just come to a point where if the kids are happy (they seem to have it pretty sweet) and we’re all healthy, then everything else is piss-in-the-pool. No, my life isn’t what I would once have hoped but there are countless millions of people all over the world with real life-or-death problems who’d think I’m a lucky fucker. Sometimes I feel this weird sense of optimism and well-being and realise - it’s contentment. If this is as good as it ever gets, and it may well be, then that’s fine. I also love my animals so much, I think that’s got a bizarre amount to do with it 😂

Have you always been like this @Fluffytuffs ?

I can really relate to your description of finding joy in nature, sometimes I just sit with the windows down in the car for a couple of minutes and listen to birdsong and it really lifts my spirits and distracts me from some of the bad things happening in my life.

Disclaimer - I know the birds are actually singing 'oi you over there f*ck off my patch' but it sounds nice.

I feel the same. Am not sure if it is good really though in my situation because I put up with a lot of crap I shouldn’t. Even when my partner is verbally abusive and I feel horrendous, within about 20 minutes I feel happy again. It is like I can block things out really quickly and focus on anything good, even if it is small. My brain is so good at finding serotonin boosts. If I could be unhappier for longer, I would probably have changed things by now.

i can also choose what to think, with a lot of things anyway. Many thoughts are just stories your mind tells you, they don’t need to be given as much power and importance as they are, especially if they’re unhelpful.

I also bounce back quickly after disappointments and don’t ruminate on things.

I’m a therapist so I think I’ve absorbed a mindful/acceptance/compassionate approach to life through my work.

Thank you fluffytuffs for your kind words and perspective. So many people tell me I should put Mum in a home so your words were very reassuring xx

Well your words helped me too. Enjoy those happy doggy snores tonight x