To tell DD to be careful talking about her body issues

[year12clueless]

I really don't know how to handle this. DD 17 is an objectively extremely attractive girl. 5'4, size 4, curves, blonde hair, green eyes. Skin good, very sporty. I'm not just saying she's attractive because I'm her mum- she's also done some petite size modelling so fits conventional beauty standards.

She's had a difficult few years. A late ADHD diagnosis and trials with medicating left her at one stage very thin (6.5 stone) and anxious and there was a self harm incident so I treat her mental health very carefully. We got her to talk to a therapist whilst all this was happening and the therapist also flagged she had moderate body dysmorphia- what other people see when they look at her isn't what she sees.

She can list (exhaustively) a list of "flaws" that no one else can see- chubby cheeks, weirdly shaped teeth, short torso, stubby fingers etc etc. The thing is, she complains to her friends about this, and posts pics of her (in the group chat they have to discuss what they're wearing) dissecting how rubbish she looks- when objectively she's looking lovely.

This has begun to annoy her friends and I absolutely understand why. It's very hard to feel sympathetic when a size 4 is telling you she feels chunky. They don't really understand the body dysmorphia and it just seems like she's fishing for compliments. They don't see her hysterical after trying on 15 prom dresses that make her look "awful" in all of them- they just see someone complaining unnecessarily.

One of her friends recently asked her to stop criticising how she looks as it was upsetting her. DD was really upset as she thinks she can't now be herself with her friends, but I've told her that whilst what she has is real, its incredibly hard for people who aren't her mum to feel sympathetic towards her, and perhaps a collection of other teen girls aren't the best support for this. I suggested she tone it down, stop talking to her friends about what she's wearing/ looking like, talk to me about her worries if she needs to but to also try to accept that objectively she's very pretty and to try to understand what people see.

She's a bit upset with me as she says it sounds like I'm telling her to pull herself together and get over it. Which I think I am in a way but I've tried to be kind. Honestly I sympathise with her friends a bit- it's hard listening to someone fretting about non existent body flaws.

Anyone with any experience in this who can help? Should I have kept quiet and let her carry on sharing with her friends?

I think her friends are telling her clearly how they feel and she needs to listen to them.
It's a tricky one for sure but she definitely needs to learn to navigate it

Exactly. I know she has a mental health issue but it shouldn't be her friend's responsibility to live with it as well.

Well are they all consistently looking for reassurance? Or is it just her?

Is she still being treated?

I would also be concerned that, if her current friends distance her, your DD could fall in with others who share her dysmorhpia and het
into a kind of competitive downward spiral.
It think she needs some kind of therapy; You could discuss it with the GP or her school.

Sorry if this question is inappropriate.. so many things are these days but whose idea was it for her to do the modelling please?

I think she’s old enough to understand that she can have her very real feelings without sharing them with her friends, if that sharing is causing harm to those friends.

If she can’t look outside of herself to understand why other people’s feelings sometimes need to come first, that’s something else she needs to work through in therapy.

You’ve offered her another outlet with yourself, even though I’m sure it drives you up the wall to listen to too.

I wish my mum had been more like you when I was younger. You sound wonderful.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Whilst we absolutely must help our kids to navigate issues with their mental health and encourage them to support each other we also need to help them understand that they need to be sensitive to others too!! Many current teens seem to somehow think their own personal issues trump everyone else’s.

C@year12clueless by suggesting she stops these kind of posts you’re not really saying she should pull herself together and stop feeling this way, rather she should moderate how and how much she expresses it due to impact on others. This is adult life. If she isn’t currently seeing a therapist then she probably should.
Can you help her understand what you’ve explained here, how her comments could be upsetting to others (or in fact be triggering for other girls with low self esteem eating disorders etc)?

My best friend is like this. She's also very pretty, blonde, blue-eyed, very slim and everyone in the world thinks she's very attractive. I've known her since school and she has never ever had any confidence in her looks and in fact always wanted plastic surgery for some non-existent problems she made up in her head. She's 37 and honestly still looks like she did when she was 17 (and gets asked for ID all the time). I would kill to look like her!

Anyway, I've just accepted that she's fishing for compliments all the time and usually just go with it. However, I must say that as long as I have known her, she has always had problems with men who are initially very attracted to her but get bored/tired of her low self-esteem. Just something to be aware of for the future.

She was approached by the mother of a friend who worked for an agency.

Does your daughter acknowledge that her friends may be larger than her and that by calling herself chubby/ugly etc she is suggesting they are even chubbier and uglier?

In fairness to Dd they all use the chat to critique themselves

I don't think you were wrong to point out to her that you need to consider your audience when you're having a moan or wanting reassurance/validation

Even as someone with body dysmorpia and ADHD it is still a good idea to consider other people's feelings and try not have an "it's all about me" mind set

It can be very tedious when conventially attractive people moan about their appearance constantly so it's not a bad things for her to be aware of this

in the group chat they have to discuss what they're wearing

I'm a bit confused by this. What do you mean they "have to"? It sounds like this particular practice isn't good for your DD's mental health. It's bound to be a trigger.

You were right to talk to her about it. Her friends will end up distancing themselves if this continues. Though I can understand why your DD is upset about it. I imagine she feels critisized. Hopefully after she's had some time to process it, the message will sink in. Is she still receiving MH support?

This is a good question.

Your DD sounds emotionally mature enough to accept that she has a problem.

Can she use this maturity to make the logical connection between what she's saying about her size compared to the size (literal dress size) her friends are. Can she see that if she's saying size 4 is fat then they will feel she's saying they're huge?

Can you set out to her that this is less about her self esteem and more about her friendships evolving from teenage friendships and into adult friendships, where the expectations are different? For example, as teens we would talk about who we had kissed, self harm, literally anything and everything, but as adults you dont talk about that stuff in the same way and that is what she is now navigating - the transition to adulthood.

Also, you sound like a great mum X

I don’t think it’s about not understanding about body dysmorphia. It might be part of it.

It’s exhausting, constantly trying to reassure someone who can’t reassured. For every conversation to be the same. As you say, her mental health issue isn’t their responsibility and it’s exhausting. And they are teens.

But there could be other stuff going on. If they don’t feel particularly happy with themselves and feel she is prettier, heating her moan all the time might be actively causing them more body image issues. So not only are they struggling to support, but she is actively making things worse for them.

They may feel she is fishing for compliments, but they may also not like hearing how awful she about herself. If someone I love says awful things about themselves it would make me sad. But after many attempts at supporting I would feel frustrated.

They may also believe that this sort of chat isn’t helping her. It’s just indulging her body dysmorphia and making it worse.

You are right, she needs to learn that she can’t assume everyone is available to support and listen every time she feels the need to do this. Ultimately a friend told her this is upsetting, but your dd isn’t worried about that. She is upset for herself. I get she has mental health problems and it’s very difficult as a teen. But could she possibly do this a lot. Someone talks about their feelings and she makes it about her?

You are doing the right thing. Both you and dd sound genuinely lovely.

But unfortunately dd is creating a real personality flaw or becoming self obsessed, putting her feelings before others by not respecting other clear boundaries.

They are saying "you are upsetting me by complaining about your model appearance" and without realisation dd is replying, I don't care, listen to more of it.

Poor dd I think she needs more help than she can expect off her friends and maybe it's time to get some external help. I wonder if you could gently try to use another example to explain to her? Like if none of her friends liked spiders but she kept on bringing up her fear it would make friends want to withdraw to protect from constant spider talk?

Teens are tricky on the best of days. I think your doing an amazing job. She is very lucky

I would gently suggest that modeling is about the worst career choice/pass time for anyone with a body image problem.

Perhaps you can coax her out of it OP? The modeling i mean.

Ah, that’s a tricky one. I’m assuming at least some of her friends are bigger than her/are less conventionally attractive?

If so, is there anything she’s not naturally good at? For example: if she has to work really hard in English/Maths/science and had scraped a B in an exam, ask her how she would feel if her friend got an A, but kept complaining that this was a rubbish result.

Even if her friend genuinely thought she had done poorly, I bet your daughter would be frustrated listening to her complain. She might even feel worse about her own results after hearing her friend’s negativity.

I think if your daughter is doing this she should go back for some therapy, most likely CBT. Her constant self-dissection via her friends is part of the dysmorphia and is feeding into the problem. She needs to stop the behaviour altogether but also supported to see how it reinforces her negative thoughts about herself.
You sound like you're doing a good job but need some outside help.

I wasn't thrilled when it was suggested. It's not fun high fashion - she's usually in a warehouse somewhere waiting round for hours wearing catalogue clothes so not glam! Also not well paid particularly so I am discouraging her. She's recently grown a bit more (when she started eating again!) and at 5'4" she's possibly now a bit for petite but too small for standard so it might phase itself out.

I'd guess with the ADHD she's essentially fishing for dopamine fulfilling compliments. I would explain that it looks a bit self absorbed, how about finding ways to complement other people without disparaging herself so the group naturally becomes more supportive? And crucially to get her some role models (disrupt her insta feed!) that are inspirational for things other than looks.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write some fantastic responses. You've expressed it better than I did! She does need to get better at reading more adult friendship dynamics and responding appropriately. She also needs to be more empathetic to her friends. The thing is she's a massive cheerleader for her friends- she champions body positivity, always finds things to compliment about them and genuinely means it- yet she can't turn this positivity on herself.

I hadn't thought about that. Interesting.