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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby has an 'insecure attachment'

52 replies

raisingalittleone96 · 27/06/2023 09:49

I'm hoping someone with knowledge around attachment can comment, as any information I learnt about it was many years ago when I did an A level in Psychology, which I subsequently failed!

DD is 11 months. Her dad left when I was pregnant, so it's pretty much always been just me and her most of the time. My ex sees her once a week (sometimes every 2 weeks). DD can never settle with him and always cries hysterically whenever he holds her. The crying gets worse and worse until he eventually gives her back to me. This has been on ongoing thing for quite some time now.

My ex, along with his mother, are now both saying that DD has an insecure attachment as she should be able to go to anyone without crying (she does actually go to lots of people in the extended family without crying, it's just him she cries with). I've tried to explain that the reason she cries is probably because he doesn't see her very often and if he wants to build a proper bond with her, he needs to have her more regularly. However, this has fallen on deaf ears and he is insistent that she has an insecure attachment and I've been spoiling her.

Can anyone advise if this a sign that my DD has an insecure attachment? It's really upset/annoyed me as being a single parent is so hard and I feel I've tried (and continue to try) my best.

OP posts:
Raaasaur · 27/06/2023 09:53

No, I think your baby is fine. My 10 month old cries if I so much as put him on the floor, so god only knows that they’d say about me.

I’d put this down to there being another agenda (ie knowing that the baby is not attached to them so is crying for you) at play on their part and enjoy your baby.

Pkhsvd · 27/06/2023 09:55

It’s laughable that they are blaming you for this; I work in this area and it sounds very much like she doesn’t have a bond with them as they don’t see her enough. Also this age is the prime age for separation anxiety which is a completely normal developmental phase and response to being with people they don’t know well.
He needs to work on engaging with her; does he see her with you there?

Bibbitybobbitty · 27/06/2023 09:56

Your baby sounds like she has a very secure attachment to you which is entirely normal at her age. You are quite correct that a brief visit every 2 weeks is not enough for dad to be familiar enough with her & her to have the same attachment to him. You sound like you are doing an amazing job, don't let them cause yourself to doubt it!

SunshinyDay1 · 27/06/2023 09:57

Dreadful what a load of tosh.
My Mil said baby cries because she doesn't see me enough. She saw her evry week when she woke her up from sleeping etc.

Absolutely disgusting to put this normal behaviour down to the baby.
Put your foot down and say she's too young and if dad hadn't left the baby would know him

Justchooseone · 27/06/2023 09:58

Competently, utterly, categorically not. It’s totally normal for baby to be distressed by being held by someone she doesn’t know at that age. It took my DS until about 22 months to be happy interacting with anyone who wasn’t mummy/daddy/nanny or his key worker. I’m pretty sure attachment theory isn’t actually supposed to be applied to very young babies??

They are twats, ignore them.

EmmaPaella · 27/06/2023 10:00

Good grief. No, she is an 11 month old baby who has a very secure attachment - to you.

HousePlantNeglect · 27/06/2023 10:02

Totally normal behaviour. Mine have all been been the clingiest at 9-12 months.

Cantchooseaname · 27/06/2023 10:03
  1. you can’t ‘spoil’ an 11 month old. They don’t understand the feelings/thoughts of others enough for that to even be a thing.
  2. her distress away from you/comfort with you is a sign of secure attachment. They are the issue, not you.
CoralBells · 27/06/2023 10:03

They're talking absolute rubbish.

Beamur · 27/06/2023 10:06

EmmaPaella · 27/06/2023 10:00

Good grief. No, she is an 11 month old baby who has a very secure attachment - to you.

This.
There's nothing wrong with you or your baby.

Aria2015 · 27/06/2023 10:06

No, if say the opposite! Very normal. Does she spend time with other male relatives? I know sometimes that some babies / small children can be more wary of men because of their size and deeper voice etc... Especially if they mainly spend time with female caregivers.

Tandora · 27/06/2023 10:07

Your ex and his mother are prize twats. Ignore , ignore, ignore. If his own baby doesn’t like him it’s nobody’s fault but his own. Your baby is normal. Babies that age scream when they are taken away from mum and held by people they aren’t familiar: comfortable with. Just ignore them. You are doing a fabulous job.

putthatdownsteve · 27/06/2023 10:10

If he wants a better bond with her, he needs to spend more time with her.

Otherwise, of course she will want to seek out her safe space - which is you. And totally and utterly normal and shows you do have a good bond with her.

Sometimes when people know they are the dickheads, they will talk complete shit to try and make themselves feel better.

tabulahrasa · 27/06/2023 10:10

That’s not what an insecure attachment is.

11 months is bang on average for being attached to the primary caregiver and scared of strangers.

Original poster
raisingalittleone96 · 27/06/2023 10:12

Thanks for your reassurance everyone. I was questioning it because from what I remember learning back at school, children who have an insecure attachment cry when away from their primary caregiver as they think they're not coming back, but children with a secure attachment don't cry because they know that their primary caregiver will eventually come back. Have I got that wrong?

OP posts:
FuckOffTom · 27/06/2023 10:17

They are talking absolute bollocks OP. I don’t even know where to begin!
Firstly, all babies go through separation anxiety from their primary caregiver around this age (and at other stages, too)
Secondly, if anything the fact that she wants you shows that she is securely attached to you if anything - you are her safe space!
Thirdly, she probably would be more comfortable around her dad if he bothered with her more.

You are doing just fine. Ignore those fuckwits!

Everydayimhuffling · 27/06/2023 10:19

OP, that's true, but much later on. Babies are developing attachments. Your baby is continuing to develop her attachment to you. She isn't developing her attachment to her dad because he isn't seeing her often enough and she can't remember him over that length of time yet.

FuckOffTom · 27/06/2023 10:20

raisingalittleone96 · 27/06/2023 10:12

Thanks for your reassurance everyone. I was questioning it because from what I remember learning back at school, children who have an insecure attachment cry when away from their primary caregiver as they think they're not coming back, but children with a secure attachment don't cry because they know that their primary caregiver will eventually come back. Have I got that wrong?

She is too little to demonstrate this behaviour. That research was carried out on older children. 11 months is way too young to show this type of behaviour.

My DS is 5 and he behaved the exact same way when he was that age. I followed all the attachment parenting stuff you can think of but ultimately, he just wanted him mum.
You should see him now - he still comes to me when he is sad etc but he is one of the most secure little boys I know.

Isheabastard · 27/06/2023 10:20

I’d read up on it and when you find something that explains it well, print it off and hand it to the idiots.

If your Dd cries when he picks her up, he should stop doing that. He should start by engaging with her, say, by playing with toys on the floor. He should gradually work up to cuddling her.

Babies do get more clingy to their primary caregiver about 10 months. It’s something to do with them being more aware of who they know and don’t know.

FuckOffTom · 27/06/2023 10:22

Isheabastard · 27/06/2023 10:20

I’d read up on it and when you find something that explains it well, print it off and hand it to the idiots.

If your Dd cries when he picks her up, he should stop doing that. He should start by engaging with her, say, by playing with toys on the floor. He should gradually work up to cuddling her.

Babies do get more clingy to their primary caregiver about 10 months. It’s something to do with them being more aware of who they know and don’t know.

Isn’t it around that age when they start to realise that they are actually a separate person from their
primary caregiver and that’s what causes it? Or have I got that wrong?

Boysmum92 · 27/06/2023 10:23

You can not spoil a baby with love, this is what actually builds a secure attachment! your doing a great job, he just needs to get his act together and see her more so shes more comfortable with him, this is completely normal for an 11 month old

J0S · 27/06/2023 10:23

What everyone else said. Stop discussing anything like this with your ex and certainly not with his mother. you don’t own her anything.

I hope he’s paying child support for his child.

NaughtPoppy · 27/06/2023 10:24

raisingalittleone96 · 27/06/2023 10:12

Thanks for your reassurance everyone. I was questioning it because from what I remember learning back at school, children who have an insecure attachment cry when away from their primary caregiver as they think they're not coming back, but children with a secure attachment don't cry because they know that their primary caregiver will eventually come back. Have I got that wrong?

Crying when you leave but being comforted by you when you return (eg she stops crying and is happy when given back to you) is a sign of a secure attachment.
An insecure baby might avoid showing any emotion whether to are there or not and go to anyone or any stranger without a fuss.
Or they might be distressed and not calm down or be regulated even once returned to you.

Original poster
raisingalittleone96 · 27/06/2023 10:25

J0S · 27/06/2023 10:23

What everyone else said. Stop discussing anything like this with your ex and certainly not with his mother. you don’t own her anything.

I hope he’s paying child support for his child.

He pays £30 a week 🙃 and has only started paying it within the last 2 months

OP posts:
FuckOffTom · 27/06/2023 10:25

OP if you have the time, buy the book ‘beyond the sling’ by that actress from The Big Bang Theory.

Some of it is a little OTT but it is a really interesting book about attachment theory and how babies develop bonds with their caregivers.

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