To ask if my baby has an 'insecure attachment'

[raisingalittleone96]

I'm hoping someone with knowledge around attachment can comment, as any information I learnt about it was many years ago when I did an A level in Psychology, which I subsequently failed!

DD is 11 months. Her dad left when I was pregnant, so it's pretty much always been just me and her most of the time. My ex sees her once a week (sometimes every 2 weeks). DD can never settle with him and always cries hysterically whenever he holds her. The crying gets worse and worse until he eventually gives her back to me. This has been on ongoing thing for quite some time now.

My ex, along with his mother, are now both saying that DD has an insecure attachment as she should be able to go to anyone without crying (she does actually go to lots of people in the extended family without crying, it's just him she cries with). I've tried to explain that the reason she cries is probably because he doesn't see her very often and if he wants to build a proper bond with her, he needs to have her more regularly. However, this has fallen on deaf ears and he is insistent that she has an insecure attachment and I've been spoiling her.

Can anyone advise if this a sign that my DD has an insecure attachment? It's really upset/annoyed me as being a single parent is so hard and I feel I've tried (and continue to try) my best.

My ex, along with his mother, are now both saying that DD has an insecure attachment as she should be able to go to anyone without crying

I think that’s the wrong way round. Separation anxiety I thought was a sign of a secure attachment to the primary caregiver

caveat - I’m not a psychologist

op the securely attached baby does cry when the mother leaves, and is consoled when she returns. The insecurely attached baby either isn’t consoled when mother returns (anxious style) or isn’t upset at all when she leaves (avoidant). As per the strange situation.
buf for what it’s worth, research has found these attachments are not necessarily stable over time.

This. They are the problem - push back firmly on this and have confidence in your parenting.

Their comments are really telling - he walked out when you were pregnant but of course it can’t be his fault !!!! She is as bad as he is - blaming you when her own son is at fault.

You need to develop some brisk responses beginning with ‘Don’t be ridiculous

As a PP said, if she cries when he holds her, stop that happening.

All sit on the floor, get him to look at her toys, talk about them, stack up bricks, press buttons and look like he’s having fun. Then let her see his interest and she will in time, want to go and join in with him while he interacts with her. That will build trust on her side.

That will take effort on his part though.

He can’t expect to just pick her up and expect her to be happy.

My first thought was exactly what a couple of PPs have said, which was that the problem is that he’s trying to hold her. If she was two months old, holding her would be the default. By eleven months, she will be able to choose when she wants a cuddle, but being held randomly isn’t something that should be forced on her.

Anyway, they sound horrible, trying to blackmail you with that kind of pressure. Hope you can find a way forward that is to your benefit and hers.

No she’s a baby. Babies are supposed to be with their mothers 24/7 but unfortunately society has tried to teach us that babies should be dumped in childcare and raised by strangers. Even animals get more time with their mothers then humans do these days. She cries because it’s her natural instinct, it’s there to protect her and to force you as her mother to care for and keep her safe. It won’t last forever but this is how babies are.

That is bollocks, and borderline cruel of them to even suggest it.

Be very very careful of these dickheads. They will cause more issues.

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job, and on your own as well.

11 months is peak separation / stranger anxiety time. Your DD is securely attached just not to her father. If he wants to change that he needs to spend more quality time with her.

I cannot believe he's trying to blame you for his short coming. Please show him this thread. I haven't read all the other replies but it's obvious that she cries with him because he doesn't spend enough time with her and she doesn't feel comfortable with him. There's nothing you can do about that.

When my kids joined nursery I found that they settled much better when they spent short days at nursery but 5 days a week. They needed that constant interaction. My youngest is almost two but he still cries at nursery after he's missed a week. For an 11 month old you are almost resetting the clock after one or two weeks and she will have to go through the settling in (ie getting attached and feeling secure in her environment) process again. The situation with your ex is like that. Not that I'm saying she should see him five days a week but unless he sees her more often she's not going to get attached to him for a long time. He's a stranger to her.

Also, I've got a feeling that if he is this ignorant about what attachment actually entails is he doing everything he can to make her feel safe and secure when he does see her? Is he patient with her when she cries or wriggles put of his arms? Does he try to comfort her in whatever way she needs be it with a cuddle or a song? Does he give it enough time before handing her back? Or does he get anxious and irritable if she cries?

Also, if you feel that he is responsible enough to take care of her on his own she might find it easier to settle when you are not around (just as they doat nursery).

People overthink attachment, usually there’s only an issue where there’s severe neglect or a traumatic removal/interruption between the baby and the primary caregiver (usually the mother). Some are super clingy, some babies are chilled and will go to anyone - insolation neither of these behaviours are a problem, they’re both entirely normal, after all babies have their own personalities even at that age! Your ex is a prick is what I’m trying to say.

If it is the holding that starts her crying then he needs to focus on interacting with her without holding her. Getting down on the floor and playing with her for a start. Sitting next to her at meal times and helping her with food. Talking to her. When she is confident with him, playing , responding and relating to him then she will be more likely to be happy with him holding, carrying and cuddling her.

Actually, ignore my last paragraph. He doesn't sound as if he's ready to have her own his own. What pp suggest above about sitting on the floor and him just being around while she plays is a good idea. She needs to get used to his presence first and then he can slowly and gently approach her.

When your DC is older, this is correct. But not yet, baby just wants you, that is biologically normal. If you carry on as you are then yes in time, the likelihood is that your DC will become confident and secure. This doesn't necessarily mean DC will want to spend time around Dad, if he's a half arsed loser. But that's on Dad, sounds like you're a great Mum.

Told him about this thread. Apparently none of you know what you're talking about 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your ex and his mum are talking total bollocks. Your interpretation is absolutely correct and when your ex or anyone else tries to chip away at your maternal instincts try to put up a mental shield against it and stand firm.

Of course.

What a knob.

He sounds delightful 😐

It’s easily available information, even if none of us were qualified to talk about it.

I’m sure it would be available in accessible formats if he’s having comprehension issues.

It sounds like she has a perfectly healthy and secure attachment. 11 months is prime time for separation anxiety, which they experience when separated from a primary caregiver. Your ex and his family are basically like the random auntie she sees at a family dinner every few weeks. She doesn't have a bond with them as they aren't a primary caregiver. It's a sign of a good healthy attachment that she is responding this way when handed over to someone who is basically an occasional babysitter.

My ex, along with his mother, are now both saying that DD has an insecure attachment as she should be able to go to anyone without crying

Why would a baby be happy to go to anyone? Babies aren’t stupid, they mostly aren’t going to be happy being held by someone
they don’t know.

If no one here knows what they’re talking about, have you asked where he’s sourcing his information from? I’d be asking to see his research. Because everyone here is correct, she’s crying because she doesn’t see him often enough and likely because she’s not bonded to him. Saying that, 10 months is peak separation anxiety time. Mine would sometimes cry going to his dad at that stage – they often just want their mum. It’s not a bad thing (although it can be draining!).

Thank goodness he's an ex.

If he wants a bond with his daughter then he has to make the time and effort to do it. An 11mo baby seeing someone for a few hours once a week isn't going to have the bond they have with their primary carer. It's just not possible.

My 12mo baby is more attached to me than my husband who lives in this house and has her solo/sees her plenty, just because we've been together constantly during maternity leave and she sees me as her primary carer because I've been doing the bulk of her care by virtue of being the one around to care for her all the time as he works (and she was breastfed so I always did nights). My older DD was the same until she got a bit older and now has the same kind of bond with both of us, although when she's upset she generally does still want me if I'm there.

I have two psychology based degrees. Attachment at 11 months would be considered secure if the child cries when the parent leaves, and is comforted by the parent when they return. Obviously there are other factors at play including personality, and familiarity with the person they're left with, but all of the attachment based research suggests that at this age they want to be with the primary caregiver, and that is perfectly normal and healthy. Once they get past about a year old, securely attached children use the primary carer as a secure base to explore the world from, but before that point, their behaviour is geared towards keeping that person close to them, because that's where they feel safest.

He is welcome to google Bowlby, Ainsworth, Harlow, as some excellent well respected academics who have done substantial research on this. Or he can continue being a dick. (I suspect I know which it will be.)

They've heard the term 'insecure attachment' and think they're psychologists now! And when they are not being armchair psychologists, they revert to being throwbacks from the 1950s and say, 'you've been spoiling her'!

Ignore them and don't overthink it! Babies that age are pretty clingy to their mums. Mine was even though he'd go to anyone when younger. Not even keen on his dad (and we were together). Only other person he was happy to go to was my friend's 11-year-old! He became more sociable again as he got older!

Five minutes a week is hardly likely to ensure she feels safe with him is it? What a jerk. Gaslighting you for his lack of parenting IQ.

No. This is what happens now everyone reads stuff online and tik toks mentioning these buzzwords and thinks they are psychologists. Your baby is fine. X

The mental gymnastics these wankers perform to make everyone else responsible for their inadequacies never fails to astonish me. He's a shit useless uninvolved dad, which is the OPs fault? Fuck me.