To think DS needn't wear lace-up shoes to school?

[ILoveMyGonk]

DS is 9 and in Year 4. A couple years ago, DH decided it was time for DS to switch to lace-up shoes and bought him trainers, which after much unhappiness, DS learned to tie, and he has worn lace-up casual shoes ever since.

His school shoes are still rip-tape, though. He is due a new pair. DH is adamant the new ones must lace up. DS is adamant that he hates lace-up shoes and will not wear them. In the meantime, his shoes are getting too short. I think they hurt his feet, but he won't admit it, because he doesn't want lace-up shoes.

I understand DH's point that DS should know how to tie shoes, but I think this has already been achieved, and it's not necessary to force it with the school shoes, as long as DS continues with the lace-up trainers.

By the way, the school couldn't care less. Either fastening is fine with them, as long as they are reasonable school shoes.

And yes, the whole thing seems silly, but I'm stuck between DH's and DS's stubbornness, watching DS limping around in too-short shoes.

YANBU - DS's new school shoes should be rip-tape
YABU - DS's new school shoes should have laces

Not really. He's wearing uncomfortable shoes because neither of his parents have gone ahead and replaced his shoes after they both realize they are too small.

I don't think this is as much of a big deal as some PP think. DS wears trainers and ties them the rest of the time, so it's not like laces are the end of the world. I don't think it matters that much in this case if you get Velcro or laces - I'd just go for whatever was available/affordable/fit the uniform code.

I've seen a y4 wear lace up school shoes.

An update, since I'm sure everyone is on the edge of their seats wanting to know the outcome...

I couldn't just buy new velcro shoes, as DH would notice (and he also knows I buy them online and it would be unlikely they would be out of stock). I actually did just buy the last pair, assuming that as long as DS was tying his casual shoes, it was fine if his school ones were velcro. DH complained to me about it for the next year, saying that I knew he wanted DS to have lace-up shoes but bought velcro anyway. I agreed that the next pair of school shoes would lace up. But as the time came to buy new shoes, I couldn't stand the thought of how unhappy it would make DS.

DH's reasoning over why DS should have laces is: "Because he's 9 years old and not a baby." (So, it's not completely about the shoes, but that DH thinks I baby DS, which I admit that I do.)

We had a chance in the last days of school to pay attention to whether the other boys had laces. I was a bit surprised to see that several did. I'd still say less than half, but more than I expected.

DS made it to the end of the year in the old shoes, and it has been hanging over my head all summer.

DH has now agreed that DS can have velcro school shoes if he also has a pair with laces that he wears once a week.

Kinda with your DH on this one, velcro shoes are really childish...

Seriously @ILoveMyGonk is your DH always so controlling?

Is he going to be the one arguing every morning with DS over tying his shoes?

He's being a twat and treating your DS like shit

FWIW my DD is about to start high school and has only just gone into lace-ups

Velcro makes everyone's life easier!

Tell DH to get a grip FFS

Get lace ups and add elastic lace so they are slip on.
Get slip ons
Get velcro
Your husband is picking strange battles

I'm sorry but you're all lunatics. I baby my eldest so I'm trying to phase out some bits but unless it's stunts his development (physically or emotionally) or he gets slagged for it who cares. Who actually has the time to be emotionally invested in their kids shoes. Do they fit? Are the decent shoes? Are they comfortable? Do they comply with uniform standards? And done. Why does DH's vote weigh more than yours and ds's?

Why is your DH so weird about laces? I’ve read the update but I still don’t understand why it’s such a big thing to him. Who gives a fuck what shoes a 9yo is wearing. Or anyone for that matter? I would never look at an adult’s shoes and judge them if they were slip ons/rip tape/fake laced. So weird.

Well, the shoes are for a child, not her DH, so I can't see a problem.

Let the boy have Velcro. A couple of mine were slow at learning laces so had Velcro shoes for as long as they needed. No one ever cared.

Compromise - laceup, but elastic laces :)

My son can't do his laces, but his school requires lace-up shoes (plus all the sports shoes of course), so I just replace them all with elasticated laces - in the case of the smart shoes, I tied them in a bow, loose enough for him to get them on, then super-glued them!

It is utterly bizarre that your husband cares so much about the style of your 9 year old's school-shoes though...

Your son is 9 and old enough to express an option on what shoes he wants to wear, why is your husband's opinion more important?

I bet there's so much more going on here than school shoes ☹️

Yes, there is much more going on here than just shoes, but I wanted to double-check that I wasn't the one who was nuts for thinking it might be fine for DS to have velcro 😂

Elastic laces are a good idea, except they don't solve the issue for us, which is that DH thinks DS should be tying his shoes.

DH's opinion shouldn't matter more, it's just that he is very stubborn and I am a non-confrontational people-pleaser. So, when he has a strong opinion, I often bow to it. It's just in this case DS also has a strong opinion (and I couldn't care less what shoes DS wears as long as they are comfortable and conform to the school's uniform requirements).

And it's not just the shoes, it's really anything DH notices that he doesn't like or thinks should be a certain way. For example, I generally choose and buy all of DS's clothes, but a few years ago, DH noticed that he didn't like something about DS's coat, so now I get DH's approval on any coat before I buy it for DS.

Your husband is being ridiculous.

Both my kids started secondary in velcro shoes because their feet were so small that nowhere sold laced shoes in their size.

Primary teachers much prefer that children wear velcro shoes rather than struggling with laces.

Your husband is being controlling. This should be a non-issue - why does he even care? At 9, surely it’s up to your DS what type of shoes he wants to wear as long as they are weather appropriate and compliant with school rules.

Your DH is being unreasonable. Buy the shoes your DS wants. They are just shoes, not worth a fight over.

Ds is 13 and has never worn lace up school shoes. He went from velco to slip on.

he has lace up PE trainers but seems to get them on and off without undoing

YANBU- ds13 still can’t tie his laces (we’ve tried, a lot) and we still get him Velcro or slip on shoes. Ds7 can tie his laces, has been able to for a couple of months and I’ve just ordered Velcro shoes for him. My dh hates laces and only gets slip ons, he’s in his 40s. I don’t see an issue!!

Your husband is controlling just for the sake of it, with no rhyme nor reason. I cannot believe that DS' clothing is the only arena in which his 'strong views' as you put it have you hand wringing and walking on eggshells over things that wouldn't register with most people.

Have a think OP about the example it's setting to your DC and your own self worth and maybe a read of 'why does he do that?' I think it's the title of Lundy Bancroft book.

He's nine.

If you can't be fucking childish at 9 years old when can you be? Jesus.

OP's husband is allowed to have opinions on his own children! Geez, Mumsnet sometimes.

I could of wrote this aswel OP. Last pair of shoes I bought my son were Dr marten kamrons, which have one velcro tab across the front but look smart. My son is terrible at laces (he's 10) so I just thought it would be easier for him. He spends most the time we are out tying up his laces on his trainers and it stresses me out.
My husband went mad, told me he would be picked on and he should wear shoes with laces. I made an effort to pay attention to the shoes wore by the other boys and the majority were trainer type with velcro.
Strangely he's never wore shoes with laces and husband has never had a problem but I usually buy Chelsea boots style. Which il be going back to for when he goes to seniors. No velcro and no laces so we will all be happy.

Being a "non confrontational people pleaser" and letting your son get bullied by your husband is really selfish and unacceptable. Your son needs you to fight his corner. He's only 9. Stop prioritising your own feelings and put your son first!

Your husband is extremely controlling in terms of what your son wears. Is it just on this that he is controlling or on other things as well? What happens when your husband doesn’t approve of what your son chooses to wear once he’s a teen and within reason it’s normal for them to choose their own stuff with very little input from parents?

OP's husband is allowed to have opinions on his own children! Geez, Mumsnet sometimes.

Of course. But when those opinions turn into controlling what your wife and child do, it’s not acceptable. The child can tie laces but wants Velcro shoes for school. If they’re suitable and within budget, he should be allowed them.