Am I really that bad of a partner?

[Alex296]

Bit of background I have been with my partner almost 2 years, I praise him all the time I am very romantic with gestures etc. however if something he does bothers me I do raise the issue. Issue 1 mainly being spending quality time, he thinks because we are living together and we see each others face that we are spending time together. I beg to differ as it’s not quality time, I’ve raised the issue previously and he makes an effort for about a week or two and then it’s back to minimal effort. The second issue being he takes his stress out on me. I approached him over the weekend and said I’d like to discuss these things because it’s starting to bother me and I’m open to discussing and trying to understand reasons why. He immediately got defensive and said all I do is complain, he’s sick of it, this is the 4th time I’ve brought this topic of spending time together up and in regards to him taking his stress out on me he doesn’t know why. The discussion got a little heated and he said you’re always talking about stupid sh*t and making me feel bad and it makes me question being with you at all. Obviously that hurt. He is lovely but there is this side of him that comes out when I try to communicate. Am I wrong to bring these things up? Should I just keep my mouth shut? Because now I’m feeling like I was wrong to even say anything.

What do you mean by "quality time" and how much "quality time" do you need?

Theoretically, of course you're not wrong to bring this up. We all deserve to be in relationships that work for us and, if a relationship is serious, it's not unreasonable for both partners to accommodate the preferences/needs of the other.

BUT.... someone insisting on more "quality time" also sets off alarm bells for me because I've seen this play out in RL and on here where "quality time" is really just about wanting to be with the person all the time and for the other person to not have any options for alone time or time away with friends/ family etc. It can be very controlling.

To me you do sound a little intense. I would find that annoying.
He doesn’t respond well though.

it doesn’t sound as though you are well matched.

Your needs are mismatched. You want ‘quality’ time (whatever that means to you) and he thinks living together is quality time.

What is your idea of quality time together?

Define "quality time"

Everyone i know who says their partner doesn't provide enough of this wants intense amounts of basically expensive, instagram worthy notions of "romantic" quality time, eg spa days together, expensive trips away, meals out, and is discounting curling up on the sofa together to watch a film.

It just means you're not compatible living together doesn't it? These things are often found out only after a few years.
You want to - presumably - socialise, for quality time.
He wants to chill at home.
Incompatible

ExBIL had SIL terrified to work 20 minutes late because it interrupted the time they spent together. She watched a lot of TV she wasn't interested in because he wanted to be on the couch with her, cuddling and being together. All the time.

A good friend has spent her entire married life going to bed early because her H can't sleep if she's not there cuddling with him and he has convinced her that this is how they stay connected.

You do sound a bit intense. Sorry. If you're the type who wants to be together cooking, watching tv, gardening whatever and he likes to chill by himself, perhaps you're just not compatible?

Sorry everyone, I should have added more context. We both work so we are like passing ships in the night, he goes to the gym and sees his friends and family. But we rarely sit down and spend any time together

More information needed to give a proper answer to this:

a) what do you mean by "quality time"?
b) what do you mean by "taking his stress out on me"?

On the face of it you're not wrong to want to spend quality time with your partner and not wrong to raise it. But if you're following him around mithering him about it and not allowing him to chill out or have any time on his own then I could see how that could become irritating.

Also: taking stress out on someone could include a huge spectrum ranging from being occasionally grumpy to beating them up. Where on this spectrum is "taking stress out on me"?

For further clarity, I really haven’t done too well explaining this 😂 I am not a control freak and I am more than happy when he says he’s going to do xyz away from me in his spare time. However he has a habit of telling me we will spend time together then gets sidetracked with friends or things like that and then comes home late so we don’t get the time together

But what do you want to do in this time together? And how often are you talking?

Frankly, if DH told me that we had to plan time together while living together, I'd get the ick. But obviously, if (pre kids) he was out 7 nights a week and didn't see me at all, I'd also have a problem with it.

Currently, we have DC and work so time together is limited but we catch up over meals a few times a week or chit chat during the day or occasionally watch a movie together or meet up with friends/family together etc. But we're not setting aside set times to be together and sitting down for romantic meals for two.

Are you both at home together in the evenings? What does a typical's day routine look like for example? How about a weekend?

It's very hard to assess any of this objectively as we're only getting one side of the story and no real evidence one way or the other.

Do you mean - he prioritises/prefers to see other friends to socialise rather than you? Always?
If that's the case then he's possibly just using you for sex, finances and housekeeping.

But if it's just sometimes, then that's different.

It's difficult though op, because you need to give so much information for us to work out what's going on.

If you mean that he's out seeing friends most nights and cancels plans with you to spend time with them then YANBU. And should probably be reconsidering the relationship.

Call it quits. Save yourself the trouble of longing for him to change. You've asked him repeatedly and he makes token efforts, then quits trying and verbally attacks you. He is not able or willing to meet your need for intimacy and connection.

Trust me as someone many years down the line. You're not a person he prioritises spending time with. You're a useful housemate. You have different intimacy needs. Let this one go.

but there is this side of him that comes out when I try to communicate. Am I wrong to bring these things up? Should I just keep my mouth shut? Because now I’m feeling like I was wrong to even say anything.

This was me a couple of years into my marriage... at the stage you are at, I decided to limit what I spoke to him about. Fast forward and he became more controlling and I wasted years trying to explain to him that relationships mean listening to each other. I regret I did not just leave when I first saw it.

@Alex296 It doesn't matter what the issue is, you ought to be able to have an equal conversation about it. It would be completely fine if he expressed what some people are saying here about not enjoying too much time with their partner or whatever, but the problem is you can't even talk to him about it without him deflecting blame onto you, putting you down by accusing you of always complaining, and basically being aggressive. His "defensive behaviors" are aggressive and adversarial, and simply shut down any possibility of conversational equality and this is probably what he wants - for you to shut the hell up about things he doesn't care about.

For this reason you need to consider whether you want to be with this person. Two years in is the when this kind of behaviour can rear its head and all you can do is cut your losses and get out asap. He won't change. Look up "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and read Lundy Bancrofts "Why Does He Do That?"

If you can't talk to about issues that are import to you... well, that is not a relationship - it is one person dictating the rule that they are the only person who gets to raise concerns and the other person has to put up and shut up.

I had no idea the phrase quality time was so divisive! DH and I both use it to describe time where we are together and able talk / enjoy each others company, not time when we’re preoccupied with work or juggling other commitments.

If you are not able to bring up something you are unhappy about without your partner shouting you down then it suggests they’re not interested in what makes you happy. Similarly if they always choose spending time with others over you, even when you have plans, then I’d reconsider if it was the right relationship.

I think @3487642I has given you the expanded version of what I wrote. Please trust people who have been there and really think about whether this is the partner you need.

And honestly having read your OP again he sounds horrible to you. He's not doing you some massive favour by being with you! Either he enjoys your company or he doesn't. Maybe you ARE talking about stupid shit OR maybe you're a self-reflective person dating a knuckle dragger with the emotional range of a turnip. Only you can tell.

But it's ok to say: 'This guy can be nice at times but he's not capable of meeting my needs nor me his. It's ok for us to part company.' If you don't, you will find yourself suppressing your needs to appease him until you lose your sense of self. Who you are and what you need. This is often a pattern that begins in childhood with emotionally unavailable parents.

I wouldn’t use the phrase quality time, it’s elusive. I would think of things you both enjoy and book them in. Eg hey, there’s a gig on next month shall we go? Or shall we cook together this Friday, what do you fancy? If in fact, he chooses other plans over yours, then ltb. If you’re happy to do more of the planning and that works then great. Otherwise, you have a partner who doesn’t really want to spend any time with you and that will only get worse.

It depends what you want from “quality time”.

To me quality time is getting home from work, eating a meal together, watching some TV and going to bed. Then there’s date nights where you’d go out for a meal or days out.

What do you ex

Posted too soon

Whag do you expect from quality time.

I'd stop focussing on who is right and wrong and look at whether this is a relationship that is giving you what you want.

You can't work on a relationship alone, and he clearly has no interest in changing, so if this relationship isn't suitable for you, you don't have to keep choosing to stay in it.

Yeah you need to be more precise about what you want. quality time and taking out stress is too vague.

I think you need to be more specific.

What do you mean by quality time? Do you ever arrange anything to do together or do you just want him to be home with you watching TV instead of out with his mates?