Am I really that bad of a partner?

[Alex296]

Bit of background I have been with my partner almost 2 years, I praise him all the time I am very romantic with gestures etc. however if something he does bothers me I do raise the issue. Issue 1 mainly being spending quality time, he thinks because we are living together and we see each others face that we are spending time together. I beg to differ as it’s not quality time, I’ve raised the issue previously and he makes an effort for about a week or two and then it’s back to minimal effort. The second issue being he takes his stress out on me. I approached him over the weekend and said I’d like to discuss these things because it’s starting to bother me and I’m open to discussing and trying to understand reasons why. He immediately got defensive and said all I do is complain, he’s sick of it, this is the 4th time I’ve brought this topic of spending time together up and in regards to him taking his stress out on me he doesn’t know why. The discussion got a little heated and he said you’re always talking about stupid sh*t and making me feel bad and it makes me question being with you at all. Obviously that hurt. He is lovely but there is this side of him that comes out when I try to communicate. Am I wrong to bring these things up? Should I just keep my mouth shut? Because now I’m feeling like I was wrong to even say anything.

He doesn’t see the point in making any effort any more. Try telling him it’s not working and that you plan to live separately instead to see if that improves things. Move out or kick him out.

It's always a bad sign in a relationship when you start to feel like "I should've just not brought this up!"

Fundamentally you don't sound compatible. You value different things in a relationship, and you don't communicate well.

You're stuck in the cycle of seeing temporary change but then always reverting back to old ways. This suggests that ultimately he just isn't the partner you want or need.

He sees himself as being henpecked.

Are you clicking around him asking to spend more time with him, getting in his nerves wanting attention as soon as he's in from work? Does he have his own space?

Some people feel that the constant attention around them is akin to having a fly buzzing around them which is a great annoyance. That seems to be how he feels.

Do you think if you backed off a little bit he might relax more and be more agreeable?

This relationship has gone stale.

Time to move on.

Fuck this shit absolutely sky high. What a joke.

From experience, if he is continuously prioritising his friends, hobbies and interests over you then it’s unlikely it’ll change. If you feel like you’re continually making the effort to have any kid of social life or spend any time together, it’s because he’s a selfish bastard who doesn’t want to compromise his lifestyle to accommodate you.

However try and have a calm conversation with him and suggest what you’d like to do together. Don’t waste your time trying to become someone he wants to spend time with, whatever the fuck that means. That’s truly awful advice. You can’t make someone invest in a relationship if they don’t want to.

@Alex296 In any relationship you must be able to share concerns and feelings without the other person being threatening or defensive. That's the basis of a healthy relationship and what allows you to have that important give and take and ability to see it from the other's perspective. Threatening to end it because you express a need isn't making sustainable changes to meet, isn't a grown up response.

Sometimes I think defining what these things look like is important. When you talk about quality time, can that be quantified. For example, baring an emergency that means we have one evening a week that we only see one another and one day at the weekend we do an activity together and have a meal together. The what is based on both your interests, but those things are important.

I'd also look into Love Languages. You may simply have different Love Languages. Reading that and talking it through can help make people less defensive b/c it isn't they are doing something wrong, it's that you feel loved and cared for based on different things. Good Luck!