Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really that bad of a partner?

56 replies

Alex296 · 26/06/2023 13:00

Bit of background I have been with my partner almost 2 years, I praise him all the time I am very romantic with gestures etc. however if something he does bothers me I do raise the issue. Issue 1 mainly being spending quality time, he thinks because we are living together and we see each others face that we are spending time together. I beg to differ as it’s not quality time, I’ve raised the issue previously and he makes an effort for about a week or two and then it’s back to minimal effort. The second issue being he takes his stress out on me. I approached him over the weekend and said I’d like to discuss these things because it’s starting to bother me and I’m open to discussing and trying to understand reasons why. He immediately got defensive and said all I do is complain, he’s sick of it, this is the 4th time I’ve brought this topic of spending time together up and in regards to him taking his stress out on me he doesn’t know why. The discussion got a little heated and he said you’re always talking about stupid sh*t and making me feel bad and it makes me question being with you at all. Obviously that hurt. He is lovely but there is this side of him that comes out when I try to communicate. Am I wrong to bring these things up? Should I just keep my mouth shut? Because now I’m feeling like I was wrong to even say anything.

OP posts:
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 26/06/2023 15:06

What’s the point of having a partner if you don’t even spend time with them?
Do you still have to have sex with them?
I’d feel like an unpaid prostitute.

onefinemess · 26/06/2023 15:15

Talling someone they must spend time with you, is guaranteed to make them not want to spend time with you.

Being together should be a natural process, it should be something you both enjoy.

It's about as effective as forcing people to "have fun".

If you want your partner to spend time with you, give them an incentive to do it. Men and women think differently, for him it's logical to say "we live together, we see each other all the time". But you want an emotional connection, so you have to foster that reaction. Having someone sitting beside me ot the couch, when they would prefer to be doing something else, would be awful. For both of us.

Become the reason he wants to stay at home.

SquirrelSoShiny · 26/06/2023 15:24

onefinemess · 26/06/2023 15:15

Talling someone they must spend time with you, is guaranteed to make them not want to spend time with you.

Being together should be a natural process, it should be something you both enjoy.

It's about as effective as forcing people to "have fun".

If you want your partner to spend time with you, give them an incentive to do it. Men and women think differently, for him it's logical to say "we live together, we see each other all the time". But you want an emotional connection, so you have to foster that reaction. Having someone sitting beside me ot the couch, when they would prefer to be doing something else, would be awful. For both of us.

Become the reason he wants to stay at home.

Alternatively, ignore this completely, be yourself and find a partner who loves spending time with the actual you, rather than 'you squeezed into the shape most pleasing to your man'.

I promise you, if you are a people pleaser you will lose yourself meeting his needs and none of your own. Been there, done that. The cost is so very high. Nothing is worth it.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 26/06/2023 15:39

thecatinthetwat · 26/06/2023 13:58

I wouldn’t use the phrase quality time, it’s elusive. I would think of things you both enjoy and book them in. Eg hey, there’s a gig on next month shall we go? Or shall we cook together this Friday, what do you fancy? If in fact, he chooses other plans over yours, then ltb. If you’re happy to do more of the planning and that works then great. Otherwise, you have a partner who doesn’t really want to spend any time with you and that will only get worse.

This really got me thinking what everyone sees as spending time together.
I wouldn’t see going to a gig as time together, since you’re not actually doing anything together and can’t really talk (of anything that actually matters at least).

Gosh, it really is rough trying to find a right partner.

Stillcantbebothered · 26/06/2023 15:46

SpringOn · 26/06/2023 13:04

To me you do sound a little intense. I would find that annoying.
He doesn’t respond well though.

it doesn’t sound as though you are well matched.

How is she intense? Wanting to spend time with your partner rather than just hello and bye and standard daily talk while he sticks in his face in his phone all day is now intense?

Theoscargoesto · 26/06/2023 15:55

I think it’s really unfair for you to be harshly judged here.

As to your question, no, you are not a bad partner. You want someone who listens to you and hears what you gave to say. You want a dialogue and perhaps some compromise. From what you say, you ask for a different response from your partner. He changes for a bit (so accepting your point of view) but then reverts. H is telling you that you don’t actually matter much.

So no, you aren’t a bad partner. And yes, you deserve better. I’m with other posters: this is your life if you don’t leave now. Or get some therapy to understand why you don’t regard your needs as important

Stillcantbebothered · 26/06/2023 18:08

SquirrelSoShiny · 26/06/2023 15:24

Alternatively, ignore this completely, be yourself and find a partner who loves spending time with the actual you, rather than 'you squeezed into the shape most pleasing to your man'.

I promise you, if you are a people pleaser you will lose yourself meeting his needs and none of your own. Been there, done that. The cost is so very high. Nothing is worth it.

Show quote history

Thank you @SquirrelSoShiny i can’t belie the other posters accusing OP of being controlling because she wants to spend time with her partner. Feels like majority or relationships on mumsnet are just friends with benefits.

misskatamari · 26/06/2023 18:11

He sounds really emotionally immature. You don't have to put up with a partner who doesn't want to spend time with you, and is horrible to you when you try and discuss issues like an adult

Original poster
Alex296 · 26/06/2023 23:17

I appreciate all contributions and a lot have called me intense but that could be my fault because I didn’t explain enough. Spending time together I am happy enough with an hour or two a week one night watching a movie together or actually having a conversation with substance. It can seem like you are together sat on the same sofa but if im trying to talk and he takes a phone call from his friends and half listens to me then I don’t feel like im spending any time with him no because he’s not even present despite his physical presence if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alex296 · 26/06/2023 23:42

Tonight for example, he’s come in and not even asked how I am or how my day was. Just looked and seen I’m physically fine obviously and asked me a few questions about something else and now he’s gone to do his own thing upstairs. I asked him how he is and how his day was btw.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/06/2023 23:49

Alex296 · 26/06/2023 23:42

Tonight for example, he’s come in and not even asked how I am or how my day was. Just looked and seen I’m physically fine obviously and asked me a few questions about something else and now he’s gone to do his own thing upstairs. I asked him how he is and how his day was btw.

I think you're being taken for granted.

Up to you whether you'll put up with it or not

JudgeRudy · 27/06/2023 00:06

I don't think you're wrong to bring things up if you feel something is amiss or upsetting you. I do think you're a little niave to have not realised he doesn't want the same as you and is just trying to appease you. You sense his efforts are half hearted. If you bring up this 'shit' again you're nagging and are risking losing him, if you don't you're accepting what's on offer. No one's right or wrong as such, but I sense you are feeling unloved and insecure. That doesn't make for a happy life.

Sunnyfeelgood · 27/06/2023 00:16

When I was younger I used to think that if I loved the person, then it was my job to make a relationship work 'no matter what'. That made me ignore these huge big red flags and walk myself straight into unhappiness.

We can't be well matched with everyone, no matter how much we fall for them. Often we don't find this out until we live with them, long after we develop deep feelings. These kinds of things are the things that are telling you that you are incompatible.

  1. He doesn't want to spend quality time (or crappy time) with you anymore
  2. He does not want to communicate with you to work through issues

If he was open to number 2, then you would have a chance at fixing 1. But seeing as he is shutting you down, this is just your relationship now.

Ps. NEVER push down your needs because another person pisses all over them. This is your sign that he is not your person, not that your needs should be ignored.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2023 00:19

I'm not even going to bother to address your issues because it doesn't matter.

Your relationship is doomed. You are not suited for each other. The end.

Break it off and move on with your life.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/06/2023 00:30

So because he "sees" you every day, eg in the morning when you're both getting ready for the day, after work as he passes by and says a very brief hello, that is him thinking you spend time together?

Nah, I couldn't be doing with that.

You are now out of your honeymoon period. This is him. He clearly does my see it as a problem so your only options are to put up or get out.

Can you imagine having a family with him? The poor DC.... I think you should get out. It might be sad for awhile, but it gives you a chance to find someone compatible.

He sounds like one of those people who makes an absolutely fabulous friend, but is a really crap partner.

Stillcantbebothered · 27/06/2023 03:12

Alex296 · 26/06/2023 23:42

Tonight for example, he’s come in and not even asked how I am or how my day was. Just looked and seen I’m physically fine obviously and asked me a few questions about something else and now he’s gone to do his own thing upstairs. I asked him how he is and how his day was btw.

Please do not have children with him and get stuck.

As others have said you should not be drowning your needs to keep hold of a man who doesn’t care about you do you need to set your ultimatums and be ready to follow through. Suggest couples counseling if he is willing and if not move on.

Coyoacan · 27/06/2023 03:49

That doesn't sound like much of a relationship, frankly. If you didn't have a living space in common it would be much easier and more logical to walk away.

Guavafish1 · 27/06/2023 04:04

The relationships doesn't sound fun...especially the fact he takes his stress out on you without reason.

You've highlighted the issue and he hasn't offered solutions. Infact he is now blaming you.

Spending quality time together is important... I would suggest organising things to do together such as a walk,movie or even sharings hobbies.

Personally he sounds toxic and I would end the relationship. Your requests don't seem unreasonable but his response does.

bonzaitree · 27/06/2023 04:08

People show love in different ways. Look up « love languages ». It initially looks like woo nonsense but I do think there’s something to it. You value quality time, he doesn’t. Does he show you live in other ways?

tbh doesn’t sound like this is working for you. You haven’t mentioned kids/ marriage and you’re only 2 years in. Nothing to stop you leaving.

electriclight · 27/06/2023 04:08

I think you've answered your own question then op.

You tell him what you want and he tries harder for a while and then reverts. What do you think you could say or do to make him change permanently? I doubt very much that there is anything you could say or do. I don't know who is right or wrong because he will obviously have a different view of the situation, but you are incompatible. Call it a day or resign yourself to this being your life, probably worse if you decide to have children.

BadNomad · 27/06/2023 04:18

This won't get better if he doesn't acknowledge the issue. Talking isn't working. You should try walking.

Am I really that bad of a partner?
arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2023 07:14

Ah, I'm sorry op, this isn't a relationship at all. He's just using you for whatever it is he is getting from you.
Just because something is great at the beginning, doesn't mean it always will be.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2023 07:16

I've just remembered your title - no, you're not, he is. Remember to not focus on whether you're nice enough for them, but on whether he is nice enough for you.

electriclight · 27/06/2023 08:14

arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2023 07:14

Ah, I'm sorry op, this isn't a relationship at all. He's just using you for whatever it is he is getting from you.
Just because something is great at the beginning, doesn't mean it always will be.

I don't think any of us can say that he's just using her can we?

He might love her and want to be with her but just not need or want the levels of quality time that op wants from him.

It sounds as if he has tried to raise his game in the past, presumably to please op, but can't maintain it because it's not who he is.

He is frustrated now because he feels defensive about what he sees as criticism.

We are only hearing one side. IMO we don't know enough to say anything other than they're incompatible.

Codlingmoths · 27/06/2023 08:17

You’re being taken for granted. Time to plan your exit.