to actually want a husband and another child

[fairyfly]

Is it that f'dd up that is my ambition?

Apparently i should focus on my career, i'm not like that, i admit it, i don't care about creer, i care about baking cakes, jam and kids.

how much longer have you got left?

what happened this week that's made you so down

two years, done two, sick of it, not enough lobe in my world, need a job

but say you met someone totally fantastic next week, would that make it easier to carry on til the end? cos i'd hate for you to give it all up and then find someone fantastic and wish you'd kept at it. obviously i wouldn't hate for you to find someone fantastic though

Fantatic? oh goodness, i hope so, where when how????

have you tried speed dating? apparently it's meant to be quite good.

Of course you're not BU. I wouldn't have even thought what you were looking for was particularly unusual.

I imagine people give you those platitudes because meeting someone you can spend your life with isn't really something you can plan or take control over, unlike getting a job or taking a course or whatever else they're suggesting.

Is it really so frowned upon to want to be a SAHM? I'm not trying to be a smartarse here, you may well be right. I was brought up by a feminist mother for whom raising a family was what she was (really) good at and what she felt was the most important thing she could do with her life. She got married while still at college and I came along 1 year later, closely followed by two more. My mother didn't work outside the home until we were all in our 20s despite having a good Science degree.

I've never thought of her as weak. I've never felt that other people did either, but then maybe it was more normal in her generation. I guess it was.

It's really that women who want to stay at home and look after their children feel they're being judged for it.

There again, it's equally that people like Desiderata think it's OK to tell women who'd rather make different choices that they shouldn't be allowed to take work outside the home until their children start school.

I agree that raising a family is very important work, but I'm pretty sure it's work I would be terrible at and that being at home all day would make me miserable. I'm 38 weeks with my 1st and planning to go back to fulltime work because I love my job. Maybe being a mother will change my perspective on this, but I really resent being told what I "should" be doing. I think women should be supported in their choices (and the things they do of necessity) not made to feel there are particular roles they must fulfill to be a successful woman/mother/person.

@ nutcracker (I think) telling the job centre people you don't want a job. Good for you. What on earth is the point of trying to force a parent into a job when that will just leave a child needing care? How is it even economical?

nutty - i think you you should tell the job centre it's obvious that the only job you can do to work around your children is to work in a school!

Nutcracker are you going in the Jobcentre for a work focused interview?...if you are visiting a lone parent adviser it is not mandatory! so don't worry and don't feel pressured into doing anything.. everything you do is on a voluntary basis if you have child under 16 you are there because you choose to be there...they give you the interviews to see if you would like the opition of working there is no legislation that can force you to take work...I'm not a Lone Parent Adviser but I'm almost positive this is the case...I will check guidance on Monday to confirm if you want to know for sure...I think that to force a mother to work is not productive to her or her children..it has to be a some she chooses to do..

something...(damn it!)..lol

Oh fairy, I dont know what has happened now, I haven't seen you here for such a long time!

There's nothing wrong with just wanting a family, its all I ever wanted...seems so far out of reach and so easy for most to come by.

Ive been on my own for 9 years...hell next year that will be a decade!

I know what you mean.

I really dont want a debate about sahms etc. I suppose you always want what you don't have. Asked a mate to go seepd dating on fri, i think her answer was, but i may have this wrong....... ff fuck off.

Scruffy teddy, how're you doing, ten years eh, you must be a super confident single mum by now!

Heres to the next ten years being full of a wonderful man.

Message withdrawn

No pinny, no hoover, an absolute overwhelming urge to empty bins and buy flowers. That'll do.

Actually, just somebody who has had the cock removed from his forehead would do. I'll even pay for the surgery.

Glad you sorted it Dior x

Message withdrawn

Well what i mean is i am glad you are both trying to sort it ( i understand couples sometimes need to split up before i get any crap about that). It's nice to see someone working hard at it. Fabulous to feel loved, absolutely, it can create a chain of soooo much positivity.

I don't really feel like a husband today anyway, so there

Hey. I know exactly where you're coming from, fairyfly. (Well, apart from having a great career - don't think my waitressing/bookshop days quite qualify there )
I was a single parent from when DD1 was 5 months until she was 4.5; for most of that time, I didn't want to really let anyone into my life again (her dad had been a right shit etcera), but gradually I started to want someone to share it all with. Someone to care as much as I did when she did something new, or was sick. Share all the responsibility, the decisions, and the joys too. It was like an epiphany.
Looking back, before I decided I wanted all that, the men I dated were quite hopeless and inappropriate tbh, but almost as soon as I did, DH came along. I probably wouldn't have been ready for him any sooner.

ps, only read the first page

Hi Fairyfly, I soooo identify with you. I would love to be half of a partnership.. Am a single mum, separated 4 years or so, and before that married to a guy who travelled about 50% of the time - so never had the feeling of being a team..

I've got a dp now but we don't live together - maybe we will sometime if things carry on going well, but often I think it might be more because I want to live with someone rather than because he is the one and only!

I want a home with 2 adults in it, not just one trying to work it out as she goes along. It's not just the hard work, but not having someone else to talk things over with, give and received advice, support each other. Of course, my marriage wasn't like that so I know it's not necessarily the answer..

Feeling gloomy today, hope you're feeling better

Fairyfly.....it will happen.

I was was where you are for a long long time. Being a single mum is sooo hard and lonely, no one to share it with....I was on my own for 5 long years. I was repeatedly told the mantra "youdon'tneedaman,whatdoyouwantoneforetcetc" But I wanted a partner and another baby, and it would not go away.

being patient is hard, but you will meet someone else

All I ever wanted to do was get married and have children. I was very bright at school but due to circumstances I didn't do as well as I could have. I have been a SAHM for 7 years now and it is bloody hard work but there is no way I would rather go out of the home to work. I am happiest when I am baking in the kitchen with my apron on (that makes all the difference!) and I love it when everyone is fed and happy.

hi fairy - watched this the other night but didnt post as you already called me a weirdo for being a single dad

the thing is, even i, a fella feel the same. only want to be in a proper relationship, and even have more children. hear so often on here about women, single mums i suppose, who meet someone then he gets bored and clears off - too much responsibility, too much like a grown ups life for them. that life is all i can remember, have been on my own with the kids so long.

and not every bloke wants some career minded wife who can boost the family income for the extra holiday/car/whatever. a lot just want to have someone to enjoy their lives with, someone to love and to feel loved. and yes, even to care for.

am happy with my average kind of job, its the coming home every day to, well, nobody, guess you know that one just as well. so no, its not too much to just want someone to share your life with, and take it from there wherever it leads. hope you meet someone decent soon - sure youll make him happy

Can I ask how long you've been a lone dad?

for quite a few years - had the odd gf - split with the last about 6 months ago. she said i'd only ever attract single mums - dont know why that is - single mums never have trouble finding childless fellas - tho 3 teenagers are a bit scarey