AIBU or have I found a CF?

[Mrsuniquename]

This has been bothering me for a few weeks. Apologies – it’s a long one.

Long back story – I will try to summarize. DH has a DS from previous marriage. Ex (DS’s mother) ran off with another man years ago when DS was 9 years old, the marriage fell apart and the new relationship also fell apart after a few weeks. Ex stopped DH from having any contact with DS, despite having every court order against her. Judge even threatened to jail her but never followed through, so she just defied every court order. When DS got older (in his 20s) he made contact with DH and they established a relationship. By this time DH and I were married and had children of our own. We bought DS a car, found him a job with a friend of ours, paid for accommodation for him and helped him as much as we could. Unfortunately we discovered he was mentally unstable, he left his job (just didn’t turn up one day), accused the people he was house sharing with of raping him, dumped the car in a station car park, threw away the keys, didn’t tell anyone and disappeared to Ireland! There are more stories like this, including a spell in prison for armed robbery, but I’m trying to keep this short!

Fast forward a few more years. DS got married and had a DS of his own. He made contact again and said he was a reformed character. We formed a relationship with all three of them. We helped them when they moved house by paying the deposit and first month’s rent, bought a washing machine, bought clothes for the baby – stuff like that. DS then vanished again leaving his DW and his DS on their own. No one knows where he went. We picked up the pieces, helped abandoned DW out financially and generally gave support. DS never came back or had any more contact with his DS or DW or gave them any money, so all very sad (although DW did receive a letter from a solicitor a few years later asking for a clean break settlement). Being perfectly honest, DW isn’t my cup of tea. I feel she uses us for money. She’s borrowed from us in the past which she’s said she will repay but never has (I know she struggles and we’ve often just given her money, which we’ve said we don’t need back, but sometimes we’ve said it’s a loan and still we don’t get any repayment. When we ask she just says she has no money). I have nothing in common with her; I feel no relationship to her or her son. My DH feels the same – it’s just a quirk of fate that’s brought us together. However, we feel a duty towards the boy so have taken them both on days out, given lots of help, given advice where it’s been asked for (she’s not from the UK originally so doesn’t always know the system). I do feel it’s all a bit one sided though. They moved house recently and she didn’t seem to want to give us their new address (we were told the area they had moved to but nothing else). I felt a sense of relief tbh.

Anyway, now to come onto my AIBU. It was the boy’s birthday recently. He was 12. I asked him what he would like for his birthday and he sent me a photo of a light sabre – no link, no price. I asked for a link so I could see where to buy it and he sent a link to something that was £158!! He was very insistent that was all he wanted and there was nothing else. Now, I don’t spend £158 on my own children for their birthdays. I was actually quite gob smacked and felt very hurt as I felt used. If he’d said he would like some money towards a light sabre and sent me the link then I might have bought it, but to just expect it really upset me for some reason. I am not sure why I felt like this as he’s asked for iphones and ipads in the past, but somehow I’ve always just laughed those suggestions off. Given his mum struggles for money AIBU to not buy the light sabre? I can afford it but I just feel like a cash cow. Am I mean? He has another Granddad and Grandma (who aren’t actually a real Granddad and Grandma, just a couple they have befriended). I asked if he’d asked them for the light sabre and he said he hadn’t. Please tell me AIBU or have I found a CF?

Yep, I would pay for every single extracurricular activity the kid wants: sports, music lessons, anything that gives them a shot in life. OP emphasizes how they had their own family with their DH, they treat this child like a third class citizen.

What a shame your husband isn't making up for missing out on his son's upbringing by playing an active, loving role in his grandson's life. This thread makes me really sad for the poor child.

Nobody 'NEEDS' a light sabre. £30 for an 11 year old sounds generous.

I don't get why there are so many comments saying he's 11, he doesn't have any concept of money. How on earth would a typical 11yr old NOT have any concept of money and the cost of things? Surely this is something that parents teach their children. My children are well aware of the cost of things and we've taught them from an early age. My 10yr old would love a Nintendo Switch but knows it's £300 and that she's no chance of us buying her one as we simply don't spend that kind of money on presents.

If this boy has genuinely not been taught about the cost of things, then fair enough, just reply with a "oh that's lovely, but it's over budget sweetheart, is there anything for around £30 that you'd like?"

This then puts a boundary in place, so that if the mum is behind the request, she'll soon realise you're not the cashcow she thought you were.

Why should an 11yo be any less susceptible than all the mumsnetters who ask "what cost of living crisis - people are still buying food and Christmas presents?"

Lots of adults don't have a great grasp on other adults having either lots of money or being bones of their arse poor. It comes up all the fucking time - so again, why should an 11yo who's been abandoned by his father know better? He might know the cost, and that it's a lot but it might seem like Grandad is never worrying about the bills and lives in a big nice house and maybe he can have the thing he wants?

He doesn’t sound like a typical 11 year old though does he? He has been abandoned by his father and by sounds of it his mother is not great with money either and is probably not teaching him these things.

The child is the husbands grandchild. Treat the child how he treats or intends to treat any other grandchildren.

OP is never going to do that: "I feel no relationship to her or her son. My DH feels the same – it’s just a quirk of fate that’s brought us together."

Add in that OP says the mother of the child is not from the UK originally and that OP calls the child "the boy", there appears to be racism at play here.

I wonder whether that was his mum asking for the light sabre and she would immediately sell it. He is nearly 11 for God's sake and he's growing up in a very poor family, so obviously he knows that that's ridiculous amount of money to spend on a present.

Constantly financially supporting two ADULTS but when a child asks for an expensive birthday gift (probably not fully understanding the expense), HE'S THE CF?!

What jumps out at me here is that the boy is clearly the traumatised child of a traumatised child. He's not a CF. Set your financial boundaries however you wish, but do be considerate of the impact of generational family conflict. This is a sad story.

I think it's shocking neither of you have a relationship with your DHs GRANDSON and are referring to him as "the boy". I feel very sorry for him, his dad abandoned him and you are saying his mum is worse, which is honestly laughable as his mum has actually stayed around to pick up the pieces. Your husbands son sounds more like the CF

This.