Needing help from both side of the family?

[Sarahmille80]

At the end of 2021 I had a life changing illness.

This has resulted in me having to have surgeries. Whilst I’m recovering from surgery I’m pretty much unable to leave sofa/bed for 8-12 weeks.

We have 2 DS 8 year old and 5 year old.

So as you can imagine we have needed a lot of help with the boys/school runs/pick ups etc. DH works full time.

The first time I had my surgery it was unexpected, everyone in my family rallied round to help look after me and the boys-most of this responsibility fell on the shoulders of my mother. She’s in her 70’s this was up in the morning to help me, get the boys ready, take them to school, back to pick them up in the afternoon, give them tea she also did little jobs like the washing etc. My auntie was cooking meals for us and bringing them round. My MIL offered to come and help only when I was in hospital-hubby was off work and declined and said he needed the help when he goes back to work.

As you can imagine it didn’t take long for this to all become too much for my poor mum. We reached out to my MIL to see if she can help with a school pick up once a week-she refused and said it’s my mum’s responsibility to do it and she only lives 5 minutes away and really couldn’t understand why she doesn’t want too, she then went on to say a lot of nasty things about my mum and myself. I actually resulted in a big family feud between MIL, DH and myself. DH on my side as MiL is very bitter and twisted and a difficult woman.

MIL reluctantly apologised and surgery 2 she offered to come and do some cleaning for us (only at weekends when DH was home) which just involved her sitting around drinking tea, not cleaning anything apart from a little dusting. Following DH around and generally being more of a hindrance. We said again it’s childcare we need help with.

Surgery 3 is now in the pipeline-we are now aware of what we need to make life easier and employed a childminder to pick up a few times a week and to have over the school holidays and a cleaner once a week. We have asked MIL to do 6 school pick ups. Since asking she’s already dropped out of 2 as she had appointment (morning I might add) and she’s now making noises that she might not be able to do the others due to further appointments. As this is a planned surgery for myself I feel like she could arrange her appointments accordingly.

This is now causing constant ongoing rows between myself and my DH I’m miffed this is a huge nightmare that we are living as a family that she thinks it’s ok to not to put herself out for a few weeks to help us.

She is not close to the her grandchildren. She does not interact with them at all she is very awkward and cold around them.

She has my nephew twice a week after school and twice a week in the holidays.

I’m really struggling to be civil to her and hate it when my DH meets up with her like everything is ok. Even though he fully agrees that it’s not ok what she is doing.

At the end of the day the children are our responsibility but I do not feel we’ve been unreasonable to ask for support at a time when family should come together.

I feel very sorry for you OP, especially as it appears you have one of those husbands that cannot cope with any stress that involves them having to step up.

Being so unwell yet still having to mentally carry everything is very difficult.

I really think you should look at a live in au pair for the summer asap, if you can.

I simply cannot understand or fathom family like this.

All the help or not aside, life must be tough right now. Do what you can between you and leave the rest, it isn't going anywhere, the house isn't going to fall down through mess for a small amount of time. Focus on getting better rather than being upset x

I can understand someone in their 70s, who's already looking after another GC twice a week after school, not feeling able to commit to taking on more after-school childcare. I'm not 70 yet, and I'd be very reluctant to do more than 2 days.

Your DH will have to step up: request parental leave so he can get home early on those days, WFH on those days, or get a temporary reduction in hours so he's home more. If he can't/won't do that, then an au pair or paid babysitter is the only alternative.

My DF took several weeks unpaid leave to look after my DB when my DM had to have a series of operations that meant she was in hospital and on bed rest for several weeks.

It is a hard one as she is his mother and there is nothing I can do to stop him seeing her ( I wouldn’t) but I will never forget it. We have asked for her to have the DC for 1.5hrs 6 times. It’s not a lot.

Sadly it seems from this post I’m the one with the problematic and entitled one, it’s a very difficult, selfish world we live in now.

I would certainly rally round any friend or family member of they needed it.

Assume they can't afford a cleaner? Why would you be livid asking YOUR mother to help but not livid asking your dp's mother to help? Why isn't dh cleaning anyway? Why is this all falling on the op to organise?

I'm very sorry to hear of your illness Sarah.

The thing that leaps out at me was: it seems only to be the women of the families who are stepping up and doing anything to help you here.

My parents and FiL are dead, and DH's mother doesn't give a damn about him.
A year ago I broke my spine. I had a protracted hospital stay, because I also had pulmonary emboli. I wasn't particularly mobile for a long time after that. During that time my husband stepped up to the plate and did everything.

Earlier this year DH was diagnosed with a life-changing illness, and when the boot was on the other foot and he underwent painful surgery I - albeit only just recovered myself - was the one doing everything. Which I was happy to do.

It would be great if your family could help keep the two of you afloat at such a difficult time of need. Sadly not all families are alive, willing or able to do that. Your husband needs to make some adjustments here.

Wishing you all the best with your surgery and the recovery period from it. I know as well as anyone these days how difficult that is.

NB. Both DH and I work full-time.

We never expected or asked her to clean! We have ONLY ever asked for help with childcare from BOTH grandmothers. My mother loves the opportunity to spend time with GC.

The MIL offered to clean at the weekend (she came once-dusted and followed hubby around all afternoon)

I agree DH should run the Vac and multipurpose around at the weekend but he can’t deal with the extra stress.

I guess this is why it’s called The Motherload eh?!

If I were in your situation I would cut off my MIL forever. my MIL is very similar, and has always refused to help when we most need it.
as a result she doesn’t get help from me and won’t when she’s elderly either.

I hope your recovery Goes well with your next op and I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such an ordeal x

Have you spoken to the SEN team at your school? I know for a fact out have been brilliant with helping at times like these. We have TA's that regularly drop kids home after the birth of a sibling.

My mum yes but my MIL No! She’s came around to dust once! That is all the help we’ve had in 18 months!

Thank you so much. I think it’s difficult to understand how life can change so quickly isn’t it.

How can you cut MIL out though when you are still with DH?

We’ve never asked for cleaning only childcare/school drop offs/pick ups.

Very. You have all my sympathies OP.

You can't and nor should you. She's his mother.

Pretty sure you said earlier that you wouldn't try, so kudos.

I’m sorry for what you are going through but it’s not reasonable to expect family to help you out, even though I know many people think there is a moral obligation.

Assuming your DH cannot change his working hours and you do not have access to breakfast and after school clubs that he could do drop offs to and from, you will need to find people you can employ to do what needs doing.

A cleaner can do the cleaning, if you need meals prepared either do them in advance for the freezer or bulk buy a load of ready meals etc. You can hire a childminder (or look on a babysitting website) for the school runs and looking after the children.

The other alternative is to try to work out a reciprocal drop off/pick up/play date with another parent and you can do your share once you’ve recovered or at the weekends when your DH will be supervising.

She doesn't sound a particularly nice person but it's unreasonable to expect her to help out when she clearly doesn't want to. Let your mum and auntie help as much as they're willing and able but the rest is down to you two.Why can't your husband take carers leave?

Ok, so the cleaning and batch cooking is down to DH.

Millions of women are either single or solely responsible for their own home and also work full time. I've been one of those women working a full time job and also doing all cooking and cleaning.

It's a shame that MIL either can't or is choosing not to help with the school pick ups. It would be nice if she did, but if she's in her 70s and either can't or won't then fine, that's her choice.

Do you not have friends that could help?

To be frank OP, your husband could do more.

Going in late "sometimes" isn't cutting it in your awful situation.

And then blaming the elderly women in your family is just a cop out.

Agreed @AhNowTed . You are married OP, therefore you have someone to share this load with. I don’t really get it when adults rely on their parents- it’s nice if they can help and want to, but past a certain point parents just aren’t responsible for their adult children in that way.

You can't.

She's your children's grandmother, but she's not a babysitter. No she shouldn't have agreed to help if she couldn't but she'd have been in your bad books if she'd declined initially.

Cant your DH book annual leave for those 6 afternoons, or take parental leave, or cant your DM do the pick ups?

I agree that in an ideal world she should help but the person who should be expected to step up more is DH. Presumably you need looking after too? Surely some parental leave in the circumstances is appropriate? As for getting too stressed to clean at the weekend 🙄

This is the third time you have been in this situation and your husband has still not stepped up to the plate. He sounds useless. By now you should have learned (and have had enough time to organise seeing as the op is elective) paid full time outside help and stop feeling like you are entitled to lean on 2 elderly women to look after your kids.

Agreed with others that she shouldn’t be expected to do this if she doesn’t want to. But also I don’t get why she’s offering and then cancelling pickups and doing “cleaning” to see her GC.

I do think your DH definitely needs to step up to help out more and if need be get a job with more flexible timings. Agreed in asking other parents and having a look at other childcare options apart from your childminder and your DM.

Unfortunately it is the case some grandparents are ready and willing to help and some aren’t.

I hope you recover from your surgery well and that things improve health wise for you.