All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

I feel exactly the same. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to leave my husband as I still love him. But I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for.
And worse still, unlike you, I feel like a lot of my friends sing the praises of their husbands! I don’t know whether I really am in a shit marriage or not everyone is being honest… 🤔

Yep, this was me. Worked full time, did all the household chores, paperwork etc, felt like I brought up both children myself, he did nothing. When we separated a few months ago he just called me a nag for asking him to help, he was entitled to come home and sit straight down as he'd been working all day and Dads don't have the same sort of relationships with their children to do all the stuff I did with them.
My only regret is putting up with this for long as single life is so so much better. No expectation of help, no more helping a man child run his whole life and the knowledge that now someone else has that to deal with 😂

Yep I'm in that boat OP, and same as you the majority of women I know with kids are too.

It's so frustrating and draining.

If they aren’t willing to change or do their share then don’t cook for them, don’t do their laundry and when weekend comes fuck off out for the day, show him what being a single parent will be like on both sides and he might shape up.

but this post is not about how awesome all your partners are. It is about how many women deal with exactly the opposite. It feels like an attempt at invalidation. You know. like when us ladies complain about catcalling and we then have to read all the messages about how this guy has never catcalled or how xyz aren't catcalling, etc. Or like when you are trying to complain about a problem and instead of listening, the person has to tell you about how they have never had that problem.
May not be your intention, maybe you are just trying to illustrate how not all men are like that, but that is not what it feels like.
Just like if you went to your friend and were like, "awe man, I burnt the toast this morning" and instead of saying, "that sucks" they instead said, "I have never burnt toast."

I think this is really interesting. My husband is not like this at all (not to say he is not extremely annoying!!) but he does more than his fair share of parenting and housework and everything is 50/50 despite me working 4 days (albeit in a very stressful school leadership position). He often demands I go to the gym or take some time for myself as I do him. However, he has always been like this. Before marriage and children he was like this. I suspect most of these ‘rubbish’ men were like this before marriage and children. I would never have married someone like that - they don’t change I’m afraid and I have seen this time and time again.

No , but having children really changes the dynamic. IMO, the maternity leave/pay situation sets up a really difficult shift. Often women go from being 50/50 earners with their partners to almost non earners. If you decide to plan a second child there’s a few “wilderness” years before both children are 2yo and some level of funding kicks in. During this time full time work for one party is pretty untenable. I’ve seen relationships that look very equal and happy with “good men” take a detour to the 1950s during this period. The problem is that men and society do not value invisible work in the home. It’s so ingrained in our culture, even “the good guys” don’t see it. They’ve been at work, and so suddenly everything else is the woman’s job, and I don’t think many stop to question it, it seems so “natural”
I think, instead of 72 genders, we should be teaching kids more about household/childcare workloads and expectations in PHSE. It would be a very worthwhile exercise to split the boys and girls into two groups with flip charts to list all the jobs a woman should do and all the jobs a man should do if one stays at home with the babie(s) and the other works ft. These assumptions are formed early, largely in all innocence, absorbed from society and what is modelled in their own homes. The reality can be a nasty shock for both parties, and I think we’re letting both boys and girls down by not equipping them with the knowledge and skills to negotiate and maintain fair and equal relationships through the baby years and beyond.

It’s not something I really experience as DH is truly amazing, but YANBU as no one else I know has a partner similar, all my friends have useless partners!

@katepilar one of us does project-based work. So when a project is live, the other is in charge. When a project is dormant they take over.

When we had kids we also agreed that the projects would be shorter, usually 1-2 weeks, with 1-2 weeks off. Sometimes, maybe twice or three times a year they’ll be anywhere between 3 to 6 weeks.

It feels natural, because it’s always obvious who is in charge of nursery runs, meal planning, buying clothes, packing lunches, social plans and all that. But the ‘supporting act’ also pulls their weight. So when DP is in charge, I will often take over in the mornings so he can exercise. And when I’m in charge he’ll often batch cook and freeze as he’s the better cook. But if he’s in charge it means I will schedule late meetings, not worry about what’s for dinner or whether someone needs laundry done or a dentist appointment booked.

it was so hard though at first when I went back to work after mat leave. I’d come home from work and ask a million questions about schedules, nap length, snacks, swimming lessons etc. DP had to sit me down and gently say I was treating him like the babysitter. It was a real wake up call.

Attempting to silence women who don't have useless/lazy husbands isn't the answer, especially somewhere like AIBU.

I never thought I'd find a thread on which NAMALT would be such a welcome concept. Makes a change 😀😀😀

But when an OP posts a thread with the title of this one, claiming 'all the women I know are in this same predicament', then of course the ones who are not will say they're not. Discussion boards are not here to provide affirmation. Some people are seemingly incapable of comprehending that a different reality from the one described in the OP exists. And it just as clearly does.

The assertion that no one has to shoulder the entirety of the domestic burden - that this is never inevitable - has been like a red rag to a bull upthread. Strange. I'd have thought it a positive assertion.

I'm sorry to hear that anyone is unhappy: OP sounds almost at the end of her rope. The point being: Is this something people are willing to tolerate indefinitely? And if so, what exactly were they expecting other posters to say?

So so true @TheTellTaleHeart

We are pretty evenly split but I think it's my mother's generation that are most celebratory of my husband's parenting duties whilst not giving me a second glance or recognising what I do outside of the home as well as in. A trip to the park there is always a grandma praising his efforts "super dad" and the supermarket check out lady who called him a saint for doing the weekly shop with both kids on his own. It's like the smallest effort is rewarded with massive praise.. much like I'd talk to a toddler in fact.

This issue is a major societal issue though, if only it was as minor as burnt toast. This is why many people comment, it is exactly to be sure that women know that it doesn't always have to be that way even if it may feel like it.

It also opens up an important discussion.

Yes, @SouthLondonMum22 . It doesn't have to be this way, and plenty of men are equal partners.

They say people meet their match so maybe you are a crappy, low quality wife. I am sure you do not think so, just as your husband does not think he is a crappy husband.
Not really surprised but so much man hating going on then wondering why you end up with the dregs.
I await the hate…..

This issue is a major societal issue though, if only it was as minor as burnt toast. This is why many people comment, it is exactly to be sure that women know that it doesn't always have to be that way even if it may feel like it

It also opens up an important discussion.

My partner moved in with me when we were in our 20s.

I worked all day and his contribution was minimal. I'd been pissed off, and feeling taken for granted for quite a while, but the crunch came when I returned from work one day and found he'd had the heating on all day whilst I was paying the bills, he'd eaten the food I'd paid for and cooked to eat after a long day at work and he had even stubbed out cigarettes in my mixing bowl.

I kicked him out on the spot.

Any partner who thinks they can can take liberties like this with me can take a hike. No exceptions, despite the tears and begging that inevitably turned into nastiness when he realised I really did mean what I said.

If we'd gone on to have kids I can only imagine what life would have been like. But relationships for me can only work on a equal footing. Perhaps he thought I was bluffing, who knows?

That's how I ended up not being saddled for life with a contemptuous CF who thought I existed as a service human. He thought wrong.

Well, you certainly sound like a catch.

I'm not perfect, neither are you. What makes a low quality wife ? Enlighten me !

Social change doesn't just happen, it has to be pushed through somehow.

Each generation of women IS having to shape the social norms the way they want them.

Sacking useless lazy dads is the upheaval we need.

And screening them out beforehand.

Women are set to become 50 50 senior management in the workforce by the end of the decade. I think things are changing overall but that's not much of a help if you married a poor performer!

@Prouddoggieparent not sure what spirit you meant that in, but as someone in an equal relationship* I am wondering if I was just lazy and DH is on dadsnet somewhere complaining about doing more!

*Ive been in bed since DH got home, he’s fed, played with currently bathing & chatting with DC and has put away the clothes I hung earlier. Cooked for me too, I WFH all day, did nursery run and x3 loads.

I am 6m preg- tired & ill.

This is a joke, right?

Ah, but did he clean that bath? 🙄😂

@Gandalfsthong

Saw a post on social media recently which said an entire generation of women are drowning because they were raised with traditional gender roles whilst being empowered to be independent. Doing well at work but bearing the brunt of responsibility at home.

this really reasonated with me as someone in mid 40s.

@Maireas

Well then you need to stand up for yourselves. In my marriage I never let that happen - we've always been equal partners and parents to our now adult DC. Plus both of us were raised in very traditional homes, so changing is entirely possible. We just rejected our upbringings and worked together. 37 years and counting.

I did stand up for myself. I stood up and there was major conflict for a very long with my partner. I tried not to let myself drown and to get my partner to pull his weight. My exh doubled down. The conflict and stress broke me. I eventually left; a shell of my former self when I entered the marriage.

My exh was not prepared to reject his traditional upbringing. I am now a lone parent and my girls have a Disney dad who FaceTimes on the phone every few days and sees them twice a year.

And I am still drowning with full time work (needed to financially pay all living expenses) and full responsibility for child raising outside of those hours. I know what I need for self care and improved mental health - which is less work and more time for myself. This is not affordable. I survive on anti-depressants and benzodiazepines for anxiety; otherwise I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours a night [ I managed 3 hours a night for about a year, until it got to the point where I thought it might be easier to simply drive into a tree]

All around me, I see women who are drowning. Some open about it; others not. Something is seriously wrong.

Excellent. Accept the person you want to be with or get shot of them.

It's not womens responsibility to give men a kick up the arse to get the basics of life done. Most men are useless, lazy and thoughtless around the home or with anything family related. I know so many women who work full time and spend their lunch breaks picking up birthday cards for their in laws, picking up a gift for SIL anniversary, booking family appointments, otherwise none of it gets done. It's a depressing and unappreciated life for a lot of women.

@potniatheron I honestly think your comments on this thread are some of the truest things I’ve ever read on mn and this topic. Please tell me you work in politics!!! 🙏