All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

A friend of mine was complaining like this. She has an uber stressful job in a hospital. Husband leaves her to do the bulk of everything in the home too whilst he does his straight forward 9-5. I left an abusive relationship so i used to look at them from the outside thinking how lucky as he didnt cheat/wasnt abusive and why was she complaining - and she said to me 'arent i allowed to want more?' and she was right, i set my bar extremely low!

That said, i do see at school a lot of really present dads and im always in awe, even though that should be the norm).

I feel the same …my husband isn’t useless or a bad dad but the emotional, practical , day to day workload is unbalanced and most men still act like they are saints if they do even a quarter of the work. Same with ALL my married friends so dunno where these “not in my experience or my friends” people coming from 😳 despite me picking him up on it all the time and his apologising, my husband still says things like “I’ve done the washing up for you” …like it’s MY washing up 🤣

I was thinking about this the other day - I agree it is depressing and yes this is the norm in my circle ....but I wonder how it is with female same sex couples ...does that work better?

"I've done the washing up for you"!!!
Why on earth would a man think like that in 2023? Mind boggling.

I felt so let down when I had kids to realise that I would be doing the majority of everything. DH works and does his hobbies.

Snap. Fed up with asking for help so invariably do stuff myself anyway - maybe that’s their plan ! Yep, my late mum didn’t sympathise but she never worked. MIL won’t hear a word against her darling toe rag. If I bring it up with him he just starts picking on me about a piece of paper on the kitchen worktop, or an envelope not shredded, a banana that’s gone brown - anything to silence me

DH and I are both in our 60s, so I think we've probably aged out of the younger generation. I do appreciate the sentiment, though.

I guess I look younger on MN. 😁

I'd say it's about 80% that way OP. Huge majority of friends feel the same way you and I do. It's bullsh*t!

Divorcing isn’t an easy way out either. We separated 4 years ago. I’m still trying to get him to leave the house and get divorced. Once it happens that’s it I’m single. Never believing another man’s crap again.

Most of the issues are due to his 1960’s parents. She stayed home and looked after the kids. Had dinner on the table when he got home. Put the kids to bed whilst he had some drinks to unwind.

according to them all our problems are because I choose to work. I couldn’t be financially dependent on him though having to justify every purchase. FIL always said he handed his pay over and MIL dealt with it all ‘D’H insisted on separate accounts due to my excessive spending.

Its all backfired on MIL though. She has dementia. Being a SAHM is a risk factor for dementia. That life doesn’t seem so perfect now.

@StepAwayFromGoogling I see a lot of dads at my school who do loads, very active on the whatsapp, arranging the dates, even bloody stitching the name tags in. Im completely envious as a single parent just about keeping afloat.

Sorry you’re going through this. But no. It’s not like that in our home.

DH and I share responsibilities. I work longer hours so he does a lot more at home than I do

We had a long time together before kids. But the main thing that helped was that we shared parental leave. It started is on the right foot with shared parenting.

But got to admit. Sometimes being a working parent is a bit shit: even when you do have an equal partner

I carry the mental load, and do everything. Family of 3dc, pets, running our home, full time work, kids clubs exams friendship issues social lives hobbies education the whole fucking lot of it 🤣.

As a single parent this is bloody hard of course as it is for anyone- but it’s infinitely easier than being in a relationship where the same applied but I was also dealing with the disappointment and resentment of my then husband being so utterly useless and misogynistic. The additional mental load of knowing that the person you are supposed to be in a partnership with views you as some sort of 1950s skivvy is heavier than the rest put together I think.

I love being single ❤️

I agree with the OP. This is my experience of 99% of males in my life and those that I come into contact with in multiple contexts.
Enough of blaming the OP and people in similar situations for ‘rolling over’. What a load of rubbish. It isn’t their sole job to ‘set the boundaries’. How about the blokes step up in the first place. I’m done with the patriarchy.

Spot on..I hear you and agree

You’ve hit the nail on the head. I have two daughters and feel powerless to change any of it for them. Wish I had a son sometimes so I could raise him to just be better

Yep, was my experience and 90% of my closest married friends. I left. Now I do it all, but I don't have to carry the resentment that I'm the only one doing it. Literally the ONLY difference in my life since leaving has been financial.

I hear ya

I work. Full time and out earn partner by about 100%

I still get to do the lions share of household stuff from cleaning and laundry to gardening and DIY

He does put out the bins though so can't complain

My kids dad is literally useless, that's the reason we haven't been together since they were tiny!
I'm now with someone else and he's a fantastic partner and step dad, he does the school run every morning, does his share of housework as well as working and paying his share of everything (including things for the kids even though they aren't his).
The kids do see their dad but we can go.weeks without him bothering and he's never paid maintenance. He occasionally gives them money but he wouldnt have a clue how much their school uniform costs, what school year they are in, what their shoe size is etc...
Last time.they stayed with him he had to ask me "what do they like to.eat" as it had been so long he couldn't remember 🙄

I really hate when there is a post like this and then all the, "not my man" posters come out of the woodwork. Yeah, we know. That doesn't mean the OP is wrong. For the majority of women in relationships, especially with children, this is how it is. And it doesn't help when some come on and try and invalidate a very real problem with "my husband is awesome."

And frankly, I have probed some women who post such things in other places and a lot of times, their husbands turn out to not be that awesome. They just have enough money for outside help and so the male laziness is not as noticeable, or they just don't notice how lazy their man is because they (the woman) are very into being busy all the time and haven't yet hit that stage where the work has outpaced them. So, they are still doing all the work in the relationship and home, but just don't notice or pretend not to notice.
Like seriously, you ask them what their husband does and they are like, "he takes out the trash, does the dishes after I cook and takes our children out to McDonald's drive thru once a week and they are gone an entire hour. " Like, okay, so the bare minimum.

Ah, we're contemporaries..... could be why 💜

Same here, large group of friends, some with/without children yet but i have seen all those men doing their bit!!!!

not talking about the poster comparing their new man who is awesome vs their former lazy man. Obviously that is helpful to show that it is these men with the problem, not the women who are complaining about them.

I'm sure you're raising your daughters to have self esteem and assertiveness so that they won't put up with this sort of thing.

Your H sounds like a total asshole OP. I know it's not easy to leave a marriage - but jesus christ, he sounds horrific to live with. I couldnt live like that. I wish that you and your friends could raise your bar and let these men know that their behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Strangely, I actually dont know any couples in the situation you describe - though i know they exist of course. All the men I know pull their weight.