All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

Useless people occur of both sexes. Most of it is unlikely to be heard about outside the home, and out of the people who do air their grievances with third parties, the ones that are abusers will paint themselves as, or even see themselves as the victims.

Saw a post on social media recently which said an entire generation of women are drowning because they were raised with traditional gender roles whilst being empowered to be independent. Doing well at work but bearing the brunt of responsibility at home.

this really reasonated with me as someone in mid 40s.

Yep 100% and that’s why I left my husband. That was 3 years ago and not found anyone decent since but that’s more a me problem.

Not here - and not many couples I know. But then (tin hat on) when I have seen the imbalance, it seems to be the mother creating pressure to be perfect - everything has to be ironed, have to have nails/brows/lashes/bikini line done, skirting boards dusted (and other batshit things I’ve seen on here)no family member must ever be upset, colleagues must be supported - I don’t think guys feel that, and it’s no bad thing. Maybe we need to take the pressure off ourselves.

I think there is not so much about parental leave for fathers being available, as it is also available in many companies in the UK without not much uptake.

one day I was talking to a guy from Norway who told me that in a Nordic country a woman is seen like an equally strong partner to man, she can do heavy agricultural work, use a axe to chop wood for the fire or making food. He also said that he was shocked at how women here and in Europe were seen as delicate things that “needed protection” who couldn’t do much work without breaking a nail. I understand that this might be his personal view but he may have a point: our culture didn’t think women could do the same work as men until most men were away at war.

So, there may be more to catch up with than paternal leave.

My life was like that when I was married. When I was living that life, my circle of friends were the same.
After divorce, those friends mostly drifted away. Now I’m really happy and I don’t live with that resentment and emotional load… and my circle of friends are also in the same boat as me.

Think this proves the ops point. It’s up to the woman to make the man shape up, so once again another thing to add to the mental load.

In my Houshold, i am the husband and I pretty much do everything. My wife cooks occasionally or makes a cake but picks the little one at most once a week. Never calls the GP if he is sick. I look after him most week ends and most evening. My wife is always tired. I organise birthdays and buy gifts when we have to go to one. I even manage her phone contracts and other things for her.

👆🏻 this with bells on!! Took me until 32 to meet my now DH because I refused to be lumbered with a lazy man so wouldn’t settle until I found someone who pulled his own weight. I think I have his mother to thank though, she made sure he didn’t think anything was ‘woman’s work’ and knew exactly how to cook/clean/wash and iron!

Im lucky to have a partner that’s brilliant with the kids and helps around the house, not sure where he gets it from though as he lived with his gran who is quite old fashioned! Not all of my friends have this but some do

Not sure if age makes a difference? We’re all late 20’s / early 30’s

I would say, just don’t bother with men like that, I’ve never dated a man that wouldn’t pull his weight - it’s not up to women to train fully grown men on the basics of living. And it’s up to both parents to make sure their kids grow up knowing men and women both have equal domestic/childcare responsibilities

Defo not the case with myself, circle of friends or colleagues. If it was myself I would change the situation rather than accept it.

I blame my DF more than my DMIL. He set my expectations far too high by putting his DCs and my DM above everything

True life advice for my daughters:
don’t get married
don’t have children

This is so accurate

Most of the women I know do a bit more with the kids and a bit more of the organisation and a bit more of the house work etc. Its not 50/50 but their husbands are not as useless as you make out. We definitely don't wash our husbands clothes, organise their time, make all their meals or put up with doing all the house work etc. I think that we have generally pushed on from our mothers' experiences but still haven't got to 50/50. I think it's often the organisation and "life admin" that seems to fall a lot more on women. I'm in my early 30s.

I think it possibly depends on the age of the man… i’d like to think that men in their 30s were much more hands-on with their homes and children than men in their 40s and 50s….

it feels to me like the idea of having it all just means doing it all….

I read this and my eyes lit up like I was reading a Cinderella fairytale! 😂So funny that instead of the 'man + woman = fairytale ending' dream, I am now more focused on the 'woman + her family + her life choices = fairytale ending'. I love reading 'escape' stories like this one. I'm in the process...

*her family as in children or whoever she considers 'family'. I count some friends as family.

I was coming on to say just this. We both have full time jobs and DH does as much or more than I do around the house, including all of the cooking, washing up and most of the food shopping. On top of the yardwork, DIY, sorting the cars, etc. He grew up in a progressive family where his dad did similarly. Our 23 year old DS follows his example and has become a very good cook, washes his own dishes, etc.

Not all men are rubbish.

Well then you need to stand up for yourselves. In my marriage I never let that happen - we've always been equal partners and parents to our now adult DC. Plus both of us were raised in very traditional homes, so changing is entirely possible. We just rejected our upbringings and worked together. 37 years and counting.

I'm glad to hear it, @MissConductUS and @Opaque11 ! I'm an oldie and was beginning to worry about the younger generation!
Don't put up with that nonsense.

You model a healthy relationship. Your child is fed, changed and read to by Dad as well as Mum. There's mutual respect. You help each other out. There's no such thing as Mum or Dad jobs. Dad can cook, clean and do laundry just as Mum can mow the lawn and check the tyre pressure.
You work together as a family.

Snap! Met DH at uni so always been ‘equals’ ie job role/salary etc. I said right at beginning that when we had children, we needed to load/child care/days off when DC were sick etc and he agreed. (Fortunately, as I worked in a school, holidays weren’t a problem). Only people who ever made negative comments were his parents ie DC is a working man, should have dinner on table when he gets in. DH put them straight on that one.

I'm so over women blaming other women for 'letting' themselves be in these situations. It's never black and white. And it's all too easy to judge.

I got utterly hoodwinked by my ex. Genuine narcissist. I am well educated, had a very successful career earning way more than him when we met. I fell in love! Then got pregnant. From the day my daughter was born things changed. He was suddenly 1950s man. At that point, as a new mum, you're kind of bonkers/sleep deprived/hormonal to some degree anyway, so at first I put it down to that. Later to being tired/worn out. Then, because of his work (which we relied on because I was looking after our daughter which I wanted to do) we moved to another country. Believe me I TRIED to put my foot down and be firm, to explain that this was not what I had ever signed up for agreed to.

I couldn't walk out the door because I had taken maternity leave and then left my job so I could look after our daughter while he furthered his career, which seemed FAIR as I had already built up my career (although wasn't working). I also remembered how wonderful he was when we met, and kept trying to get back to that. I'm not stupid, I'm not a fool. But yes, I got hoodwinked in a big way. I'm also autistic, which may/may not be something to do with it, I don't know.

Looking back, I really don't know what I could've done differently aside from just not getting pregnant in the first place but at that point I was deeply in love (I thought) with a wonderful man who loved me so much.

I have left him but it took me nearly ten years to get to the point where I could - to accept that he was never going to be the man he was when I met him, nor change, and to get my work/financial situation to a point where I was able to, all the while doing childcare/housework/cooking etc too.

Let's not assume any woman is 'letting' a man get away with it. Instead, let's offer support - help these women get out of their situations instead of making them feel like crap about how foolish they were to let themselves be hoodwinked into marriage/babies.

Glad to hear it, @Gettingolderandgrumpier60 and @Daisiesandprimroses !