All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

I like your approach. Its also good to hear about how you new early on in relationship what you want to look for.

I would be interested how long / roughly/ are the periods of one parent being the one in charge?

All the men I know share childcare completely. So I’m not sure it’s the norm.

Oh apart from BIL who my in-laws describe as ‘babysitting’ if he’s in charge of his children!

Personally I’m a fan of playing to strengths. My husband hates cooking. I enjoy it. So I cook most nights and he phones up insurance companies to get better deals and renews car taxes. I fix the cars. He cuts the grass. He enjoys that. My idea of hell. Mental load is shared in our relationship. We don’t have children but do have pets. They are shared totally.

He came from a set up where his mum waited on the men and was a real martyr. She still is. My parents shared everything. We’re 20 years this year very happily married. All the men in my life are the same.

Just end if you clearly hate him.

'I'm sorry you are in this situation, but not all women have men like this. As a pp said, if you put up with it, and let it happen, and don't put any rules in place, and make things change, you only have yourself to blame. Most men are inherently lazy, and won't do anything if they don't have to. Kick his arse into shape and make him do 50/50.'

How do you suggest OP etc makes him? Talking about it won't work, she's tried that. Leaving it all for him to do won't work because he just won't do it, and that impacts the children when their school lunches aren't made and they have to live in a dirty house. She could leave but that impacts the children too. It's not like the police are going to call round and tell him how to behave.

I think all you can do in this situation is cut him out. Your laundry? I ain’t washing it. Your meals? Fend for yourself. Yes that still leaves you with all the kid stuff but at least you actually like them and don’t feel like a schmuck when you do stuff for them.

It's interesting that you seem so offended by the suggestion that women who don't tolerate men being slack are putting their needs ahead of the man's in a way that pushes against social norms. Sorry, but I don't get how that's bullshit. Of course it should be a team, equal partnership etc etc. But most of the time it isn't, and men and women (but mostly men) default to the patterns they've observed all their lives. I'd love to live in a world where men were aware of their own socialisation and made efforts to kick against it. But we aren't there yet. So I think us women need to consciously kick against our own social conditioning that we should be nice, helpful, compliant, and make a conscious effort to put our needs at the forefront. That doesn't mean neglecting your partner or kids, it means making sure they recognise that you have needs too, and you're not there to serve them. And if you have a partner who neglects your/your family needs in favour of their own, then either force them to wise up (by refusing to comply) or get rid.

Sorry that was a reply to @AhNowTed, forgot to quote.

Agree with you 💯 I don't know how a smart, attractive person (me, if I say so myself) got herself in this situation. Literally a shell of my former self

A man who does 50% of housework while together before children just stops doing it when baby is born?

Yep! It happens. A lot.

It’s a piece of piss to do 50% of the housework before children. Mostly it’s just sorting out your own mess.

But it sounds as if these men aren’t even doing their own 50%?

i.e hoovering, washing, cooking etc.

Why having DC would make men u-turn I don’t know.

My DH picked UP the slack after birth, but your DH’s suddenly did less?

It really is awful. I don’t understand how you can love someone yet watch them work themselves into the ground.

Nor do they seem to care for their DCs.

Men think they can do less after the birth because the women are no longer working. I.e. one works, the other looks after the home.

Men do not react to social shaming in the same way as women. Imvho, women who think social shaming is effective are only harming themselves and other women. Men largely ignore it, particularly when directed at them by women, whereas women control and humiliate each other by using it.

There also seems to be some element of ‘well she’s doing it for everyone else anyway…’ that becomes the standard.

No of course not but it's often not that simple or overt.
People can become trauma bonded to abusive partners & unable to see through the 'FOG'
Abuse can be ramped up slowly, always testing the waters, taking the temperature, gradually pushing boundaries, feeling for what they can get away with
He wouldn't be with her at all if she wasn't the right kind of victim for him, if her weaknesses didn't fit his skillset

I think some if it is the assumption that women have some innate, intuitive ability and men don't. E.g. assuming women instinctively know how to look after a newborn, so not seeing yet alone doing the 1-2 hours a day of internet research it takes daily throughout pregnancy and the first few years of parenthood just to keep on top of what a baby/toddler requires at each stage.

Assuming we know how to breastfeed and change a nappy; ignoring the fact that dads get nurturing hormones during their partner's pregnancy and are supposed to use them.

My ex (after I got stressed and reminded him the other day) said he'd contact secondary schools about application processes as I am working and going through a stressful time and he isn't...then asked me to send him a list of all the possible local schools and what we need to know for each.

I exploded in a stressed out fit of fury, 'ffs I'm not born with an innate knowledge of state secondary schools any more than he is: the point is you have to research it!'

i can’t get my head around this op. Me and DH are 50:50, same as most couples I know. Some dhs are a bit shit, but not as bad as yours. I don’t mean to be blunt, but how can you put up with it. I’d be so angry I just wouldn’t be able to function. It wouldn’t be a ‘choice’ I literally couldn’t cope with it.

Who is doing the tax returns, paying council tax, monitoring car, house, health insurance and moving to different providers when better. Ditto phone contracts. Deals with utilities, paying nursery fees, dealing with car issues. I often find that the man is doing this sort of thing but not being credited and just being told they don't carry any mental load

Please could those here who wouldn't put up with it suggest practical, feasible ways to deal with a situation such as above posters' problems with partners (or teenagers) who simply will not do their share? All I can see is that huge rows would ensue and it's upsetting and exhausting so the women give up. I know 'ltb' is the go-to suggestion, but how about some communication tools, or how to set effective boundaries, or at least how to decide to let lots of the housework go and just do your own thing?

(I'm not in this situation and actually my ex does my housework for me as part of
coparenting and because I'm rubbish at it whereas he loves cleaning! But I'd like ideas to help friends and colleagues in these situations.)

I've always done all of that.

I think some if it is the assumption that women have some innate, intuitive ability and men don't. E.g. assuming women instinctively know how to look after a newborn, so not seeing yet alone doing the 1-2 hours a day of internet research it takes daily throughout pregnancy and the first few years of parenthood just to keep on top of what a baby/toddler requires at each stage.

It didn't take 1 to 2 hours daily research pre internet! Blimey. I seem to remember a few parenting classes at the hospital with a doll in a bath so we didn't drown them but after that a couple of books did the job. I think I can innately know how to put clothes on a toddler and cut up food!

This could be overdoing it slightly!

Maybe I’m just lazy - never fully mastered doing housework & childcare simultaneously, even while on mat while DH worked.

He saw it as I was healing/entertaining DC/catching up on sleep so still did his bit.

I saw it as I got the better deal so often chucked baby at him on workdays to go cook etc.

I work less hrs than him and we still share equally, he doesn’t want to see me ground down and not I.

Mind you we were both raised in homes where both parents mucked in.

I have a friend or two doing it all. Personally I don’t see how they can live like that but the signs were there before DC.

@Apricotflanday
what could anyone possibly suggest? The ops husband had a tantrum when asked to feed his own baby and he woke the whole house up. What could anyone possibly suggest? Therapy I guess. I would absolutely lose my mind if DH did this. It’s almost impossible to believe there were no signs of this before.

the therapy is for him btw. But op you might need some too at this point.

@Apricotflanday Not sure if it'll help the hardened work-shy folk, but we find a family planner is useful. If something needs doing, it can be put in the relevant person's column on the day when it needs to be done. If someone has an activity or appointment, it goes on the planner.